Hard to Untangle

Sometimes it’s hard to untangle life, it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. Last Thursday I got a call from the woman who has been raising Primero’s older sister, the one who has come to stay with us on a few occasions. It was a long, difficult conversation. The impetus for her call was mostly because she believed the sister was spreading misleading and damaging rumors about her and she wanted to be sure I heard her side. She started off the conversation by telling me she didn’t want Primero to hear what we were saying. He never left my side the entire time we were talking, except to keep the baby quiet. In the hour plus that we spoke, this woman, who considers herself their aunt, did not say one nice thing about the sister. She called her a money grubbing, gold digging, lying, manipulative, slut. This woman lied to make herself out to be a victim. I asked her how I could help and she asked me to see if there are any services that she could use for the sister. I spoke with two case workers about her situation and one said it sounded like the girl was being verbally abused. She is 18 but still needs to complete her final year of high school and I don’t think she is emotionally ready to be living on her own. The case worker suggested she could sign herself into foster care, thus removing herself from her current home. Primero wants her to move in with us and given how insane things seem to be for her, I consented stating we would worry about the legalities after the fact – sort of like asking for forgiveness rather than permission. My heart breaks for this girl and she sent Primero a picture of her arm full of hundreds of nasty red slashes because she had repeatedly sliced herself with something. Her phone had been taken from her, so we were unable to hear her side of the story. When she was finally able to call, she sounded so broken it took everything I had not to pile the kids in the van and go get her away from the mess. This is hard because I want to help and I care about this girl simply because she is family through Primero. But, I also don’t want to start a war with the “aunt” (she is a friend of their mom’s whom they all once lived with so they call her their aunt) and I don’t want to over-step my boundaries. I feel like this is Hermano all over again with the only difference being this girl is not in foster care and is legally an adult. And I don’t really know what to do or how to help or if I should just worry about us and not get involved.

Saturday we will have Chica Marie and Love Bug’s older sister visiting with us, beginning the bi-weekly sibling visits. It’s convenient that she is back in town again, although I don’t know for how long. I’m sure she will be excited for the visit and I hope she will behave the entire time. We plan on going swimming to give her an activity rather than just sitting around the house. The foster mother and I decided we would take turns hosting the visits, although I’m not sure that she would be keeping Love Bug, probably just Chica Marie. I guess we will see.

Nothing New at Court

So the little ones had court yesterday for a permanency hearing. What a mess! This was the first time I’ve been to court with them and not gone before the judge, instead the hearing was before the magistrate as most other CYS cases. The county case worker gave testimony of bio mom not attending scheduled meetings or coming an hour late and not following up. The magistrate discussed all the things that needed to be completed before reunification could be considered and how little to nothing had been done. I had to interject at one point about paperwork not being signed for Chica Marie to attend therapy. The bio mom’s lawyer focused more on the dysfunction of the system and the lack of knowledge the new county case worker seemed to have, versus the issues of the bio mom not completed the mandated things she needed to do. There was heated discussion regarding why Love Bug wasn’t having visits when there was no professional, therapeutic evidence that he was being traumatized, as the case worker indicated. Never mind the persistent documentation by the case workers who facilitated the visits, stating how the baby, even at a young age, would howl nearly the entire duration of the visit. I wanted to recommend they put the bio mom and baby in a room together and see for themselves how he reacts. The lawyer wanted to know where the baby’s trauma came from, sort of trying to imply that it must come from his current setting, meaning my home, and not the visits. Or from the fact that he was “ripped away from his mother right after being born.” In the end, nothing was really decided, other than that another permanency meeting would take place in December. Visits were not reinstated. The bio mom was supposed to take a urine sample immediately after the court hearing and also sign the release for the therapy. The CHOR case worker said she overheard the mom telling her lawyer she couldn’t take a urine test that day because of certain medication she was taking. To me, she looked high. I also suspect she might be expecting again. She was wearing a dress with an empire waist, so any small bump would be hidden, but I caught her rubbing her stomach and noticed it seemed distended. I am most likely reading into things, but honestly, nothing would surprise me.

As we were walking into the services center yesterday for court, the bio mom called out from  behind us and so we walked in together and rode the elevator to the 11^th floor. She gave Chica Marie junk food and tried to hold Love Bug before her lawyer arrived and called her away. At that point I was ushered back into the playroom where the older sister was waiting. She was so happy to see Chica Marie and Love Bug, she picked Chica Marie up and carried her around the room. There was a case worker or assistant (she never introduced herself) who wanted to take pictures of the kids, who were not cooperating. The sister wanted desperately to hold Love Bug and got upset when he would react by clinging to me and crying when she tried. “He doesn’t know me anymore,” she lamented and then began to cry. I felt so bad for her, knowing she had been moved again. I asked if I could give her a hug and told her I had some things in the car to give her from the birthday party. I said we would like to have her come visit whenever that became possible then gave her a tissue and was called off to court. I discovered, during the proceedings that the sister had made allegations against her foster family and so was removed. She told me she is living back in town again, rather than 45 minutes away as before. I also discovered that the girls came into care in January of 2014. It was mentioned that they have been in care for over 15 of the last 18 months and that a petition was filed to terminate parental rights.

So, it was an insane morning, followed by a crazy afternoon at work and helping Primero deal with issues at his summer camp plus getting braces. I’m really looking forward to the weekend and hopefully some rest and relaxation!

Need a Breather

Primero and I had another fight this morning. During it he compared me to both his biological mother and father and it cut me very deeply. He accused me of not being affectionate with him. I accused him of not caring about anything or anyone but himself. And, now that I reflect on the whole thing, I feel like the worst parental caregiver on the planet. I hate these moments. I hate that these stupid things keep coming up and I hate how I handle everything. I’m fairly certain I am doing it all wrong and messing everything up. I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve these kids and even more sure that I need a little break, which will be next to impossible to get because respite is such a premium these days. But, I really do need a breather.

I found out yesterday, from a family worker at CHOR who comes to visit Chica Marie to work on completing her child prep and profile, that the older sister was moved to a different foster home. I was appalled, given how gung-ho the foster family was at court just a few short weeks ago. They had been so in love with this child, so amazed at how differently she was acting and how wonderfully she was fitting into their home and life. And *poof* it’s all over and that poor child is once again bouncing around foster homes. She was moved just last week but the family worker said she thinks the girl’s current foster home is just a temporary stop until she is moved yet again when the county case worker is back from vacation. I mentioned to the family worker how surprised I was, given their attitude the last time I saw them, and she said she didn’t really know what transpired but had heard the girl was talking about boyfriends and some inappropriate relationship things. I have no idea what this means, but I feel bad for the child who is now in her 6^th foster home since being in care less than 18 months. I now wonder if they will reconsider the grandmother as a placement for this girl?

Finalization Paperwork

Primero is starting summer school this week. He needs to pass Math and English in order to pass onto the 9^th grade. He knows this and he desperately wants to move onto high school, but he seems rather unmotivated to do the work. This is an on-going issue for him, one that has been an ingrained habit since long before we met. I need to find a way to be more proactive and helpful in getting him to complete the assignments. Mostly, I am looking at moving him back into a traditional school rather than keeping him in cyber school because he needs the personal attention of a teacher, not the impersonal attention of an online tutor. The school I want to enroll him in only starts at 9^th grade, so he would need to pass to get in. It might be a long summer for us!

We found out last week that our beloved CHOR case worker is leaving the end of this month. Primero is besides himself because she has been with him from the moment he came into foster care and has been his greatest  champion for over 2 years now. She is moving to Florida, so it’s not like she is taking another job but will still be in the area. She promised to be friends with Primero on Facebook and she will be keeping her cell phone number and is fine with him calling or texting if he needs/wants, which I think is great. He has a connection to her and I hope they can keep in touch and Primero can continue to get the support he feels from her. When she was out at our house last week she mentioned that CHOR has been interviewing new case workers and that we would most likely get assigned to the new worker. I balked at this, stating I had worked with a new case worker two years ago and felt so unsupported and discontent. I expressed my reluctance in “breaking-in” another new worker and both Primero and I asked if we could be transferred to the case worker who had been assigned to Love Bug for most of last year. I said it made the most sense, since she knew the story with at least 2 of the 3 kids and Primero just likes talking to her. Our case worker has little control over who is assigned to us, but she did say she would mention our request to her supervisor. She also said she would very much like to attend Primero’s adoption ceremony and will do all in her power to be there, even if it means coming back to the area from Florida (she did say she anticipates making several trips, so one of those trips could be planned to coincide with the adoption finalization).

So, that is the other piece of news she brought to us. Primero’s finalization paperwork has finally been sent to CHOR and she believes his adoption could be made final in the next month or so. I asked her about updating my clearances and medical information, but she didn’t think it was necessary. I hope not, because that could hold up the process. She said she wasn’t sure who would be assigned to manage the case, but that they should be in touch soon. His county case worker has still not come out to visit us and hasn’t really responded after I told her our availability. The adoption supervisor called me to set up a time to come out next Thursday for her first home visit and safety check. This means a massive house cleaning to prepare for her visit.

The other thing our case worker said we need to consider is his therapy and if it should continue. The case worker seemed to think it could stop and Primero is anxious to stop going to therapy. I feel somewhat hesitant to totally stop all therapy just because I’m sure there is plenty for us to continue working on and I fear being cut loose to navigate this transition alone. I guess that’s silly, but the second half of our year together was so rocky and we just weren’t communicating in the best fashion. I shudder to think how we would have overcome it all without having a third party to air our grievances with. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like we still have unresolved issues that resurface from time to time. I guess some things just might never be resolved and I just have to find a way to be ok with that. At this point, his mother is not in the picture while she is in rehab, but I am sure there will be a day sometime soon when she will pop back into our lives and all those feelings he’s never really dealt with will come rushing back. Our comingled insecurities just feed off of one another and we can’t seem to stop it. I know he has state provided insurance and so we could always find a new therapist, but I think being in a crisis and seeking therapy isn’t always the best way to manage these issues. I am still seeing my therapist, but it’s hard right now because work is crazy stressful and I can’t always get away to see my therapist. I guess we will just have to figure things out as we go along and hope for the best.    

A Year of Blessings

Today is one of those days that I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing on this same date a year ago. That’s because last year on June 30^th, I picked baby Love Bug up from the hospital. I remember waking up and taking Primero to his summer camp. I was so nervous because I had not heard anything from CHOR all weekend long. This situation was so similar to what I experienced with the Christmas Miracle baby that it had my stomach in knots. I spent the weekend doubting my decision to not attend the girls weekend with my sister, mom and aunt. I reluctantly dug out the bassinet, the car seat and the newborn baby clothes as I had done before. I tried to relax and not think about it too much like I had in the previous failed placement. I had been unable to sleep that weekend, my mind kept floating off to cloud nine in blissful ignorance of what was to come. This time, I was a little more grounded and a lot more nervous. I began pacing after I folded the second load of baby clothes and receiving blankets. I had decided I would wait until noon and then call CHOR for an up-date. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait that long. My first call came around 10:30. It was from a new social worker calling to introduce herself to me and explain she would be the baby’s case worker. I asked her for an update and she said she didn’t know but would ask the in-day supervisor to call me. A flurry of phone calls later and I was instructed to go to the hospital alone and to keep my presence on the down-low since the mom was still there.

It took me a while to find the maternity ward, but when I finally arrived, the nursing staff was expecting me. They quietly ushered me into an empty room to watch videos about SIDS, shaken baby syndrome, car seat safety, and what type of testing the hospital performed on babies before they were released. I didn’t want to sit and wait, I wanted to see the baby. I managed to keep mostly still as the nurses forgot about me between videos. Alone in the quiet room, I thought about what it might be like being a patient, a new mom trying to recuperate from giving birth. I thought about the anguish the baby’s mom would feel, leaving the hospital without her baby. After what felt like an eternity, the county case worker came into the room with her supervisor. They let me know the baby was expected in court in two days and said they were going to tell the mom they were taking her baby. Not long after they left the room a nice older nurse came in pushing a plastic baby bassinet in front of her. “Here he is,” she announced quietly. She gave me some information about the baby and then watched me dress him. My hands were shaking as I nervously and gently pushed his arms and legs into the outfit I carefully chose for him. He was so tiny with a head of dark hair. He didn’t open his eyes as I dressed him, but squawked in protest as I tried to thread his tiny hand through the sleeve. After he was dressed the nurse helped me adjust the car seat straps and then said she would come back with an escort for me. The staff and case workers were nervous his mom would get aggressive if she saw me leaving with him. Again, my heart ached for her, but the overwhelming joy I felt washed away those feelings.

I remember how surreal everything felt that morning. I was jittery, like I was on a caffeine high, unable to sit still at home or waiting in the hospital. Walking into the hospital with an empty car seat, I felt so conspicuous and rather odd. Most people go to the hospital to have a baby, not get a baby. But, this distinction was not on my mind as much as the thought that it was really happening this time. I was actually on the maternity ward waiting for a baby to be placed in my arms. Watching the videos and just sitting around made the wait nearly unbearable. At one point a nurse brought in a goodie bag with formula a t-shirt from the hospital, a blanket, comb, samples of lotion and baby shampoo and tons of coupons. Knowing the situation, she even snuck an extra formula into the bag for me. I remember texting some friends that I was anxiously waiting and how impatient I was to actually see the baby. I wished they had brought him in so I could snuggle him while I watched the videos. Until the baby was in the room, it all felt so unreal. I paced the room, peeked out the window and tried to contain my nervous energy. Then things happened all at once. The case workers arrived and talked to be briefly. The doctor came in to review a few things about caring for the baby and to tell me about his first doctor’s appointment. And then finally, the nurse brought him in the room. I held my breath as she wheeled him over to me. He was wrapped tightly in two blankets, just his little face and head peeking out. His eyes were shut tightly. The nurse began emptying the contents of the drawers beneath the bassinet into my diaper bag. She handed me his hat and said I should dress him. I was almost dumbstruck, staring in awe at this tiny little life they were entrusting to my care. I didn’t want to dress him I wanted to embrace him, to sweep him into my arms and snuggle him into my heart. But, I dutifully followed directions. I was awkward with the baby and afraid the nurse would sense my unease and tell the case workers to change their minds. I talked softly to the baby explaining I was getting him dressed and we would soon leave. The nurse left the room once I had him dressed and I had a brief moment to kiss his cheek before she returned and helped me bundle him into the car seat. Then we were off. It was a long walk with the security guard because I parked on the wrong side of the hospital. And I was thankful for the escort because I don’t think I would have found my way back out of the hospital. I was almost dizzy with emotions. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening.  

I thought how odd it was that I was leaving the hospital with an escort for the second time in two months (the baby I had for a weekend I also picked up at a different hospital and there were concerns about his parents being aggressive). I strapped the sleeping baby in the back of the car and then sat still for a moment to really take in what was happening. “It’s just you and me now, buddy,” I said as I put the car in gear and drove the short distance home. I couldn’t wait to get home and hold the baby. I struggled with myself about waking him, but my arms were nearly twitching to hold him so I carefully slipped him out of the car seat and nuzzled him under my chin. He was so tiny! And so perfect. I spent the afternoon just holding him and staring at his beautiful features. I literally pinched myself twice to be sure I wasn’t dreaming. I let my family and close friends know he was home with me. I remember how slow I was at everything with him, my movements methodical and careful like I was dealing with a doll made of tissue paper. Eventually I became more comfortable with manipulating the baby, but at first I was overly cautious. I probably did hold him too much, as a friend accused me, and spoiled him a little bit, but I simply couldn’t help myself. I had dreamed so long of having a baby, of holding such a precious gift, that it was hard to put him down. I also found that at first, he wouldn’t sleep unless I was holding him. I often think back to the very beginning and still can’t believe it happened. And I can’t believe Love Bug has been with me for his entire first year of life.

I was home from work for two weeks with Love Bug before I had to return to the daily grind. I was exhausted and struggled to stay awake most of the time because he was (and still is) such a terrible sleeper. I feel like the first 3-4 months were just a fuzzy blur because I was getting such little sleep. It’s really hard to believe that it was a year ago that I met Love Bug. It’s even harder to believe that he’s still here, still the sweet baby boy that I’ve been so blessed to be raising and loving. I’m the only woman he’s really known as his mom, I’m his primary care giver, the one he seeks when he needs comfort. He is the most adorable baby, with big bright eyes, soft messy curls, and a smile that makes me grin from ear to ear. His giggle is pure joy, his baby babble melodic and sweet. He loves being the center of attention at home, with Primero and Chica Marie fawning over him. I try very hard not to call him mine but he is – he’s my baby. He’s a momma’s boy through and through. And I love him with every fiber of my being. My sweet baby Love Bug.

First Birthday

It is so hard to believe that my precious Love Bug is one year old! This year has just flown by in the blink of an eye! It has been the most amazing journey to be with Love Bug since the beginning, to watch him grow and learn has been the greatest blessing of my life. I love watching Love Bug reach new milestones and accomplish new things, it is such a joy and one I’m so grateful to have. Sometimes I feel like it’s Love Bug who is the glue to our family, sticking us together because we all dote on him as the baby. He’s crawling like a champ and getting into so many things. He loves power cords and so we’ve become rather creative in hiding them from him. He also really likes to chew on shoes. He crawls into my bedroom and opens my dresser drawers but hasn’t yet opened the drawers in the kitchen. I have the hardest time keeping him from chewing on the dog food or splashing in her water bowl. Love Bug also really enjoys Primero’s cat, Harmony. Often times he will be sitting on the floor and she’ll rub up against him or swish her tail across his head. Thus far, they’ve been very gentle with one another and he gently taps her on the head or tries to grab her tail and eat it. Love Bug has also discovered the dog is very interesting, especially her feet and face whiskers. Canela is very leery of him, but has been tolerating his gentle probing of her toes and facial hair. Love Bug tries every chance he gets to put his sister’s hair in his mouth. Her poufy curls must look delectable to him. Primero is probably Love Bug’s favorite. I have so many pictures of them cuddling together or of Love  Bug reaching up to grab Primero’s face. Their relationship always warms my heart. I wish I could share pictures of Love Bug because he’s just the most beautiful child, with long thick black eyelashes and soft pouty lips. He has crazy hair that stands up in the hair ala Einstein, but it is so soft and curly I simply love it. I hope his hair stays this soft. If course, he will hate his curls as he gets older but they are so endearing. I should think about giving him his first haircut to give those curls some shape, but right now I can’t imagine losing those beautiful ringlets. Love Bug still only has 6 teeth that he got all at once between 6-8 months. Unfortunately, he already has a biting problem, which is something I want to curtail before it gets too out-of-hand. Right now I tell him “NO!” and he laughs at me then puts his mouth back over me, daring me to tell him no again. He has bitten me on a few occasions. The first time he bit my breast and I almost flung him on the floor. He bit my breast a second time and also he’s bitten my arm and given me a black and blue mark from it. I was not pleased. Love Bug still calms down when Primero plays music, especially when he plays Fall Out Boy or any rock music. Love Bug is all about the rock music! His smile melts my heart and his giggle makes me beam with delight. I love this baby with all my heart and I pray that we have many, many more birthday’s and milestones to celebrate together as a family. Happy first birthday Love Bug!   

Pirate Party

We had Love Bug’s first birthday party on Saturday. It was exhausting and stressful. Primero was an incredible help both the night before and during the party. Unfortunately, Love Bug was still sick and not in the mood for much partying. He howled anytime anyone but me tried to hold him. His grandmother was there with his aunt and cousin who is just a few months older than him. His former baby-sitter came with her girls, her mother and adult daughter. My aunt and uncle were there and my mom, but not my dad because he was working at the market. The owners of his current daycare were there as well as another friend from work and my former college roommate and her baby. And my close friend, who helped get some of the food in order and set up was also there. So, it was a small party, but it was nice. I just wish I hadn’t been so stressed out about it that I could enjoy the party more. I forgot I had wanted to bring his baby book along for everyone to sign as a keepsake and I’m so so so bummed about that. I’m thinking of carting it around with me to get signatures of everyone who was there. I made a pirate ship out of a watermelon and added other fruit for a fruit salad. I cut hotdogs and boiled them to make octopus’ which everyone seemed to enjoy. My mom made chicken salad and I made egg salad which I put on small croissants for little sandwiches. I made a veggie pizza from my friend’s recipe. She makes it for all her shindigs and I always love it. I also made ham and veggie wraps and cut them into pinwheel pieces. We had chips, pretzels, goldfish, cheese, and pickles. I bought bottled water and wanted to make punch in these cute glass serving containers only I filled them with ice which clogged the spout and then it began to leak. Primero and his friend led the games for the children. We had pin the eye patch on the pirate, pirate themed tattoos, and a treasure chest piñata. We arrived late at the party, luckily my mom was the only one on time. On our way to the venue I realized I forgot the baby’s diaper bag with, among other important things, his special pirate onsie and pirate leggings I bought off of Etsy. So, after Primero and his friend helped me unload the van, I ran back home to grab the diaper bag and get back to the party. I had no hand in helping to set up the decorations or anything. I ate a few bites of food but couldn’t finish anything because Love Bug was glued to my side and screamed if I tried to pry him off of me even for a brief moment. By the time the party was over and we stuffed all the left-over food into the refrigerator, I was ready for bed. If I had to do it again, I would certainly try the less is more approach and not have quite as much going on or enlist more help in food preparation.

Friday afternoon was court for the little ones. I expected it to be long and messy, since that’s how it was the last time. Instead, it seemed like things were more organized. When we got there we were ushered into a back play room for the kids. The county case worker didn’t want them to see their mom at all, so the plan was for an intern to baby-sit while the adults were in court. If the judge wanted to see the children another case worker would bring them into the court room from a back entrance. We waited in the playroom for about an hour until we were called into court. During that time I chatted a bit with the sister’s foster family. They raved about how different she was without the visits and how much they loved her now. Despite being given an invitation weeks prior, they forgot about Love Bug’s party and had made other plans. I was so bummed and so was his sister. We were instructed to get the children together once a month on our own, assuming they would not be seeing one another at visits. We filed into court and their mom was already seated at the table. She did not turn around to look at us. Since the judge was not in the court room the mom’s attorney, the county’s attorney, the county case worker, the GAL, and some other random person all went into a room behind the courtroom to talk. I had more hushed conversations with the sister’s foster mom. I don’t know how to explain it, there is something about her sudden change in attitude towards the sister that seems wonky to me. I feel like this is the first time I’ve ever heard her speak positively about the child. After about 20 minutes, the group came back into the courtroom and about 10 minutes after that the judge showed up and started the court session. Before anything got started the mom’s attorney asked for a side bar and the whole group including the judge traipsed back into the back room for another 15 minutes. When they came back out the judge asked the county attorney to state the purpose of the court session and then recognized that the bio mom had agreed to have the visits suspended and that she would begin doing the things the county has asked her to do in order to get her kids back. Court was then adjourned.

Love Bug’s mom had gotten him a toy car that he can sit on and it plays lots of songs and talks (I still haven’t completely assembled it) for his birthday. The county case worker gave it to me and the CHOR case worker covering the court hearing (our normal case worker was out on vacation) helped me carry it to the car. Saturday I got a letter stating we have a permanency hearing the second week in July. I feel like last summer we went a long time with no court hearings (because mom and her lawyer kept getting them pushed back to get her a more favorable psych evaluation) and now we seem to be having them constantly, one in May, one in June, now one in July. I don’t know what will be discussed at the permanency hearing or if it will just be the same rehashing of the same things ad nauseam. Love Bug will officially turn one on Saturday and next Tuesday he will have lived with me for a year. I feel like it’s time for things to start happening rather than letting him and his sisters languish in the system. We shall see.

It was nice to see the kids grandmother at the birthday party. She was thankful to be invited and to participate. She said she has been working a lot of overtime and not been able to make time for visits. She indicated she was still trying to get the older sister moved in with her. She also indicated that the kids mom had recently been in jail because she helped transport her once she got released. The grandmother was happy to know that Love Bug and Chica Marie have been doing well. I told her about court the day before and when I said I felt bad for their mom she stopped me. “It’s all about what’s best for the kids.” She reminded me. There is certainly a sadness in her voice when she talks about her daughter. But, she wants to be sure her grandchildren are taken care of first and foremost. I can certainly respect that. I hope she will stay a presence in the children’s lives because I think she is a good link to have to their older siblings and a better understanding of their past.