Good-bye 2012, Hello 2013

It is finally time to bid adieu to the most miserable year of my life. Last New Years I was over-the-top optimistic and enthusiastic for a year I thought would be the best year of my life because I was so sure we would be adopting a baby. But, I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows within the first six weeks of the new year. So, this year I am going to be cautiously optimistic. I figure, at worst, 2013 could only be the second worst year of my life and at best it could be a year of restoration and extreme blessing. I’m guessing it will fall somewhere in between. I just have such a desire for a new beginning this year. I want to shake off all the nasty shit from 2012 and get it behind me permanently. I want to be more positive, despite my circumstances and I want to restore my belief that good things can happen to me, rather than keeping my head down because surely there is something nasty coming my way. I have never felt so beat down by life like I have this past year. Sure, yucky things have happened to me in the past but they always felt like one incident, not like life itself was taking a whack at me. This year I have felt like I had a target on my back and no matter which way I turned there was something taking aim at me. I felt like a pebble caught in the crushing surf being pummeled upon the shore until it was broken down to the very core and there was nothing left to break off. I’m supposed to believe that the tough times will make me stronger. I’m supposed to find a deeper relationship with God when I am suffering. I’m supposed to think that only intense pressure turns coal into diamonds or something like that. If only one of the multitude of nasty things had happened this past year I think I could still believe that, but when they just kept piling on….. Nope. Yes, the intense pressure did turn me into something harder, but also something a little less trusting, a little less open, and a little less believing that good triumphs over evil.

But, now it is time to turn away from the past. It is time to look forward to the future. I am not creating grandiose dreams of 2013 in my head, but I am praying for a calm and quiet year. Yes, my hope is still to adopt and maybe that will happen in 2013 (or at least be under way). Hopefully, I can find more financial stability in this new year and get things on the right track. I hope that my heart can be healed and that I can again believe that something good is going to happen to me. I pray that I can get some of my optimism back. Here’s to a happy, healthy and blessed 2013.

Living in Limbo

CHOR called today. I'm taking the kids in for respite again this weekend, but there was no up-date on if/when they would be transitioned to my house. The case worker who called me is new and when I asked her if she knew when the kids would be moved to me permanently, she muttered something about them being with their mother on Monday and that things were up in the air at the moment. I'm not sure what this means, but I will have them this weekend at least. I have had these kids all but one weekend this entire month. It's sad that the foster family has not been able to keep them, but we have fun when they are with me - at least I think we do. So, much like the rest of my life, things seem to be in limbo......

White Christmas

Christmas is over. It was a white Christmas for us – it snowed about an inch Monday night and melted Christmas afternoon. We are expecting more snow today with sleet and freezing rain. I was expecting to get a call from CHOR today, up-dating me as to when the children would be moving to my place. I’m hoping it won’t be before the new year because I need to find a car. My car is officially totaled and they should be getting the check to me sometime this week. Then I will only have the rental car for 5 days before I become car-less. Car shopping with a three year old and a year old baby is illogical, to say the least. For the most part I am wholly resigned to having them for a the next several months, but sometimes I fantasize about getting a legal risk placement for an infant. I know it is irrational, but I have an overly-creative mind that I find hard to reign in.

Although I tried very hard not to dwell on unpleasant things (and succeeded for the most part), I had a few pangs of sadness at being a 5^th wheel during Christmas (my parents and my sister and her boyfriend were all paired up). And I remembered how last Christmas I was so sure it was the last one without a little one present. Last Christmas we had been celebrating our acceptance and qualification as foster-to-adopt parents and were gleefully waiting for a call that would make us parents. How differently things turned out…..

 

I am trying hard to not reflect too much on the past year. What's the point? I just want to forget all the pain and misery I endured in 2012. I saw a post on Facebook earlier today saying how we should be thankful for everything that happened this past year because it made us who we are today and brought us to where we're supposed to be.... or something like that. I hate that. It seems to imply that a person had some kind of personality defect requiring some cataclysmic event to cause them to change. Maybe that is just because I have been trying to figure out the life's lesson from all that has occurred this past year. I liked the person I was last year and the year before that - I don't so much like the person this year has made me. I'm trying hard to not become that sullen miserable person who will never let anyone in because they have been so badly hurt. But hearing that I should jump for joy for all the things that have happened, like getting a baby taken away because my husband decided to leave - I should be grateful for that?! Enduring that made me a better person? How? I barely survived! Oh, right, it made me stronger because it didn't kill me. Because infertility wasn't enough to make me stronger? No, I am not grateful for all that happened in 2012. I'm grateful that I survived it and that it is over. I am ready for 2013, a new beginning and hopefully some happiness and joy. 

Placement

Don’t tell me to think positively. Just don’t. For one, I have heard it enough. But, it also seems like every single time I do think positively well that’s when something awful happens and the cycle begins all over again. Sorry, but I think I have used up all my Pollyanna sunshine. The amount of negative things that have happened in my life this year are enough to rival that of Job’s predicament. Ok, maybe not that drastic, but almost….. I have lost pretty much everything I had when I started this year…..

Christmas is just days away now and each night I find myself just sitting in my kitchen, alone, sobbing. The cause last night was squabbling in my family about what each person or couple planned to do for Christmas Eve. For every other year of my life we have spent Christmas Eve with my father’s parents. It has never been a question or issue, we would simply be there. Well, now my grandfather’s health has not been the best and my grandmother decided she was not up to hosting Christmas Eve. We (being myself, my parents, and my sister – my brother has not been to a single holiday gathering since he was old enough to drive….) decided my mom and I would prepare a Christmas Eve dinner and it would be just our immediate family plus my sister’s boyfriend and my brother’s girlfriend if he decided to show up. Then, my mom’s brother called last week to invite us over to his house for Christmas Eve. My mom thought my sister would flip shit having the plans changed (because she at times in the past she has gone totally berserk at having plans changed), but as it turns out, my sister would like to go. So, last night, I was smack-dab in the middle of my sister complaining and thinking I was “on her side” and could commiserate, my aunt just wanting to know what we were doing so she could plan on how many people she would be feeding, and my mom and dad resolutely refusing to alter their plans and declaring they do not want spaghetti for dinner on Christmas Eve (which is what my uncle and aunt plan to serve). My sister doesn’t understand why my parents don’t want to go and what the big deal is about eating spaghetti for dinner. My parents were looking forward to just having “the kids” over for Christmas Eve dinner and I think it’s been hard on my dad realizing that my grandfather’s health has not be the greatest. I lost it. I lost the last shred of rational judgment and just sobbed as I spoke to first my mom and then my dad while simultaneously chatting with my aunt and sister on Facebook.

Generally, I am the one in the middle of these conflicts, trying to find a compromise that will make everyone at least agree if not be happy. But, right now I just can’t. I mean, seriously people! Could we please remember that this will be my first Christmas ALONE in 7 years? It doesn’t matter where I go, who I am with or what I eat – this Christmas is not going to be a good one. If fact, I just want this holiday season and this year to be over with. So excuse me if I decide that I just cannot put one more ounce of effort towards caring about this stupid issue. I have toyed with the idea of just staying home and eating cereal and watching Friends re-runs Christmas Eve. Bah humbug!

Wait, let me stop and put my rose-colored glasses back on and be positive…… That was sarcasm, incase that didn’t come through in blog-formatting. Do I have things that I can be grateful for? Sure I do. I am grateful that I am still healthy, that I have not lost my house to foreclosure or even come close, that my car insurance is paying for me to have a nice rental car, that CHOR didn’t kick me out of being a foster parent, that I have my parents and my sister and all my wonderful friends in my life. I could go on. And yes, I suppose I should concentrate on these happier, more positive things more and think less of the negative things. But, when you have been kicked and knocked down again and again and again, you tend to get a sore spot. How many times can you get knocked down and get back up? When do the losses begin to erode whatever simple joy there is in your heart? Sometimes I just have to look at reality and say, “this sucks!” There are no two ways about it, this current year has sucked. I would be deranged if I sat here and blithely said, “Well, things are just fine and dandy!” When you lose a marriage, a baby to adopt, financial stability, a car, a beloved foster care placement – it makes you want to cover up that soft, vulnerable positive spot inside your heart for fear the next time it gets pummeled it will not recover……

 

In other news, I got a call on my ride home this afternoon about two little kids I have had in respite a few times this past month. I had been asked if I would consider taking them as a foster placement because their current foster family asked for them to be moved. I never gave an official answer, I was called for another placement and then figured CHOR had moved on. Well, the call this afternoon was to see if I could take the kids again this weekend. I was going to have them on Sunday just during the day, but now I will have them all weekend long. And, I will be taking them as a foster care placement, assuming the county allows it. The kids are good when they are with me and in fact, they are really sweet, even if the older one can be a handful. I was just touched by their situation and I know it will only be temporary. Something inside me just said, "take them." I had been struggling with this decision ever since it was presented to me. Perhaps it was a prompting from God, I don't know. So, this postpones things for me, in terms of a legal risk placement, but I'm hoping that God has something in mind and is just holding out for the best placement once these two go back to their mom...... 

There is a unique situation developing, but it is so tenuous at the moment that I don’t even want to think about it, let alone talk about it. If it pans out, it will be a beautiful and miraculous blessing. If it does not pan out, I don’t want to be emotionally involved so that I won’t get hurt again….. If you think of me, please pray for the miraculous and beautiful blessing that it could be…..

Ring phone! Ring!

Last night was the CHOR Christmas party. I was very nice and they had a lovely program for the kids, including a visit from Santa who handed out gifts for the children. The boys I was supposed to meet did not come to the event, so I did not meet them. But, yesterday afternoon I got a call for a different placement of three little girls again. It’s very confusing to have so many potential options on the table. Late this afternoon I got a call stating the county said they don't need a placement for the girls. It was a foster care placement so similar to the one that I had in November I think that is the only reason I said yes……

My hopes for a placement before Christmas are dwindling. Just another lesson that things don’t happen on my timing, I suppose. Sure, there are still two days left to this week and there is still the weekend – who knows, right? And I have been getting calls, every week I get at least one call for a placement. It’s just that nothing seems to pan out. I should be used to it by now, shouldn’t I? I should be taking these things in stride and letting what will be, be. But, that is contradictory to my nature. I’m not as type A as my sister, but I still do like to have a semblance of a working plan. The waiting for answers is sometimes blessedly short and other times excruciatingly long. Sometimes, rather than a yea or nay answer about a placement, I get a call for another placement, indicating the previous placement is a no-go. Sometimes I feel so strongly I will “get” a certain placement and sometimes I am kind of ok when I do not. Other times there are placements that haunt me because I stupidly dared to dream about what it would be like to have them with me. The most recent was a BCCYS legal risk placement for a 2 year old and 2 month old – exactly the placement I want! For whatever reason, it was not meant to be. And so I wait; impatiently and cautiously hopeful, I wait for “my” baby(s) to find his/her way into my arms. Soon. Maybe before the new year? Staring at my phone does not make it ring….. I should find a hobby to take up my time so I am not obsessing over this each and every day. I do try to keep busy and involved with other things, but there are moments of downtime in which my mind wanders back to thinking about when I might get a call for a placement that will eventually become my child…… Sometimes it’s nice to just daydream about how things will or could be. Other times it is agonizing to think that no matter how much my heart desires for certain things to happen, they don’t seem to be going that way at this point in time…… Ring phone! Ring!

Be Careful what You Wish for

Don’t “they” say to be careful what you wish for because you just might get it? Well, I was hoping that I would not need to make the decision about the two children I had for respite care this weekend (to decide to foster for them for the next several months, knocking myself out of the running for a legal risk placement). I was hoping I would get a call for a placement. Well, I did get a call during lunch today. But, rather than having me jump for joy, it has me again in a quandary.

A year ago, when I began the process to adopt, I understood that if I only wanted an infant I might be waiting a long time for a placement. So, I reluctantly agreed to accept the placement of a child up to age 3. Then, I had a 2 year old and I fell in love and it didn’t matter than he wasn’t an infant. But, last month I got my heart’s desire – I was given a newborn, not yet two weeks old. It was only a temporary placement and it was the emotional trauma of this sibling group being moved that served as the catalyst for me to finally say, “no more foster care for the moment – I want to be a permanent mommy.” I have been called with 4 different placements before today and they were almost all for toddlers and babies. Today I got a call for two boys who are not babies, they are not even in diapers, in fact, one is in first grade! They are in foster care already and their case has now moved to legal risk. I will meet them tomorrow at the CHOR Christmas party. While it would be nice to not have to change diapers, I will feel like I am missing so much, especially when I already feel like I am missing out on the whole pregnancy thing too. Stupid things are in my mind, like, “I wonder how long they will call me by my name before they begin calling me ‘mom’,” and “I guess I won’t need all those cloth diapers I bought, or the crib, or the car seats, or the pack-n-play, or most of the toys I have collected.” My heart is heavy with this decision because I think I already know my answer – I want a baby. But, how will I make that call once I see their precious faces? How can I say “no” after I already know their names? They deserve a home just as much as a baby does.

I was talking to my mom this past weekend, trying to get her opinion about taking on the two respite kids as foster kids. She was not having the greatest day so it was not a terribly productive chat, but she did lecture me about being sure I am ready financially to take on a child, before I adopt, and she thought taking just one would be best. Because of this whole car issue, my finances (so precarious already) are again teetering on the brink – my own personal fiscal cliff, if you will – but, I am gainfully employed and I have managed to hold on for nearly a year now. Really, there is no place for my finances to go but up. It is a worry, but the foster-to-adopt process is not a quick one, so I will have time to get everything squared away. The only-take-one idea is a valid one, me being alone and all, but ever since my two single placements, I have only had one call for a single child. All the other calls have been for sibling groups. And, the agencies will not break up siblings if they can help it, so I will lose out on a lot of placements if I say “just one please.” Ideally, I would like to have a child that is 2-3 and an infant. That would be my ideal situation.

So, as this grueling journey continues, I must now decide if I can once again change my “dream” to accept two boys who are not babies or if I will wait until something closer to my ideal shows up. I wish things were easier. I wish this process didn’t have to be so hard. I wish my heart didn’t ache for each and every child I hear about. I wish I didn’t have to go through this at all……..

Desperately Waiting

I’m in a better frame of mind today. I guess, once again, I found a way to pull myself up by my bootstraps and march on. I’m not saying that I feel all Pollyanna and sunshine, but I am not so doom and gloom like the previous two days. The nasty things are safely tucked away for the moment.

I am grateful to have a distraction this weekend with the two little kids I will be caring for coming tonight. I got a call from CHOR today asking me to take them again next Sunday, just during the day and I agreed. I reiterated my concerns about taking them as a foster placement and potentially losing out on a legal risk or adoption placement. And I was told again that I need to do what is best for me. I wish I didn’t have to make this decision. I keep hoping that between now and Monday I get a call for a placement and my decision will be made for me. I did have a call this afternoon for a placement of two babies, but before I could even wrap my head around it, CHOR called back and said the county found relatives to take them. So, perhaps I will get that call Monday……

I am struggling because I like these kids, they are funny and sweet and the little girl is naughty (she is so smart it gets her into trouble) and makes me laugh. It would be nice to have a distraction right now. And, according to CHOR, they will being going back to their mother sometime in the beginning of the year, so it would only be temporary. But, that would put me on-hold for my desire and goal to be moving in the direction of adoption. I realized, as I am thinking about this placement, that I have never said no to a placement CHOR has presented to me. Flaco said no on a few occasions, but I was always willing to give it a try.

Last night my family worker came over to renew my homestudy approval for the next year. We talked about the placements I have had over the past year and what my future goals are. I up-dated and emailed my new autobiography to her this morning – one that removed the “we” and focused on me. She said her supervisor had told her to be sure to praise me for all the great work I have done this year and how much they appreciate how easily I communicate with staff, that I implement their suggestions with the kids I have in my care, and how well I care for the children. She said they are so glad I stayed with them after the rocky start because I have done such a great job. It was nice to hear all of this and to know that what I do, all the effort I put forth, does not go un-noticed. I was surprised to hear they were glad I stayed because I was just so glad they didn’t kick me out! I’m thankful that this agency has been so kind to me and so supportive of the decisions I have made and that they acknowledge how hard it is to be a foster parent. It was nice to know the feelings were mutual!

So, I will see how things go this weekend and try to make up my mind about these two kids. I really don’t know which way to go, but I pray for wisdom in making a decision……