Better Not Being Alone

In the beginning of the quarantine I debated with myself if I was better off having the kids here with me or if I would have been better off alone. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I was happier with the kids being here, even if they drove me bonkers with their demands and incessant fighting. I wasn't alone and lonely. I was talking to a friend on messenger last night about and issue with my neighbors (possible domestic violence issues). I asked how she was doing and she said, since she is working her kids have to be with their fathers and it hurts so much to not be with her kids, especially since her daughter is only 10 months old. But, she needs to keep them safe, so she is making the sacrifice. Reading what she wrote made me feel so sad and grateful once again to be home with my kids. Even during our difficult times.


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Posting Once Again

I don't know why I stopped writing. It's not like I didn't need this space or found a better way of working through things. Maybe I just got tired? In any event, I am not utterly abandoning this space and want to return and make the time to continue writing about the struggles and the beauty of adoption and infertility.

We have had endured some challenging times during this extended lockdown. The last Wednesday in April I got so upset (at something rather trivial) I left the house for two hours. I just walked out sobbing and drove around sobbing until somehow I found my way back home. Only, I didn't want to go home. I needed two friends to talk me into going home. In the end, I only returned because I needed to use the bathroom (and had no mask to use a public restroom) and needed to charge my phone. I hid in my bedroom until it was time to make dinner. The day ended with all four of us making dinner together and all was right with the world.

The children have been doing zoom calls for therapy. I have been doing therapy over the phone, as has Primero and my women's empowerment group has been meeting via Zoom as well. I hide in my van, since there really is no privacy in my house. Primero sits with the kids, reluctantly. He is not working (arcade places are not essential).

The things we are doing well:

1. Taking time outside (when it is not raining)
2. Not worrying too much about school or work and stopping those activities by dinnertime.
3. Trying to stay in touch (the kids have been video chatting with their family)
4. Spending quality time together (we developed a "mom night" for the kids, where they take turns staying up with me while their sibling goes to bed - to give them each some one-on-one time with me and break from one another)
5. Staying home
6. Trying new things

Things we could improve:

1. Primero could spend more time with the people living in this home and less time with the virtual people
2. Anxiety (especially for Love Bug)
3. Primero spent the night with his sister-in-law this past weekend
4. Having a little more grace with one another
5. We could be doing a little more school work the teachers have worked so hard on sending to us
6. Mom could have a little more patience. Ok, we all could.





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The Quarantine Life

Today is day four. As of right now, my estimated return-to-work date is March 31st. But, we were instructed to bring home a month worth of work. I dreaded this as the dominos began falling last week. First, the schools closed for two weeks. We suspended in-person orientations at work and were given permission to telework for the counties already affected by closures. Then Monday the governor issued closures for all non-essential employees. We were being forced to work from home. Our daycare declared they would stay open unless or until the CDC forced them to close. That came Monday evening. Tuesday morning I had some last minute loose ends to wrap up at work. Primero reluctantly stayed with the kids but I was home before lunchtime. Our quarantine had begun. I took Tuesday afternoon to work out a schedule for me and the little ones. They need structure now more than ever. I quickly decided we would keep our week-day sleep schedule; up at 7:30 am (I am usually up earlier, but I will be ok when it is time to go back) and to bed by 8:30 pm (11 for me). I try to focus the kids on some form of school work in the morning. I don't push for too much, just a little bit to engage their minds. We've watched a lot of educational videos about all kinds of random things, from the Titanic to asteroids, sharks, spiders, camels, and trains (of course). I have a lot of goals for myself to accomplish, one of them being a deep clean of the house. And getting caught up on all kinds of things. But, I still have to work. And trying to keep the kids occupied is a full-time endeavor. We picked up learning packets from school today (they are handing out free lunches and breakfasts for a few hours each day - we go mostly so the kids can have some form of connection to the school and to see staff they miss). I have to make a plan for next week. This is not a vacation! And there are rumors of the kids not returning to school at all (I guess that has happened in other states)! I truly hope that is not the case because I have no idea what I will do. Two weeks is about all I can handle! There are also rumors of the quarantine lasting longer than two weeks. I sincerely hope that is not the case. Yesterday our governor basically shut down the whole state. All business except those considered life critical, are being forced to close or face fines. I am trying to not focus too much on the greater implications to all of this. I need to focus on just keeping us all going and not losing it to a total mutiny. This is not easy!

New Decade

Sometime just before the new year began, I realized this is the start of a new decade. I guess I knew, but I didn’t gutturally know; the deep, feeling knowing. I usually reflect over the last year as the calendar closes in on the new year. But, this year I thought about the last decade. Ten years ago I was still married. Ten years ago I thought I could get pregnant. Ten years ago I was such a different person than I am right now. The last ten years have definitely been the hardest of my life. I lost my marriage and hope of a biological child. I lost the idea of how I thought my life would go, how I thought things would be. But, the last ten years also brought me to motherhood. It made me stronger, it made me think more and dream a little less. I started writing a new story from the one I envisioned in 2010. In the next ten years I am hoping to find more balance and less-hardship. But, if the last ten years has taught me nothing else, no matter what I will get through the bad and there will always be good.

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Holiday's are Hard

Last Tuesday morning started out like all other weekday mornings. Only, when I woke up, I realized that Love Bug never came into my bedroom. I was alone in my bed. Maybe he was so tired, he had gone to bed late both nights over the weekend, so maybe he slept through the night. Win for Mom! I noticed Chica Marie was sleeping on my floor, which was seemed unusual, but I didn’t give it too much thought. I got up and went to put the dogs outside. We have a new foster dog. He is a Pomsky (Pomeranian-Husky) we named Winter. As I closed the door I heard someone whimpering, “Mommy?” I turned and saw the kids bedroom door was closed. Love Bug was trapped in their bedroom! The doorknob to the kids bedroom has been broken for a long time, and I got sick of replacing it. So, the door only opens from the outside. I opened the door and Love Bug flew into my arms, sobbing incoherently. He had been trapped in their room all night and I never heard him calling me. He was drenched in sweat and his own pee and trembling from fear and cold. I took him to the bathroom and pealed his soaked pajamas off of him while trying to comfort him as he continued to babble. I ran a warm bath with bubbles and encouraged him to soak to warm up. Soon, he began making sense, expressing his fear from the night being locked alone in their bedroom. For a full 15 minutes I could not leave his side. After he was bathed and his fear subsided, he went to sleep in my bed for a few minutes. Fortunately, he has been doing ok since this incident, but he is more adamant than ever that he needs to sleep in my bed.

The day went on, as they tend to do, but with Murphy at the helm. It was the CHOR Christmas party and the kids were so excited to go. Love Bug picked out a suit, with a tie, and he was tickled pink to wear his “handsome outfit.” We had a nice time at the party and came home just after 8 to find the dog had gotten into the trash. Not only was there rubbish all over the kitchen floor, but there were coffee grounds and left-over chocolate goop from creating chocolate covered pretzels. It was all smeared across the floor in a brown-black sticky mush that took an incredibly long time and various methods to clean up. I was exhausted and sent the kids to bed as soon as the floor was traversable.

I thought my night was over after sending Primero off with his friends to spend the night with them. I brushed my teeth and washed my face, preparing for bed. It was only after I washed my face that I realized my face lotion was missing. I searched for it in the bathroom but did not find it. Perplexed, I called Primero to see if he knew where it might have gone. He has this aggravating habit of taking something down to his bedroom to use it and not putting it back. “Oh a friend asked if I had any face lotion so I took it for them to use.” Are you kidding me?! “There wasn’t that much left.” It was the last of what I had and plenty for me to use that night. I was enraged. His inconsiderate act just boiled my blood and I snapped. Keep in mind, this is not the first time nor even the fifty-first time he has taken something and placed it elsewhere or left with it and I cannot find it when I want to use it. I lost my temper and stormed into his bedroom to reclaim all of my stuff. I found my eye pencil sharpener that had gone missing a few days ago. I found 5 nail clippers of various sizes. I found the sewing kit, the iron, and the body measuring tape I could not find a month ago. I carried three piles of found items back upstairs. I sent Primero photos of what I was taking, so it was on the up and up. I took his Ipod, stupidly, mostly just to piss him off. He came home screaming at me that I had no right to take anything and flung my face lotion at me. It was all my fault, you see. I crossed a line when I took stuff from his room, but it is perfectly fine for him to take things. My things. “Well, I never went into your room!” he yelled at me. I have always respected his room. But, he cannot continue taking my things and maintain my respect. If I crossed a line, he ran through it first. Sadly, things have not recovered between me and Primero. We had another blow up Friday night and haven’t spoken since then. I wish it didn’t, but this time of year stresses me out so much I’m beginning to dread it. Thankfully, it is soon over.

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Wrestling Momma

Love Bug started wrestling. His first practice was the week before Thanksgiving. He was really excited to go but then refused to go in the gym when we got there. I coaxed him through it and it has been a grueling process every single practice. I am with him for the duration of practice, trying to help him to focus and learn; I even sometimes get down on the mat, trying to show him what the coaches just explained. It is exhausting. Plus, I know next to nothing about wrestling! The coaches are great with him, but there are a lot of players and not enough coaches, so he doesn’t get as much time with them as necessary. I think he has anxiety about finding a partner to try the moves with. Last week we had found a nice little girl who was on her game and would demand Love Bug cooperate. I think, after seeing how hard it was to get Love Bug to join in, her parents told her to find a different partner. She refused to practice with Love Bug the last time we were there. I understand, from her parents perspective, they want her to learn which she cannot do if Love Bug refuses to do the moves. But, my heart aches for my little boy, who just needs some extra understanding to get it. Really, he might be more cooperative if he had a friend he feels comfortable doing the moves with. Getting along with peers is hard for him. He does really well with the coaches and then freezes up with the kids his age and size. The coaches think he has some natural talent and I think he would really like the sport if he could just learn the moves. I wish he could make a friend so he would feel comfortable learning the moves. But, that will take time and in the meantime, I have to try to help him as best as I can.

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Flying from the Nest

Lately I have been missing the not-so-long ago days when Primero used to sit on the couch with me at night and we would watch TV and show each other memes and things we found online. It has turned into an ache as he starts approaching the landing strip to fly out of the nest. He spends a lot of time working and some time going to school. When he isn't working or in class, he is with friends or on his phone alone in his bedroom. The disconnect is natural, at this point in his life. I just wasn't ready for it. My heart aches for by-gone times that I cannot get back. So, I try to take what I can get. It does hurt my heart sometimes when the little ones express missing him. They feel the disconnect as well. But, one day they will be the ones prepping for that leap from home, so it's best I show them this is all ok, just another stage in life. 

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