Sweet 16 Surprise

We held a surprise birthday party for Primero on Saturday. He turned 16 (OMG!!! 16!!!!) and so his sister and I and one of his close friends planned this surprise party, which was pretty successful if I don’t say so myself. We used a black and white theme, I made tons of decorations from tissue paper (thanks Pinterest!), I made 4 different bacon appetizers (because he LOVES bacon – and he didn’t eat a one at the party because he was too busy socializing), we had a cake, dancing, the whole nine yards. My parents came for a little but had to leave for my dad to make some gear box part for a company (one of his many odd jobs). I was glad they came because I was worried they wouldn’t. I don’t know why, my parents so rarely let me down I should really give them more credit for how awesome they are. I even had a chance to talk to Primero’s girlfriend at the party. We so seldom interact that I wanted to use this opportunity to try to turn over a new leaf and start disliking her a lot less. She sure doesn’t make it easy! Our conversation was good and I felt like it was a turning point into hopefully something of mutual respect that could blossom into a true relationship. But, then there was the “after party.” I rented the hall where Primero attends the after school programs, so his friend who works there helped me out with the cleanup and whatnot. We were supposed to be out by 8:30 because that is how long I had rented the hall. It was nearly 9 by the time we were leaving. A bunch of kids, including the girl who was responsible for cleaning up and locking up, were still there. I should have insisted they leave before we did but I was exhausted, the babies were tired and my friend (who is 72 years old) was wiped out. We needed to go rest. So, we left. I believed the girl (she is 18 almost 19) would do the responsible thing, chase the kids away, maybe have one or two to stay and help her, then lock up and head home. Um, no. They stayed and enjoyed lap dances that they recorded and put on Snapchat for the world to see. And this included Primero’s girlfriend (see, not making it easy for me to like her!!!). And these children act as if a lap dance is some innocent thing, since body parts were not skin-to-skin touching. Lord what is wrong with this world??? I’m so angry about this, about how their dirty little minds have corrupted Primero’s birthday party and made their “after party” the talk of the town, rubbing it in Primero’s face. I’m angry how the girlfriend not only tried to hide her actions (she lied through omission) but how she doesn’t think it’s a big deal after she punched a boy at the party for kissing Primero’s neck while they were dancing (yeah, not great – I swear these kids need to be hosed down with some cold water!). Hello pot, this is the kettle, YOU’RE BLACK! I told Primero I want to contact each and every one of these miscreants and tell them just how horrid they are and what terrible friends (girlfriend) they are and then I want to tell their mothers. I mean, I get that teenagers are hormonal and horny, but this is ridiculous! They need to get a life, find a hobby, take a cold shower, SOMETHING! Seriously, who does this? I’m most disappointed in the older girl, the one who was there working, because I sincerely thought she would have controlled the situation better, not let all the kids engage in some lude after party antics. I really have half a mind to contact the administrator about it but I fear this would cause a permanent rift in many relationships for Primero. And, I really hate how crappy this all has made him feel. His memories of his 16^th birthday party have been tarnished because his friends are animals unable to control themselves. Can you tell this has me irritated?!

In other news, Primero told me last night he spoke with his mother and she wants to see him. That’s how he told me, not he wants to visit her, but she wants to see him. Apparently, she asked to see him on his birthday but he told her we already had plans, which we did. So, I asked him what he had in mind for this visit and gave him different scenarios. First of all, his mother is about 40 minutes away in another city, so we would need to consider transportation. I asked if he would like to just have me drop him off and then come back for him at a designated time. He nixed that idea. So, I asked if he would want it to be just him with me or if he would want the little ones there as well. This matters mostly because if the little ones have to go to respite I would need to coordinate that before we could plan the visit. I asked what he thought we could do, the weather might not be nice enough to go to a park and hang out, so maybe a local coffee shop? If the little ones are along, it might be more difficult to find a comfortable place to hang out. Then I stuck my foot in it and asked if he wanted her to come to our place. I don’t even know why I said that because I don’t see it as a viable option. But, he seemed to latch onto this idea, thinking it would be great to show her his room and hang out. This is my least favorite option for several reasons. One, it would mean driving 40 minutes to pick her up, then 40 minutes back home only to repeat the process after the visit. Two, it would mean massive cleaning needs to happen and three, I hate feeling uncomfortable in my own home and that is very likely to happen. So, Primero will talk to her about what they want to do for this visit and we will take it from there. I’m not looking forward to it, especially if he decides he wants it to be just the three of us – yikes!

By the Numbers

The county case worker emailed me this morning asking if I knew where things were at in the adoption process for Primero. I responded that the CHOR adoption case worker had been over last week and quoted the end of November as the expected date to be submitting the file to the adoption attorney and waiting for the finalization date. The county case worker responded that she was going to reach out to the CHOR adoption case worker to see if this could be expedited at all so we would not have to attend the next permanency hearing in January. My heart leapt at this news, flaming the hope that his adoption would be finalized before the end of the year. I wrote back that we were both anxious for the adoption to be completed. By his birthday, Primero will have lived with me for 617 days, 14,808 hours. And of that time, 549 days and 13,176 hours have been spent waiting for this adoption. If he is adopted by the end of the year, he will have spent 913 days in the foster care system and 603 days waiting for adoption. If he isn’t adopted by the end of March (which I’m hoping is highly unlikely) he will spend 1,000 days in the foster care system with 758 of those days being in my home. I don’t know why I spent time figuring that all out, other than the fact that numbers speak to people, so there it is. I’m hoping the county case worker can nudge the case to move along a bit faster and that we can finalize his adoption before Christmas. I don’t know if that’s realistic, but that is my hope.

The Why

Last week the CHOR adoption case worker came over to update my family profile and complete any odds and ends regarding the adoption application. She asked first about my name change and divorce. She asked why I (suddenly) decided to change my last name back to my maiden name. I explained that it wasn’t a sudden change, it was just that the divorce had finally happened and so I was legally able to change my name back, rather than continue to use his last name. She asked if the divorce represented a loss to me. Really? How could it not represent a loss, unless I never loved my ex to begin with….. But, I did love him and so yes, it was a loss. Then she asked how it was a loss. Seriously? I know she was just doing her job and all, but it was kinda crazy. The divorce was a loss of my marriage, a loss of love and trust, and a loss of the man I had fallen in love with. I was glad to move on from that topic. I didn’t find it painful to talk about it, I found it was annoying. Luckily, we moved on after my answer on how divorce was a loss to me.

She asked some other generic questions until she got to the big one – why did I decide to adopt Primero when I was so adamant about adopting a younger child? She said it was something “they” would want to know – whoever “they” are…. While I understand why they would question this, I also felt a bit like they were looking the gift horse in the mouth. From all reports by case workers and other CHOR staff, Primero and I were bonded and accepting of one another, just like a family. Why question the why when there’s never been a reason to before? Maybe this is something the county would want to know, since they are mostly out-of-the-loop when it comes to interpersonal understanding. So, I told her the story, similar to the one I expressed here and I elaborated on the whole turmoil I felt about keeping him as a foster care placement after the horrendous planning meeting and how I had no peace about the situation until we had a plan. It does me good to remember this story because it reminds me of just how special Primero is and I know it will help us get through these trying teenage years. The CHOR adoption case worker said it was a good story, and said that everyone at CHOR thinks I’m a rock star. I’m not, for the record. I think this blog clearly explains all my neuroses and idiosyncrasies, thus proving my fallible, human status.

Before she left she said she hoped to have the whole profile submitted to the adoption lawyer by the end of November. I held my breath so I wouldn’t make a face. She had originally old me by the end of October. She copied me on an email she sent to the county worker stating she hoped to have our file submitted in 2-3 weeks. And from what I heard, this means another 6-8 week wait for a date. So much for completing the adoption before the new year! This is so disappointing, but it is what it is and no amount of griping will change the course. Primero will be adopted when he is 16 years old. I don’t know if he would have agreed to the adoption knowing he would be so old when it happened. But, here we are, Primero will turn 16 in 4 days and the adoption is still looming on the horizon. Oh how slowly the wheels of this system turn!  

Over-Thinking

Love Bug has been sleeping much better the past few weeks. Most nights he stays asleep until early morning, like around 6-6:30. Some weekends he even sleeps in as last as 7-7:30! But, some nights he still wakes up and won’t go back to sleep in his crib. Those nights, like this past one, he needs to be held, not just sleep in bed beside me, but be held to my chest and sleep on me. Often times he doesn’t even want a bottle, he just wants me to hold him. I makes me worry that he’s insecure about our attachment and fearful that I will not be there when he wakes up if he is not sleeping with his head on my chest, hearing my heart beating. Of course, I could be reading into as well and maybe he’s just spoiled and sleeps like that because I let him (really, it’s the only way I can get back to sleep, since any other method results in loud crying). It could be his teeth and he just needs comforting because he is getting like a million molars right now and I’m sure that doesn’t feel the greatest. In general, Love Bug is a needy child and he requires a lot of attention. I’m blamed for making him that way, but I insist he was like that from the moment he came home. As a tiny infant, he would only sleep being held. If I laid him down he would howl. So, he’s been consistent in his needs and even though he is now able to walk and explore, he mostly prefers to be held and watch you try to struggle to complete tasks with one hand. He is this way at daycare as well. He has grown fond of his new teacher and so as long as she is in the room when I’m dropping him off, he does fine. On those rare mornings when she isn’t there, he cries inconsolably as I leave him in his class room. At Sunday school he howls for a good bit of time before settling in and either falling asleep or eating. He is always very anxious to leave when we pick him up. No one else, not the daycare, his OT therapist, the myriad of case workers, his doctor, no one seems to identify Love Bug’s behaviors as problematic, so I guess I should stop looking for trouble where this is none. I just want to make sure I am doing everything I can to ensure that Love Bug is getting the best start to life as possible. I wouldn’t want my ignorance or lack of diligence to cause him any developmental harm. I probably just over-think things…….

Tomorrow Love Bug will be 16 months old! That is crazy! The CHOR adoption case worker needs to come over to have me complete some paperwork she forgot to do before. Hopefully, once she has those things and I hand in the paperwork from my physical on Friday, she will be able to officially submit the adoption paperwork and then we will wait for a date. I’m cautiously optimistic that we will have a date before the end of the year, but I’m not going to hold my breath, since none of the dates we were given ever came to fruition. I need to weight the pros and cons to having Love Bug and Chica Marie attend the adoption (right now I’m leaning towards no, simply because I will be distracted and having them there would require an extra set of hands to keep them under control). We need to solidify our invite list and Primero needs to decide if he wants to celebrate afterwards or not. But, those things won’t need to happen until we get the official date. I honestly haven’t thought that much about what the day will be like because it seems so ethereal, like some lovely dream that is rather realistic. I still don’t think about it that much because it doesn’t seem real enough. With the line in the sand changing so often, it made it hard to believe in the adoption. When I got my physical Friday and explained to my family doctor why  I was there, he thought I had already adopted from the last time he performed my physical and filled out the paperwork (this was in September of 2013). I had to explain that the first physical was just to complete my homestudy to be eligible to adopt. Now, this one was for the actual adoption of a real child. “So, the first one was a waste then?” he asked. He’s not wrong, the whole process seems rather like a dog chasing its tail than anything that resembles common sense order. The rules are my physical must be done within a year of the adoption. Since I had not seen my family doctor since 2013, it was necessary for me to return and do it all over again, even though nothing had changed with my health in the interim. And my clearances, which were still good for fostering, had to be renewed because they needed to be done within a year of adoption. My family profile needed to be updated, Primero’s child profile needed to be updated and pretty much everything needed to be redone – the home inspection done by the adoption case worker, forms that were signed previously, it’s maddening!  So all of that is done now. The adoption case worker needs to see me to sign the financial form and to delineate who would take custody of Primero should anything happen to me. I meant to talk to Primero about that over the weekend but it slipped my mind. I know in the past he mentioned his brother or aunt who has two daughters, the youngest being just a bit older than Love Bug and I naturally think of my parents. I suppose we would really need to ask the person we would choose because that would be a crazy surprise if they ever needed to step in. So, this task is now added to our list of things to do tonight.

The county case worker notified me that Hermano will be moving in with a foster family in a nearby town the Monday after Primero’s birthday (which is only a little over a week away!) She said we could have bi-weekly visits with him, so that will be nice. It might mean we could do things over the holidays again, which would also be nice. I’m glad this case worker lets me know things like this, it makes me feel like she has a vested interest in doing what’s best for the kids, rather than just what is convenient for her. I know she is under no obligation to tell me things like this, but it does help to keep Primero informed and to have some involvement with his sibling. He knows I always try to accommodate him seeing his siblings because I know how important those relationships are, especially as we get older. I’m not sure when we will start the visits, but I’m glad she is allowing them to happen.  

Fear = False Evidence Appearing Real

It seems like every time I begin to get comfortable with things as they are, I start to sabotage it with feelings of doubt and anxiety. For the longest time I didn’t even consider the possibility that Love Bug and Chica Marie could go home. I think the last time was in December/January (here) and those feelings were short-lived. Nothing has been said about their case and we don’t have court again until December, but I know the county worker has been seeing more of bio mom and it just makes me worry. I know, I know, I should be happy that the family might be preserved, but it’s hard to believe things could change so drastically that the children will be cared for appropriately, especially after being in care for so long. Chica Marie talks about her “other” mommy on occasion, mostly recalling memories from the past, but she hasn’t asked to see her or made mention of missing her. This in and of itself worries me sometimes (what kid doesn’t miss their mommy?) but I let her lead – if she wants to talk about it, we talk about it, if she doesn’t we don’t. But, Chica Marie has memories, she knows her mother and while the transition might be hard on her, she might be able to handle it better than the baby. Love Bug is crazy attached to me. One night in respite and he couldn’t sleep unless he was bear-hugged to my chest for several days afterwards. Not only is he not connected to his mother but he seems afraid of her. He used to howl during visits and only calm down if the case worker held him or when I got there to hold him. I don’t think he would transition very well, I think it would be very hard on him and I could see him despondent for quite some time. I fear he would stop progressing with his therapy and not reach his full potential. I could be wrong, I could just be projecting my own feelings onto him, I don’t know. But, whenever the thought enters my mind of the potential of the kids going home, my heart freezes and my insides congeal, I stop breathing and panic starts coursing through my veins. After such a long time and such a bond and attachment growing, I don’t think I could easily get over these two going home.

The county case worker sent me an email earlier this week asking if Hermano mentioned anything to me or Primero about getting a girl pregnant while on the run over the summer. I told her what I know, which is when he first came into care a year ago his former girlfriend claimed to be pregnant but was quickly discovered to be lying. Then, over Christmas he proposed to a very pregnant girl but things ended after she had the baby and the baby daddy reappeared (and she is apparently pregnant again!). He’s been dating the same blonde girl from where he was placed in care before coming back to town and she has not made mention of expecting. I did say, unfortunately, Hermano is not known to be faithful, so it would be entirely possible, although Esperanza doesn’t think it would be. I don’t know why she asked this question, but there must be a reason. I certainly hope there isn’t a girl out there having Hermano’s baby because he does not need that right now. That kid needs a long time to get his head on straight and grow up – a baby should be the last thing on his agenda. But, I know he had posted something on Facebook once about trying to have a baby with his girlfriend at the time, so I would really not be surprised. I find it so sad that teen pregnancy is seen as no big deal in this city. I admonish both Primero and Esperanza about protecting themselves against pregnancy and STDs because such a vast majority of kids in this city have one or both. I have so little hope in this next generation and my goal is try to raise these kids to be exceptions to the pathetic statistics (although Primero is still dating one….).

Esperanza has started dating Primero’s girlfriend’s best friend. All four of them wanted to go to homecoming, but found out the school doesn’t allow students from other schools to attend. I know it’s mean, but I was happy for that decision. I don’t trust Primero’s girlfriend one bit and I so worried that this one year anniversary will result in sexual activity and a second baby. I’m sure it is pure paranoia, but I cannot shake it. The girlfriend had pressured Primero about sex in the past, so I’m sure she would pressure him again and use the longevity of their “relationship” to prove it a worthy endeavor. And, despite my instance of using protection, I will have no way of guaranteeing that will happen. I don’t know how parents of teenagers cope! If you aren’t worried about the kids academic progress, peer pressure to do drugs or smoke, then you worry about pregnancy and STD’s!! Yes, we talk about these things and I never shy away from answering questions, voicing my opinion, and offering suggestions on how to avoid unhealthy things. But, still I worry. Primero was irritated with me when I mentioned I wasn’t comfortable with him attending homecoming with his girlfriend. “It’s not like we’re gonna go at it in the middle of the dance floor!” he protested. Ah, but he forgets that I was once a teenager and I know where there is a will, there is a way. Now, they want to see a movie together instead. He’s done that in the past and I’ve allowed it as long as there are other kids along, which there will be. I just never feel great about it.

Primero will be 16 in a few weeks. I’m planning on throwing him a surprise party and I don’t really want to invite the girlfriend. I feel obligated to invite her but I really, really hope she won’t come. I just don’t like this girl and I want more than anything for them to be over and for Primero to find a nice girl, one without a baby and the issues that this one has. Esperanza jumped ship and while she didn’t like the girl at first, she seems to be buddies with her now. Bleck. I made 16 the magic number for Primero to being allowed to solo date and I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten about it. I would probably be nervous no matter who the girl was, but I certainly wouldn’t be as worried if it was someone other than this girl. I’m hoping he will dislike the idea of being driven to a date in our minivan or that the girl’s parents won’t let them solo date. I really could not handle being a grandmother, let alone having that girl be the mother.  

Example Day

I feel like not a day goes by without someone having some sort of issue. Take today for example:

Esperanza refused to go to school and threatened to drop out because two boys had been making fun of her and spreading rumors. She was distraught but would not tell me what was troubling her, only that she hated her school and didn’t want to go back. I know she has been hurt by so many people, especially adults, in the past that it is nearly impossible for her to trust. But, I really wanted to help her but my assistance was hampered by the lack of information she was sharing. I promised her I would go to bat for her, I would handle this issue that her school would have to hear me even if they wouldn’t listen to her, but I needed to know what I was fighting for, what change I needed to see occur. She would not budge. She wouldn’t tell me a thing. I won’t stop trying and I told her that when we spoke about it today. She apologized for making me “feel a type of way” last night and I told her I wasn’t upset about it and didn’t blame her for not wanting to tell me anything. I promised her I just wanted to help and I also promised her I wouldn’t stop trying to reach out to her. I know it’s hard for her to trust again after all she’s been through. I can only hope that my consistent actions will prove I am worthy of her trust. I did call the school this morning. I called the attendance line to report she wouldn’t be there and then I called the school social worker, who has been her biggest advocate to date, and then I called the vice principal whom I met when we talked about the fight Esperanza got into a few weeks ago. After a few phone calls to the school the problem was resolved and the one boy, who is her friend, text her to apologize. She will return to school on Monday. I hope she will see this as an example of how I was there for her and how I used my words and not threats or my fists to resolve a problem.

Primero started attending a brick and mortar charter school instead of his cyber school and he complains every day about how bad the students are at the school. He wants to go back to the cyber school but I want him to stick it out because A) he just started there and needs to give it a chance, which is more than one week and B) he really needs the structure and in-person attention he will get at school versus online. I just hope his grades reflect that we made a good choice because I don’t want him to skip from school to school every year, as he has all his life. I want him to spend all 4 years of high school in the same school. Next week he will celebrate a year being with his girlfriend. He said he wanted to get her a ring, but I nixed that idea pretty quickly (even though he wasn’t talking about a commitment ring, I still don’t like the idea). I don’t know what they will do. They only see one another briefly when she stops by the after school program to say hi. Her parents won’t let her attend and I explained to Primero that she has different priorities and should be expected to be home with her child and not gone all day for school then all night for the after school program. Sorry, not sorry, her child needs to come first. I know it sounds terrible, but I really just keep hoping they will break up and he will move on and find someone not in the situation this girl is in. After all this time together, you’d think I would get the hint and give up, but that just isn’t me. I don’t like her and she’s done nothing to persuade me to think otherwise.

Yesterday Chica Marie was given two written reprimands for hitting another child and for pulling a different kids hair. In the past her teacher has expressed how Chica Marie doesn’t always talk nice to her friends, that she calls them names and is mean to them. This is the first instance of hitting. So, before we left the house this morning we talked about what it means to be nice to our friends and what are some things we can do when we are angry. I’m hoping this helps. It seems like she acts out more when we are having a good day than when we are not having such a great day. Sigh. This is the kid I need to work with more, she’s the most difficult and the one I struggle with the most. I want to help get her over this self-hatred that she apparently has, but I find that I spend half of my time trying to undo the behaviors she has that result in most of her trouble. Honestly, I think I need to find a different therapist because I really don’t think this therapy is doing anything for her. I need to talk to her case worker about other options.

Love Bug is getting his first year molars, two at a time just like his other teeth. Despite the teeth, he has been sleeping better again. He has a nagging cold/allergy that just won’t quit and he’s tired of getting his nose wiped. This morning he had a very neon green bowl movement which begs the question, “what did you eat?” because we had pasta for dinner. He still isn’t talking, just babbling and making a lot of noise. He has gotten much better at walking and now prefers to walk rather than crawl. He still needs to have his teacher receive him at daycare in the morning or he will cry and cling to me. If his teacher is there he does fine.

I had the unfortunate displeasure of attracting the attention of the husband of a friend of mine from our previous church. He works at Primero’s new school (he worked at the previous school too, so it’s almost like we are following him) and he’s been trying to hook up with me. It makes me so sad because he’s a nice guy and we are friends, but it pains me to think that he’s trying to do this – his wife just went back to work after having their second daughter in June. I know the pain of finding out your husband is with another woman but I could not imagine how it would feel to know she is supposedly your friend! Now I’m stuck with the dilemma of telling her or keeping my mouth shut.

This is our life in a nutshell. Any given day there are a plethora of things happening with all of us that need to be either addressed, monitored, or handled in some fashion. All of these things are relatively easy compared to some of the doozies we come up against. I’m sure my parents had days like this, where it seemed each kid had some issue they needed to deal with and had to triage which problem they would work on first, but unlike me, they could divide and conqueror, I just have to put on my big girl panties and wade on in.  

Dredging Up the Past

Therapy makes me sad. It makes me dredge up the past when I think the past should just stay where it is and not bother me here in the present. I spent most of the therapy session crying this morning and now I’m just tired, all worn out and used up from the emotional toll. I’m going through the motions and just trying to get through the day, but I really just feel like crawling in bed and bawling my eyes out. I don’t want to relive the pain from the past, to remember how deeply some of the things cut me, I don’t want to pick at old scars. My therapist has suggested I need to go back to some of these dark places so I can heal correctly and move forward. Maybe. But, I don’t want to wallow in it anymore. I’m tired of feeling all the hurt. I want to move forward into the (hopefully) brighter and better future. My therapist also thinks I hide my feelings behind the kids, meaning I use them to distract myself from the pains of the past. She is asking me to find a support group for women with infertility, in hopes that talking more about that bag of painful goodies will help me get over it. I really don’t want to go back there. There’s no point in talking about something that happened that has no solution. I was unable to get pregnant and have children. Period. The end. Talking with other women, who might still be in the throes of infertility treatment, isn’t going to change my position. It’s not going to change the fact that I had and have no hope in conceiving a child any more than I have hope to end world hunger or get Pluto reinstated as a planet. It will probably just make me mad, in fact. To hear other women talking about how hard it is to deal with the poking and prodding of infertility treatments or, worse, to hear how someone miraculously got pregnant after years of trying – well, that would just piss me off. I suppose that says a lot about me and my character, but it’s the honest truth. It’s not that I don’t want to applaud someone’s miracle and wish her the very best, I just don’t want to get into with her, I don’t want to join her story or share my own with someone who eventually won and got what she wanted. Because it only reminds me that her story is not my story and I don’t get a happy ending and there’s no miracle for me. It’s selfish, I know. This is why it’s better for me to stay away from it. Infertility isn’t me anymore. I’m done with that, I’m done with everything about it. Infertility robbed me of my life, of the life I thought I was going to live. It took everything away from me and left me broken and alone. I want nothing more to do with it.

I know my therapist is right about one thing. I do use the kids to hide behind when it comes to dating or trying to find a romantic partner. Some of it is logistics – finding time to get to know someone is hard when respite is never a given and using my own network is a no-no. But, some of it is me just giving up. The children give me a purpose, they give me a family, and so it’s easy enough to overlook my needs for intimacy when I have to be so concerned for the health and well-being of these “little” people. I guess you could say the children are my life. I don’t think I mean that in a bad way, like I don’t have my own identity or that I feel like I’ve lost myself, I just mean that all that I do revolves around making sure the kids are taken care of first. I find enough left-over for me to treat myself to small luxuries, but mostly I take great pride and joy in raising the children and I enjoy spending time with them. I don’t know, I guess I sound crazy. I do wish I wasn’t doing this alone, I wish there were someone here by my side, but I just don’t have the energy or strength to try to find that someone. I guess I just don’t have any hope that there is someone out there for me.

Last night I was holding Love Bug while Chica Marie played and Primero met with his therapist. Love Bug laid his head on my shoulder and I nuzzled him under my neck, sniffing the sweet scent of soap and hair lotion in his soft, fuzzy curls and it took me back to when he was so much smaller, just a little peanut. Suddenly I was struck with just how much this baby has grown and my heart hurt with just how much I loved him, but I also remembered how much he has changed since his mother last saw him. It saddened me to think how Love Bug wouldn’t even know her if he saw her. The children haven’t had a visit since early June and nothing will be decided for them anytime soon, since their next court date is in December. Chica Marie sometimes makes mention of her other mommy (the name she came up with for her biological mother, although I think when she’s with her mom I’m the other mommy), but she hasn’t asked to see her. She has asked to see her sister and her grandmother, but not her mom. Love Bug knows me as his mom because that’s what I’ve been to him since he was 3 days old. His smile never fails to melt my heart and now when he calls me momma (which isn’t that often) my heart rejoices to be so blessed to have this little boy. Still, my happiness comes on the heels of his mother’s great sadness and so that taints it a bit, to think of how much she has lost, how much she has missed. She doesn’t know he’s walking as well as he is or that he’s saying words now (he says Chica Marie’s nickname a lot and calls Primero “Ninny,” he also calls the dog Ella and says “nuh” for no). She hasn’t seen how tall he’s grown or how thick and long his hair has gotten. She can’t see all his teeth and how he’s getting his molars now. She doesn’t know how he eats by himself and makes a heck of a mess because he wants to feed himself. Babies grow so fast and she has missed so much, it’s heartbreaking. I don’t really know where things are at with their case, I don’t know what is happening or what to expect at the next court hearing in a few months. All I know is this little, precious life is in the center of my world and I am honored to be there to watch him grow and learn.