Birthday Party Re-cap

We had a small birthday party on Sunday to celebrate Love Bug’s second birthday. Last year I went crazy and it was so stressful, so this year I kept it low-key. I invited only family and a few friends and held the bash in our backyard. I asked my mom and aunt to bring side salad dishes and I supplied hot dogs, hamburgers, some chips and a fruit salad, plus soda. It was still a lot of work, getting the flower beds cleaned out and getting the backyard presentable. Primero grumbled about me “doing too much” when I was trying to get everything ready on Saturday. We had picked up Mini Momma to spend the night with us and to be there for the party. After getting almost everything completed on Saturday, we picked up Esperanza and went to the pool. We had more to do, cleaning the inside of the house and running some errands, on Sunday morning. Again, Primero complained but helped out, to a certain degree. As the party began Primero refused to come outside in the backyard. And thus began the struggle between us.

 

I do too much for Primero. That has become blazingly obvious. I allow his biological family to interrupt our lives way too often. Sunday I didn’t, Sunday I actually said no. I know the party for Love Bug was lame to Primero. There wasn’t any loud music, no one was play fighting with anyone else, there weren’t any rowdy conversations and no one made a big pot of beans and rice. Sadly, Primero stayed in the house most of the time, refusing to interact with the other guests or join in anyway. He ate his dinner on the stairs to the back porch and only participated in singing to Love Bug and feeding him cake because by then he had planned on leaving to go to his uncle’s place to sit with his cousin. In fact, even after I told him no, his uncle showed up at our place and I had to turn him away. No, I’m sorry Primero is not leaving his party to sit with his cousin he hasn’t seen in x amount of years just because she happens to be in town. No, just no. We are his family too and he needs to stop treating us like second-class. Primero’s family has the tendency to contact him last minute for a visit because they only happen to be in town for a hot minute and he just needs to drop everything and rush to wherever they are. No. It’s not ok. And Primero cannot be expected to drop and run every time he is called. I was angry and I think his uncle knew it. I was more forceful than I have ever been because my anger loosened my tongue. This is something I need to talk to Primero about, I just needed a moment to cool down and come at it calmly.

 

Am I wrong? Am I wrong to be angry that Primero wanted to leave Love Bug’s party to sit with his cousin? Add another layer to this story, Monday was the 6^th anniversary of his uncle’s passing, the father to the cousin he was supposed to visit on Sunday. Love Bug has the misfortune to be born on the day Primero lost the man who was the closest thing to a father to him as a child. But, should that mean that Primero gets a pass to be absent from celebrating Love Bug’s birthday? I very much feel like Primero would drop everything, including us, to appease his biological family. When he is older and making all his own decisions, he will have to decide if he wants to continue living that way. But, for right now, it cannot continue to disrupt our lives. If we are not important to Primero, if he cannot give Love Bug a day, just one day, then we need to reconsider priorities. Sadly, when I bring anything up about his family, Primero gets so very defensive and shuts down the conversation. So, when I talked to him about things Monday night (before he went to his uncles I might add), there were a lot of pauses and moments when I calmly told him he was making faces while I was speaking. Eventually, it came down to Primero wanting to ALWAYS says yes to his family because he feels like he doesn’t see them that often since he lives with us 24/7. What I thought about later was, they had 14 years with him and I’ve only had a little over 2. So, while he might live with us now, if you count all the hours, we certainly haven’t had the same amount of time. Regardless, I shall try to keep in mind how Primero feels he never spends enough time with his biological family and perhaps, worries that he will lose touch if he doesn’t acquiesce every time he is asked to attend. He made mention that he felt caught between two families and I told him that’s not what this is about, no one is in competition and we are all even. I made mention of how we are melding three families into one, since the little one’s family deserves as much attention as his own. I guess all I can do is keep doing what I’m doing to help Primero feel more secure in not losing his biological family.

Family Ties

Last weekend Primero and I picked strawberries for my mom to make jelly. We took the berries to the market so my dad could take them home and put them through the press. Last year we didn’t get the berries to my dad in time and they were gross and got thrown away. A lot of wasted money and a mistake I did not wish to repeat. My mom was at the market when we stopped in so I sat and talked to her for a bit. I’m not sure how the conversation started, but at one point she said, “Your dad and I hope you think long and hard before adopting Chica Marie. We think she is going to be a problem child as she gets older.” Sigh. My mom is not Chica Marie’s biggest fan because she is defiant and not well-behaved. I get it, Chica Marie does get under my skin from time to time. But, she has lived with us for nearly 2 years. She is connected to us as a family and is settled and stable, for the most part. She is part of our family and I know there would be a Chica Marie sized hole if she wasn’t there. Am I signing myself up for a lifetime of difficulties? I don’t know. No one knows how their child will be as a teenager. Some really great parents have some pretty awful teens and vice versa. Just because Chica Marie is a defiant little girl now doesn’t mean she will be a defiant teenager. She might mellow out as she ages and as she works through her early traumas in therapy. I know there will always be services available for us, which will help out if she is the same at 15 as she is at 5. Chica Marie does have some redeeming qualities too! She can be very sweet and caring. She has a fantastic memory and she’s very observant. She is smart and charming when she wants to be. She is attached to Primero and Love Bug and me. Why should she be ripped away from all of that? Sadly, my mom didn’t understand all of this. So, I told her the only thing she could understand. Chica Marie and Love Bug are a package deal. If Chica Marie goes then so will Love Bug and there’s no way I could handle that at all. My mom seemed angry at this, but she understood, at least I think she did.

 

We were talking the day before Love Bug’s birthday party and my mom made mention of the items saved from my childhood that are stashed in her attic. We were talking about a particular toy that my mom claimed to be saving for grandchildren, but said, “I guess you should take it, since I won’t be getting any grandchildren.” I think she meant she won’t be having any biological grandchildren, but I responded by reminding her  she does indeed have grandchildren. She has one (Primero) and two on the way (Chica Marie and Love Bug). She didn’t comment on my proclamation she just continued on with the conversation. I think my mom is still struggling with my infertility. I don’t think she has yet come to terms with the fact that her grandbabies are not going to be genetically related to her. I guess I can understand her reticence regarding Primero, it’s tough getting a brand-spanking new teenage grandchild replete with facial hair and bad music, but I thought the little ones would soften her stance. I know she was so hurt about losing the other little boy, who was just a hair younger than Love Bug when he left, but it’s safe to fall in love with these kids! It’s totally ok to be the grandma and spoil them and I keep waiting for that to happen and it just doesn’t. I’ve always thought my kids would be close to my parents like I was close to my grandparents, but I don’t see that happening. During Love Bug’s birthday party my family and I were discussing the no kids policy at my sister’s wedding and my cousin, more than anyone else, asserted and recognized how these kiddos are part of the family – more so than my parents have ever done. In fact, when we were dropping off the strawberries it was the first time I ever heard my father refer to Primero as his grandson. And it only took 6 months post adoption! It makes me sad, but I soldier on. My three kids feel like my kids, I love them as my own and I keep hoping for my parents to catch up. I just hope my parents will support me, even if they don’t agree with my decision to adopt Chica Marie. And I hope someday they will see all three kids as a part of their family.

Happy Birthday Love Bug #Microblog Monday

Today Love Bug is two years old – two! I cannot believe it! I was so fearful in the beginning that I wouldn’t get to celebrate any birthdays with him and here we are at number two. Love Bug is such a delight and so loveable. I am so blessed to have him in my life, so crazy in love with his smile and his hugs. He is really the best hugger! I still pinch myself when I think about how lucky I am to be raising him, to have had him with me his entire life. I can’t fathom my life without him and yet, I know nothing is a given in foster care. I look forward to watching him grow and wishing he was tiny again for just a moment because he’s my baby boy.

 

Can I just tell you how darn cute Love Bug is? I can’t share photos but I can paint a picture for you with my words. Love Bug is looking less like a toddler and more like a little boy, but I suspect he will hold onto his baby face for a while longer. His cuteness is more than his gap-toothed smile and long, thick eyelashes, it is in how inquisitive he is and how he loves. I was holding him the other night and Chica Marie was sitting beside me. She leaned over and gave me a kiss on my cheek. Love Bug did not want to be out done so he leaned in for me to kiss him on the forehead. Chica Marie gave me another kiss and this time lingered with her lips on my cheek. Love Bug tried to push her away while grabbing my face and planting a big wet kiss on my lips. It was about the most precious thing you could imagine!

 

Most nights Love Bug wakes up and ends up in bed with me. I have given up the fight to get him back to his own bed and just live with his toes wedged firmly between my ribs or vertebra. On the weekends, when I wish to sleep in, Love Bug wakes me up in various forms. Generally, he flops himself on me saying, “Ninny!” This is his name for me. I don’t know why, because he can say mama, but he calls me Ninny. Sometimes, he whispers my name until I open my eyes, sometimes he crawls on top of me and doesn’t say a word. One morning, I woke up to his lips pressed firmly to mine as if he thought to wake me with true love's kiss. Lately, he has been saying, “Hi Ninny!” when he wakes up in lieu of good morning. If I don’t rouse when he tries to wake me, he will slide off the bed and explore the living room and get into trouble there until I wake up to access the damage. Many mornings he will find his sister in her room and wake her to join him in his escapades.

 

Love Bug is still struggling with his speech, but we are seeing improvements. His speech therapist was pleased with him saying the word “please” more clearly. Sure he still says “pwease” but that’s an improvement over “peas.” He is also stuck on the word “hot” because one morning I had made him oatmeal and he was angry he couldn’t eat it right away. I was trying to convey to him it was hot and thus could burn his mouth if he tried to eat it. I was stirring and blowing on the oatmeal saying, “Hot Love Bug, it’s hot!” I guess that was all it took because hot became his new favorite word! His toddler speak is quite adorable!

 

So, I am wishing a very Happy Birthday to my dear sweet Love Bug and may he have many, many more!

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Summer Bucket List

Summer Bucket List:

 

So, I took the Myers Briggs personality test and discovered I am an ENFP. Basically, I am a dreamer who relishes freedom and creativity. And, yes I do, to a certain extent. I know for a fact I have a penchant for exploring new exciting places and I do tend to dream big, even if I don’t follow through on it (which is a trait of an ENFP, apparently). So my Summer Bucket list is a wishful list as much as a guide to what to do this summer.

 

1. National Parks - It’s the 100^th anniversary of the park service in the US and I would like to celebrate by seeing a few national parks in our state. Something, I’m sad to say, I have never done with any of my foster kids. A friend of mine had posted a list of waterfalls that one could see in a weekend trip. I was thinking that might be fun and it would include National Parks. This might require getting a back-pack I can wear to carry Love Bug….
2. Caves - In addition to National Parks, I sort of have a hankering for spelunking. Well, not the real kind, more of the guided tour type of cave exploration. A few summers ago when I took Primero to West Virginia, we visited two caves and I was hooked. Sure, I’ve been to the cave near us (Crystal Springs), but there are two others I’ve been wanting to visit, including Indian Echo Caverns and Penn’s Cave (which is actually seen from a boat, since the cave is submerged). 
3. Lake Tobias - My parents took me and one of my little guys to Lake Tobias a few years ago and it was a very enjoyable experience. We talked about going last year but my mom felt Love Bug was too young. This year I think he would be into it more, so I’m hoping we can all go together.
4. Amusement parks – I love roller coasters. Love. Them! This trip would require another adult or two, since the little ones can’t (and probably won’t) ride the big roller coasters. Actually, this might be a trip for just me and Primero….
5. Beach - Primero is working this summer, but I was thinking of taking a few days to go down the shore the week before school starts. We’ll have to see if I can save enough vacation days from work until then.
6. Fairs – When I was in 4-H I showed at all of the local fairs and even some not-so-local fairs. I haven’t really been back as a spectator, but I would like to take the kids this year because the little guy is old enough to enjoy and Chica Marie liked the Farm Show we attended in January.
7. Staycation in Doubletree  – There is a new hotel in town and every time we drive by it Primero exclaims how pretty the rooms look (you can see inside through various windows) and how he wants to stay there. I agreed we could spend a staycation night in the hotel and have secretly booked a room for an overnight the beginning of July. It might be silly, since the hotel is maybe an 8 minute drive from our home, but the change of scenery can feel like a vacation, plus I got brunch for all of us included with the room, so I don’t have to make breakfast!
8. SkyZone  – This trampoline Park hosts Family Nights on Wednesday evenings, so we could all jump for an hour and share a pizza and 4 soft drinks ($45). I think this would be great fun! They also have a Glow Zone Friday nights, but the little ones would probably be frightened since it’s under black lights.
9. Dutch Springs – This place looks awesome!  A friend mentioned it on Facebook and I looked it up to find it is some sort of reservoir where they put big inflatable toys in the water, like slides and trampolines, for everyone to have fun. They also offer scuba diving, but that’s not something we can all do together, so we will probably just stick with the inflatables. This might be combined with the waterfall hiking trip, since they are in close proximity. We could make it a weekend excursion!

Orlando

Too often things don’t become real until they are happening to you or someone you love. I’m not a person who has ever been involved in any Gay Pride events or any similar events. I would also not be the person protesting such events. In general, I’ve just avoided the topic. I’ve posted before about my mixed feelings on the matter. After hearing about the horrendous shooting in Orlando I’m feeling uneasy about my position on the sidelines. I haven’t really sought out information on the shooting, just knowing about it saddens me enough. But, what I do know is that many of the victims were young and Hispanic. Just like my son. And while he might not be old enough to get into any clubs right now, that day is not too far on the horizon. Pulse certainly could be the type of place my son might frequent once he is of age. And that scares me to death. He is a beautiful, caring, enigmatic young man with so much life to live. To think his light could be snuffed out by someone hell-bent on hatred and destruction is sickening. I don’t want my son to become a victim. I don’t want to have to shake with fear that he might simply be on a night out excursion, the very same type of thing I did as a young adult, and meet his end at the hands of madman who hates him for no reason at all. My son is bi-sexual but that isn’t all he is, that isn’t who he is. And it certainly isn’t something that should claim his life. I don’t understand this hatred, I don’t understand the desire to harm and kill other human beings, no matter their sexual preferences. I don’t want to see the news, I don’t want to wake up and hear about another mass shooting because some crazy person thinks they have a right to kill another human being. I don’t want my son walking around this world with a target on his back because he likes boys and girls and he is self-described as flamboyant. This cannot keep happening! Beautiful young lives should not be extinguished because someone is too dogmatic to see they are human too. I love me son. I want him to have a good, long life. I fear, in this world, that might not be possible and that is about the most demoralizing thing I’ve ever thought. Things need to change! Disagreeing with someone, no matter the issue, should never equate a death sentence.     

Like Old Times

So I opted to not attend my sisters bachelorette event this past weekend, despite having respite for the little ones. I worried about taking my van on the journey because I didn’t want to worry about having it towed home. I worried about the amount of money it would have cost since it was two nights in an Airbnb, the gas for the drive, food, a spa treatment, and a winery tour. Not to mention the social tensions since I don’t really know any of the other girls all that well and I don’t particularly like the other bridesmaid. Sigh. I feel bad about not going, but I think ultimately it was the best decision for me.

 

Since we were sans kids, Primero and I made the most of our weekend together. Friday night we took Chica Marie to see Finding Dory, while Love bug was with the other foster family. When we drove back to drop Chica Marie off the foster mom mentioned having a hard time with Love Bug because he cried all the time and wanted to be held. She had him sleeping on blankets in the living room when we got there. It was hard to leave him with his sweet little sleeping face turned towards me, but we did. Chica Marie also reacted by clinging to me when Primero and I tried to leave. She rarely does this, so I think it was mostly because she was tired, but it has been some time since they spent the night at another foster home, so I guess she was just worked up about it. She was a handful for the other family, being defiant and speaking rudely to the other members of the family. Usually she is good in respite but I had forgotten to pack her meds, so she was probably feeling off. And I feel really terrible about that!

 

Saturday morning Primero and I got up early to wait in line at the DMV for him to take his second permit test. We were there for around 2 hours before he was finally able to take the test and pass, thankfully! We celebrated by getting brunch at our local diner. Then, we drove, I mean Primero drove, us to the orchard to pick strawberries so my parents can make strawberry jelly (this is how we work it out – I pick the berries and they make the jelly!). We dropped the berries off at the market with my dad and my mom was there too so we visited for a bit.

 

The night before Primero had talked to Esperanza and wanted her to spend the day with us, but she struggles with insomnia and didn’t fall asleep until 5 in the morning. He spoke with her while we were at the market and she said she needed a ride to work, since that had been our plan and she had no other way of getting there. I agreed and we set off to visit the local art on the avenue event. Primero drove and was having trouble getting into the parking space. We were having a minor disagreement over his parking abilities when Esperanza called. She said she didn’t need a ride to work because she wasn’t going in. She needed to help her sister (on her dad’s side, so not a sibling related to Primero) because her boyfriend was abusing her again. We offered to pick Esperanza up to take her to her sister’s place but by the time we got there the issue had been resolved. So Esperanza came over to spend the night, bringing her little kitten with her.

 

We took Esperanza to work and ran some more errands, including getting Primero a haircut, finding a new purse for me, and getting some new summer clothes for both of us. Soon it was time to pick up Esperanza and Primero had planned for us to play laser tag or ride go-carts at a local place that offers both restaurant and night club, plus an arcade, go-karts and new trampoline area. I wasn’t too keen on going to the arcade after dinner, but it turned out to be So. MUCH. FUN! I found a GIANT Fruit Ninja game and plunked myself down to play several matches. I then challenged my former beer pong skills at an eerily similar game called Sink it. I found Primero and Esperanza playing Deal or No Deal and we got so into the game (I won 101 tickets but my brief case had 200 tickets!) we were cheering like maniacs! The kids played some motorcycle came while I killed at Skeeball. And then they talked me into this 3D zombie movie/game which scared the holy Hannah outta me! But, it was FUN! We cashed in our tickets and I let Primero drive part of the way home, after stopping off at Wawa for some drinks and grabbing a Redbox movie.

 

Sunday morning we went out to brunch with my dad then went to the pool for a bit before taking Esperanza to work and then picking up the kids. Primero and I noted how often we talk about the kids and miss them when they aren’t around and yet how we often times wish for them to go away when we are with them! We caught ourselves talking about the little ones while picking strawberries on Saturday and pondered why we tended to mention them when they weren’t around. Love Bug was very anxious to see me and he babbled to me the whole ride home. Chica Marie was also happy to be back home, but not on her best behavior. We didn’t have much time with them Sunday night before they needed to get to bed, but I did get some extra Love Bug snuggles before he zonked out.

 

After Esperanza had left, Primero commented on how good it was to spend time with her. “Like old times,” he said. I agreed it was nice to have her over and said I hope we could continue to do that over the summer. Primero still worries about his sister after everything that happened. I know he wishes things could truly go back to how they are, so I’m trying to show him how the new normal could also work. He knows I encourage him to spend time with his siblings and I include them whenever I can. I was glad we had such a nice time together and I do truly hope the fun times can continue this summer.  

 

All-in-all it was a pretty great weekend!

First Time Driving #Microblog Monday

Do you remember the first time you drove a car? I vividly remember driving my dad’s farm truck on the public road for the first time. It was HARD! I had been driving the truck around the farm for several months, practicing backing it up to the barn to retrieve hay for the livestock and 4-H animals. But, driving a truck on a dirt road is not the same as driving on macadam – it’s a totally different experience! The driveway on the farm is nearly a mile long, so I had plenty of space to bounce around before hitting the state road. The morning I convinced my dad to let me drive to the MOPS event in a local church where I volunteered, I was so psyched! I felt so grown, pulling that truck out onto the paved road! But, when I did, the wheel felt so loose that I struggled to keep the truck between the lines on the road. I tried to accelerate, but felt like anything above 25 mph made the wheels wobble too much, so we crept along. What should have been a 10-15 minute drive stretched into 30 minutes as I tried to calm my sweaty palms and palpitating heart. I was so thankful to reach our destination and so defeated that my first driving experience was so much harder than I thought it would be! Fortunately, as happens with most things, I got better with practice and eventually felt comfortable driving.

 

Primero got his driving permit on Saturday, after failing the test the first time. He was so stoked! I discovered I didn’t need to add him to my insurance until he gets his license, so he was able to drive right away. (Funny side story – the first time I asked to drive my parents told me they needed to add me to their insurance and that it would take time, so I think I had my permit a week or longer before they let me drive. Come to find out that the whole insurance thing was probably not true….) So, I let Primero drive. He drove us to the orchard to pick strawberries and then back home. He drove us to pick up his sister and he even drove at night! Last night, after a few more miles on the road, Primero admitted that driving wasn’t as fun as he thought it was going to be. I smiled to myself, remembering feeling that same way many moons ago.    

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