Not sure what #Microblog Mondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate.
So, generally speaking, I don’t promote my blog, since the
purpose is for really just for me to spill my inner thoughts regarding
infertility, foster care and adoption. But, I have been reading the other blogs
on The Stirrup Queens MicroBlog Monday’s and finally felt compelled to join. My
goal is to post a microblog every Monday this month. That is, if I do it
correctly! It might be hard for me to keep it short and sweet, since I tend to
be long winded, but that just adds to the challenge!
I don’t think I am shy in telling people I have a 16 year
old son. I’m proud of him and I’m proud to be his mom. But, probably 9 out of
10 times I mention having a 16 year old son I get the comment, “you’re so young
to have a son that age!” Sigh. The problem is multi-faceted. First, I generally
look younger than my age. I’m 34 years old and often times I’m still carded for
things. It can be bothersome, but I like it better than the alternative. I’m
blessed to have good genes and, if my parents are any indication, that will last
for many more years. But, in this sense it is more complex. It’s hard enough
being adopted at age 16 let alone having everyone point that out incessantly.
Which is what happens when people comment that I look too young to be the
mother of a teenager. I try to give people the benefit of doubt, so I think
they are trying to compliment me on my youthful appearance verses the passive aggressive
dig at what they might believe to be my teenage folly. It doesn’t bother me,
per se, what bothers me is my desire to respond to assure them I did not have
my son at age 18. I am just a few months younger than Primero’s mother. She did
indeed have her fourth child at age 18. I think, in a subconscious way, I am
trying to set myself apart from her and I also just don’t want people thinking
I was a teenage mom. So, this leads me to two solutions. I grin and bear it or
I out us as an adoptive family. I’ve been really pushing myself to keep his
adoption under wraps because I don’t want him to spend his life being reminded
he was adopted. I know that he knows, obviously, but I don’t think it needs to
be a near daily reminder. Often times, if this comment comes up in front of
Primero he will tell the commenter that he is adopted. I just wish I could have
a kind “mind your own business” comment handy for when this comes up. Kind of
like I did the one time Chica Marie was questioned if she looked like daddy, since
her and I are not the same race. I winked and said, “I don’t know” and left it
at that. Still, on the scale of importance, this adoption issue scores very
low. Any suggestions on how to handle it (preferably with a combination of
humor and grace) would be appreciated!
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I'm wrestling with a similar question in that I sometimes want to "justify" the fact that I have 5 children (and the big age gap between numbers 3 and 4) by explaining that the two youngest were adopted. (Because some part of me assumes that people commenting on that think I either had two "oops" pregnancies or that they don't all have the same father or something.) My adopted kids are too young for this, but would it be worth getting Primo's opinion? Is there something he would love to hear you say in this situation? ("Yes. Yes, I was barely an infant when he was born." or "Thanks, but I'm not as young as I looke" or "Ha! He's doing his best to age me as fast as possible.") When I had foster kids and got asked questions like the one you describe with Chica Marie, I usually managed to enjoy confusing people with answers like the one you gave.
ReplyDeleteI agree that part of what trips us up are our own assumptions! I will ask Primero his opinion. The only possible dig I can think of is that his bio mom and I are the same age and she did indeed have her children very young. I think that is what makes me hesitate in bringing it up and making it even more of a big deal.
ReplyDeleteOoh, I forgot about his bio mom's age. That does make it trickier.
DeleteNo good advice, but it's a really fascinating look at the assumptions we make when we're speaking with people; like that all families are built in the same way!
ReplyDeletePerhaps you should just say "I look young for my age" and wink! It is annoying though that people feel the need to comment, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteOh, and welcome to Microblog Mondays!