Things have been frustrating lately. At home, at work,
daycare, with extended family and case managers. I feel like so many things are
set to torment me right now, it’s hard to not feel like I’m in a constant state
of irritation. Work has been getting increasingly more difficult, as our
numbers remain low, so do our reserves and our moral. Last year there were a
lot of changes, some do to retiring staff and some due to budget issues. The
workload has not shifted and so now there are less people doing the same job as
many more people used to share, with no hope for help in sight. Another big
change is coming at the end of the year with our site administration (and my
current supervisor) planning on retiring. I feel like a broken record,
constantly lamenting the addition of more responsibilities for so few staff.
Still, I’m lucky I have my job and that I like it, well most days anyway.
At home there are the usual suspects when it comes to
irritants: laundry, dishes, dinner, and someone really needs to cut the grass!
But, among those daily gems, it seems Primero and I have forgotten how to
communicate. There was an issue over the weekend where Primero took exception
to a comment my mother made about his uncle letting him drive the morning of my
sister’s wedding (here).
Primero got angry and sulked, but not only that, he called his uncle and told
him what was said and got his uncle angry in the process. Primero created a us
versus them situation that didn’t need to be. His uncle wanted to come to our
house and talk to us that very night, but we got home too late. Then he was
going to come Monday night but Primero and I started taking ASL classes, so he
didn’t come. He was going to come last night. Primero went to the mall with a
friend and so he wasn’t home. I asked him if his uncle was still coming
(because we communicate through a teenager – this is part of the problem) and
he said his uncle never got back to him. I guess he lost interest. I will take
it upon myself to contact him, but I hate this whole mess. In addition to the
mess, Primero finally got his first pay check and has been hounding me to open
a banking account so he could cash his check. We weren’t able to do it on
Monday and when I picked him up he was very upset, demanding he get to the
bank. When I admonished him for being inflexible and downright rude, he snapped
back, “Fine, then I’ll just get my uncle to take me.” I didn’t know I was
co-parenting with his uncle. I let him know, in no uncertain terms that would
not happen. But, it shows his mentality lately and I really don’t know where
this is coming from. When I did finally take him to the bank I was mortified
and debased in front of the bank staff simply because I felt it was best I be
on Primero’s account – he was arrogant and cocky, demanding I not be on his
account. He only relented when the staff told him that having me on the account
was the only way he would get a bank card. Primero seems to think he is all
grown and do whatever he pleases and anytime I assert my parental guidance, he
blows up like a belligerent child. It’s not been pretty. The irritation of
Primero’s attitudes, the fighting about his family and acceptable boundaries,
and this potential meeting hanging of my head have really set me on edge.
I dread going to pick the children up at daycare anymore. If
it’s not a bad report on Chica Marie’s behaviors, it’s a report of Love Bug
trying to harm himself by flinging himself to the floor in a temper tantrum.
Or, he’s biting someone (which, as much as its hated, is age appropriate). And
they tell me these things with hopes I have a ready solution and I often do
not. Love Bug doesn’t fling himself to the floor very often at home and when he
does there is someone able to safely lower him to the ground. This is not the
case at daycare and they were actually concerned he had given himself a
concussion the other day, that is how hard he flung himself to the ground. And
then there is Chica Marie who gets written up twice in one day while her TSS
worker was on vacation. She grabbed another child by the throat after luring a
different child to a corner of the playground to kiss them. Her inability to
stay still or in one place while we are grocery shopping has me at my wits end
and her mother won’t sign off on the new medication she is supposed to be
taking. She apparently wants to know what I think about it and so we have to
have a conference call with the case workers just to appease her. Meanwhile,
the therapy office wouldn’t permit her current prescription to be filled
because they think she is supposed to take just the new medication when I
thought the doctor said we were adding the new medication to the one she is
currently taking. Massive mess all around! And, I have to give up my lunch
break for a conference call. The irritation is mounting!
My mom got the full story about what happened the morning of
the wedding out of me, she’s good at that. Sadly, it has been debilitating for
her. I had asked my parents to watch the kids this Saturday, since they have only
ever done it once and my mom is more mobile now with her ankle. I had a message
from my dad last night that they can’t do it because my mom is still such a
wreck about this whole thing. I’m feeling very done with it myself. I get she
was hurt in a big way and lots of smaller ways but the wedding is over now. She
has two choices, she can wallow in all that happened and all the pain it
caused, or she can put on her big girl panties and move on. I’m sure you can
guess which route I’d prefer. Still, she can’t get over herself long enough to
be distracted by two cute (and mischievous, I’ll admit) kids? I was also pushing
hard for this because twice recently my mom has made comments about not getting
any grandchildren. When she mentioned this on Sunday I said, as kindly as I
could, “You need to stop saying that, you have three grandchildren.” She meant
to say biological grandchildren and she is most likely right about that, she
won’t have any biological grandchildren. My siblings are disinterested in
procreating and I am unable. But, I was hoping if she spent more time with the
children she would begin identifying them more as hers. Maybe that is just wishful
thinking, but it is most certainly frustrating!
The latest riff with the CHOR case worker (I feel she and I have
been at odds quite a bit in her short stint as our case worker) is regarding
new medication for Chica Marie. When we saw her psychiatrist the end of June
and I relayed to him what I felt were skewed results from the daycare due to a
new teacher coming just as Chica Marie was beginning the medication. I
mentioned not seeing much change at home and so the psychiatrist thought to add
another medication to what she was taking. It was going to be a low dose of a
blood pressure medication to help her with excess energy and self-regulating. I
naïvely email the case workers thinking this would be no big deal since
everyone is in communication with mom and she was doing well, easy peasy right?
I wish! Bio mom balked at having her child take “all those meds” and wanted a
conference call with all of us, me specifically, to understand what behaviors
dictated medicating Chica Marie. Now, I am not one to medicate children. In fact,
the mobile therapist had to talk me into any medication for Chica Marie because
I don’t want her to be a zombie or lose the essential part of who she is just
because her behaviors are hard to handle. But, I also want Chica Marie to be
able to learn and progress and with her starting kindergarten, I don’t want a bright
girl like her to get lost because she can’t sit still long enough to learn. So,
while the psychiatrist was pushing for stronger medications, like Adderall or
Ritalin, I wanted to start small with room to build, if needed. Thus, a perhaps
lesser effective medication that she might have responded to versus the medications
I really shy away from. I’d be loathe to start her on those heavy duty ADD meds.
Not only do I think those meds are a bit much for a child so young, I also worry
about her having a family history of addiction and the possibility that this
could set her down such a path. When I explained this all to the case worker at
her home visit last night she said she thinks that’s just want mom wants to
hear. So, we set up a conference call
for Friday at 2. Only, the case worker emailed this afternoon stating she has
left a message for mom and hopes to speak to her about my thoughts on this
whole thing and hopes this resolves the issue. If not, we are looking at a
conference call next week. So flipping frustrating! If only they had terminated
her rights last month, then none of this would be happening. Sigh. There’s no
easy in foster care!
I think I just need a vacation from everything. I’m feeling
worn down and tired. I’m feeling like I’m mostly incapable of handling the
things swirling around in my life and I keep making mistakes. I feel like
everything I do is a fight for some reason and I’m just getting weary. I’ve thought
about beginning potty training for Love Bug, but I’m just too beat to consider
it. I hop from one issue to the next, putting out one fire and onto the next, with
little to no recovery time in between. I live my life waiting for the next shoe
to drop, the next crisis to arrive for me to handle. If it isn’t one thing it
is certainly another. What’s a weary mama to do? Just soldier on….