Adulting

Primero wants his privileges back. He wants me to resume paying for his music and PlayStation account and GameFly, etc. I’m reluctant to jump right back to where we were. I feel like I was too trusting and I opened myself up for greater pain and hurt because I allowed Primero to have such free reign with certain things. He does not see the correlation between his behaviors and loss of these things and he is insisting the stipend I get from adopting him should be spent on his entertainment and $150 sneakers, plus spending money at his discretion. I’m trying to not start a fight again, but I feel like this needs to be a wake-up call to the reality of adulthood. You can’t take on that mantel whenever you like and discard it when it doesn’t get you what you want. If you are an adult and don’t need someone telling you what to do, then you should be adult enough to pay for the things you want. I feel like this thing will never end, like we will keep circling back to this same issue again and again and before long I’ll be in the same boat with the younger two.  

A Reprieve

I was dreading the three-day weekend after all the difficulties of last week. Despite trying to have a heart-to-heart conversation with Primero, despite ending the conversation with a hug and affirmation that he is still very loved and wanted, even when he acts like a turd, I still felt a sense of dread with a long weekend looming before us. Luckily, it seems like things might actually be settling down with Primero. He stayed home most of the weekend and even helped me with a construction project that involved some serious manual labor. I was grateful for the reprieve and hopeful that we are righting the ship that had gone askew this past month. It was so hard letting go of the doubt and distrust formed from Primero lying to me and then lying to me about lying to me, but if it means we can get back to normal, so be it. Fingers crossed this time it sticks.

 

The little ones and I spent most of the weekend outside. The children have made friends with two neighbor kids and enjoy running around playing together. It has been nice for them to have friends to play with, but it has also presented some problems. Love Bug is much younger than the other kids and they get easily frustrated with him. He had to be called home early on Monday because he was spitting on one of the older kids. There is also a safety issue with the kids running back and forth across the road. I have been scolding them and showing them how to look both ways before crossing since stopping their crossing proved futile. Our street isn’t particularly busy, but accidents can happen quickly. Chica Marie had gotten a free bike from CHOR and we had some issues getting the training wheels on it. Then, because the wheels are cheap plastic, one is already broken. Sigh.

 

I feel like I did a lot of work over the weekend but have little to show for it. Primero and I replaced the back fence in the backyard. The old one was falling apart and the dogs were able to get out. Unfortunately, removing the old fence proved problematic because the trumpet vine I planted years ago had grown into the fence. So, in order to get the fence down, we had to hack apart the very large, tree-like trumpet vine bush. We did manage to get the new fence up, but it was a little shorter in length than our old one and still not 100% complete since we have some more finagling to do with it. I managed to clean out the side flower garden, which was no small feat. I need to buy mulch to prevent the weeds from coming back. The backyard is the real issue. It is a mess from the kids and the dogs. My flower bed has been razed from the dogs running through it. Most of the grass is dead and what is not, are mostly weeds. I want to put in a patio and build a wall around the flower bed. I feel like I lack the skills to do this. I am thinking about paving in half of the backyard, but I’m fearful we will miss the grass. Still, I need to do something because it’s such a hot mess at the moment. I also need to replace our back porch because it’s in sad shape from the wear and tear. I will need to have that done professionally because I’m fairly hopeless when it comes to building things. I wish I could, I wish there would be a way for me to learn how to do it, but until then I will have to rely on professionals. Hopefully next year I can afford the back porch replacement. In the meantime, I’m going to work on getting the other things in order, bit by bit.

The Parent's Fault

Parents are dammed if they don’t and dammed if they do; we are simply stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place. In trying to come up with new strategies to help Primero and our seemingly never-ending saga of disrespect, disregard and lying, I had been reading various articles online. It seems there are two schools of thought when it comes to teenagers who are legally adults. One school of thought is, if the parent(s) have done a “good job” raising their child(ren) then they should have no trouble handing over the reins to their new “adult” and if said adult rebels or acts disrespectfully well then clearly the parent is at fault for whatever was done or not done in the previous 18 years. The other school of thought is that a young adult still needs parental guidance, steering and advise and should be expected to comply to household rules until or unless they can fend for themselves financially. The stance is, this is my house and you must live by my rules, period. I find both sides lacking, especially when it comes to a young adult who was adopted as a teenager. So, totally unhelpful for me and Primero.

 

I waited up for him last night. He came home after midnight. We talked. Again. I’m trying to let go of a lot of things, like him lying about lying to me and his inability to see what a douche he’s being, because I want us to move forward. I’m pretty sure I’m working on an ulcer with all of this stress. I haven’t been sleeping well, which is nothing new to me but it’s at an all-time low in terms of restlessness. Sometimes the stress makes my stomach ache and I simply cannot eat – which is new to me! Usually, I over-eat when I’m worked up. I like to feed my emotions, a la fat girl style. I feel lost and scared and hurt and worried and I don’t want to keep this up. Keep doing the same things, keep getting the same results, right? So, I want to try to work on rebuilding my relationship with Primero. A few days ago I had taken the stance that it was Primero’s job to mend fences between us, but he seems both unwilling and incapable, so I’m working on it.

 

For the first school of thought regarding parenting teens and young adults, I call bullshit. My own family is a perfect example of how two parents can have drastically different results parenting three children. My sister and I were fairly easy teenagers. Not that we didn’t have our moments, but nothing we did held a candle to my brother. He was one of those horror story teenagers and his antics negatively affected the entire family. My parents didn’t treat him any differently growing up or if they did it was because he was a boy. He has self-imposed estrangement from the family and has no relationship with anyone, barring my father and even that is minimal. My parents tried the second school of thought to some extent. I know they expected my brother to follow the rules and contribute to a harmonious household. My brother refused. Now, where does that leave you Custer? Are you willing to die on this hill as your last stand? Because a particularly defiant young adult will push you to that point and then shove you right over the cliff. Could I have thrown that ultimatum at Primero? Sure. But, I doubt very highly that it would have gone well. And, if my ultimate goal is to have Primero become a responsible, contributing member of society, how does tossing him out into the streets achieve the desired outcome? It doesn’t.

 

I have been trying to determine what is really going on here. Clearly, we are in some “grown up” growing pains. We are both caught between trying to let Primero fly but also holding him accountable and staying on the path to success. I know a lot of this has to do with his co-dependent unhealthy relationship with his friend. But, I don’t understand his sudden contempt for me. And I really don’t understand why, after four years together, he has started lying to me about everything. Big lies, small lies, lies he won’t confess to even when I confront him about them (He actually demanded proof! He wanted actual physical evidence, like he’s some detective!). There is some underlying issue that I clearly don’t understand. I have tried digging it out of him, but he is very resistant. It hurts me that he has made me out to be his enemy when I am squarely in his camp. Team Primero all the way!

 

Earlier this week I was so upset at his blatant disrespect that I actually contemplated issuing the get-along or get out ultimatum. I never thought I would get to the point where I wouldn’t want my own son living with me, but I was just that upset at all the lying and defiance I didn’t know what else to do. Fortunately, I managed to not shoot off an angry text (although, to be honest, I did type said text and delete it about 4 times). That is not how I want this story to go. One thing that steadied my hand was thinking about how my parents managed the nightmare that was my teenage brother. Never once did I hear them talk about kicking him out. And he did a lot more awful things than Primero. I know it was my dad, my mother told me in later years that he would never dream about kicking any of his children out of the house. I know Primero is cavalier about finding a place to stay if I were to ask him to leave, but deep down I think it would crush him. Thinking back on the life he has lived, he had been kicked out of every other home he was in until now. I could not do that to him. And, as I mentioned above, it really wouldn’t help him. He needs a home, a steady home with firm boundaries and forgiveness for his teenage folly and hubris. It might make my life easier to not have to wait up until midnight and talk until 2 am with a surly young adult. It might make my life easier to not have a screaming match over the phone about coming home on a school night. It might make my life easier to not have to call the school and see if he attended any classes on a given day. It might be easier to not change the keycode or hide the car keys. But, hey guess what? No one in the history of ever said parenting was about taking the easy route. Primero will learn a lot more if I hold fast and push him to be mindful about the rules and go to school than if I dump him in the streets. Might he learn to be more grateful for what he has if it is suddenly taken away? Perhaps. But, at what cost? Thinking he is disposable, like he did when he first moved in? Thinking he didn’t matter so it doesn’t matter what he does? That doesn’t seem to be the makings of a responsible member of society, now does it?

 

So, I make my own school of thought on parenting an adopted legal adult. And my school of thought is this. My son is his own person and I will not be held accountable for the choices he makes as an independent being. His poor choices are not a reflection of me as his parent. I am not totally off the hook because he does need guidance and he does need consequences and that is my job right now. He will not be forced to leave the house before he is ready to do so, but he will find a lot of privileges have been revoked until he is able to follow the household rules, of which there are few. I hope we find a way to reconnect and I will keep trying until the day that I die because that is unconditional love. I might not like him right now, but I do and always will love Primero. And, my hope is I am making decisions from love and not anger. I am choosing to let go of the pain I feel from him lying to me, in hopes that it can help us renew our relationship and move forward positively. Please, dear God, let this work!     

Needing Understanding

When Primero didn’t come home Tuesday night, I changed the keyless entry code and the master code. I realized, for too long he has had power over too many things. He controls the Netflix account that I pay for. He controls his Tidal and GameFly accounts, that I pay for. He knew the master code to the keyless entry. He can access the cell phone account and he used to be able to move money from my bank account to his own, but I stopped this a few weeks ago when he took off because he got angry at me. I am slowly taking away these privileges because he clearly cannot be trusted to have so much control. He hasn’t spoken to me. He left his school shoes on the floor and the dog chewed them up while I was outside playing with the children last night. I’m sure he blames me. This morning he left the house early and lied to me that he was going to school early. On the drive into work I was listening to a representative from the local animal shelter talk about this dog named Moon. He is only 5 years old but Moon has been in and out of the shelter all his life. He is scared, even though he is a very large dog, and so he reacts negatively when people approach him. As they described how great this dog is and how he just needs someone to understand him and work with him, I started bawling. So many people are fearful about giving a home to an adolescent in foster care. So many people wouldn’t put their heart on the line to go through what I am going through right now. It’s hard and it’s scary and I don’t know the final outcome. I’ve poured my heart and soul into Primero these last four years and I love him dearly. I won’t stop loving him. But, at the moment I simply don’t like him. I don’t know why or how he has become this irrational, angry young man who thinks he can do whatever he likes to do with no repercussions. In the past, when he got in trouble, he would take the consequences and while he might not like them, he seemed to realize it was his own fault. Now, everything is my fault. It’s like he is growing backwards, in terms of maturity, instead of forwards. He is regressing to a young teenager rebelling just for the sake of being able to rebel. I feel like I can’t reach him and not just because he isn’t talking to me at the moment. We have talked several times since things started getting hairy a month ago, and yet almost immediately after our talks he went right back to the bad behavior. And each time it seems worse. How do I get him to stop lying to me? How do I get him to turn this around, to stop running off, to go to school, to work his summer job and just be his kind self again? It seems the only person he is willing to talk to is his toxic friend. I wonder what his friend has been telling him? To leave and come stay with him? Primero is used to the creature comforts of our home. How long would he last without them, I wonder? I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how to make this all better. I wish I didn’t feel like it’s my brother all over again.  And I won’t relive that experience.

Grown-up Temper Tantrums

Primero is consistently throwing “grown up” temper tantrums. He seems to think he can do whatever he wants to do, and since he is legally an adult, I can’t stop him. He chose to not come home last night, after fighting with me when I told him he needed to be home by curfew. He was at his friend’s brother’s place doing Lord knows what. Two nights ago, he drove the van in the middle of the night, without permission after I told him the brakes weren’t good. And he lied to me about doing it. Just like he lied to me about sneaking his friend into the house after I asked the friend to leave. Just like I’m sure he has been lying to me about so many things. He has become a person I don’t even know, much less like. Last night with his antics, I came very close to simply kicking him out. He can’t live by my rules (which I think are reasonable) then he doesn’t need to be in my home. Anyone who knows me knows it would take a lot to get me to this point because the last thing I want to do is lose Primero. But, I’m tired of how he is treating me and I done with putting up with his cocky arrogance and childish defiance. We keep talking and talking and talking but it never seems to penetrate his thick skull. He is getting to the point where it seems he needs to learn this lesson the hard way. He think the stipend I get for adopting him should be his spending money. No matter how many times I explain the money is used to keep a roof over his head, lights on in the house, food in his stomach, and gas in the car, he seems to think I mismanage the money and should be spending more on him and the things he wants. Like the GameFly account I already pay for, or his Tidal music account and iTunes account, or the Amazon Prime membership so he can buy things using my money and have them shipped for free, or his gym membership and accounts to Hulu and Netflix. He wants for nothing. He has plenty of fun gadgets and I agreed to give him $40 a month spending money (he chose to spend $20 of it on his gym membership). My parents stopped buying my clothing when I got a job. They never paid for me to go to the movies or go out with friends or order pizza whenever I wanted. They kept a roof over my head and paid my car insurance, but if I wanted to drive their car I needed to put gas in it. And they only paid my car insurance while I was in school and getting good grades. Primero has had summer jobs but he spends the money almost as soon as he makes it and doesn’t have much to show for it. I don’t know why he has become so irrational. I asked if he was doing drugs because his personality is so different and he seems to angry all of the time I believed his brain chemistry was altered. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get my sweet, understanding Primero back. He blames me for his lying, telling me he can’t talk to me because I just throw things back in his face. I am hurt. I am disappointed. I never thought this would be how he would act. I keep hoping something will shake him out of this. Last night, before I went to bed, I changed the code on our front door lock (it’s a keyless entry). I don’t know what else to do to impress upon Primero that his behavior is unacceptable. He doesn’t know it yet, but if he returns to the house he will find out that he no longer has van privileges and I don’t know when he might get them back because I can’t trust him. I don’t have much power, but there are some things I can control and I guess that is where I need to make my last stand. Mostly I feel like my stomach is being slowly torn out of my body and my heart hurts so bad I’m always on the brink of tears. I don’t want to keep living like this and I won’t. My beloved Primero feels lost to me and the pain is nearly unbearable. Like so many, many things in my life, this too shall pass.

Life is Hard

Life is hard right now. I’m sitting here, typing with my sunglasses on because I have a migraine developing. Many times my migraines are tied to stress, it’s my body’s safety valve when the stress gets to be too much. A migraine forces me to stop, rest, and reboot. It is most likely going to become an on-going problem. There are a lot of things stressing me out at this point. Life just feels so hard…

 

• Primero and I continue our roller coaster of friction and irritation with one another. He has lied to me and told me half-truths so much I hardly trust him anymore. He seems to always be angry with me, even when I’m not upset with him. We are dry kindling just a match away from an inferno. We talk, we try to settle things and put it all to rest, only to find another flare-up almost immediately after quashing the first flames. I worry there is something more going on with Primero, something I don’t know about that is really getting to him. I wish I felt like he was telling me the whole truth, but I fear he is not. I don’t know what to do, other than keep trying. It’s hard.
• I’m still trying to process the events of the weekend with the kids and their grandmother. I just wish things weren’t so hard and complicated. I wish we had better communication and that I didn’t worry so much about the children visiting and what they were allowed to do that I wouldn’t permit. Love Bug was doing something disturbing to a doll yesterday that had me worried about what the kids might have viewed on their sister’s tablet….
• Things have been rough again with Chica Marie. Last week she was defiant with her teacher, refusing to comply to even simple requests and burning through a whole host of activities while not giving one single f*uck at losing privileges. She was caught gyrating in front of a group of boys and allowed another child to take her earring out and lose it.
• Love Bug has gone a few days without peeing on himself but I’m not holding my breath. He has been acting in ways that remind me of his sister and it’s hard to see him being defiant in a way he never was before.  
• The rescue seems to think I’m not doing enough for our foster dog, Skye. I’m not socializing her enough or whatever. Skye does fine in our home with our dogs. I don’t have other dogs at my disposal to have her spend time with them and I would worry too much to take her to a dog park because she is half pitbull and looks like a pitbull and if she so much as growls at another dog it could be a problem for her.
• The pathology came back on the lymph nodes the doctor removed during my mom’s surgery two weeks ago. The doctor said he wasn’t overly concerned about them but he was wrong. The pathology showed cancer. My mom was in the hospital for nearly three days for an impacted bowel. My dad is worried she has cancer in her stomach. Other than the three rounds of chemo she already has planned, I’m not sure what more they are going to do. I know my mom was adamant about not wanting to continue chemo therapy if her time is limited. I feel like my world is falling apart.
• Work is hard with this new program we have started. Work used to be my steady thing, the thing that didn’t cause me stress. That is no longer the case. It’s hard.
• The daycare handed out fliers last week regarding their financial woes. They might raise the rates. My rates already increased because the children are no longer in foster care and, while we still qualify for a subsidy, it has increased by $84 per week.
• I think my grandmother is depressed. She misses my grandfather and the other side of the family has been squabbling with her. She isn’t as active as she had been in the past. I wish I could do more to help her.
• There are more projects around the house than I know what to do with and it’s hard to find time to get them done. Not only that, but I feel like I lack the proper skills to accomplish the tasks and so many of them I cannot do without help and, since things aren’t going well with Primero, help is not something I have much of at the moment.

 

I just need a break, a small one, a moment in time where things aren’t broken and I can breathe. It does not seem forthcoming. Lord have mercy on me.

Control Issues

The little ones spent the weekend with their grandmother. She invited them over to watch their sister run a 5k race. While they were visiting, Primero and I drove six hours to upstate New York to move Esperanza back home. It was a long grueling trip because we returned the same day (so, six hours up, six hours back). We did spend a hot minute at Niagara Falls, which was pretty cool. When we dropped the kids off, Grandma took a picture of them and posted it on Facebook. Their older sister (who is pregnant) posted that she wanted to see them. She has seen them two, maybe three times in the nearly 4 years they have lived with me. Last year, when we had the sibling picnic, I finally had a chance to meet the older siblings, except two who were not allowed to attend. I gave out my phone number, I suggested the other family contact me to develop a relationship with the little ones. No one took me up on the offer. It seems, from my perspective, that Grandma wants to control who gets to see my children and when. And, I’m not really ok with that. Grandma took the kids to see their older sister. Chica Marie thinks it’s so awesome that her sister is pregnant, she bragged about rubbing her tummy. The last thing in the world I want is for Chica Marie to think it’s cool to have a baby before you can drive a car. Grandma also bought the kids fancy new shoes because their shoes got muddy. It’s mud. Clean them off. I put the shoes in the washer since they are canvas shoes. She bought Chica Marie shoes that light up, which she will want to wear to school but I will not let her because they will be a distraction. Grandma mentioned to me they are thinking of going to Disney World next year and wants to take the kids, or maybe just Chica Marie. Um, no. Hard no. I feel like she does not respect me, she clearly has no issues doing what she wants when she wants to do it. There is no way I would let her take my children out of state. Especially not after the whole incident last fall, with her wanting to take Chica Marie and refusing to talk to me about it. What makes you think I’d be willing to let you just whisk my children away, so far away? Clearly I am angry. I’m trying to determine what is at the heart of my frustration with Grandma. I am trying to mentally see how I would feel if it were my mom doing these things and how I would react. I mostly wrote this to try to mentally work through it. I thought about texting Grandma that I’m not happy she took the kids to see their sibling without contacting me. Am I just going tit for tat on a control issue? Am I being unreasonable? I want to refuse to let the children sleep-over and just have visits where I’m present. This way there won’t be any surprises…..

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