Doubting and What If

I had written an account of our Thanksgiving meals and I will probably still post that, but there has been something else bouncing around in my brain that I need to get out. My mom and I have been on the outs since the incident in September. We really haven’t spoken to one another, which made Thanksgiving awkward because my mom basically refused to talk to me, or even look at me for that matter. On Saturday, my aunt (my mom’s best friend) shared something I had posted on my Facebook the previous year, expressing my thankfulness for my family, including my parents. She captioned it by stating she hoped it was ok she shared it, but she felt it was a good time to do so. I replied that I didn’t mind she was sharing it (she was mentioned, after all) and that the sentiments are the same now as they were last year, to which my mom tagged me and replied, “Really???”  I read it and immediately text my sister telling her “Mom is starting shit on Facebook.” I then tagged her back and said, “Yes, really.” But, I knew, if there was any hope for peace on Earth, I would need to call her.

 

So, I stewed for a bit, then swallowed my pride and called her once the little ones were down for their naps. The conversation lasted over 90 minutes and went from terse comments to downright shouting and ended with mundane family conversation and maybe a truce. I think, some of it was my mom wanted to be heard and some of it is the same shit I will always hear from her. At one point, when I brought up my kids and she said, “Oh my god!” in a rather offensive way and then went on to explain how she thinks I’m crazy for being a foster parent, for agreeing to adopt such “difficult” children but if I’m happy then it doesn’t matter what she thinks, I just knew she was never, not ever, going to accept my children as her grandchildren. At least not in the way she would accept a biological child. Two things really stick out at me. The first one was what she didn’t say. She made some comment about biological children and I cried, “That’s great but not something I can do!” I sensed her come-back and she started the sentence, but then stopped herself. Still, I heard what she was going to say. She was going to say how it wasn’t the right guy and that I gave up too soon. She did say something about needing a husband to make that happen. I know she thinks I didn’t explore enough medical options when it came to getting pregnant, but my insurance did not (and still does not) cover a lick of infertility treatments, barring some diagnostic testing that could be labeled as general feminine problems. Without insurance coverage there was no way we could afford the $9,000 + one shot at IVF. Plus, it was evident that the infertility treatments had a very negative affect on my emotional well-being. I was probably clinically depressed in those dark days when infertility eclipsed everything else in my entire life. And, let’s face it, there are no guarantees in infertility. So, despite the doctor’s instance that we were good candidates for IVF because we were young and healthy, we could have saved and scraped together 10 grand and still be left childless.

 

On the tail of the words unspoken came an accusation; my mother does not understand why I have three children. In her “what you’re doing is great, but we think you’re stark-raving mad for doing it” spiel she said, more than once, “I don’t know why one wasn’t enough.” As if children are Lays potato chips and I simply couldn’t eat just one, like a glutton I took on three. I didn’t answer her, I did take her bate on the number of children debate. Because I didn’t tell her, again, the story of how the children all ended up with me, she went on to wish I lived more like my single, child-less friends trotting around the world on glorious vacations. Which, ironically, she chides my sister for doing instead of birthing children. Still, the why three question makes me believe my mom, who is herself a mother of three, thinks I can’t handle it or that I’m not grateful for the one child who is mine.     

 

Mostly, these two points of a very long and difficult conversation, prick the very sore spots I try to soothe for myself. Did I not try long enough or explore enough options with infertility? What if we had had the money, would we have a child together? Would we still be together? Am I taking on too much with three kids? Am I being selfish and discontent by adopting more children than just Primero? These what if questions serve little purpose, yet they have been plaguing me with doubt just as a once-healed wound smarts when the scab is torn off. It is especially hurtful to hear someone else doubting your same doubts.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Before my current job, I worked as an admissions counselor in a drug and alcohol rehab for 3 ½ years. I hated the job for a lot of reasons only one of them because I had to hear horrible, heart-breaking stories about people and their loved ones dealing with addiction. It was very hard for me to not take home the residual stress from hearing and documenting these stories day after day, never mind the times we had to call the police because the person on the other end of the phone was about to end their life. I heard a lot of ugly things people did because they were under the influence of drugs or because they needed to get a fix so bad they would do literally anything. And, I didn’t just hear the stories over the phone, I met the individuals when they came into the facility on the worst day of their lives; the day they entered rehab. Some new patients came in so high or so hung-over they could not complete the necessary paperwork for admission. A few people were experiencing the DT’s so bad they had to be sent to the local hospital because their state was more emergent than our small medical staff could handle. I wish I could remember as many success stories as I can the terrible ones, but working in admissions we saw more of the pain and less of the recovery.





While I did go through the drinking phase in college, I never participated in any other indulgences as a teen or young adult. My first experience with people around me smoking pot was when I was in the Peace Corps in Nicaragua. I was invited to a birthday party for a volunteer I didn’t really know but a bunch of my friends were going and so I decided to tag along. We were having a good time, dancing, playing music, having a few drinks, when someone arrived with marijuana. I thought I could just ignore it, keep dancing and everything would be fine, but it soon became apparent that I was going to be the only one not imbibing. So, I left. I walked back to the volunteer’s place (thankfully, the party was being held at her friend’s house). I got myself ready for bed and climbed into the large bed I would be sharing with 2 other women. When the rest of the gang got back, they were high and acting juvenile. They all climbed into the bed with me but wouldn’t settle down and sleep, so it made for a very long and unpleasant night.





You can call me a prude or too conservative, or whatever but I am not a proponent of cannabis. I am also not a fan of drinking copious amounts of alcohol or illicit drug use either. I have seen the destruction of these vices and don’t want to share those similar fates. And I certainly don’t want to be around people using, smoking, drinking to intoxication. I ran into two incidents over the holiday where drug use was happening and I had the little ones with me. The first incident I didn’t know about until afterwards. The second we walked in on, sort of uninvited. I felt uncomfortable and I didn’t want the little ones to be there, but had to complete a task and try not to make a big deal out of it because it’s “just pot.” I find this is a hard thing to navigate – I don’t choose to participate and don’t want to be around it, yet it is thrust upon me due to things outside of my control. And, I don’t live in a state where recreational use is legal, so there’s that added pressure to not be around it for me. As much as it bothered me to walk into a house full of stinky pot smoke, it bothered me even more to know it was happening right under my nose without me knowing about it. Knowing it half the battle, it allows me to make the choice to stay or go. I hate knowing the little children were exposed to this at such a young age and I hope they won’t remember the occasion.    


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"Just" Adopting is Hard

The permanency hearing this morning went better than I had thought it would. There was an awkward moment, while waiting to go into the court room, when mom’s attorney was ranting about CYS. I didn’t hear how the conversation started, but I did hear him mention about a bonding evaluation that would show the children, who haven’t been allowed to visit with their mother, have bonded to their foster parent, “of course.” I cannot tell you how derogatory he sounded, how it seemed like the very word “foster parent” left a foul taste on his tongue. He went on to describe a case he argued in the state Supreme Court about the rights of a father who was incarcerated and not permitted early release due to the words of one parole officer who felt this man was gaming the system. His tirade was cut short by the county case worker announcing we could go into the court room. It’s clear to see that he is all one-sided for paternal rights, which I suppose makes sense since that is his job, to make sure the parents who are his clients get a fair deal. As a foster parent, I just don’t have the luxury of being one-sided and have to see this case and all cases from multiple sides, so I can be engaged in the action and try to stay empathetic towards the parents, who don’t have it easy and make the everyday decisions for what I believe is best for the children. I have to see both sides of the coin, no matter how painful or difficult it might be.

 

Once we were inside the court room things moved fairly quickly. There was a lot of discussion about Mini Momma and how she needs help to understand what is happening because she asked the magistrate when she can see her mom again. The magistrate declared she wouldn’t entertain the idea of visitation simply because there was a date set for TPR, which she wasn’t aware of initially. She said there would be no point for her to make a ruling, only to have it all rehashed at the TPR hearing next month. The mom’s attorney asked about keeping sibling contact, but he asked it in a way that made it sound like Chica Marie and Love Bug would be adopted and Mini Momma would not. This lead the county case worker to believe mom might voluntarily sign-off on TPR for the little ones, but I’m not so sure. There was talk about how Grandma has been pushing for the younger siblings to see and meet their older siblings and how she has managed to make that happen for all but one older sibling. A new permanency hearing was set for the end of April, pending whatever happens in December.

 

After the hearing I spoke with the county case worker about my concerns regarding an older sibling. She seemed to indicate what I had heard from a previous case worker was not correct and there would be no harm in the little ones spending time with their older siblings. I expressed how I am not opposed to those visits and contact but I felt like Grandma went behind my back when she had the kids a few weekends ago because she made no mention to me about her plans, just sent me a picture via text. I would like to know who the children will be exposed to and I too would like to meet their older siblings. I could facilitate visits with the older siblings, if they so choose, once I am able to meet them. But, if Grandma always acts as middle man, that limits the exposure the little ones would have to only when they are visiting Grandma. I think my actions speak for themselves when it comes to sibling visits. I pursued visits with Mini Momma, following her from foster home to foster home, making sure the little ones could still see her. She has spent more than a few weekends at our place and the door is always open for her to be in contact with her younger brother and sister. I can point to many, many examples of visits with Primero and his siblings, including making sure his older brother Hermano got to spend time with his family during holidays when he was in foster care. I mean, my two main baby-sitters are Primero’s oldest brother's girlfriend and his cousin. We spend holidays with Primero’s family, we’ve driven to see his mom, to attend his brother’s baby shower. I literally can do nothing more to prove I support family, especially sibling, involvement. I just think there is a proper way to do it that doesn’t create hard feelings or make it seem duplicitous.

 

So, it seems like the TPR hearing might actually happen next month. The county case worker told me she has over 90 pages of information for the hearing. I’m thankful we do not have to attend that court hearing, especially after the county case worker told me this would go all the way back to the beginning. I’m fairly certain I would sit and sob if I had to be there listening to every little thing that has happened right before and since placement. It is sort of a shitty time for TPR to be happening, just before Christmas, not that there is ever a good time to permanently lose custody of your children. As I knew she would, mom asked me where the kids were when she saw me. I had some pictures I printed out and gave to her, including the school picture for Chica Marie and a drawing she had colored. It certainly doesn’t take the place of seeing her children and I know that and I feel bad for her. Her lawyer brought up Act 101 during the session and I’m sort of surprised it wasn’t mentioned to me previously. My inclination is to do things as naturally as possible and I just don’t like the idea of someone telling me what I must do with the children. Act 101 is a legally enforceable visitation agreement entered into by adoptive parents and biological family. I would rather we agree to be in touch, exchange information and visit as we are able and see fit, so long as mom stays in a healthy place. I don’t really want a set-in-stone agreement stating we MUST see her x amount of times per month or year or whatever. Grandma and I are already in contact and arranging visits as our schedules allow. I don’t feel like we need some legal document telling us to keep doing what we are already doing. I would welcome the little one’s mom to get in touch with me so we could talk about visitations.

 

I’ve been feeling sort of down about adoption lately. I think I have finally come to a place where I am ready to face my own misconceived notions about adoption. I have known, from a young age, that I wanted to adopt. I remember having a conversation with my mom about my aunt who was never able to have children. I remember asking my mom why my aunt and uncle didn’t “just adopt.” I declared, right then and there, if I were ever unable to have children (because, that so wasn’t going to happen to me) I would adopt. When my mom met the woman who is now my nurse midwife, they had a conversation about my willingness to adopt. My mom’s friend, who adopted her daughter from China, gave her a book to give to me; “The Waiting Child” by Cindy Champnella. As a young adult remembering my declaration, this book solidified my decision to adopt. I just assumed things would go as I had planned. I would get married, have 3 children and then when my kids were on the verge of leaving the nest, I would adopt a younger child or two. It seemed so perfect. It’s just not how it happened. Now, nearly a year after my first son was adopted, I have really come to understand the intricacies of “just” adopting. And, while I know it is the right decision for me and I would do it all over again if I had to, it isn’t easy. Sharing your child with people you don’t know is hard. Learning to accept people you don’t always respect is hard. Knowing you family is complicated because there are so many different people with different opinions is hard. Learning to let go of the ideals you had for your family, learning to let go of the moral code you had hoped to instill in your children, is hard. Being ok with raising a child who doesn’t acknowledge your influence in his life and seems eager to be done with you, is hard. Feeling like you might never have sovereign control over your children is hard. Sharing holidays, accepting new traditions and life styles is hard. Witnessing the pain of a child betrayed by family and seeing the heartache of family not raising their biological kin is hard. Explaining to a child seeing their mother is not a good idea is hard. Hearing stories of a tumultuous and difficult past is hard. Staying positive about someone who has made some very poor choices and cannot seem to take responsibility for them is hard. Always being a bigger person, willing to forgive and move forward is hard. Nothing, nothing at all about adoption is easy except for loving a child. I never doubted I would be able to love a child not biologically connected to me. But, love is not enough. And that is hard.   

Thanksgiving Dread

Tomorrow morning is court and  I am fearful for a lot of reasons. I am fearful of having to answer the little one’s mom’s and grandmother’s questions of why they are not there. I fear the potentially aggressive proceedings in court, with both sides defending their position passionately. I am fearful of the outcome and potential ramifications it might have on the case and, more concerning, on the children. Mostly, I just want it to be over, so we can move forward, but I feel fairly certain this case will drag on for quite some time.

 

Thursday is Thanksgiving and I am also dreading this day. Since I’ve become a grown-up, Thanksgiving has become my favorite holiday, eclipsing Christmas. I mean, who doesn’t love a holiday all about food? And expressing thanks for the blessings in our lives? Besides providing a few cans of green beans, I have no other obligation, no presents to buy or cards to write. So, yeah, Thanksgiving has hedged out Christmas for my favorite holiday. But, as much as I love the holiday season, I’ve come to dread it due to the emotional pitfalls that seem to lurk around these special days. This will be the third holiday season with Primero and the little ones, which makes the third time I have to dance the intricate steps of open adoption. This year I am just not feeling as emotionally ready for what is to come. As much as I would like to be the kind of person who can get over grievances with a flip of my hair and a good glass of wine, I’m just not that person. I still hurt from what happened the last time we got together with Primero’s uncle. The fact that he thinks I should just act like everything is the same, after such a betrayal, infuriates me. He made zero effort to man up and talk to me like an adult. When “we” did talk it was actually with his wife. The whole thing has left a very bad taste in my mouth and my respect level for Primero’s uncle has dropped dramatically. I really don’t want to go to his house this Thursday. Like, not even a little bit. But, Primero told me last night that all of his siblings have been confirmed to be attending and that never happens. At first Primero told me their event started at 7, which would work out because I already accepted an invitation to my aunt and uncle’s for 4. But, after speaking with his uncle yesterday, Primero told me their event is starting at 4:30. So, this complicates things. I don’t want to be separated for Thanksgiving. I mean, I’m sure next year Primero will stop attending family functions with us because he will be 18 and, as he believes, can do whatever he wants. I wish I were wealthy and could just whisk the four of us away to some quiet tropical island for Thanksgiving. Did I mention Primero’s mother will be at the gathering? Just to add another layer of uncomfortable. The last time we spent time with her, there was an eruption of unwarranted emotions that derailed the visit and made me question having the little ones around when visits do happen. Yeah, I’m not looking forward to Thursday at all……

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Until Our Fate is Decided

I feel resigned to a fate I cannot control and am hopeless to change. I had to take the little ones in for court this morning. Well, not court, just for them to see their GAL (guardian ad litem) and the magistrate. I have been appealing to the professionals who work with the children, to write letters of recommendation that visits not be reinstated, but thus far I’m coming up empty-handed. It seems the professionals are being advised to not get involved, regardless of their professional opinion on the matter. One problem is that these professionals have not personally witnessed the reactions and regressions that occurred following visits. It seems we will have to do a bonding evaluation, which I believe is basically a mental health professional observing me alone with the kids and then their mother alone with the kids. It seems unfair, since Love Bug does not know her and will respond with trepidation, as he does will most strangers. Chica Marie might respond more positively, but then again, who knows with her.

 

While the county is opposed to reinstating visits, the burden of proof is upon them to argue why visits should (still) not occur. Their mother’s attorney does not have to argue why, after nearly 18 months, the visits should be reinstated. Because she still retains her parental rights, she still has the right to visits. And, as we all know, the parents’ rights always trump the rights of children. Her rights are supposed to be terminated in December, but the TPR meeting has moved to many times I have little faith it will actually occur. Even if it does occur, as the county case worker reminded me this morning, that doesn’t mean it’s over. There is an appeal process, which I’m sure their mom will take, and all of this takes time. As in months of time. While the children hang in limbo.

 

I am opposed to the courts reinstating visits, but I am not opposed to having visits. What I mean by that is, I feel like, if visits could occur like the one we had with Primero’s mother they might not be so hard on the kids. We picked her up and went the mall, had dinner and took her back home. We spent nearly the whole day together and it was (for the most part) a nice time. I could be wrong, but I feel if visits could happen the same way with the little one’s mom, maybe it wouldn’t be so traumatic for them. Chica Marie wants to see her mom, she has expressed that to me on more than one occasion. Yet, she has a lot of big feelings after those visits and those big feelings result in negative behaviors. I think too often the county and the law is all or nothing. I wish we could find a compromise that doesn’t jeopardize the positive momentum the children have made.

 

While we are talking about the law, how about The Adoption and Safe Families Act of 1997? You know, the one that “Requires that States move to terminate parental rights for children who have been in Foster Care for 15 out of the last 22 months” that law? Has the county not provided sufficient and ample opportunities for reunification? Is there a compelling reason TPR is not in the best interest of the children? I don’t know, I don’t have all the details. I’m just frustrated and wish I could do something to resolve this whole mess, but I can’t. I don’t have a say, I don’t have a voice. I still have to attend the permanency hearing next week and sit quietly as our fate is decided.

In the Feels

Tonight will be our annual home evaluation for foster care. I frantically cleaned the house yesterday but didn’t get it as clean as I would have liked. Primero and I spent a great deal of time cleaning out the basement. It felt good to get rid of the things cluttering the space and reorganize it to be able to reach the things I need more consistently. We talked while we worked and Primero told me stories of when he was naughty as a child. At one point he exclaimed, exasperated at my inability to let go of an artifact from my childhood, “Ugh! You have a lot of special things from the past!” He then muttered that he had none. I remembered him showing me a box of little things he had saved from his life before foster care. I knew each item held special importance to him. I know he still has that box tucked away safely. It is the only thing he has from his childhood; no toys, no special t-shirt, just a box of slips of papers, small pictures, drawings and little nick-knack’s. I could see why my ceramic Dumbo lamp that my mom made for me and had in my nursery would upset him.

 

On our way to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for Chica Marie she declared out-of-the-blue she wanted to go home and have a mayonnaise sandwich. Primero mentioned having to eat mayo sandwiches at times because they had nothing else to eat in his house. It seems the day was full of memories for him. After our second trip to Goodwill to drop off bags of donations, we treated ourselves to dinner at McDonalds. While there, Primero told me about something that happened to him in the past that just made my heart hurt for him, for the little boy he was never able to be. Primero does such a good job of hiding the past pain he has suffered, he doesn’t often let his mask slip to reveal the hurting inside of him. When he wants to let it out, I try to just listen. There isn’t anything I can say to undo the pain, nothing I can do to take it all away and reminding him his present is without those hurts is obtuse and without solace. So, I listen and say how sorry I am to know those things happened to him. He used to share a lot, when he first moved in, but the stories have slowed over the years. I’m glad he no longer has to eat mayonnaise sandwiches and I hope he will always feel like he can share with me when he needs to, when he feels those memories.

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Reinstating Visits

Yesterday I left work early because the headache I woke up with could not be controlled with Aleve. I slept most of the afternoon and woke-up with my headache dulled but not gone. I took one more Aleve and that did the trick. My stomach has been off since Sunday night. I haven’t been sick, but I have been feeling nauseous and like I’m about to be sick at any moment. I have an aversion to food but I don’t find it makes me feel any worse when I do eat. I know a very strong stomach virus has been making the rounds and I’m hoping this isn’t how it starts.

 

Before I left work yesterday I received an email from the county case worker in response to the one I sent her the previous day. I had asked several questions, which she half-answered promising more detailed answers coming soon. Then, she sent a second email asking for me to get letters from the professionals who see the kids and feel reinstating visits with their mother would not be in their best interest. Apparently, their mother’s attorney is planning on insisting visits be reinstated since their mom has been doing so much better. I questioned how this could be possible, since TPR has been scheduled for December 16^th and our CHOR case worker questioned why it would be entertained considering TPR was supposed to happen in June. We are hoping this is just CYS doing a cya, but it is frightening to me that the court would even consider this idea. It’s not that I wouldn’t want the children to see their mom, especially considering she is healthy right now, I’m just worried about how it might affect Chica Marie’s behaviors in school and impact her education. And, for Love Bug, he would need to ease into it in a way I highly doubt would be carried out. In order for him to be ok with the visits, he would need to do a few with me there for the whole time and then slowly wean him down to me not being there. To drop him off and have his mom hugging him and kissing him and trying to hold him, well he would be totally freaked out. And I feel really bad saying that, but he just doesn’t know her. To him, I am mommy. He still has a pretty high intolerance to strangers, especially ones who try to do more than talk to him. He takes a little while to warm up to people, as most toddlers do. The concerns for Chica Marie are even more pressing, I believe. While she would be happy to meet and spend time with her mom, the last time she did (and it was a good meeting!) her behaviors took a nose-dive and we were dealing with several weeks of regression because of it. When she was in daycare, it was manageable and not as detrimental as it could be now that she is in school. She is finally starting to stabilize and get into the groove with kindergarten, I would hate to see her regress and possibly miss out on some learning or worse, be moved into an emotional support classroom.

 

So, after sending an email questioning how this could be happening, I called and spoke with our CHOR case worker and Chica Marie’s mobile therapist. Last night I asked Love Bugs OT to write a letter, which she readily agreed to do. I called Chica Marie’s psychiatrist and her mobile therapist agreed to follow up with him as well. Her TSS worker will write about her behaviors at school and I asked the daycare to write what they could remember about her regression the last time she saw her mother.

 

I just don’t understand how this could be possible. I don’t understand anything about this case. After nearly 18 months of not seeing their mother, it seems unfathomable that the court would insist on bi-weekly visitation when TPR and adoption are just around the corner. And, it’s not just that I don’t want the children to see their mother, I just want the children to be stable and healthy and be able to emotionally process the big feelings that might come with seeing their mother. I don’t want to see them be forced into bi-weekly visits if they aren’t able to handle it. And, I certainly don’t want Chica Marie to have any stumbling blocks in front of her when it comes to improving her behaviors in school. I’m very nervous about court now.

 

The ironic thing is, Chica Marie and Love Bug will be going into CYS a week earlier to meet with the GAL so they don’t have to be there the day of court and risk seeing their mother, as they did in the summer. It was brought up during a meeting with the school and the county case worker mentioned the children could be seen ahead of time, rather than during court. How is that not evidence enough that reinstating visits isn’t a good idea?

 

This morning the county worker sent me an email about a bonding observation test. I’m not sure when she is hoping to have this performed or what exactly it will entail, but I’m sure it will have something to do with the plea for visits to resume. I can’t wait for all this insanity to die down again.