Family Ties

Last weekend Primero and I picked strawberries for my mom to make jelly. We took the berries to the market so my dad could take them home and put them through the press. Last year we didn’t get the berries to my dad in time and they were gross and got thrown away. A lot of wasted money and a mistake I did not wish to repeat. My mom was at the market when we stopped in so I sat and talked to her for a bit. I’m not sure how the conversation started, but at one point she said, “Your dad and I hope you think long and hard before adopting Chica Marie. We think she is going to be a problem child as she gets older.” Sigh. My mom is not Chica Marie’s biggest fan because she is defiant and not well-behaved. I get it, Chica Marie does get under my skin from time to time. But, she has lived with us for nearly 2 years. She is connected to us as a family and is settled and stable, for the most part. She is part of our family and I know there would be a Chica Marie sized hole if she wasn’t there. Am I signing myself up for a lifetime of difficulties? I don’t know. No one knows how their child will be as a teenager. Some really great parents have some pretty awful teens and vice versa. Just because Chica Marie is a defiant little girl now doesn’t mean she will be a defiant teenager. She might mellow out as she ages and as she works through her early traumas in therapy. I know there will always be services available for us, which will help out if she is the same at 15 as she is at 5. Chica Marie does have some redeeming qualities too! She can be very sweet and caring. She has a fantastic memory and she’s very observant. She is smart and charming when she wants to be. She is attached to Primero and Love Bug and me. Why should she be ripped away from all of that? Sadly, my mom didn’t understand all of this. So, I told her the only thing she could understand. Chica Marie and Love Bug are a package deal. If Chica Marie goes then so will Love Bug and there’s no way I could handle that at all. My mom seemed angry at this, but she understood, at least I think she did.

 

We were talking the day before Love Bug’s birthday party and my mom made mention of the items saved from my childhood that are stashed in her attic. We were talking about a particular toy that my mom claimed to be saving for grandchildren, but said, “I guess you should take it, since I won’t be getting any grandchildren.” I think she meant she won’t be having any biological grandchildren, but I responded by reminding her  she does indeed have grandchildren. She has one (Primero) and two on the way (Chica Marie and Love Bug). She didn’t comment on my proclamation she just continued on with the conversation. I think my mom is still struggling with my infertility. I don’t think she has yet come to terms with the fact that her grandbabies are not going to be genetically related to her. I guess I can understand her reticence regarding Primero, it’s tough getting a brand-spanking new teenage grandchild replete with facial hair and bad music, but I thought the little ones would soften her stance. I know she was so hurt about losing the other little boy, who was just a hair younger than Love Bug when he left, but it’s safe to fall in love with these kids! It’s totally ok to be the grandma and spoil them and I keep waiting for that to happen and it just doesn’t. I’ve always thought my kids would be close to my parents like I was close to my grandparents, but I don’t see that happening. During Love Bug’s birthday party my family and I were discussing the no kids policy at my sister’s wedding and my cousin, more than anyone else, asserted and recognized how these kiddos are part of the family – more so than my parents have ever done. In fact, when we were dropping off the strawberries it was the first time I ever heard my father refer to Primero as his grandson. And it only took 6 months post adoption! It makes me sad, but I soldier on. My three kids feel like my kids, I love them as my own and I keep hoping for my parents to catch up. I just hope my parents will support me, even if they don’t agree with my decision to adopt Chica Marie. And I hope someday they will see all three kids as a part of their family.