Impromptu Family Gathering Fiasco

Open adoption is hard! Adoption is hard in general, but open adoption is a state of near constant vulnerability with strangers you want to accept and have accept you. It just isn’t easy. I think I’ve mentioned before about going to a special professional development training in Harrisburg two days out of the month. Yesterday and Wednesday were those two days. It is stressful and exhausting because I have a much longer commute and therefore have to get up earlier and get the masses up earlier and we just all get a little on the grumpy side. Wednesday morning Primero had to put Chica Marie on the bus to attend her STEPS program, which is helping to prepare her for kindergarten. He had mentioned to me the evening before that his mother was coming to town and he wanted to see her. I expressed concern about him going alone, which made him angry and so we dropped the topic. He text me Wednesday afternoon as I was preparing to leave Harrisburg and drive the 60+ minutes home, asking if his uncle could take him to spend the day with his mom, two younger sisters, Esperanza and the grandmother of his youngest sister. We talked about it but he never called me back to let me know what exactly he had planned.

 

Once I got home with the little ones, he asked if we could go see his mom at Esperanza’s house. I agreed, even though I was so exhausted from the day, not to mention I didn’t sleep well because Primero had slept in the living room with the TV on and so I kept waking up all night long. Since the babies had eaten, we grabbed some fast food and drove over to Esperanza’s house. His mom was there with her boyfriend. Esperanza was there with her niece and her boyfriend showed up not long after we arrived. Things seemed to be going well, we were all chatting, the kids were playing with the little kitten, and Primero and I were eating our dinner. We were there for about 30 minutes before things started to unravel. I was finishing my burger when Primero’s mom got up and acted agitated. Primero asked her what the problem was and she refused to talk to him. She yelled that she felt uncomfortable and she wanted to leave. Primero kept trying to talk to her and she screamed, “I am still your *&^$! mother! I pushed you out! I am still your mother, no matter what! I gave you life, she didn’t! I am your mother! And I don’t deserve to be disrespected like that!” and she ran outside. What in the…??!?!!! I hadn’t said a thing to upset her, yet she was clearly angry with me about something, since she yelled all of that while standing right next to me. Um?

 

It turns out, Primero told me later, in conversation he had called his mother “Mom” and Chica Marie overheard him. She supposedly (no one heard her say this except his mom) responded by saying, “Hey! That’s not your mommy, she’s your mommy” and pointing to me. While I understand it might have been upsetting to hear, it came from the lips of a 5 year old little girl. I could see taking me aside and asking me to address this with her. I could see talking to her about it directly and telling her that Primero has two mommy’s just like she does. But, to react the way she did? To make it offensive to me, when I did nothing, it was simply childish. While the drama was outside and also upstairs (because something else happened with Esperanza and her mom getting angry at one another), I tried to keep the kids distracted and out of the way. At one point Primero came back inside to relay to me what happened. I said I was offended and angry by what was said because it was uncalled for. He agreed and said he would make his mom apologize. So, he was parenting his mother.

 

She did eventually come back inside and gave some lame excuses about being on her period and having a lot of feelings now that she was sober and could feel again. It didn’t make for a great apology and she never admitted that what she said and what made her said it was all wrong. But, whatever, I accepted the apology and the visit drudged on. At this point, I was wiped out and just ready to go. I told Primero  I wanted to leave and he asked for just a few more minutes. His mother was back inside and sitting on the couch with her boyfriend. Primero was outside and Esperanza was upstairs. Chica Marie asked the boyfriend what happened to his hair, since he was bald but had a beard. I told her to be nice and ask nicely and I overheard Primero’s mother mutter to her boyfriend, “If Primero was in here, he wouldn’t let her talk that way.” What?! Primero is not that child’s parent, I am and I did remind her to be nice and use nice words! Excuse me!? I just wanted to escape at that point. And luckily the visit ended shortly after that.

 

It’s hard being the bigger person all the time. It’s hard trying to manage the feelings of all the people involved in situations like this one. It’s especially hard to do when exhausted and desperate to just lie down and rest. I’m sure I will see that it’s worth it, some day, but for now it is simply a lot of work. I will certainly keep trying, but I don’t really look forward to these impromptu gatherings.