Holiday's are Hard

Last Tuesday morning started out like all other weekday mornings. Only, when I woke up, I realized that Love Bug never came into my bedroom. I was alone in my bed. Maybe he was so tired, he had gone to bed late both nights over the weekend, so maybe he slept through the night. Win for Mom! I noticed Chica Marie was sleeping on my floor, which was seemed unusual, but I didn’t give it too much thought. I got up and went to put the dogs outside. We have a new foster dog. He is a Pomsky (Pomeranian-Husky) we named Winter. As I closed the door I heard someone whimpering, “Mommy?” I turned and saw the kids bedroom door was closed. Love Bug was trapped in their bedroom! The doorknob to the kids bedroom has been broken for a long time, and I got sick of replacing it. So, the door only opens from the outside. I opened the door and Love Bug flew into my arms, sobbing incoherently. He had been trapped in their room all night and I never heard him calling me. He was drenched in sweat and his own pee and trembling from fear and cold. I took him to the bathroom and pealed his soaked pajamas off of him while trying to comfort him as he continued to babble. I ran a warm bath with bubbles and encouraged him to soak to warm up. Soon, he began making sense, expressing his fear from the night being locked alone in their bedroom. For a full 15 minutes I could not leave his side. After he was bathed and his fear subsided, he went to sleep in my bed for a few minutes. Fortunately, he has been doing ok since this incident, but he is more adamant than ever that he needs to sleep in my bed.

The day went on, as they tend to do, but with Murphy at the helm. It was the CHOR Christmas party and the kids were so excited to go. Love Bug picked out a suit, with a tie, and he was tickled pink to wear his “handsome outfit.” We had a nice time at the party and came home just after 8 to find the dog had gotten into the trash. Not only was there rubbish all over the kitchen floor, but there were coffee grounds and left-over chocolate goop from creating chocolate covered pretzels. It was all smeared across the floor in a brown-black sticky mush that took an incredibly long time and various methods to clean up. I was exhausted and sent the kids to bed as soon as the floor was traversable.

I thought my night was over after sending Primero off with his friends to spend the night with them. I brushed my teeth and washed my face, preparing for bed. It was only after I washed my face that I realized my face lotion was missing. I searched for it in the bathroom but did not find it. Perplexed, I called Primero to see if he knew where it might have gone. He has this aggravating habit of taking something down to his bedroom to use it and not putting it back. “Oh a friend asked if I had any face lotion so I took it for them to use.” Are you kidding me?! “There wasn’t that much left.” It was the last of what I had and plenty for me to use that night. I was enraged. His inconsiderate act just boiled my blood and I snapped. Keep in mind, this is not the first time nor even the fifty-first time he has taken something and placed it elsewhere or left with it and I cannot find it when I want to use it. I lost my temper and stormed into his bedroom to reclaim all of my stuff. I found my eye pencil sharpener that had gone missing a few days ago. I found 5 nail clippers of various sizes. I found the sewing kit, the iron, and the body measuring tape I could not find a month ago. I carried three piles of found items back upstairs. I sent Primero photos of what I was taking, so it was on the up and up. I took his Ipod, stupidly, mostly just to piss him off. He came home screaming at me that I had no right to take anything and flung my face lotion at me. It was all my fault, you see. I crossed a line when I took stuff from his room, but it is perfectly fine for him to take things. My things. “Well, I never went into your room!” he yelled at me. I have always respected his room. But, he cannot continue taking my things and maintain my respect. If I crossed a line, he ran through it first. Sadly, things have not recovered between me and Primero. We had another blow up Friday night and haven’t spoken since then. I wish it didn’t, but this time of year stresses me out so much I’m beginning to dread it. Thankfully, it is soon over.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Wrestling Momma

Love Bug started wrestling. His first practice was the week before Thanksgiving. He was really excited to go but then refused to go in the gym when we got there. I coaxed him through it and it has been a grueling process every single practice. I am with him for the duration of practice, trying to help him to focus and learn; I even sometimes get down on the mat, trying to show him what the coaches just explained. It is exhausting. Plus, I know next to nothing about wrestling! The coaches are great with him, but there are a lot of players and not enough coaches, so he doesn’t get as much time with them as necessary. I think he has anxiety about finding a partner to try the moves with. Last week we had found a nice little girl who was on her game and would demand Love Bug cooperate. I think, after seeing how hard it was to get Love Bug to join in, her parents told her to find a different partner. She refused to practice with Love Bug the last time we were there. I understand, from her parents perspective, they want her to learn which she cannot do if Love Bug refuses to do the moves. But, my heart aches for my little boy, who just needs some extra understanding to get it. Really, he might be more cooperative if he had a friend he feels comfortable doing the moves with. Getting along with peers is hard for him. He does really well with the coaches and then freezes up with the kids his age and size. The coaches think he has some natural talent and I think he would really like the sport if he could just learn the moves. I wish he could make a friend so he would feel comfortable learning the moves. But, that will take time and in the meantime, I have to try to help him as best as I can.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural postwhich explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Flying from the Nest

Lately I have been missing the not-so-long ago days when Primero used to sit on the couch with me at night and we would watch TV and show each other memes and things we found online. It has turned into an ache as he starts approaching the landing strip to fly out of the nest. He spends a lot of time working and some time going to school. When he isn't working or in class, he is with friends or on his phone alone in his bedroom. The disconnect is natural, at this point in his life. I just wasn't ready for it. My heart aches for by-gone times that I cannot get back. So, I try to take what I can get. It does hurt my heart sometimes when the little ones express missing him. They feel the disconnect as well. But, one day they will be the ones prepping for that leap from home, so it's best I show them this is all ok, just another stage in life. 

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Back to Hard Times

We are back into hard times. Behaviors are through the roof and I mean all of us. I practically had a nervous breakdown last week. Things are not great. Is it because we are moving into the holiday season? Is it just the natural swing of things? I don’t know. I don’t really care, to be honest. I only care about coming back into balance. Right now, everything we do feels like an arduous chore. Simple things, like getting ready in the morning, are goliath tasks that zap my energy and make me miserable, quite frankly. But, it doesn’t stop there. Evenings are just as miserable with mega fights and tantrums. And, it is all my fault and I need to fix it all. Or at least that is how it feels. Last Monday the case worker from CHOR, who has been helping with the post-permanency advocacy services, was visiting and it was a solid two hours of Love Bug at his worse. He wanted snacks. Incessant snacks, keep them coming or else he kicks, hits, tries to bite, climbs on the counters or kitchen table, screams and pretty much does everything in his power to make all our lives miserable. And, because he was getting a lot all of the attention, Chica Marie decided to add to the frustration by starting her own anger campaign. She threatened to run away, packing random things in her backpack and putting on her coat. This eventually turned into a screaming diatribe on what an awful mom I am and how I only give the boys attention. She has also been acting up in school and daycare and things are just one big hot mess right now. And I want out. People always ask me what I do for myself and I try to do things. I’ve joined a Women’s Empowerment group, I take time to do things by myself, the kids even went into respite last weekend. But, I feel like no matter what I do it isn’t enough to shake off this eternal fatigue I feel with the kids. Because no matter how great it is to be away from them, I have to come back to it and the horrid mess and the tantrums and it just doesn’t even seem worth it. I need like a solid month away to really make any kind of difference. How is this our life? I can’t stand my kids most of the time. I don’t like being around them for large chunks of the day. This is not ok! This is not how I wanted things to go! I am not enjoying motherhood the way I thought I would. I would like to tell you that my difficult kids make me a better mom, but that is a lie. It makes me a worse mom. I am impatient and frustrated most of the time. I feel like I cannot go on. I expend most of my energy and time trying to make things easier and better for my kids and it doesn’t seem to make much of a difference. I wish I could just go away. Wake up on a quite island by myself. No one screaming for breakfast. No one making any demands of me at all.  

Not Quite the Same Thing

I hate when a married parent says to me, “Oh, yeah I totally get how hard it is because my significant other works long hours/goes away on many work trips. So hard.” Um, no. Hard no. You do not understand being a single parent. Yes, it might be hard when your partner is not there for 5 out of 7 bedtime routines or when you are always the parent to stay home with a sick kiddo. It is hard being the one to prepare dinner 90% of the time or being the only parent available to check homework or run this kid to soccer and that kid to dance class. Parenting is hard even if you are not doing it solo. But, please do not tell me your partner working long hours is the same thing as being a single parent because it just isn’t. Do you have someone to bounce ideas off of even if it’s just the last 15 minutes before you fall asleep? Do you have someone to go to parent-teacher conferences with or at least share what you learned? Is there a second income coming into your home? Or someone staying home to save on daycare costs? Does your partner make time to help out, even if it is only once a week or a few times a month? If yes, then you have no idea what it is like to be a single parent. I do not have any of that. There is no one going to conferences with me or to talk about all the hard behaviors we deal with on a daily basis. There is no one who can tag me out when I need a breather or when I am sick. Anytime I am not with my children, I am paying someone else to be with them (unless Primero is available which is becoming less and less of a thing). No one else does the nightly routine. No one else takes off for doctor’s appointments or when a child is sick (or suspended, more likely). So, please I know you are trying to empathize with me, but do not tell me having a partner who works a lot is “just like” being single. You really have no idea. 

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Adoption is Complicated

“Honestly adopting kids is something I’ve always wanted to do. Yes having your own baby is beautiful, and I would wanna experience it. But I feel like taking someone in who don’t have no one so they can feel loved is so outstanding and is just as pure, ya feel.”

My cousin posted this on her Facebook page. Besides the atrocious grammar issues, it really rubbed me the wrong way. In light of November being National Adoption Awareness month I decided to not scroll on by and let it go. Instead I said the following “I understand the sentiment of this, however there are some difficulties in what is said. One, my children are my own. We don't share biology, but they are my children. Two, they are not "someone who don't have no one" this makes them sound like stray animals. They were not unwanted or unloved before they came to me. It's more complicated than that. The "outstanding" and "pure" feeling is probably not how adoptees would describe adoption. It is much more complex. The thing no one includes in quotes is the loss. My children suffered a terrible loss when they came to my home. It shouldn't be over-looked. Sorry, it's national adoption awareness month and I just wanted some reality to be attached to a quote like this....”

She didn’t respond, which doesn’t surprise me, but I think if anyone is going to promote adoption they should do it with their eyes wide-open to reality. There are beautiful sides to adoption but there are also hard truths that can’t be overlooked. I love my children, I’m glad they are my children, but in order for that to happen they had to be removed from their mother and that should never be forgotten.   

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Vehicle Freedom

Last month we went on two long-distance trips without Primero. Columbus Day weekend we took a trip to visit Esperanza in Buffalo. I have been missing her and while she keeps saying she will come down for a visit, it doesn’t happen. So, I found a relatively cheap AirBnB so we drive the six hours to visit her. Primero was supposed to go along with us, but he “forgot” to ask off and then couldn’t find anyone to replace him. So, I braved the trip by myself with much miss-giving. The kids did really good on our trip to Virginia Beach in August and the distance was about the same.

We had a beautiful, crisp autumn morning when we set out. At first, Love Bug did really good, thinking we would soon be there. After a short time, however, he lost his patience. We were not quite half-way into our journey, but I promised to stop and get something to eat. Love Bug napped a bit after we ate but was impatient and screaming when he woke up. The drive was gorgeous due to the leaves being in peak color in northern Pennsylvania and New York.

The ironic thing was, I had gotten a new phone the night before our trip because my old phone would not charge in the van. I discovered the morning we were leaving that my new phone was not compatible with any of the charging cords, so I couldn’t charge it either. Thankfully, the battery was on 9% by the time we reached our destination.

I had never stayed in an AirBnB before. We actually staying in a bedroom in the apartment of two men. We had our own bathroom, but the rest of the space was shared. It was a little awkward. Thankfully, the men were understanding with my children. They were not the least bit awkward, chatting and exploring and just being themselves. For me, it felt like more work trying to keep my kids in check the entire time. Luckily, it wasn’t a very long visit, just two nights.

Since Buffalo is close to Niagra, we decided to spend a day exploring the park and seeing the falls. Primero and I had visited the falls the last time we were in Buffalo to pick up Esperanza but we did not spend much time there. So, there was a special ticket which allowed us to visit the aquarium, museum, ride the Maid of the Mist and see the movie about the falls. If I had been by myself I would have spent a lot more time at each location, but Love Bug does not have that kind of patience. He almost didn’t go on the boat because he was afraid. It was such an awesome experience. You can really feel the power of the water on the boat as the mist pelts your face. It would have been a little more enjoyable if it has been a little warmer, but it was still so cool. We got pretty close to both falls and got pretty wet despite our bright pink ponchos. Mostly, we just had a great time being with Esperanza.

It was a little strange to go from being in her sparsely furnished apartment and back to the more elegant apartment where we were staying. We were definitely swinging between two different economic classes. Esperanza’s boyfriend didn’t want to buy much furniture until they find a more permanent place. So, we had the choice to stand or sit on the floor. The floor they explained had been covered in trash just a few months prior when they first moved in. Our visit ended abruptly when Esperanza’s boyfriend and his brother started smoking pot. Esperanza got very angry at them and said she was going to throw the brother, his girlfriend and their baby out because she felt it was disrespectful. She begged us to come back in the morning to say good-bye before we headed home. She didn’t want us to leave on a bad note.

I’m proud of Esperanza for making her way the best she knows how. I know things could have been easier for her if she had been willing to accept more help, but I also know she needs to go things her own way. I’m not sure how great the relationship is with her boyfriend, but I didn’t say anything. She is working an taking care of herself, which is good. She might come visit us for the holidays. I promised to pick her up in Philly, if she can get the bus or train there. I’m so glad we finally have a vehicle that can get us places when we want to go.

A few weeks after our visit to Buffalo we headed south to visit my sister. The trip wasn’t nearly as long, but more stressful because traffic anywhere near DC is a nightmare. We had a nice visit with my sister including a visit to the Air and Space museum near Dulles airport that has a full-size real (like it has been in space! More than once!) space shuttle. They were celebrating Halloween so it was much busier than usual but there was also more fun things for the kids, like candy and robots. My brother-in-law had gotten pumpkins for the kids to decorate and then we watched the Toy Story 4 movie. We left the next morning after breakfast and building Love Bug’s Lego space shuttle. It was a little stressful Sunday morning because the kids were too full of energy and not listening. It makes it hard for me to enjoy myself because I feel like I’m just running interference to make sure the kids don’t do something that sours our trip or worse, our relationship with our hosts. Hopefully, we will be able to visit my sister a little more often, now that we don’t have the added expense of a rental car.