Unicorns and Rainbows

I wrote a very long and rather snarky post and then deleted it. I guess there’s only so much dirty laundry I’m willing to air. The point I do want to convey is how Primero seems to have bounced back into the role of happy soon-to-be adopted child and how I haven’t quite managed to regain my role of ecstatic soon-to-be adoptive mom/Ash. I think I’m still reeling from the pain, I’m still aching and hurting because of some of the things that Primero said. I’m not stupid, those feelings don’t just vanish after two conversations and a night apart. So, he’s flipped back to adoption now. What about next month? Will he change his mind again? He agreed with his therapist last night that he would start calling me by my full name and then some day he’ll call me mother. I don’t even care anymore. I can’t just jump back on the everything’s-so-awesome-so-wonderful-unicorns-and-rainbows bandwagon again. Things are not wonderful. Things are not awesome. Things are hard. Things still hurt. I guess it’s a good thing I’m seeing a therapist.    

 
I used to think I was the poster child for adopting older children. I thought I would be a staunch advocate for adopting tweens and teens from foster care because hey, I did it! I assumed my story of reluctantly taking in Primero temporarily and then agreeing to adopt him would inspire others to overcome their reluctance and take in older children. I don’t feel this way anymore. I honestly don’t know if I could advocate taking in teens because the truth is they have experienced so much trauma and pain that it makes parenting them a heart wrenching, painful experience. I honestly don’t know if I would ever consider doing it again myself. Maybe this is just the pain talking and once I truly heal, I will feel differently again. I don’t know

Let it Go

“Let it go! Let it go!” I have this song on repeat in my brain because there are a LOT of things I need to be letting go of right now. And I am struggling, oh I am struggling!  

I need to let go of the idea that I will ever be on equal ground with Primero’s biological family

I have to let go of the idea that Primero is breaking up with his pregnant girlfriend

I have to let go of being jealous that some stupid teenager gets to name her baby when I don’t really get to name my children

I have to let go of Primero ever calling me anything but loathsome Ash

I have to let go of my future holidays being anything but divided, spending time with people I wouldn’t choose to spend time with

I have to get go of the pain every time Primero says “my mom” and means his bio mom

I have to let go of my hatred for his bio mom

I have to let go of thinking I will ever actually be the mom I want to be

I have to let go of doing so much for others and thinking I will be treated the same

I have to let go of everything

 

The pregnant girlfriend. I wish she would just go away! This afternoon her parents will accompany her to the after school program so she can officially announce she’s expecting. She pretended to tell Primero yesterday afternoon, since she didn’t want her parents to know she told her friends and boyfriend before she told them. She will be allowed to participate in the after school program. She told her parents on Friday that she’s dating Primero and they were fine with it, gave their stamp of approval. It doesn’t matter that I’m not fine with it, that’s what Primero told me on Friday. My approval is not needed and he would not heed my request that they break up. But, if her parents didn’t approve, he would yield to their will. It’s so messed up! (The snow glows white on the mountain tonight. Not a footprint to be seen. A kingdom of isolation. And it looks like I'm the queen!) He told me that his girlfriend wants him to be there when she has the baby. Not in the delivery room, but at the hospital. Um, what? She wanted him to help name the baby, but then picked out names on her own anyway. She claims she can’t find the baby daddy and is contemptuous about involving him. I guess her mom decided, on top of giving back her phone and all other privileges, she doesn’t have to tell the baby daddy. So, she’s treating Primero like he’s the baby daddy, involving him in so much. And he seems content to be along for the ride, despite his scathing remarks about his brother and the pregnant chick he was dating (and proposed marriage to) in December. I asked if she planned to give the baby her last name or hyphenate it with the daddy’s last name. He said she might choose a different last name altogether. If she gives her baby Primero’s last name I will hunt her down and kick her @ss. I wish he wasn’t involved with her! (The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside. Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried. Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Well, now they know!!) I’m trying so hard to not be scornful when Primero tells me things, but it’s so damn hard! I’m not this girl’s mother, thank God, but I hate that Primero is involved at all. And I hate how ok he is with everything – like sure, why shouldn’t my girlfriend be pregnant with another boys baby? (Let it go, let it go! Can't hold it back anymore. Let it go, let it go! Turn away and slam the door. I don't care what they're going to say. Let the storm rage on! The cold never bothered me anyway). I don’t want to allow Primero to be in the hospital when she has the baby, it’s not his place. I can acquiesce in taking him to visit her in the hospital but it’s going to be all of us, the whole kit and caboodle. I wish this weren’t happening. I wish this weren’t my life….. (It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all. It's time to see what I can do. To test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I'm free!) 

Primero is still calling me by my loathsome nickname. I think he’s used my full name once. And on top of that he still talks about “my mom” which just rubs salt in my wounds at this point (Let it go, let it go! I am one with the wind and sky. Let it go, let it go! You'll never see me cry. Here I stand and here I stay. Let the storm rage on…). I had the kids in respite Friday night until Saturday afternoon. When I picked them up we took Primero to get his hair cut. While we waited for his turn he said he’s given it a lot of thought, he talked about it with his oldest brother and the foster mom where he stayed in respite and he’s tired of flip-flopping about adoption. He does want me to adopt him. This on the heels of my decision to agree to PLC because I was about 80% sure that’s what he was going to choose. I should have been over-joyed or relieved or something. But, I felt nothing. I guess it’s just everything that’s going on, all the drama and all the stress.  

I wish we could go back to the beginning, when things seemed much easier. I wish we could recapture the elation at the initial decision to adopt. But, we cannot (My power flurries through the air into the ground. My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around. And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast. I'm never going back, the past is in the past.). We’ve been through some things and while I believe that enduring difficult and challenging times can make a relationship stronger, it can also destroy it. At this point, I think we are coming back together, but I also feel like I’m reaching a breaking point. I feel like there is so much I must come to terms with, I don’t know that I can do it! Not only am I dealing with a teenager, a child and baby but I’ve started seeing someone and well, I think maybe I feel like there’s not enough of me to go around. I don’t know how else to explain it. Life is just so complicated! (Let it go, let it go!! When I rise like the break of dawn. Let it go, let it go!! That perfect girl is gone. Here I stand in the light of day. Let the storm rage on! The cold never bothered me anyway…)

Left at the Altar

So, the girlfriend really is pregnant. She’s 7 months along but the baby didn’t cooperate to find out the gender. Her parents aren’t going to let her participate in the after school programs anymore, but she told Primero she would sneak off to see him today. Geeze! She is going to keep the baby and not give it to her aunt. Her mom is making her tell the baby daddy (thank God!) and it seems like mom and baby are healthy. As of right now they are still together and Primero insists they are going to stay together, although he admits he doesn’t want to keep dating her if he won’t ever see her. I have a feeling it will be over soon and I’m rather relieved, although heaven only knows who he’ll be dating next.

I’ve done some soul searching, I’ve hashed it out with friends and the case worker and the therapist and so I’ve come to a conclusion. If Primero chooses PLC and not adoption, I won’t ask him to leave. It’s not what I want, I find it painful and like all the joy has been sucked out of the experience, but I think it’s what’s right for Primero. I don’t want him to be hurt by being shoved out of a loving house just because his trauma won’t allow him to commit to adoption. And, in my heart he is my son, even if he never accepts that position. So, I can’t and I won’t give up on my son. I described it to a friend as if I’ve been left at the altar but the guy still wants to date. Only in this case it’s a hurt kid just needing to be loved, even when that’s hard to do, even when it hurts.

It’s not an easy thing to do from adoptive mom to guardian. All the celebratory pomp and circumstance have been sucked out of the equation. Permanent Legal Custody does not give me the same joy as adoption, there’s nothing to look forward to after all these months of expectation. But, I know it’s what’s right for Primero. He deserves to be in a home where he is loved and wanted and where he feels comfortable. It would not be fair to send him packing, to potentially bounce around in different foster homes or end up in a boy’s home. If I tell him he can only stay if he chooses adoption, then I’m putting conditions on my love. And I love him unconditionally. So, while it hurts, while I might not like or agree with it, if Primero chooses PLC then so be it. Still, it’s hard to accept this turn of events. My heart aches.

In other, less depressing news, Love Bug has 4 teeth now! He’s nine months old today and has finally started sitting up as of last week. He’s mobile now, scooting around pretty quickly. He hasn’t managed crawling yet, but he pushes up on his toes and wriggles himself forward like an inch worm. He just accomplished forward motion last week as well. Until that point, he could only go backwards and he’d get frustrated at not being able to move forward. He likes being in a standing position, if I hold him up, so I think he’s anxious to stand and walk. He looks so precious with his two top and two bottom teeth. I hope all his teeth don’t come in in twos! He was so crabby last week when his top teeth were pushing through. I know he was uncomfortable and his little gums even looked a little swollen. He had a check up on Monday with the same nurse practitioner he saw in the past and she was so surprised at how great he’s doing now, from where he had been. He’s in the 50^th percentile for his height and weight, which is way better than when he was a newbie. She was happy to see how bonded he is to me, stating it was a healthy attachment. She worried his reflux might morph into asthma, but only time will tell. She upped the dosage for his meds but hopes he won’t need it as his diet shifts to more solid foods. All in all, he’s doing very well. But, because he was so late in learning to sit up and because of his rough start, she recommended he get some Early Intervention. The provider should be calling me in the next two weeks to set up his first appointment and evaluation. The doctor said it’s better to get the Early Intervention now rather than wait until he’s in school and struggling and I agree. So, we’ll see how it goes.

As certain as I was before that she was, I’m fairly certain now that Love Bug and Chica Marie’s mom is not pregnant. The tummy I thought I saw on a few occasions seems to be gone, so I wonder if all that time she was missing visits because she was sick, was actually her dealing with a miscarriage? When I spoke to the grandma a few weeks ago, she hinted that bio mom was going through something difficult, and so it would fit. It’s a sad thing, but, and this is calloused to say, I’m sure it isn’t her final pregnancy. Love Bug did better at the last visit, although he was miserable the day before. I know it bugs the bio mom that he gets so excited to see me show up to get him at the visit. I know it also bugs her that Chica Marie calls me Mommy even in front of her. In fact, the other day she was standing next to me saying, “Mommy, Mommy” and I didn’t respond, thinking she was talking to bio mom until she said, “Oh, I mean Miss [My name].” Then I felt bad for ignoring her. And, the older sister called the little girl by the nickname I gave her for the first time in front of their mom. I try very hard to address the little girl by her full name in front of bio mom, but it does slip sometimes.

So, life goes on in this crazy world of mine. It’s not easy, it’s not without pain or sacrifice, but life does go on. Right now I’m just hanging on the for the ride.

Messy, Complicated Issues Galore

So, last night it felt like the dust settled enough for Primero and I to talk. I started by apologizing for pressuring him to call me something he’s not comfortable with and explained how I was ok with Ash when it seemed like that name would be temporary, but when I realized it would be what he calls me forever I wasn’t ok with it. I apologized for never telling him this before. I floated an idea his therapist mentioned, about coming up with a compromise name but he refused. He said that it would be “too weird” to give me a name that’s not Ash or Mom, so he will have to call me by my full name. He reiterated how his aunt was “like” a mom to him and he never called her mom (although, I hazard to guess he might have when he was young, since he was with her for so long). So, it’s an unresolved issue and we just let it drop to talk about the other issue.

 I let Primero know that I spoke with his therapist yesterday afternoon and that she helped me to see that perhaps he will never be able to have a true mother/son relationship with me as I see it – something resembling the solidified warm, close and loving relationship I have with my own mother. I asked him, if he decides he doesn’t want to be adopted, what were his plans. Well, he pretty much thought I could take Permanent Legal Custody of him, so his situation really wouldn’t change. I asked him how this would be different from adoption. Basically, he still has an issue in seeing how this would all play out in his future. He said he feels like he’s missing so much of his biological family’s experiences, like his sister’s birthday party this past weekend (which he wasn’t really invited to attend….. and none of his other siblings were there either, as far as I know). I asked how not being adopted would make that any different. He wouldn’t be living with any of his siblings, so how would the adoption cause him to “miss” things where PCL wouldn’t? Then he said with PLC he could be his own person when he turned 18, that he wouldn’t be mine anymore like he would with adoption. So, I asked him if that meant he would just leave when he is 18 and he kind of indicated that he would (keep in mind, he will most likely not graduate from high school until he’s 19). I said that I wouldn’t want that and frankly it’s not fair to me for him to spend 4 years with me and then disappear with maybe a text or note on Facebook every now and then. On the other hand, he said he could see both me and his bio mom in his future. I tried to explain that the ideal he has in his mind for his relationship with his mom might never come to fruition, that she might not be able to be what he wants her to be even in the future. I did not tell him what his case worker mentioned yesterday, that his bio mom was kicked out of housing and tested positive for drugs. I just couldn’t be the bearer of that bad news. Primero mentioned how he didn’t want to always have to worry about where he would spend the holidays, with his biological family or with mine. I said we made it work over Thanksgiving and Christmas and while it might not be exactly what he wants it still worked out for him to be with both families. I equated it to marriage – you have to spend time with your significant other’s family and yours, so it’s a balancing act. I tried to impress upon him that I am not taking anyone or anything away from him by wanting to adopt him. I’m trying to add to the loved ones he already has.

 So, I don’t know what more to do or to say. Is it wrong that I feel like PLC is him just using me for love, comfort and things until he’s 18? He doesn’t seem to feel any emotional responsibility or want any expectations placed on him, so it’s not really a relationship it’s me chasing him. At least, this is how I see it but I might not be able to see the forest for the trees. I told him I really didn’t know how I would answer the question about PLC and not adoption, that I really need to think about it and search my heart. In reality, I would hate to see him go. And I told him that and he reiterated that he doesn’t want to go anywhere. And that’s how we left this messy, complicated issue.

 One side note thing that was tossed into the ring of messiness that is our lives right now – Primero’s girlfriend is most likely pregnant. Let me explain. Right when Primero and the girlfriend got together she found out she was pregnant with her previous boyfriend’s baby. I expressed how I didn’t really want Primero dating this girl, since she had a lot going on and not making wise choices since this was her second “accidental” pregnancy with her previous boyfriend. Well, about 2 months after that Priemro told me his girlfriend had a miscarriage and so the issue was dropped. Last week she felt like her stomach had grown and was worried she was still pregnant although she was still getting her period and not feeling any movement (what on earth to they teach these kids in sex-ed???). Keep in mind, this girl has not told her parents she is sexually active nor has she told them she is dating Primero. She has a doctor’s appointment today, but took a pregnancy test a day ago and it was positive. Primero thought she could get a positive test if she was just sexually excited (which, apparently she is because she asked Primero when and how he’d like to lose his virginity – presumably with her……). I explained that the pregnancy test is not just detecting hormones but specific hormones that only a pregnant woman would have. Where do these kids get these crazy ideas? So, anyway his girlfriend is dealing with a lot and coming to him for comfort while he too is dealing with a lot and my head is spinning. Primero doesn’t want to break up with his girlfriend and believes their relationship can resume after the baby is born and adopted by the girlfriend’s aunt (apparently that is the plan but no one in this girls family knows she’s pregnant). He said, they have been together for 6 months now and he doesn’t want to give up because that’s his longest relationship with a girl. It’s strange how he can’t correlate his own mother giving permission for him to be adopted as the same action (and thus emotions) his girlfriend will be going through if she gives her baby to her aunt to be adopted…….

 I know I’ve commented about the girlfriend before, in relation to abortion and her irresponsibility in getting pregnant twice “accidentally.” I want to stay out of this situation, but there is one thing that is bugging me. The baby daddy (oh how I hate that term!) knew of the pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. He was saddened by the idea of abortion, although in no position to assume the role of fatherhood. Now, he is apparently moving to Puerto Rico (according to Primero) and is not aware of the latest development regarding his potential child. If he is listed at the father on the birth certificate he would have to give consent and relinquish his rights for the baby to be adopted by the girl’s aunt. But, if the girlfriend decides not to notify him of the birth or list him on the birth certificate this young man will be a father and never know about it. I personally hope someone who knows them both will open their mouths and tell him. What infuriates me is how little attention is given to the fathers in these situations. I know it is the girl’s body, I get that, but this baby is as much his as it is hers. Right now there is a pandemic of fatherless children because men can hit it and quit it and never even know they procreated. It’s the same for my sweet Love Bug – his paternity isn’t even known at this point. In the name of feminism, women totally sideline the men who father children but never parent them. And, in cases like this one with Primero’s girlfriend, the father isn’t even given an option to be involved or not. It’s pathetic, it’s disgusting, and all these fatherless children are the ones to suffer. Is it any wonder there are so many children damaged by trauma in the foster care system? Ok, I’ll get off my soapbox now……

 In an attempt to reach Primero, I sent a text message to his older sister. She responded by asking to see him. I didn’t coach her as to what she should say, I did mention that Primero is having trouble right now and is rejecting the adoption. I simply asked her to talk to him before he makes some irreparable decision that could truly hurt him and his future. She said she is for the adoption, she wants him to be adopted by me and she wanted to tell him that in person. She must have reached out to their older brother (not Hermano) because he text me and asked if he could spend some time with Primero this afternoon. I agreed and thanked him for offering to speak to Primero. I said I thought Primero would do better hearing from his siblings that they support him, they love him and will always be there for him but that they also want to see him make a wise decision for his future. His case worker did tell him that bio mom is using again. He asked if the positive drug test could be from her medications, but she tested positive for an illegal substance, so that’s not possible. I hope his siblings can reach him, I hope that in talking to them he can understand himself and what he truly wants to do right now. And I hope that I can stick this out and support whatever decision he makes. I want to be able to accept him as a PLC, but I just don’t know if I  can at this point. It’s truly painful to think that he would want nothing to do with me once there is no longer a legal obligation. I pray he can see reality and that he can see how good he has it (not to toot my own horn, but come on!). I am always here for him, I will always be here for him. I just hope he can believe that and accept that offer fully.   

My Resolve

I don’t even know if I can drag the story out of me at this time. I’m so tired and so hurt. I’m emotionally raw and just like a bad sunburn, it hurts simply to exist. There is a long story about what’s going on, but it all boils down to me having the audacity to want to be called Mom and not Ash. This core issue combined with disrespect, a dash of contempt, and a heaping of attachment dysfunction and well you have a recipe for disaster. I honestly don’t want to keep talking about it. It doesn’t feel like there is a resolution. I’m having the same heart pounding dreadful feeling I had just before Flaco walked out. I can’t let something go, I can’t acquiesce to someone else’s desire and so they will leave me. In this case, I can’t let go of the idea of being Primero’s mom and he flat out refuses to accept me in this position. It’s not just about the name, it’s about the position that is tied to the name. And in rejecting my name as Mom Primero is also rejecting me. We had a painful therapy session last night that ended without resolution. And we haven’t really spoken since. Primero admitted that bio mom and I are in a competition in his heart and pretty much conceded that he would leave to return to his bio family the second he turned 18 and has a choice in the matter. He called his bio mom the morning of the day her rights were being terminated to ask her opinion about calling me mom. Ouch! I have never, not ever, wavered on my decision to adopt him. I call him my son, I treat him as my son, I think of him as my son. But, he is once more thinking he might not want to be adopted because he thinks calling me mom is a requirement. I would settle for something other than Ash. He thinks giving me a nickname denotes bonding. I think it’s a way to hold me at arm’s length. After our fight Friday night, he wrote in a note that he felt our relationship was more of a friendship than anything else. Wow, did that hurt!

The rational side of me knows he is scared, knows he is testing me and this whole relationship because it’s frightening. He’s pushing to see if I will bail on him like everyone else has (his bio mom, his uncles, his previous foster home). But, the emotional side of me, that soft under-belly, is dying. I can’t sleep. I don’t want to eat. I cry at the drop of a hat. I look like hell and feel even worse. I want to be able to separate myself from the emotional so I can be rational and sane, but I just can’t seem to do that right now. My heart is shattered and I’m trying to shove the pieces back together again. We aren’t talking, we are just co-existing. Primero is glib about the whole thing, at least on the surface. What he’s thinking or feeling right now are a mystery to me.

I haven’t been very open in sharing with others about this situation because I don’t want to hear that I should give up on him, choose not to adopt him because he’s not treating me right at the moment. No one would ever suggest a mother give up on a biological child, why would I give up on the boy I call my son? I’ve said it a thousand times in the past few days – I’m not rescinding my commitment to adopt Primero. If he chooses to not be adopted, then that will be a decision made solely by him. I don’t give up easily and I won’t give up on him, not like all the other people in his life. If he’s testing me to make sure I won’t up and leave, that’s fine. Let him see my resolve. I’m a tough chick, I’ve been knocked down before and I managed to pull myself back up, so I certainly won’t stay down this time. I just hope and pray that we can get through this tough time and create a stronger bond in the process……  

Inconsequential

I didn’t want to make it a thing. But, yesterday while the county case worker was visiting Chica Marie was pesting Primero, she wanted a hug and since he wouldn’t give her one, she kept flinging herself on him trying to steal one. Primero became frustrated and called to me to stop her, using my full name, something he never does. He always calls me by my nickname. This morning, he brought it up, mentioning how strange it was that he used my full name and I guess I was feeling a little puckish because I asked him why he couldn’t or wouldn’t just call me “Mom.” I didn’t intend to get into it with him, but once the question passed my lips I could not stick my finger back in the dike. The damn broke and now all those feelings I’ve been trying to dispel have come rushing to the forefront. I thought maybe he was waiting until the finalization or some other line in the sand to begin calling me mom. But, when I mentioned it this morning I realized that he never plans on calling me mom. I will be my nickname for the rest of my life. A nickname I don’t even like I might add. I tried all my childhood to prevent people from using my nickname (it’s not like my name is Samantha and I’m opposed to being called Sam – my nickname isn’t even really a name). So, I really don’t want to be called by my nickname for the rest of my life. When I dropped Primero off at school I asked him to look deep inside himself to figure out why he could or would never call me mom.

I’ve held this in a long time and I was trying really hard to not let it out at all, to make it a thing, but now it is. To be quite frank, I feel like I’ve worked very hard to earn the title of mom. It’s not like I just spread my legs and popped out a baby! I’ve been through the ringer on my journey to motherhood. And I’ve had to give up on my dreams of how I wanted things to be in my life. It’s not an easy thing, let me tell you! Of course, I don’t tell this to Primero. I allude to my loss in this process and try to explain why it is important to me that he call me mom. He said to me this morning, the little ones will call me mom and that should be good enough. Ouch! He refers to me as his mom to most of his friends, but he still more often than not calls me his foster mom. In his phone I’m listed as A mom (a name I truly despise), meaning Adoptive mom. There’s always a qualifier. I don’t call him my foster son (or hardly ever unless I feel it is important for someone, like a doctor, to understand our current relationship) or my A son, I call him my son. I feel like his inability to call me mom is indicative of his feelings for me. He calls bio mom (I still haven’t come up with a name for her for the blog) “Mom” and I would never ask him to stop. He says he has two moms (which bugs me, honestly. Most biological mothers don’t have to share their children with another mother…..), but he doesn’t. He has a “Mom” and an “Ash.” I die a little inside every time he calls bio mom “Mom” and then turns around and calls me my nickname. Haven’t I proven myself as a mother? Am I lacking in some way?

I don’t get to name my children. I don’t get to revel in the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth; to feel the first kick and the pain of contractions, to watch my stomach grow and expand as my baby grows. I don’t have increment pictures of my ever-growing tummy, holding something to represent the size of my baby. I don’t get to choose my children’s prenatal care. I can’t breast feed my children. I wasn’t there when they took their first breath. For Primero and Chica Marie I didn’t watch them sit up for the first time, say their first word or take their first step. My children do not have my eyes, my smile or my thick calves. I didn’t have a baby shower, find a creative way to announce the impending arrival of my child, or reveal their gender with a cake. I have no ultra sounds, no memories of hearing the first heart-beat, and no pictures in the hospital or stamps of their tiny feet. For all these things that I’ve lost or missed out on, the one thing I thought I would have is the precious and beautiful title of MOM. And now, I need to learn to come to terms with forever being called a stupid, undesirable nickname by my first child. It just doesn’t seem fair, now does it?

I think Primero’s refusal to call me mom stems from his desire to not hurt bio mom (which, I’ve been calling her by her name lately and that is all I’m going to call her – I used to refer to her as his mom, but I’m done with that now. I’ll call her bio mom or her name) or alienate her in any way. I’m not asking him to alienate her or to stop calling her mom. But, why don’t I get the same respect? He made mention of his younger sister stating something about calling bio mom “Mom” and I guess the other piece to this is that he doesn’t want his siblings to treat him any differently and he fears they will if he calls me “Mom.” I’ve thought about reaching out to his siblings to address this, but I can’t think of a way to do it without seeming petty. I think I’m going to ask Primero to stop using my nickname. If he’s not going to call me mom, I would rather he use my full, proper name. I like it much better than my nickname. I strive to have people call me by my full name and not use my nickname and reserve that right for family or close friends. My father hardly ever uses my nickname, he knows it bugs me. My mom and sister are the biggest culprits. But, I digress. The point is, I want Primero to call me “Mom” and if that can’t happen then the least that could happen is for him to use the name I prefer over the nickname I don’t like.

Sometimes I wonder if the losses will ever stop. If there will ever come a point in time where the losses don’t mean anything anymore. Right now I’m learning to come to terms with forever being one of two moms – for having to make it a point to get to know and involve two families in my life forevermore. Because I want to do what is right for my children, I can’t just walk away from their biological families and insulate us all on our own. I can seethe on the inside at his bio mom blowing us off yet posting on Facebook how great it was to spend time with two of her other children (one being Hermano). But, I cannot speak poorly of her to him or within earshot of him (even if what I am saying is true!). And I cannot choose to just ignore her presence, like it or not she is forever a part of my life because of him. And it will be the same for Chica Marie and Love Bug as well. On the relative safety of my blog I can admit this is not something I’m excited about. It’s not something I would like to do, but I realize how important it is for my children. It’s like going to the dentist. I want a healthy smile so twice a year I drag myself, rather unwillingly, to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned and checked. I don’t like it, but I do it. And, so this is how I view creating a relationship with the families of the kids I’m adopting. I guess it might not be the best attitude to have and hopefully it will improve as I get to know the families better, but this is how things stand right now.

In so much of the adoption experience, I feel like the child and bio families feelings must be held in consideration, but the feelings of the adoptive family are lesser somehow. I guess, the adoptive family is seen as the victor and so our desires must take a backseat to those of the defeated. I try to always keep my focus on the children and do what is best for them. It’s just sometimes hard to squelch the feelings I have in order to do the things required of me. I feel like its all give, give, give and I’m not allowed to even ask to take – not a thing. He won’t have my last name, he won’t call me mom, what on earth is the purpose of this adoption, I ask? I’m hurt. I’m trying to not lash out in my pain, but I think I’m failing miserably. Never did I imagine all of these issues when I thought of adoption. I didn’t think it would be easy, but I never thought I would feel so inconsequential in the whole deal. My hopes, my dreams, my desires all seemed to stop when I “got” a child to adopt. Now, it’s back to being an unfeeling robot nanny – do things for the sake of others and forget about how you might feel about it.

I’m making too much of it all. I’ll piss and whine here and then pull up those old tired big girl panties and get on with it. I’ll get over myself, plaster that smile on my face and roll with the punches. My feelings may be irrelevant, but I still have a job to do, so I’ll put one foot in front of the other and move on.  

Chica Marie and Love Bug

Since it seems like the two little ones will be sticking around for a while, I think they should be given names. Thus far I’ve been using names in Spanish, but those names fit for each particular character. I think, for the little girl and her baby brother, I will use the nicknames that I call them. I call the little girl Chickadee or Chica Marie and the baby I call Bubbas or Love Bug. So, for this blog, the little girl will be Chica Marie and the baby will be Love Bug. I’ve also been thinking about giving the bio moms names since they too will be part of our lives in some capacity. Oddly enough, both of their names begin with the letter V, so using the first initial of their names won’t work. I think I will have to think about this a little longer, until some brain cells regain their mojo. Dear Love Bug has not been sleeping well with his two upper teeth sawing their way through his gums. Thus, I have not been sleeping well since teething apparently means he must be in my arms 24/7 or he howls. This reminds me of his first few months (yes, MONTHS) home when he would only sleep fitfully if not in my arms. He has always been a rather demanding baby. But, his smile melts my heart and he’s started giving little hugs on my shoulder that make everything, every last restless night worth it