Small Victories

It may sound silly, but for a little while now I’ve been worried that the baby wasn’t bonded to me. And, this isn’t coming from a selfish, I-want-to-be-his-forever-mommy place, it’s coming from an understanding that if a baby can attach to his caretaker appropriately, then he will have less attachment issues later on. Last night dispelled my fears. I had a meeting at night after work and had to leave the children with a different foster family. They had taken care of the baby one day last week and they agreed to watch both children while I was in my meeting. The little girl cried when I left her, which she has done before. She settled down after a few minutes and didn’t notice my absence until later on. When I got back to the house I could hear the baby crying. The foster mom was holding him and she said he had been crying like that for 45 minutes. I took him from her, kissed his cheek and said, “What’s the matter sweet boy?” He quieted almost instantly. “Aw, his just needed his momma,” the other foster mom said. I was amazed at how quickly he calmed down once I was holding him and he only whimpered when I put him in his car seat. It was true, all he wanted was the person who has been holding him and putting him to sleep night after night for the past four months. He wanted me. I know to all those bio-mommas out there, this ain’t no thang. But, it’s HUGE to me. I almost started bawling right then and there. So, the baby *is* attached to me. To me! He likes that Primero makes him laugh and plays him music or when his sister pretends to read him a book, but when he is tired and in a strange place, he seeks comfort from my arms, from my voice, from my kiss. It’s an amazing thing, it truly is!

 

Yesterday was full of good news. We got the green light to have Primero’s brother spend the weekend with us for his birthday! Both boys are so excited and I know for Primero this birthday is shaping up to a pretty good one. One downfall is that I do have to drive an hour one way to get this kid, but it will be worth it, for both of them. It will be wonderful for Primero to have his brother with him on his birthday because he couldn’t last year. And it will be worth it for the brother because he will get to spend time in our home and see if it is still the place where he would rather be. I’m so, so, so glad it worked out because before yesterday morning, it didn’t seem like it was going to happen. I called the brother’s foster mom last night. She is with a different agency, one I’ve never heard of. In my short stint as a foster mother, I’ve interacted with many foster families from my own agency, but very few from other agencies. With the exception of one person, I’ve found all the foster families with CHOR to be kind, warm, and genuinely nice people. The one person I don’t care for is arrogant and seems disinterested in being a foster parent, he does it because he’s married to a woman who’s been a foster mother for many years. When I have called other foster families who don’t know me, they are always cordial after I explain who I am. This other foster mother was gruff and rather rude. I’m hoping she is less abrasive in person than over the phone and that when I meet her Friday afternoon, she is as kind and gregarious as all the other CHOR foster families. I know we are with different agencies and we live in different counties, but we have two young men who are brothers and I think we should be able to work together to help them out. Rather than a sense of cooperation, I got the sense that I was an annoyance to her and a problem she wished to expel. She wanted to hear from the case worker with her agency that this plan was truly happening, which I can understand. But, there are polite ways of stating this, which she did not employ. If she treats the foster kids this way, is it any wonder the brother wants to desperately to leave that home? Again, I’m hoping  I just caught her at a bad time, in a bad mood, or off-guard and her normal behavior isn’t so condescending. I don’t mean to rag on another foster parent, I know firsthand that this isn’t an easy gig. I was just so put off by her mannerisms, I can’t help but relay my displeasure. Regardless, we count this as a victory for Primero and his brother. As Primero’s case worker said, they deserve this and they do. I’m glad I made the inquiry and didn’t let fear hold me back. I’m hoping we have a lovely time together, just the three of us since the little ones are going into respite for the weekend. Two teenage boys in the house this weekend, I’m a glutton for punishment! No, in reality, it is a blessing, one I'm very thankful is coming to pass.    

Her Body

My son is dating a young lady who is about to have an abortion. The baby isn’t his, thank God, it’s from her previous boyfriend. He told me about it last night and it’s been killing me ever since. I don’t want to get into politics about abortion. I understand that other people feel differently about it than I do, and probably share Primero’s cavalier opinion that “it’s her body.” I am staunchly pro-life. There, I said it. I’m not saying I would totally ban abortions, but I firmly believe they should not be used a birth control. I believe they should not be common place and they should not be taken lightly. I think they should be reserved for instances of rape and incest or when the mother’s life is in danger. I don’t think abortions should be for stupid teenagers who can’t be bothered to be responsible enough to use protection when having sex. Sex is not a right, it is a privilege that can come with life-altering consequences such as pregnancy. If a young person is not mature enough to handle the consequences, then they should not engage in the act to begin with – and yes, I know telling a hormonal teenager not to do something is about as good as asking your cat to tap dance. But that’s why teenagers still have parents and parents still have control over their teenagers. Again, I know that I am not expressing a majority opinion here and I don’t care. I am mostly concerned about this situation due to my son’s involvement. First of all, I don’t like that he’s dating a promiscuous girl. He is still innocent and I want him to stay that way for a few more years (not innocent in understanding, please it’s 2014 and he’s seen a lot in his life not to mention on TV and in movies – I just mean in his personal experiences). Not only is this girl promiscuous but she is also irresponsible because this is the second time in a short few months she’s been knocked up by her boyfriend. Once, a mistake, twice you’re irresponsible. I know this girl from this past summer and thought she was sweet. I don’t dislike her now, I just wish she weren’t interested in my son. My second issue is Primero’s reaction to all of this; his nonchalant attitude about abortion and that it’s “her body” makes me want to throw up just a little bit. If it takes two to create a baby, it should take two to destroy a baby as well. It might be her body, but she now shares it with another life (since I’m being unpopular, I might as well go ahead and say I believe life begins at conception), a life that is part her creation and part the creation of her boyfriend. Why should she be the only one to decide the fate of that life which is only partially hers? I’m not a proponent for teen pregnancy, far from it. But, as a person who cannot procreate, I cannot endorse killing a life because it is inconvenient. And I hate the fact that my son could as easily eliminate that fetus as he could a bag of trash. I fervently hope and pray he never finds himself in this situation and I’ve talked with him about it a million times. I never told him I expect him to wait for marriage or any other “antiquated” idea such as that, but I did tell him I hoped he would wait until he was truly in love and that he would be responsible every single time. I warned him of the consequences, not just pregnancy but STDs as well. My heart is a little broken over this but I promised him I would stop talking about it. He said he didn’t want to tell me because he knew I would react this way (I had a similar reaction to the news that his brothers girlfriend was pregnant – which oddly enough that girl is Primero’s girlfriends cousin……). Am I over-reacting? Maybe, but it’s hard not to when you see someone about to extinguish something you so desperately wanted to have, to easily shed an experience you’ve hoped and prayed to have for years. It’s not about me, it’s about her and “her body” but I don’t buy that. It is about me because it’s happening in my community, in an after school program where my son loves to hang out, to a girl he really likes. And I find it deplorable.  

Not my circus, not my monkeys

So, we had a nice night trick-or-treating on Friday. It was a little chilly, but we kept warm walking around my friends neighborhood. The little girl was scared at first, but she soon got the idea and had a great time gathering candy. Primero pushed the baby around in the stroller until he began to cry and then I carried him (the baby, not Primero). We have a few cute pictures and a nice memory.

 

This weekend Primero’s brother began unraveling again. He posted on Facebook that he started cutting himself. I sent him a message hoping to bolster his feelings, but it had little effect. He called Primero and they talked for a minute and Primero expressed his exasperation about his brother to me. The brother had broken up with a girlfriend last week and immediately began “dating” another girl via Facebook, but then they broke up as well. How do you stop the insanity with such poor relationship decisions? He doesn’t need a girlfriend right now, he just needs to concentrate on getting (and staying) healthy himself. And then, he can look for a healthy relationship, once he is ok on his own. But, that level of maturity escapes him, unfortunately. We have still not heard if we would be able to have Primero’s brother spend this coming weekend with us. Primero has vowed to follow up with his case worker, since I said it made me uncomfortable to push the envelope. I just don’t want to get any entity irritated and jeopardize Primero’s adoption. At this point, I feel like pulling away from the situation. It’s not that I don’t want to help Primero’s brother, but I doubt very much his moving in with us would cause any great change for him emotionally. He doesn’t have Primero’s plucky spirit and his desire to make the best of every situation. He mentioned on Facebook that his family doesn’t care about him and I know that is bullocks. I know his siblings care about him, but they are not in positions where they can help him beyond offering their emotional support. It’s almost like he is determined to be miserable and even seek attention to draw others into his misery. I’m not a therapist or a psychologist, I have no clue how to help him over-come his emotional demons. It’s always a fine line between offering to help and being a nosy nuisance. I want this kid to know he has a friendly ear to listen, if he feels like talking about things or even just bemoaning his current situation. But, I don’t want to be pushy or seem like I’m trying to force myself into a situation where I don’t need to be. It’s a strange situation to be his brother’s mother (almost!), but nothing to him. So, really at this point it would be easy to just give up and walk away. Just as the Facebook meme states, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” But, that’s the easy way out, it’s the simple way to absolve myself of the responsibility to care for someone I don’t have to care about. Since when have I been about the easy way out? I will reach out to him once again and offer support, let him know all hope is not lost. And, I might even try to get in touch with the case worker to have a definitive answer about this weekend. I will do what I can and pray for the best…….       

Trick-or-Treat

So, the little girl’s older sister was moved to a different foster home. She made an accusation that required the county to do an investigation and remove the girl from the home. I got a call Monday evening informing me I could not take the baby to this foster home for daycare and have since enrolled him in the same daycare as his sister. It makes things a tad easier in the mornings, not having to run three different places. But, I know the family is so sad not having the baby because they love him so and took such good care of him (spoiled him a bit, but he deserves it). We shall see how things turn out. The kids mom was elated that the older girl got moved, not comprehending or perhaps not caring that once a kid starts moving around in foster care it’s hard to stop. And now CHOR has the added difficulty in placing her due to the accusations – no one wants to subject themselves to the same potential issue and scrutiny. I feel bad for the girl because, more than the younger sister I have with me, she is manipulated by her mother. For whatever reason, the mother didn’t like that foster home and so she planted the idea in the girls head to get out of that home and so the girl did it. When the kids visited with their grandmother, I used to take all three, but now I’m not sure how it will be worked out. In all honesty, I’m hoping the other family could take all the kids to the visits once in awhile because it’s an arduous task. We shall see. No visits have been planned to my knowledge. It’s exhausting keeping up with it all, sometimes. But, at least the girls get to see each other at visits twice a week.

 

So, despite the little ones having a visit and gumming up our plans, we are going trick-or-treating. Our family theme is characters from Once Upon a Time, the TV show. Primero is Red Riding Hood, I am the Wicked Witch (from last season), the little girl is the blue fairy (with a blue tutu and wings) and the baby is a pirate (or Captain Hook, although he has an eye patch and not a hook, that’s not practical for a baby!). We are going to my friends neighborhood, since my area is lame and doesn’t have much action and I am so excited because this is my very first Halloween with kids! I’ve never taken children trick-or-treating before! And when I was a kid living on the farm, we couldn’t walk to houses my parents had to drive us around so we only went to people’s houses we knew and who lived nearby. So, this is an all-around brand-new experience for me and  I’m hoping the kids enjoy it!

 

This may sound silly, but it was hard for me to drop the baby off at a new daycare this week. Not because I don’t trust the daycare because I do, I think they are awesome and it would be my first choice for my own children. But, this little one who still keeps me up half the night has a huge hunk of my heart and I want nothing but the very best for him. I would rather keep him strapped to my chest than let anyone else take care of him, but alas, I must work and someone else must cuddle him and kiss his sweet, soft cheeks. Primero has been involved in an after school program at the same center for the arts where he had camp this past summer and so it has given me a few nights alone with the little girl and the baby. It has been a very nice bonding time for me and the little girl after the baby falls asleep. We don’t do anything special, we read or sit and watch cartoons together, sometimes she plays while I wash the dishes, but I can feel us growing closer as we get these few moments alone, just her and I. And, I am beginning to see us as a cohesive little family, my little family, one I am fiercely proud of, one I love with all I’ve got. We might be a strange little motley crew, but we have plenty of love to go around. Sometimes I get pangs for a Mr. to be in the picture, I never really thought I would be doing this alone, but at this point I’m so used to being the one and only adult I’m not even sure how we would function with a second grown-up in the mix. So, it’s just the four of us; a happy and healthy little family. Oh, how sweet it is!  

Holding Steady

Court was cancelled for tomorrow. I got the confirmation from one of the case workers. And the kids will have a visit with their mother Friday afternoon instead of Wednesday. I was only looking forward to going to court to find out a little more about what is going on. The baby has only been to court once right after he moved in with me, when he was just days old. The little girl went to court the Monday after she came to me and I didn’t go because I didn’t have enough notice to take time off of work. I had asked the other foster mother about what was happening, but due to her limited understanding of English, she couldn’t really tell me. She said something was mentioned about adoption and that they weren’t going to have court until January (this was in August). I don’t know what changed that they wanted to have court this month and I don’t know when they will reschedule the next court date. The kids mom thinks they are coming home soon, her lawyer got a new psych eval admitted and she thinks that’s the ticket. I have no idea, but it makes me nervous. I hold the baby and try to imagine him not being there and my heart stops beating. So, I squeeze him tighter and whisper sweet nothings into his wispy curls. I can’t think about him going home, the pain would be unimaginable…..

 

I still haven’t heard anything about Primero’s older brother. I haven’t heard if he is allowed to stay with us for Primero’s birthday and I’ve heard nothing more about potential plans to move him closer to his brother. It’s been total radio silence this week. And I don’t want to get pushy, I mean, I’m still shaking in my boots about doing something to disrupt Primero’s adoption. So, when Primero asked me if I heard from his case worker about his brother spending next weekend with us, I told him I hadn’t heard anything and I wasn’t willing to pursue the topic any further. He promised to call his case worker himself to get an answer and I said that would be fine. Usually his case worker is good about getting back to me, so I surmised she could be out of the office or perhaps “lost” the email I sent to her. We shall see if Primero gets anywhere with his phone call. And as far as the move goes, I’m assuming at this point the county was brought up to speed on the situation and, due to their inaction, they have chosen to heed the recommendation of CHOR and keep the kid where he is at right now. What the future holds is a total mystery. Based on Primero’s case, my assumption would be the county will move to have the brother placed in a home willing to do PLC (Permanent Legal Custody). And I told the brother I would be open to that, should his case progress to that point. I told him all I could do was express my willingness to CHOR and the county, but they get the ultimate say in where he will be. At least he seems to be settling in a little bit now, less anxious and less homesick. He is on my mind an awful lot, I guess just because he’s related to my heart of hearts, my sweet Primero and I feel a sense of duty in seeing him succeed in life. Everyone needs to have someone give a damn about them and I guess I put myself in that role for this kid. I try not to get angry at relatives who seem to extend an offer to home and family, only to rescind it with the slightest provocation. Sometimes I just don’t buy into the flesh and blood option as the be all, end all. I suppose, in a weird way, I’m glad the relatives didn’t feel like they could keep Primero because if they did he would never be my son. And I love him ever so dearly. Still, from the perspective of the kid, it sucks. I imagine the same for his brother. I pray for him to find a sense of peace in all that has happened and I pray he finds the stability necessary to get himself off the path of destruction and into a healthy and bright future.  

Pregnant Lunches

Why is it still so hard for me to be around pregnant women? Why do I still want to strangle them as I politely listen to them blather on and on about this and that worry or new issue? There is a co-worker who is newly pregnant. She just got married over the summer and they began trying immediately since she is already in her early 30s. I remember a conversation earlier this summer when she mentioned her cycles are longer than normal and how she thought that might make it hard. But, no, she’s preggo. And she isn’t even that far along and already I’m fed up with having lunch with her. Because that is all she, or any other woman that joins us for lunch, talks about. “Well, when I was pregnant with little Frankie, I did this and that and didn’t do this and didn’t do that.” Gag me, please. I shouldn’t feel this way, I have a baby and he gave me zero stretch marks and labor was a snap. I’m being facetious.  Yes, I am over-the-moon happy to have the baby with me and I hope he stays forever and ever, but the final rub for me is knowing I will never experience the whole pregnant thing. Get over it, right? Mostly, I am, but sitting at lunch having to busy myself reading Facebook posts just so I don’t go ballistic at hearing how her body has changed so much and doesn’t feel like her own and how she’s eating this and that but worried about eating lunchmeat and hotdogs. Ugh! Shut it already! I shouldn’t be so mean, and in real life I’m not, but in my head I’m screaming, “Don’t you get it?! That every complaint you have, every irritation or bother is something I would KILL to experience?!” I hate to say it, but I think pregnant women will always bother me. I don’t want to be that way, but I find it very hard to be anything but polite and lukewarm; I can’t gush on and on like some people can. I think they should treasure their pregnancy and never take it for granted that their reproductive system works as it should. But, that’s me seeing the world through my lens of infertility. I’ve never been pregnant. Barring any miraculous situations, I won’t ever be pregnant. So, excuse me if I don’t want to hear all about your pregnancy day in and day out. I just don't......  

Odds and Ends

The baby is four months old today! That’s insane! He is getting so big! He can almost sit up on his own and he can certainly hold his head up (he was doing that his first month, but was still wobbly and couldn’t control his head flops). He’s a good eater and doing ok with the addition of rice cereal to his formula. He has the biggest, most beautiful smile that just makes me melt and grin right back at him. He’s still not sleeping through the night, waking at least 2-3 times to eat. It’s much more manageable than when he was waking nearly every hour or every 2 hours. He is so adorable and I love him so much. He likes his swing, usually, unless he wants to be held then he hates it. He loves music, especially rock songs (little weirdo) and can be quieted by songs that Primero plays for him. He is also very intrigued with TV, I think just because it is a lot of color and movement. He coos and laughs, especially with Primero and his sister. Soon, he will out-grow his 3 month clothing and need larger items, in fact he has already out-grown numerous outfits. Primero can’t wait for him to talk and I’m just ready for him to sleep through the night.

 

I think, for the most part, we are all settled into our routines and life is buzzing along as it should be. If it weren’t for a host of issues, like car trouble, a clogged pipe in the basement, monetary issues, and the constant barrage of things breaking (like the curtain rod  that is partially falling down and would be really expensive to replace), things are good. But, these things, the constant issues that I can’t seem to escape and have no extra funds to replace properly, are pulling me down. The clogged pipe in the basement means if I do laundry the tub where the water empties into will overflow and flood the basement. The only solution, until my dad can unclog the pipe, is to bail the water as it empties from the washer. And then dump this water into the backyard, something I’m fairly certain is illegal. Plus, this is the same pipe that the kitchen sink drains into, so the same process must be taken when washing the dishes. I hate it. And the car, oh the damn car! How I wish I could light it on fire and push it off a bridge! Remember how I was without a car for nearly 6 weeks this past winter, due to the transmission going out on this car? Well, now my dad put a new alternator on and still the car isn’t working. Some electrical issue that has drained and killed my battery. And I’m tapped. I emotionally spent too much money on the cat, who ended up dying anyway, and so the finances are not in a good place right now. Most days I feel like the world’s biggest loser. Like why can’t I get my shit together already? And I can’t see an end in sight……

 

I’ve staying in touch with Primero’s brother, talking to him when he messages be on Facebook. I know he still really wants to move, but as time goes on this seems more and more unlikely. Primero and his older sister got into a fight on Facebook with the brother’s girlfriend. Due to her lie about being pregnant, their uncle and aunt decided the brother couldn’t move in with them. I questioned the logic on this, since the girlfriend has since been proven to not be pregnant, why couldn’t his brother now move in with the uncle and aunt. I said it sounded like it was just an excuse to me and not a very good one at that. I still think it would be an option for the county to explore that would make things easier on the brother. Perhaps it is being explored, I have no idea. I did ask Primero’s case worker if the brother could spend the weekend with us for Primero’s birthday in a few weeks. I don’t’ want to rock the boat or get anyone riled up, but it would be nice for them to spend some time together. And, the little ones will be out of the house because Primero requested that for his birthday. We shall see if that works out.

 

The little ones are supposed to have court the end of this week, but their mom told me last week it was going to be postponed. She says a lot of confusing stuff, so I asked the case workers and they haven’t responded yet about the court date or any of the other things the mother was telling me – like one of the visits being moved to Friday so she could celebrate Halloween with the kids. Generally, I take what she says with a grain of salt because I’m never quite sure if she is making things up or telling the truth. I also ask for confirmation from one of the case workers. I guess I will find out at some point this week, what is what. One of the case workers is coming to visit on Thursday, so I should have an answer by then at the latest……