Birthday Party Re-cap

We had a small birthday party on Sunday to celebrate Love Bug’s second birthday. Last year I went crazy and it was so stressful, so this year I kept it low-key. I invited only family and a few friends and held the bash in our backyard. I asked my mom and aunt to bring side salad dishes and I supplied hot dogs, hamburgers, some chips and a fruit salad, plus soda. It was still a lot of work, getting the flower beds cleaned out and getting the backyard presentable. Primero grumbled about me “doing too much” when I was trying to get everything ready on Saturday. We had picked up Mini Momma to spend the night with us and to be there for the party. After getting almost everything completed on Saturday, we picked up Esperanza and went to the pool. We had more to do, cleaning the inside of the house and running some errands, on Sunday morning. Again, Primero complained but helped out, to a certain degree. As the party began Primero refused to come outside in the backyard. And thus began the struggle between us.

 

I do too much for Primero. That has become blazingly obvious. I allow his biological family to interrupt our lives way too often. Sunday I didn’t, Sunday I actually said no. I know the party for Love Bug was lame to Primero. There wasn’t any loud music, no one was play fighting with anyone else, there weren’t any rowdy conversations and no one made a big pot of beans and rice. Sadly, Primero stayed in the house most of the time, refusing to interact with the other guests or join in anyway. He ate his dinner on the stairs to the back porch and only participated in singing to Love Bug and feeding him cake because by then he had planned on leaving to go to his uncle’s place to sit with his cousin. In fact, even after I told him no, his uncle showed up at our place and I had to turn him away. No, I’m sorry Primero is not leaving his party to sit with his cousin he hasn’t seen in x amount of years just because she happens to be in town. No, just no. We are his family too and he needs to stop treating us like second-class. Primero’s family has the tendency to contact him last minute for a visit because they only happen to be in town for a hot minute and he just needs to drop everything and rush to wherever they are. No. It’s not ok. And Primero cannot be expected to drop and run every time he is called. I was angry and I think his uncle knew it. I was more forceful than I have ever been because my anger loosened my tongue. This is something I need to talk to Primero about, I just needed a moment to cool down and come at it calmly.

 

Am I wrong? Am I wrong to be angry that Primero wanted to leave Love Bug’s party to sit with his cousin? Add another layer to this story, Monday was the 6^th anniversary of his uncle’s passing, the father to the cousin he was supposed to visit on Sunday. Love Bug has the misfortune to be born on the day Primero lost the man who was the closest thing to a father to him as a child. But, should that mean that Primero gets a pass to be absent from celebrating Love Bug’s birthday? I very much feel like Primero would drop everything, including us, to appease his biological family. When he is older and making all his own decisions, he will have to decide if he wants to continue living that way. But, for right now, it cannot continue to disrupt our lives. If we are not important to Primero, if he cannot give Love Bug a day, just one day, then we need to reconsider priorities. Sadly, when I bring anything up about his family, Primero gets so very defensive and shuts down the conversation. So, when I talked to him about things Monday night (before he went to his uncles I might add), there were a lot of pauses and moments when I calmly told him he was making faces while I was speaking. Eventually, it came down to Primero wanting to ALWAYS says yes to his family because he feels like he doesn’t see them that often since he lives with us 24/7. What I thought about later was, they had 14 years with him and I’ve only had a little over 2. So, while he might live with us now, if you count all the hours, we certainly haven’t had the same amount of time. Regardless, I shall try to keep in mind how Primero feels he never spends enough time with his biological family and perhaps, worries that he will lose touch if he doesn’t acquiesce every time he is asked to attend. He made mention that he felt caught between two families and I told him that’s not what this is about, no one is in competition and we are all even. I made mention of how we are melding three families into one, since the little one’s family deserves as much attention as his own. I guess all I can do is keep doing what I’m doing to help Primero feel more secure in not losing his biological family.