Soften the Blow

I had a busy afternoon at work yesterday. I was away from my desk and so not near my cell phone, which I keep locked in one of my drawers when I’m not at my desk. Primero had tried to call me several times while I was unavailable. When I finally got a chance to take an afternoon break, I noticed he called and had also sent me a text message. He had taken it upon himself to walk to Esperanza’s house after school, rather than going home, which was a much shorter walk. I was livid. He had asked me in the morning if his sister could come watch Love Bug with him since I was talking Chica Marie to the baccalaureate celebration at a local high school. Her daycare director was giving the main speech and he wanted to incorporate kids dressed in career costumes and cap and gowns into his speech. It was adorable and Chica Marie did a really good job, even if she did cry the whole way home because people were laughing at her. Sigh.

 

Anyway, I picked Primero up after work and after some of my anger had dissipated. He was also more calm but rather unapologetic and could not answer why he walked with his sister to her house rather than go the shorter distance to our house. I tried to get him to see it as a sign of disrespect because he and I had numerous conversations about him not being at that house, but he simply wouldn’t see it that way. Typical teen, I suppose. He ended up watching Love Bug on his own and I think mostly just ignored the poor kid because he was angry at me. Love Bug was extra clingy last night and this morning, but hopefully tonight he will be more settled.

 

After I got home, got the kids to bed and washed the dishes I didn’t have time to wash before we left, I sat down to catch up on text messages and Facebook. I noticed Primero had posted a video from when he was “live” on Facebook from school. I noticed the comments and that his mom commented a bunch of times. Listening to the video, I heard when Primero announced her comments and acknowledged her as his mom to his school friends who were in the video with him. In observing the interactions, it seemed to me that his mom was trying to be one of the cool kids. She was using the same lingo and language they were using and never said one word about them goofing off while being in school (granted, it is the end of the school year and most of the kids had gone to the day field trip, so there wasn’t a whole lot going on, but still it IS school). I ruminated about this and finally, my first thought when I woke up this morning, gave me some insight. I won’t call it an epiphany because I think I’ve had this concept come to mind before, but something about it struck me a little deeper than it had before. Primero doesn’t treat me like a mom because he doesn’t really know what a mom does. He had to take care of his mother when he was younger and still to this day he tries to protect her and stick up for her. He doesn’t have to take care of me and I don’t let him. Perhaps it was different in the past, but from what I’ve seen, his mother acts more like she is a contemporary and less like the adult figure, especially when he is around friends. In front of me she tries to parent him more, but, as evidenced in the video on Facebook, that doesn’t seem to be her go to M.O. When around Primero’s friends I try to let him be himself but I’m not afraid to take him aside if need be or gently parent the friends if needed. I also have the expectation that Primero follow the rules and if he chooses not to then he will suffer the consequences. I don’t really have any insight personally regarding what his mother did, but I’ve heard that Primero often got away with doing whatever he wanted and I think that is also evidenced in Hermano. Acknowledging that Primero might be recognize mothering for what it is somewhat softens the blow but only a percentage.