Final Decision

So, beginning this weekend, I will be getting a new foster placement. Yes, foster placement, not legal risk placement or adoption placement. I have had these two little kids with me for every weekend since the first weekend in December, minus one. They are sweet kids for the most part, but the girl can be quite a handful. Initially, I was not going to take them because I really want a permanent placement, but I felt bad for their situation and so agreed to take them full-time. They will be with me for a couple of months – or at least that is the case at the moment.

It makes me sad to say this, but I’m not overly excited to be having these kids come stay with me. Perhaps it is just because I am trying very hard to not let myself get too attached to these kids because they will be leaving soon (even though the baby reminds me of the first baby I had as a potential adoption and whom I still feel like he was my son, even if it was only for a few months). It will be interesting having these munchkins because I already know what behavioral issues they are coming with and I have already been trying to get them into a routine when they have been with me on the weekends. But, I will need to be getting up much earlier in the mornings again because I need to take the children to a daycare with another foster family and it is about a 20 minute drive in the opposite direction of my work. But, hopefully, after these little ones I will have my “own” baby come to me…..

The New Year

So, this new year has been interesting thus far. And there have already been some ups and downs as well. My grandfather has been in the hospital since right before Christmas. He was in for a surgery to remove embedded kidney stones and reconnect the urethra from his previous surgery. There have been some serious complications leading to a perforated bowel and a 70% chance of infection which could lead to sepsis. It’s been touch and go ever since his second operation new years eve. This is my dad’s father and really the only grandfather I have known. My mom’s father was not in contact with the family after my grandmother passed away from breast cancer when I was 5. He resurfaced when I was graduating from high school and I see him maybe one or two times a year at different family functions. I don’t call him “Grandpa” or anything, I call him by his first name. My grandfather in the hospital now I call PopPop. He was the only one I let pull my teeth as a child and he pulled every single baby tooth from my mouth and also most of my sisters as well. He taught me to ride a bike, yelling “Peddle, peddle, peddle!” and gently pushing me forward. He used to take us (my brother and I mostly) into the meadow to see a new calf when it was born. He would let us ride along on the wagon when he picked up hay or when he picked corn. Every year for my birthday I had a hay ride party and he would be the one to drive the tractor around the farm with a bunch of screaming girls (and some boys and parents) in the back. I love my grandfather dearly and I have been praying feverishly for his recovery. The worst part is that he is not in a local hospital. He is in Hershey which is over an hour’s drive away. My sister and I did go to see him Christmas day but I have not been able to get back up to see him. When we were leaving Christmas day, he was holding my fingers and squeezing them tightly and he would not let go because he didn’t want us to leave. He could not talk because his throat was sore from the tube they used when he was anesthetized and he had so many other tubes and things stuck to his arms and hands that he couldn’t really hold hands. But, having his family around him comforted him and he didn’t want us to leave him alone. It just broke my heart to gently pry my fingers from his and give him an air kiss (I had the sniffles and was wearing a mask, plus there were too many things on his body to get too close him anyway). My grandfather has always been a hard worker. From sun up to sun down he has worked in the fields, in the barn, or with the animals. He is sometimes seen as gruff by other people but his family knows him to be a big softie on the inside, especially for children and animals. I remember him always bringing some milk and cat food for the ferial barn cats. And I have the funniest memory of him helping me, my siblings, and my father to load our 4-H pigs at a local fair. He was especially friendly with one of the pigs and while he was trying to keep the ones we already loaded on the truck, this pig was yanking on his pants legs wanting him to scratch behind his ears. Then, as he was swatting this pig away, another pig broke loose into the crowd of bystanders (who immediately screamed and scurried away as if the pig were Godzilla) and chased a woman desperately trying to flee up a dirt path with a double stroller. I thought my grandfather would bust a gut laughing! Now, his life hangs in the balance and my heart aches knowing he is in pain and suffering so far away from the home and people he treasures so dearly. I pray for his recovery and for a much anticipated homecoming.

Wednesday night I was in my bedroom doing a brief Bible study and getting ready for bed. It was about quarter after 10 and my home phone rang. No one calls me on my home phone. No one but telemarketers and they can’t call after 9 pm. So, I answered the phone and it was CHOR calling. It was an emergency and could I take in a 12 year old just for the night? Apparently there was a big altercation with her and the foster family and she needed to be removed from their home for the night. I said I could take her and the case worker promised to call me back and let me know what time and where to pick her up. That call did not come until around 11:30 and I did not get home with the very tall and very sullen 12 year old until after midnight. I took her to school yesterday morning and then picked her up again after 7 pm at CHOR. She spent the night with me and tonight will return to her foster family just in time for me to get the two little ones I have had every weekend since November. These two are still slated to be moved to my house, pending the decision of the county. The other foster family has them until the 9^th.

Tonight I will most likely be getting a “new” car. It is an older car but doesn’t have many miles on it and it is below the amount I have to spend, so I will be able to pay cash and not get another car loan. I wish I were getting a nicer, newer car, but having something reliable is fine. It’s a Ford Taurus and I have always hated how those cars look – they are not nearly as cute as my little Dodge Neon was – but it looks like it was well-kept and I will have a little money left over to pay some bills, so that’s not a bad deal. As one might suspect, Flaco has dropped the ball in compensating me for the money I have had to put out for the rental and towing of the old car. And he has not given me the deductible amount either. Raise your hand if your surprised……. I don’t see any hands…… Regardless, I will be ok. If this car lasts me another couple of years I will get my financial stuff together and be able to buy a nicer, newer car. Maybe even something I really like (I want a Honda CRV in the worst way…..)!

I have been able to keep up with two of my new year’s resolutions but have found it difficult to concentrate on the other two. But, I still have hope to work on them and get things going in the right direction for this year. The two resolutions I have been good about keeping are to do some form of physical activity for 30 minutes every day and to keep a house cleaning schedule. On Wednesday I did a yoga routine on YouTube by Jillian Michaels (from the Biggest Loser) and last night I did a different stretching yoga routine that really helped to soothe the muscles that were sore from Jillian’s workout. And, I decided that if I would take just a few minutes every day and clean one room in my house then I would not need to clean furiously every Saturday and Sunday. So, I have a schedule and plan to stick to it to keep things neat and tidy. And, as an added bonus, I can take Sunday’s off entirely! The two delinquent resolutions are to keep track of all my expenditures to get my finances in order and to eat healthier. To be fair, I planned to start the eating healthier part this weekend because I plan to go grocery shopping Saturday morning to get the ingredients I need. Plus, I detest wasting food (partially from how I was raised and partially from my experience in Nicaragua seeing how food is never wasted when it is a precious commodity) and I wanted to finish the leftovers I have. So, it’s a work in progress!

Good-bye 2012, Hello 2013

It is finally time to bid adieu to the most miserable year of my life. Last New Years I was over-the-top optimistic and enthusiastic for a year I thought would be the best year of my life because I was so sure we would be adopting a baby. But, I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows within the first six weeks of the new year. So, this year I am going to be cautiously optimistic. I figure, at worst, 2013 could only be the second worst year of my life and at best it could be a year of restoration and extreme blessing. I’m guessing it will fall somewhere in between. I just have such a desire for a new beginning this year. I want to shake off all the nasty shit from 2012 and get it behind me permanently. I want to be more positive, despite my circumstances and I want to restore my belief that good things can happen to me, rather than keeping my head down because surely there is something nasty coming my way. I have never felt so beat down by life like I have this past year. Sure, yucky things have happened to me in the past but they always felt like one incident, not like life itself was taking a whack at me. This year I have felt like I had a target on my back and no matter which way I turned there was something taking aim at me. I felt like a pebble caught in the crushing surf being pummeled upon the shore until it was broken down to the very core and there was nothing left to break off. I’m supposed to believe that the tough times will make me stronger. I’m supposed to find a deeper relationship with God when I am suffering. I’m supposed to think that only intense pressure turns coal into diamonds or something like that. If only one of the multitude of nasty things had happened this past year I think I could still believe that, but when they just kept piling on….. Nope. Yes, the intense pressure did turn me into something harder, but also something a little less trusting, a little less open, and a little less believing that good triumphs over evil.

But, now it is time to turn away from the past. It is time to look forward to the future. I am not creating grandiose dreams of 2013 in my head, but I am praying for a calm and quiet year. Yes, my hope is still to adopt and maybe that will happen in 2013 (or at least be under way). Hopefully, I can find more financial stability in this new year and get things on the right track. I hope that my heart can be healed and that I can again believe that something good is going to happen to me. I pray that I can get some of my optimism back. Here’s to a happy, healthy and blessed 2013.

Living in Limbo

CHOR called today. I'm taking the kids in for respite again this weekend, but there was no up-date on if/when they would be transitioned to my house. The case worker who called me is new and when I asked her if she knew when the kids would be moved to me permanently, she muttered something about them being with their mother on Monday and that things were up in the air at the moment. I'm not sure what this means, but I will have them this weekend at least. I have had these kids all but one weekend this entire month. It's sad that the foster family has not been able to keep them, but we have fun when they are with me - at least I think we do. So, much like the rest of my life, things seem to be in limbo......

White Christmas

Christmas is over. It was a white Christmas for us – it snowed about an inch Monday night and melted Christmas afternoon. We are expecting more snow today with sleet and freezing rain. I was expecting to get a call from CHOR today, up-dating me as to when the children would be moving to my place. I’m hoping it won’t be before the new year because I need to find a car. My car is officially totaled and they should be getting the check to me sometime this week. Then I will only have the rental car for 5 days before I become car-less. Car shopping with a three year old and a year old baby is illogical, to say the least. For the most part I am wholly resigned to having them for a the next several months, but sometimes I fantasize about getting a legal risk placement for an infant. I know it is irrational, but I have an overly-creative mind that I find hard to reign in.

Although I tried very hard not to dwell on unpleasant things (and succeeded for the most part), I had a few pangs of sadness at being a 5^th wheel during Christmas (my parents and my sister and her boyfriend were all paired up). And I remembered how last Christmas I was so sure it was the last one without a little one present. Last Christmas we had been celebrating our acceptance and qualification as foster-to-adopt parents and were gleefully waiting for a call that would make us parents. How differently things turned out…..

 

I am trying hard to not reflect too much on the past year. What's the point? I just want to forget all the pain and misery I endured in 2012. I saw a post on Facebook earlier today saying how we should be thankful for everything that happened this past year because it made us who we are today and brought us to where we're supposed to be.... or something like that. I hate that. It seems to imply that a person had some kind of personality defect requiring some cataclysmic event to cause them to change. Maybe that is just because I have been trying to figure out the life's lesson from all that has occurred this past year. I liked the person I was last year and the year before that - I don't so much like the person this year has made me. I'm trying hard to not become that sullen miserable person who will never let anyone in because they have been so badly hurt. But hearing that I should jump for joy for all the things that have happened, like getting a baby taken away because my husband decided to leave - I should be grateful for that?! Enduring that made me a better person? How? I barely survived! Oh, right, it made me stronger because it didn't kill me. Because infertility wasn't enough to make me stronger? No, I am not grateful for all that happened in 2012. I'm grateful that I survived it and that it is over. I am ready for 2013, a new beginning and hopefully some happiness and joy. 

Placement

Don’t tell me to think positively. Just don’t. For one, I have heard it enough. But, it also seems like every single time I do think positively well that’s when something awful happens and the cycle begins all over again. Sorry, but I think I have used up all my Pollyanna sunshine. The amount of negative things that have happened in my life this year are enough to rival that of Job’s predicament. Ok, maybe not that drastic, but almost….. I have lost pretty much everything I had when I started this year…..

Christmas is just days away now and each night I find myself just sitting in my kitchen, alone, sobbing. The cause last night was squabbling in my family about what each person or couple planned to do for Christmas Eve. For every other year of my life we have spent Christmas Eve with my father’s parents. It has never been a question or issue, we would simply be there. Well, now my grandfather’s health has not been the best and my grandmother decided she was not up to hosting Christmas Eve. We (being myself, my parents, and my sister – my brother has not been to a single holiday gathering since he was old enough to drive….) decided my mom and I would prepare a Christmas Eve dinner and it would be just our immediate family plus my sister’s boyfriend and my brother’s girlfriend if he decided to show up. Then, my mom’s brother called last week to invite us over to his house for Christmas Eve. My mom thought my sister would flip shit having the plans changed (because she at times in the past she has gone totally berserk at having plans changed), but as it turns out, my sister would like to go. So, last night, I was smack-dab in the middle of my sister complaining and thinking I was “on her side” and could commiserate, my aunt just wanting to know what we were doing so she could plan on how many people she would be feeding, and my mom and dad resolutely refusing to alter their plans and declaring they do not want spaghetti for dinner on Christmas Eve (which is what my uncle and aunt plan to serve). My sister doesn’t understand why my parents don’t want to go and what the big deal is about eating spaghetti for dinner. My parents were looking forward to just having “the kids” over for Christmas Eve dinner and I think it’s been hard on my dad realizing that my grandfather’s health has not be the greatest. I lost it. I lost the last shred of rational judgment and just sobbed as I spoke to first my mom and then my dad while simultaneously chatting with my aunt and sister on Facebook.

Generally, I am the one in the middle of these conflicts, trying to find a compromise that will make everyone at least agree if not be happy. But, right now I just can’t. I mean, seriously people! Could we please remember that this will be my first Christmas ALONE in 7 years? It doesn’t matter where I go, who I am with or what I eat – this Christmas is not going to be a good one. If fact, I just want this holiday season and this year to be over with. So excuse me if I decide that I just cannot put one more ounce of effort towards caring about this stupid issue. I have toyed with the idea of just staying home and eating cereal and watching Friends re-runs Christmas Eve. Bah humbug!

Wait, let me stop and put my rose-colored glasses back on and be positive…… That was sarcasm, incase that didn’t come through in blog-formatting. Do I have things that I can be grateful for? Sure I do. I am grateful that I am still healthy, that I have not lost my house to foreclosure or even come close, that my car insurance is paying for me to have a nice rental car, that CHOR didn’t kick me out of being a foster parent, that I have my parents and my sister and all my wonderful friends in my life. I could go on. And yes, I suppose I should concentrate on these happier, more positive things more and think less of the negative things. But, when you have been kicked and knocked down again and again and again, you tend to get a sore spot. How many times can you get knocked down and get back up? When do the losses begin to erode whatever simple joy there is in your heart? Sometimes I just have to look at reality and say, “this sucks!” There are no two ways about it, this current year has sucked. I would be deranged if I sat here and blithely said, “Well, things are just fine and dandy!” When you lose a marriage, a baby to adopt, financial stability, a car, a beloved foster care placement – it makes you want to cover up that soft, vulnerable positive spot inside your heart for fear the next time it gets pummeled it will not recover……

 

In other news, I got a call on my ride home this afternoon about two little kids I have had in respite a few times this past month. I had been asked if I would consider taking them as a foster placement because their current foster family asked for them to be moved. I never gave an official answer, I was called for another placement and then figured CHOR had moved on. Well, the call this afternoon was to see if I could take the kids again this weekend. I was going to have them on Sunday just during the day, but now I will have them all weekend long. And, I will be taking them as a foster care placement, assuming the county allows it. The kids are good when they are with me and in fact, they are really sweet, even if the older one can be a handful. I was just touched by their situation and I know it will only be temporary. Something inside me just said, "take them." I had been struggling with this decision ever since it was presented to me. Perhaps it was a prompting from God, I don't know. So, this postpones things for me, in terms of a legal risk placement, but I'm hoping that God has something in mind and is just holding out for the best placement once these two go back to their mom...... 

There is a unique situation developing, but it is so tenuous at the moment that I don’t even want to think about it, let alone talk about it. If it pans out, it will be a beautiful and miraculous blessing. If it does not pan out, I don’t want to be emotionally involved so that I won’t get hurt again….. If you think of me, please pray for the miraculous and beautiful blessing that it could be…..

Ring phone! Ring!

Last night was the CHOR Christmas party. I was very nice and they had a lovely program for the kids, including a visit from Santa who handed out gifts for the children. The boys I was supposed to meet did not come to the event, so I did not meet them. But, yesterday afternoon I got a call for a different placement of three little girls again. It’s very confusing to have so many potential options on the table. Late this afternoon I got a call stating the county said they don't need a placement for the girls. It was a foster care placement so similar to the one that I had in November I think that is the only reason I said yes……

My hopes for a placement before Christmas are dwindling. Just another lesson that things don’t happen on my timing, I suppose. Sure, there are still two days left to this week and there is still the weekend – who knows, right? And I have been getting calls, every week I get at least one call for a placement. It’s just that nothing seems to pan out. I should be used to it by now, shouldn’t I? I should be taking these things in stride and letting what will be, be. But, that is contradictory to my nature. I’m not as type A as my sister, but I still do like to have a semblance of a working plan. The waiting for answers is sometimes blessedly short and other times excruciatingly long. Sometimes, rather than a yea or nay answer about a placement, I get a call for another placement, indicating the previous placement is a no-go. Sometimes I feel so strongly I will “get” a certain placement and sometimes I am kind of ok when I do not. Other times there are placements that haunt me because I stupidly dared to dream about what it would be like to have them with me. The most recent was a BCCYS legal risk placement for a 2 year old and 2 month old – exactly the placement I want! For whatever reason, it was not meant to be. And so I wait; impatiently and cautiously hopeful, I wait for “my” baby(s) to find his/her way into my arms. Soon. Maybe before the new year? Staring at my phone does not make it ring….. I should find a hobby to take up my time so I am not obsessing over this each and every day. I do try to keep busy and involved with other things, but there are moments of downtime in which my mind wanders back to thinking about when I might get a call for a placement that will eventually become my child…… Sometimes it’s nice to just daydream about how things will or could be. Other times it is agonizing to think that no matter how much my heart desires for certain things to happen, they don’t seem to be going that way at this point in time…… Ring phone! Ring!