Birthday Party Re-cap

We had a small birthday party on Sunday to celebrate Love Bug’s second birthday. Last year I went crazy and it was so stressful, so this year I kept it low-key. I invited only family and a few friends and held the bash in our backyard. I asked my mom and aunt to bring side salad dishes and I supplied hot dogs, hamburgers, some chips and a fruit salad, plus soda. It was still a lot of work, getting the flower beds cleaned out and getting the backyard presentable. Primero grumbled about me “doing too much” when I was trying to get everything ready on Saturday. We had picked up Mini Momma to spend the night with us and to be there for the party. After getting almost everything completed on Saturday, we picked up Esperanza and went to the pool. We had more to do, cleaning the inside of the house and running some errands, on Sunday morning. Again, Primero complained but helped out, to a certain degree. As the party began Primero refused to come outside in the backyard. And thus began the struggle between us.

 

I do too much for Primero. That has become blazingly obvious. I allow his biological family to interrupt our lives way too often. Sunday I didn’t, Sunday I actually said no. I know the party for Love Bug was lame to Primero. There wasn’t any loud music, no one was play fighting with anyone else, there weren’t any rowdy conversations and no one made a big pot of beans and rice. Sadly, Primero stayed in the house most of the time, refusing to interact with the other guests or join in anyway. He ate his dinner on the stairs to the back porch and only participated in singing to Love Bug and feeding him cake because by then he had planned on leaving to go to his uncle’s place to sit with his cousin. In fact, even after I told him no, his uncle showed up at our place and I had to turn him away. No, I’m sorry Primero is not leaving his party to sit with his cousin he hasn’t seen in x amount of years just because she happens to be in town. No, just no. We are his family too and he needs to stop treating us like second-class. Primero’s family has the tendency to contact him last minute for a visit because they only happen to be in town for a hot minute and he just needs to drop everything and rush to wherever they are. No. It’s not ok. And Primero cannot be expected to drop and run every time he is called. I was angry and I think his uncle knew it. I was more forceful than I have ever been because my anger loosened my tongue. This is something I need to talk to Primero about, I just needed a moment to cool down and come at it calmly.

 

Am I wrong? Am I wrong to be angry that Primero wanted to leave Love Bug’s party to sit with his cousin? Add another layer to this story, Monday was the 6^th anniversary of his uncle’s passing, the father to the cousin he was supposed to visit on Sunday. Love Bug has the misfortune to be born on the day Primero lost the man who was the closest thing to a father to him as a child. But, should that mean that Primero gets a pass to be absent from celebrating Love Bug’s birthday? I very much feel like Primero would drop everything, including us, to appease his biological family. When he is older and making all his own decisions, he will have to decide if he wants to continue living that way. But, for right now, it cannot continue to disrupt our lives. If we are not important to Primero, if he cannot give Love Bug a day, just one day, then we need to reconsider priorities. Sadly, when I bring anything up about his family, Primero gets so very defensive and shuts down the conversation. So, when I talked to him about things Monday night (before he went to his uncles I might add), there were a lot of pauses and moments when I calmly told him he was making faces while I was speaking. Eventually, it came down to Primero wanting to ALWAYS says yes to his family because he feels like he doesn’t see them that often since he lives with us 24/7. What I thought about later was, they had 14 years with him and I’ve only had a little over 2. So, while he might live with us now, if you count all the hours, we certainly haven’t had the same amount of time. Regardless, I shall try to keep in mind how Primero feels he never spends enough time with his biological family and perhaps, worries that he will lose touch if he doesn’t acquiesce every time he is asked to attend. He made mention that he felt caught between two families and I told him that’s not what this is about, no one is in competition and we are all even. I made mention of how we are melding three families into one, since the little one’s family deserves as much attention as his own. I guess all I can do is keep doing what I’m doing to help Primero feel more secure in not losing his biological family.

Family Ties

Last weekend Primero and I picked strawberries for my mom to make jelly. We took the berries to the market so my dad could take them home and put them through the press. Last year we didn’t get the berries to my dad in time and they were gross and got thrown away. A lot of wasted money and a mistake I did not wish to repeat. My mom was at the market when we stopped in so I sat and talked to her for a bit. I’m not sure how the conversation started, but at one point she said, “Your dad and I hope you think long and hard before adopting Chica Marie. We think she is going to be a problem child as she gets older.” Sigh. My mom is not Chica Marie’s biggest fan because she is defiant and not well-behaved. I get it, Chica Marie does get under my skin from time to time. But, she has lived with us for nearly 2 years. She is connected to us as a family and is settled and stable, for the most part. She is part of our family and I know there would be a Chica Marie sized hole if she wasn’t there. Am I signing myself up for a lifetime of difficulties? I don’t know. No one knows how their child will be as a teenager. Some really great parents have some pretty awful teens and vice versa. Just because Chica Marie is a defiant little girl now doesn’t mean she will be a defiant teenager. She might mellow out as she ages and as she works through her early traumas in therapy. I know there will always be services available for us, which will help out if she is the same at 15 as she is at 5. Chica Marie does have some redeeming qualities too! She can be very sweet and caring. She has a fantastic memory and she’s very observant. She is smart and charming when she wants to be. She is attached to Primero and Love Bug and me. Why should she be ripped away from all of that? Sadly, my mom didn’t understand all of this. So, I told her the only thing she could understand. Chica Marie and Love Bug are a package deal. If Chica Marie goes then so will Love Bug and there’s no way I could handle that at all. My mom seemed angry at this, but she understood, at least I think she did.

 

We were talking the day before Love Bug’s birthday party and my mom made mention of the items saved from my childhood that are stashed in her attic. We were talking about a particular toy that my mom claimed to be saving for grandchildren, but said, “I guess you should take it, since I won’t be getting any grandchildren.” I think she meant she won’t be having any biological grandchildren, but I responded by reminding her  she does indeed have grandchildren. She has one (Primero) and two on the way (Chica Marie and Love Bug). She didn’t comment on my proclamation she just continued on with the conversation. I think my mom is still struggling with my infertility. I don’t think she has yet come to terms with the fact that her grandbabies are not going to be genetically related to her. I guess I can understand her reticence regarding Primero, it’s tough getting a brand-spanking new teenage grandchild replete with facial hair and bad music, but I thought the little ones would soften her stance. I know she was so hurt about losing the other little boy, who was just a hair younger than Love Bug when he left, but it’s safe to fall in love with these kids! It’s totally ok to be the grandma and spoil them and I keep waiting for that to happen and it just doesn’t. I’ve always thought my kids would be close to my parents like I was close to my grandparents, but I don’t see that happening. During Love Bug’s birthday party my family and I were discussing the no kids policy at my sister’s wedding and my cousin, more than anyone else, asserted and recognized how these kiddos are part of the family – more so than my parents have ever done. In fact, when we were dropping off the strawberries it was the first time I ever heard my father refer to Primero as his grandson. And it only took 6 months post adoption! It makes me sad, but I soldier on. My three kids feel like my kids, I love them as my own and I keep hoping for my parents to catch up. I just hope my parents will support me, even if they don’t agree with my decision to adopt Chica Marie. And I hope someday they will see all three kids as a part of their family.

Happy Birthday Love Bug #Microblog Monday

Today Love Bug is two years old – two! I cannot believe it! I was so fearful in the beginning that I wouldn’t get to celebrate any birthdays with him and here we are at number two. Love Bug is such a delight and so loveable. I am so blessed to have him in my life, so crazy in love with his smile and his hugs. He is really the best hugger! I still pinch myself when I think about how lucky I am to be raising him, to have had him with me his entire life. I can’t fathom my life without him and yet, I know nothing is a given in foster care. I look forward to watching him grow and wishing he was tiny again for just a moment because he’s my baby boy.

 

Can I just tell you how darn cute Love Bug is? I can’t share photos but I can paint a picture for you with my words. Love Bug is looking less like a toddler and more like a little boy, but I suspect he will hold onto his baby face for a while longer. His cuteness is more than his gap-toothed smile and long, thick eyelashes, it is in how inquisitive he is and how he loves. I was holding him the other night and Chica Marie was sitting beside me. She leaned over and gave me a kiss on my cheek. Love Bug did not want to be out done so he leaned in for me to kiss him on the forehead. Chica Marie gave me another kiss and this time lingered with her lips on my cheek. Love Bug tried to push her away while grabbing my face and planting a big wet kiss on my lips. It was about the most precious thing you could imagine!

 

Most nights Love Bug wakes up and ends up in bed with me. I have given up the fight to get him back to his own bed and just live with his toes wedged firmly between my ribs or vertebra. On the weekends, when I wish to sleep in, Love Bug wakes me up in various forms. Generally, he flops himself on me saying, “Ninny!” This is his name for me. I don’t know why, because he can say mama, but he calls me Ninny. Sometimes, he whispers my name until I open my eyes, sometimes he crawls on top of me and doesn’t say a word. One morning, I woke up to his lips pressed firmly to mine as if he thought to wake me with true love's kiss. Lately, he has been saying, “Hi Ninny!” when he wakes up in lieu of good morning. If I don’t rouse when he tries to wake me, he will slide off the bed and explore the living room and get into trouble there until I wake up to access the damage. Many mornings he will find his sister in her room and wake her to join him in his escapades.

 

Love Bug is still struggling with his speech, but we are seeing improvements. His speech therapist was pleased with him saying the word “please” more clearly. Sure he still says “pwease” but that’s an improvement over “peas.” He is also stuck on the word “hot” because one morning I had made him oatmeal and he was angry he couldn’t eat it right away. I was trying to convey to him it was hot and thus could burn his mouth if he tried to eat it. I was stirring and blowing on the oatmeal saying, “Hot Love Bug, it’s hot!” I guess that was all it took because hot became his new favorite word! His toddler speak is quite adorable!

 

So, I am wishing a very Happy Birthday to my dear sweet Love Bug and may he have many, many more!

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Summer Bucket List

Summer Bucket List:

 

So, I took the Myers Briggs personality test and discovered I am an ENFP. Basically, I am a dreamer who relishes freedom and creativity. And, yes I do, to a certain extent. I know for a fact I have a penchant for exploring new exciting places and I do tend to dream big, even if I don’t follow through on it (which is a trait of an ENFP, apparently). So my Summer Bucket list is a wishful list as much as a guide to what to do this summer.

 

1. National Parks - It’s the 100^th anniversary of the park service in the US and I would like to celebrate by seeing a few national parks in our state. Something, I’m sad to say, I have never done with any of my foster kids. A friend of mine had posted a list of waterfalls that one could see in a weekend trip. I was thinking that might be fun and it would include National Parks. This might require getting a back-pack I can wear to carry Love Bug….
2. Caves - In addition to National Parks, I sort of have a hankering for spelunking. Well, not the real kind, more of the guided tour type of cave exploration. A few summers ago when I took Primero to West Virginia, we visited two caves and I was hooked. Sure, I’ve been to the cave near us (Crystal Springs), but there are two others I’ve been wanting to visit, including Indian Echo Caverns and Penn’s Cave (which is actually seen from a boat, since the cave is submerged). 
3. Lake Tobias - My parents took me and one of my little guys to Lake Tobias a few years ago and it was a very enjoyable experience. We talked about going last year but my mom felt Love Bug was too young. This year I think he would be into it more, so I’m hoping we can all go together.
4. Amusement parks – I love roller coasters. Love. Them! This trip would require another adult or two, since the little ones can’t (and probably won’t) ride the big roller coasters. Actually, this might be a trip for just me and Primero….
5. Beach - Primero is working this summer, but I was thinking of taking a few days to go down the shore the week before school starts. We’ll have to see if I can save enough vacation days from work until then.
6. Fairs – When I was in 4-H I showed at all of the local fairs and even some not-so-local fairs. I haven’t really been back as a spectator, but I would like to take the kids this year because the little guy is old enough to enjoy and Chica Marie liked the Farm Show we attended in January.
7. Staycation in Doubletree  – There is a new hotel in town and every time we drive by it Primero exclaims how pretty the rooms look (you can see inside through various windows) and how he wants to stay there. I agreed we could spend a staycation night in the hotel and have secretly booked a room for an overnight the beginning of July. It might be silly, since the hotel is maybe an 8 minute drive from our home, but the change of scenery can feel like a vacation, plus I got brunch for all of us included with the room, so I don’t have to make breakfast!
8. SkyZone  – This trampoline Park hosts Family Nights on Wednesday evenings, so we could all jump for an hour and share a pizza and 4 soft drinks ($45). I think this would be great fun! They also have a Glow Zone Friday nights, but the little ones would probably be frightened since it’s under black lights.
9. Dutch Springs – This place looks awesome!  A friend mentioned it on Facebook and I looked it up to find it is some sort of reservoir where they put big inflatable toys in the water, like slides and trampolines, for everyone to have fun. They also offer scuba diving, but that’s not something we can all do together, so we will probably just stick with the inflatables. This might be combined with the waterfall hiking trip, since they are in close proximity. We could make it a weekend excursion!

Orlando

Too often things don’t become real until they are happening to you or someone you love. I’m not a person who has ever been involved in any Gay Pride events or any similar events. I would also not be the person protesting such events. In general, I’ve just avoided the topic. I’ve posted before about my mixed feelings on the matter. After hearing about the horrendous shooting in Orlando I’m feeling uneasy about my position on the sidelines. I haven’t really sought out information on the shooting, just knowing about it saddens me enough. But, what I do know is that many of the victims were young and Hispanic. Just like my son. And while he might not be old enough to get into any clubs right now, that day is not too far on the horizon. Pulse certainly could be the type of place my son might frequent once he is of age. And that scares me to death. He is a beautiful, caring, enigmatic young man with so much life to live. To think his light could be snuffed out by someone hell-bent on hatred and destruction is sickening. I don’t want my son to become a victim. I don’t want to have to shake with fear that he might simply be on a night out excursion, the very same type of thing I did as a young adult, and meet his end at the hands of madman who hates him for no reason at all. My son is bi-sexual but that isn’t all he is, that isn’t who he is. And it certainly isn’t something that should claim his life. I don’t understand this hatred, I don’t understand the desire to harm and kill other human beings, no matter their sexual preferences. I don’t want to see the news, I don’t want to wake up and hear about another mass shooting because some crazy person thinks they have a right to kill another human being. I don’t want my son walking around this world with a target on his back because he likes boys and girls and he is self-described as flamboyant. This cannot keep happening! Beautiful young lives should not be extinguished because someone is too dogmatic to see they are human too. I love me son. I want him to have a good, long life. I fear, in this world, that might not be possible and that is about the most demoralizing thing I’ve ever thought. Things need to change! Disagreeing with someone, no matter the issue, should never equate a death sentence.     

Like Old Times

So I opted to not attend my sisters bachelorette event this past weekend, despite having respite for the little ones. I worried about taking my van on the journey because I didn’t want to worry about having it towed home. I worried about the amount of money it would have cost since it was two nights in an Airbnb, the gas for the drive, food, a spa treatment, and a winery tour. Not to mention the social tensions since I don’t really know any of the other girls all that well and I don’t particularly like the other bridesmaid. Sigh. I feel bad about not going, but I think ultimately it was the best decision for me.

 

Since we were sans kids, Primero and I made the most of our weekend together. Friday night we took Chica Marie to see Finding Dory, while Love bug was with the other foster family. When we drove back to drop Chica Marie off the foster mom mentioned having a hard time with Love Bug because he cried all the time and wanted to be held. She had him sleeping on blankets in the living room when we got there. It was hard to leave him with his sweet little sleeping face turned towards me, but we did. Chica Marie also reacted by clinging to me when Primero and I tried to leave. She rarely does this, so I think it was mostly because she was tired, but it has been some time since they spent the night at another foster home, so I guess she was just worked up about it. She was a handful for the other family, being defiant and speaking rudely to the other members of the family. Usually she is good in respite but I had forgotten to pack her meds, so she was probably feeling off. And I feel really terrible about that!

 

Saturday morning Primero and I got up early to wait in line at the DMV for him to take his second permit test. We were there for around 2 hours before he was finally able to take the test and pass, thankfully! We celebrated by getting brunch at our local diner. Then, we drove, I mean Primero drove, us to the orchard to pick strawberries so my parents can make strawberry jelly (this is how we work it out – I pick the berries and they make the jelly!). We dropped the berries off at the market with my dad and my mom was there too so we visited for a bit.

 

The night before Primero had talked to Esperanza and wanted her to spend the day with us, but she struggles with insomnia and didn’t fall asleep until 5 in the morning. He spoke with her while we were at the market and she said she needed a ride to work, since that had been our plan and she had no other way of getting there. I agreed and we set off to visit the local art on the avenue event. Primero drove and was having trouble getting into the parking space. We were having a minor disagreement over his parking abilities when Esperanza called. She said she didn’t need a ride to work because she wasn’t going in. She needed to help her sister (on her dad’s side, so not a sibling related to Primero) because her boyfriend was abusing her again. We offered to pick Esperanza up to take her to her sister’s place but by the time we got there the issue had been resolved. So Esperanza came over to spend the night, bringing her little kitten with her.

 

We took Esperanza to work and ran some more errands, including getting Primero a haircut, finding a new purse for me, and getting some new summer clothes for both of us. Soon it was time to pick up Esperanza and Primero had planned for us to play laser tag or ride go-carts at a local place that offers both restaurant and night club, plus an arcade, go-karts and new trampoline area. I wasn’t too keen on going to the arcade after dinner, but it turned out to be So. MUCH. FUN! I found a GIANT Fruit Ninja game and plunked myself down to play several matches. I then challenged my former beer pong skills at an eerily similar game called Sink it. I found Primero and Esperanza playing Deal or No Deal and we got so into the game (I won 101 tickets but my brief case had 200 tickets!) we were cheering like maniacs! The kids played some motorcycle came while I killed at Skeeball. And then they talked me into this 3D zombie movie/game which scared the holy Hannah outta me! But, it was FUN! We cashed in our tickets and I let Primero drive part of the way home, after stopping off at Wawa for some drinks and grabbing a Redbox movie.

 

Sunday morning we went out to brunch with my dad then went to the pool for a bit before taking Esperanza to work and then picking up the kids. Primero and I noted how often we talk about the kids and miss them when they aren’t around and yet how we often times wish for them to go away when we are with them! We caught ourselves talking about the little ones while picking strawberries on Saturday and pondered why we tended to mention them when they weren’t around. Love Bug was very anxious to see me and he babbled to me the whole ride home. Chica Marie was also happy to be back home, but not on her best behavior. We didn’t have much time with them Sunday night before they needed to get to bed, but I did get some extra Love Bug snuggles before he zonked out.

 

After Esperanza had left, Primero commented on how good it was to spend time with her. “Like old times,” he said. I agreed it was nice to have her over and said I hope we could continue to do that over the summer. Primero still worries about his sister after everything that happened. I know he wishes things could truly go back to how they are, so I’m trying to show him how the new normal could also work. He knows I encourage him to spend time with his siblings and I include them whenever I can. I was glad we had such a nice time together and I do truly hope the fun times can continue this summer.  

 

All-in-all it was a pretty great weekend!

First Time Driving #Microblog Monday

Do you remember the first time you drove a car? I vividly remember driving my dad’s farm truck on the public road for the first time. It was HARD! I had been driving the truck around the farm for several months, practicing backing it up to the barn to retrieve hay for the livestock and 4-H animals. But, driving a truck on a dirt road is not the same as driving on macadam – it’s a totally different experience! The driveway on the farm is nearly a mile long, so I had plenty of space to bounce around before hitting the state road. The morning I convinced my dad to let me drive to the MOPS event in a local church where I volunteered, I was so psyched! I felt so grown, pulling that truck out onto the paved road! But, when I did, the wheel felt so loose that I struggled to keep the truck between the lines on the road. I tried to accelerate, but felt like anything above 25 mph made the wheels wobble too much, so we crept along. What should have been a 10-15 minute drive stretched into 30 minutes as I tried to calm my sweaty palms and palpitating heart. I was so thankful to reach our destination and so defeated that my first driving experience was so much harder than I thought it would be! Fortunately, as happens with most things, I got better with practice and eventually felt comfortable driving.

 

Primero got his driving permit on Saturday, after failing the test the first time. He was so stoked! I discovered I didn’t need to add him to my insurance until he gets his license, so he was able to drive right away. (Funny side story – the first time I asked to drive my parents told me they needed to add me to their insurance and that it would take time, so I think I had my permit a week or longer before they let me drive. Come to find out that the whole insurance thing was probably not true….) So, I let Primero drive. He drove us to the orchard to pick strawberries and then back home. He drove us to pick up his sister and he even drove at night! Last night, after a few more miles on the road, Primero admitted that driving wasn’t as fun as he thought it was going to be. I smiled to myself, remembering feeling that same way many moons ago.    

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Impromptu Family Gathering Fiasco

Open adoption is hard! Adoption is hard in general, but open adoption is a state of near constant vulnerability with strangers you want to accept and have accept you. It just isn’t easy. I think I’ve mentioned before about going to a special professional development training in Harrisburg two days out of the month. Yesterday and Wednesday were those two days. It is stressful and exhausting because I have a much longer commute and therefore have to get up earlier and get the masses up earlier and we just all get a little on the grumpy side. Wednesday morning Primero had to put Chica Marie on the bus to attend her STEPS program, which is helping to prepare her for kindergarten. He had mentioned to me the evening before that his mother was coming to town and he wanted to see her. I expressed concern about him going alone, which made him angry and so we dropped the topic. He text me Wednesday afternoon as I was preparing to leave Harrisburg and drive the 60+ minutes home, asking if his uncle could take him to spend the day with his mom, two younger sisters, Esperanza and the grandmother of his youngest sister. We talked about it but he never called me back to let me know what exactly he had planned.

 

Once I got home with the little ones, he asked if we could go see his mom at Esperanza’s house. I agreed, even though I was so exhausted from the day, not to mention I didn’t sleep well because Primero had slept in the living room with the TV on and so I kept waking up all night long. Since the babies had eaten, we grabbed some fast food and drove over to Esperanza’s house. His mom was there with her boyfriend. Esperanza was there with her niece and her boyfriend showed up not long after we arrived. Things seemed to be going well, we were all chatting, the kids were playing with the little kitten, and Primero and I were eating our dinner. We were there for about 30 minutes before things started to unravel. I was finishing my burger when Primero’s mom got up and acted agitated. Primero asked her what the problem was and she refused to talk to him. She yelled that she felt uncomfortable and she wanted to leave. Primero kept trying to talk to her and she screamed, “I am still your *&^$! mother! I pushed you out! I am still your mother, no matter what! I gave you life, she didn’t! I am your mother! And I don’t deserve to be disrespected like that!” and she ran outside. What in the…??!?!!! I hadn’t said a thing to upset her, yet she was clearly angry with me about something, since she yelled all of that while standing right next to me. Um?

 

It turns out, Primero told me later, in conversation he had called his mother “Mom” and Chica Marie overheard him. She supposedly (no one heard her say this except his mom) responded by saying, “Hey! That’s not your mommy, she’s your mommy” and pointing to me. While I understand it might have been upsetting to hear, it came from the lips of a 5 year old little girl. I could see taking me aside and asking me to address this with her. I could see talking to her about it directly and telling her that Primero has two mommy’s just like she does. But, to react the way she did? To make it offensive to me, when I did nothing, it was simply childish. While the drama was outside and also upstairs (because something else happened with Esperanza and her mom getting angry at one another), I tried to keep the kids distracted and out of the way. At one point Primero came back inside to relay to me what happened. I said I was offended and angry by what was said because it was uncalled for. He agreed and said he would make his mom apologize. So, he was parenting his mother.

 

She did eventually come back inside and gave some lame excuses about being on her period and having a lot of feelings now that she was sober and could feel again. It didn’t make for a great apology and she never admitted that what she said and what made her said it was all wrong. But, whatever, I accepted the apology and the visit drudged on. At this point, I was wiped out and just ready to go. I told Primero  I wanted to leave and he asked for just a few more minutes. His mother was back inside and sitting on the couch with her boyfriend. Primero was outside and Esperanza was upstairs. Chica Marie asked the boyfriend what happened to his hair, since he was bald but had a beard. I told her to be nice and ask nicely and I overheard Primero’s mother mutter to her boyfriend, “If Primero was in here, he wouldn’t let her talk that way.” What?! Primero is not that child’s parent, I am and I did remind her to be nice and use nice words! Excuse me!? I just wanted to escape at that point. And luckily the visit ended shortly after that.

 

It’s hard being the bigger person all the time. It’s hard trying to manage the feelings of all the people involved in situations like this one. It’s especially hard to do when exhausted and desperate to just lie down and rest. I’m sure I will see that it’s worth it, some day, but for now it is simply a lot of work. I will certainly keep trying, but I don’t really look forward to these impromptu gatherings.

Courthouse Blues

We had court this morning for a permanency hearing. By law children in foster care must have such a hearing every six months to ensure their case is progressing or to remedy the reasons why it might be stagnant. Often times these hearings are just a review of how much has not been done in the previous six months. At least that’s my take on the whole charade. At our last permanency hearing in December the CHOR case work who was substituting as our case worker said she had hoped the adoption would be finalized before this most recent hearing. I scoffed at her positive notion that the county and the courts would work that fast. Sadly, I was right. The travesty of children living in limbo in foster care is just one of the many injustices foisted upon these innocent lives by a bloated, uncaring, broken system. I almost began sobbing when the magistrate said, “And for Love Bug, he has been in care for 15 out of the last 24 months, he’s been in care for nearly two years. His whole life.” I wanted to cry buckets because it is true.

 

The hearing began with the parade of children in front of the magistrate. She questioned the two girls about their ages and grades in school and gave them a fist bump. I was holding Love Bug because he was scared and disinterested in being in anyone else’s arms. He did let his mother hold him briefly so we could take pictures, but then squirmed to get back to me. After the magistrate gave Love Bug a fist bump, the girls were sent back upstairs to the CYS children’s waiting room and Love Bug was left with me until the worker returned. Initially, he was content to be on my lap, but that didn’t last for long. I tried to keep him contained, but he soon felt comfortable enough to slide off my lap and explore the room. I really wanted to listen and pay attention, but I was too busy trying to wrangle a toddler in mime to really pay attention. I did hear the magistrate express her frustrations that grandma hasn’t completed a physical and some other paperwork to complete her homestudy and have Mimi Momma move in with her full-time. The county case worker did try to make excuses for her, but the magistrate wouldn’t hear it. “If she can’t do these things without a child present, how can she be expected to care for a child?” The worker who took the girls upstairs finally came back for Love Bug, just as he was getting upset with me for not letting him wander around the room (he had found some great cords and AV equipment in the corner and was really looking forward to pushing all the buttons he could reach!). I was then better able to listen to the proceedings.

 

It was acknowledged that the bio mom has been doing better and following her treatment plan these past 3-4 months and she was commended for doing so. Her attorney tried to push for reinstatement of visits, but the county stood firm in declaring that visits could only be reinstated if the judge who revoked them received notification that it was therapeutically prescribed. The magistrate felt visits could happen as often as bi-weekly if the treatment team felt it would be helpful. The magistrate also stated that while bio mom is doing better, it’s simply a little too late in the game. And while she is doing good now, she does not have a history of staying on the straight and narrow and so more time would need to elapse to truly determine her fit to care for her children. Allowing that time would not be in the best interest of the children and so reunification is really not on the table anymore. The hearing ended on that sad pronouncement and we all slowly stood to leave the room.

 

As I walked past the kids bio mom, who had tears streaming down her face, I touched her arm and she leaned in and gave me a hug. I felt so sad for her in that moment. The case worker had mentioned how much better she looked, how much healthier she seemed and it was true. She was radiating with health and positivity. She was not the same woman I remembered her being. I know she worked hard to get to this point and I cannot imagine how hurtful it must feel to know all that work is for naught, in regards to getting her children back. Certainly, being healthier is better for her own self, but it won’t bring her children back to her. That’s a hard thing to come to terms with, I don’t doubt. The case worker proclaimed she did this to herself and certainly, if she had made these positive changes a year ago or even two years ago, the outcome might have been different. I certainly hope she is able to maintain her sobriety and healthy lifestyle because she could still participate in her children’s lives. I’m not opposed to arranging visits with her, if she is still healthy. I would be happy to send her pictures and little daycare crafts from time to time. My worry is this loss will pull her down and stop her forward progress. I hope to be proven wrong!

 

I asked bio mom for her address so I could send her copies of the pictures I took before court and older pictures of the kids. She jotted down her cell number and so I text her as soon as I had a chance. Hopefully she will respond with her address and I can send her a few things and open a line of communication. I also asked the county case worker about the little ones spending the weekend with their grandmother while I am at my sister’s wedding. She was fine with me arranging that and didn’t know why CHOR would make a big deal about it. She suggested I do that, rather than worry about the respite, since it’s been a hassle. I confessed to be having difficulties with CHOR and getting respite. I told her I didn’t think CHOR wanted me to tell her that, but it’s the truth. I also professed my anger over the issues regarding Love Bug’s tooth emergencies. She pretty much gave me the green light to proceed with caring for him when those urgent issues arise. She agreed a child should not be made to suffer because of bureaucratic red tape. It felt good to know she agreed with me on those areas, but I also felt sneaky, like I was cheating on CHOR because I like my county case worker better than I do my CHOR case worker.

 

So, we soldier on. We deal with the issues that will creep up because Chica Marie saw her mom for the first time in a year and try to keep having visits with her sister who is stuck between two homes at the moment. I would like to say I hope we won’t have to attend the next court hearing in November, but sadly, I think we will be there. The TPR hearing that was scheduled for yesterday did not happen. It was continued and I don’t know if it has been rescheduled or when it might take place. I read on another blog that in foster care time is not counted in days, but in months and that is certainly true.  

TPR #Microblog Monday

Today is the TPR hearing for the little ones mom. I’m much more nervous about the outcome of this court hearing than I was when they were terminating Primero’s mom’s rights. Then, I knew what to expect. She had signed the termination papers and agreed to the courts terminating her parental rights for Primero. There were no surprises, no battles, no contesting the court decision. I don’t know that the option to sign termination papers was even presented to the little ones mom. She has been much more adversarial than Primero’s mom and sometimes I felt like she fought just for the sake of fighting. Other times, I know she thought she was fighting the right battle, the right injustices, but she was going about it in the wrong manner. So, I’m not sure what to expect from this court hearing. I’m glad we don’t need to be there, I’m sure it’s not pleasant. I’m hoping the county case worker will update us tomorrow when we have court so we know the outcome. Then, we wait the 30 day appeal time and get moving on the adoption paperwork to make our little family official!

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Preschool Graduation

Last night was Chica Marie’s preschool graduation. Now, I personally think these little grade school graduations are silly, but I understand they are marking a stepping stone for the kids and sure, those milestones should be celebrated. The daycare did a good job last night with the celebration. And the kids did good with what they had prepared to present to the parents. Of course Chica Marie was the most vibrant and involved little one there. She’s a smart little girl and very in tuned to people and her surroundings. The event was held outside in their grassy play area and there were 6 kids “graduating” to start kindergarten in the fall. The kids wore yellow and purple caps and gowns and they pledged to the American flag and the Christian flag then introduced themselves and sang and danced to three songs. We were given Subway sandwiches and cupcakes after the graduation service. What was extra nice was they kept the little siblings in their classroom so they weren’t distracting the graduation ceremony. Love Bug didn’t particularly love this arrangement because he gets so excited to see me at the end of the day, but he did ok while I was with Chica Marie. Primero was at home because the celebration began right after I got out of work and I didn’t have time to run home and get back to the daycare. I think Primero was ok with this arrangement. I had bought Chica Marie a bouquet of bright daisy flowers and a graduation balloon, which she was excited to receive after getting her diploma. All-in-all, it was a lovely way to mark the beginning of a new chapter for the kids starting their formal educational journey.

 

I found out just after lunch today that the kids have court on Tuesday. The county case worker sent an email asking if I had been notified. Um, no! Luckily it is scheduled for Tuesday because my training in Harrisburg is Wednesday and Thursday next week and that would have made being in court not possible. And I have no idea why we must go to court. It made no sense when we did it for Primero and his mom’s rights were terminated and the adoption was imminent, and it makes no sense for the little guys. I guess the only good thing is I can ask the county case worker about the outcome of the TPR hearing which is scheduled for the day before. But, nothing like last minute notice!

I Need a Respite Fairy!

Have I mentioned the respite shortage going on with CHOR lately? Oh, I have? Well, next weekend my sister is having a bachelorette get away near where she lives in Virginia. Many moons ago I asked for respite for this event, since I was admonished for not asking soon enough for her bridal shower. Not like it would have mattered because CHOR has the foster homes so stuffed full of kids it’s next to impossible to find respite. Not to mention the fact that summer is starting and that means summer vacations. Great! Anyway, my case worker called me just after lunch to inform me she found a respite home for the bachelorette weekend, with the caveat that should the home receive a placement it’s a no-go. Er, ok? I needed to solidify my reservations with the crew weeks ago, so little good this news does me now! The case worker was so self-congratulatory it was sickening. Oh, gee she really did me a solid by finding respite when I can’t go because A) the respite is conditional and my reservations are not and B) I didn’t make reservations because I didn’t know I had respite. I could try to see if I can squeeze in, if the plans have some wiggle room, but then I’m going no if and or buts! I don’t want to jostle plans only to turn around and say, never mind the respite home got a placement and I can’t go. What sort of sense does that make? Who lives their life like this, I ask you? Is there any wonder it’s hard to find good foster homes? My other option, and what is seeming more likely at this point, is to just have a me and Primero weekend. He’s been asking for one and given all the little things that have been floating around, I think it might be a good idea. So, the respite wouldn’t go to waste, assuming it actually pans out. Nothing like making things easy, right?!

Soften the Blow

I had a busy afternoon at work yesterday. I was away from my desk and so not near my cell phone, which I keep locked in one of my drawers when I’m not at my desk. Primero had tried to call me several times while I was unavailable. When I finally got a chance to take an afternoon break, I noticed he called and had also sent me a text message. He had taken it upon himself to walk to Esperanza’s house after school, rather than going home, which was a much shorter walk. I was livid. He had asked me in the morning if his sister could come watch Love Bug with him since I was talking Chica Marie to the baccalaureate celebration at a local high school. Her daycare director was giving the main speech and he wanted to incorporate kids dressed in career costumes and cap and gowns into his speech. It was adorable and Chica Marie did a really good job, even if she did cry the whole way home because people were laughing at her. Sigh.

 

Anyway, I picked Primero up after work and after some of my anger had dissipated. He was also more calm but rather unapologetic and could not answer why he walked with his sister to her house rather than go the shorter distance to our house. I tried to get him to see it as a sign of disrespect because he and I had numerous conversations about him not being at that house, but he simply wouldn’t see it that way. Typical teen, I suppose. He ended up watching Love Bug on his own and I think mostly just ignored the poor kid because he was angry at me. Love Bug was extra clingy last night and this morning, but hopefully tonight he will be more settled.

 

After I got home, got the kids to bed and washed the dishes I didn’t have time to wash before we left, I sat down to catch up on text messages and Facebook. I noticed Primero had posted a video from when he was “live” on Facebook from school. I noticed the comments and that his mom commented a bunch of times. Listening to the video, I heard when Primero announced her comments and acknowledged her as his mom to his school friends who were in the video with him. In observing the interactions, it seemed to me that his mom was trying to be one of the cool kids. She was using the same lingo and language they were using and never said one word about them goofing off while being in school (granted, it is the end of the school year and most of the kids had gone to the day field trip, so there wasn’t a whole lot going on, but still it IS school). I ruminated about this and finally, my first thought when I woke up this morning, gave me some insight. I won’t call it an epiphany because I think I’ve had this concept come to mind before, but something about it struck me a little deeper than it had before. Primero doesn’t treat me like a mom because he doesn’t really know what a mom does. He had to take care of his mother when he was younger and still to this day he tries to protect her and stick up for her. He doesn’t have to take care of me and I don’t let him. Perhaps it was different in the past, but from what I’ve seen, his mother acts more like she is a contemporary and less like the adult figure, especially when he is around friends. In front of me she tries to parent him more, but, as evidenced in the video on Facebook, that doesn’t seem to be her go to M.O. When around Primero’s friends I try to let him be himself but I’m not afraid to take him aside if need be or gently parent the friends if needed. I also have the expectation that Primero follow the rules and if he chooses not to then he will suffer the consequences. I don’t really have any insight personally regarding what his mother did, but I’ve heard that Primero often got away with doing whatever he wanted and I think that is also evidenced in Hermano. Acknowledging that Primero might be recognize mothering for what it is somewhat softens the blow but only a percentage.  

Facebook Tag

Generally I love Facebook. I love the opportunity to get a peek into the life and times of people I know or knew at one time. I think it’s a great way to keep up with people I would not ordinarily get to stay in touch with, like my Peace Corps friends. But, then some days I hate Facebook for all the social faux pas and the intricate little things that would fly under the radar if it was happening in real life. Here’s my example from yesterday.

 

Primero text me that he got a 90% on his math test. This is a HUGE deal for him for various reasons, one being he is self-proclaimed terrible at math and has never been able to get a good grade in the subject, but also because this proves to him what I told him all along – he isn’t stupid, he is smart when he applies himself and when he is taught in a way he can learn. His math teacher was one of his favorites and I know that was a contributing factor to his success, but it was also a catalyst for him to work hard. I text him back that I was so proud of him and all the hard work he has been doing this year in school. While he is still most likely going to fail one or two subjects, he has overall done much, much better this year than he did last year and the year before that. So, yay!

 

Where does Facebook come into play in this narrative, you ask. Well, I noticed on my afternoon break that Primero had posted something about this grade on Facebook. He tagged people as well, but not me (ouch). His mom, one of the tagged people, responded and he said, “Thanks mom.” Ok, no big deal. Some other woman responded with a “good job baby boy” and he responded, “Thanks mom.” Wait, hold up! First of all, who is this person? And who is she to call you “baby boy” and give you a kissy face emoji? And why in the hell are you calling her MOM??!?! I was so crushed. I had responded and got a simple “Thank you” from him, no mom. Damn! This random woman (I asked him about her later and he said she was his best friend’s mom when he was younger) gets a thank you MOM for what? Does she give him money to spend on Amazon for those grades? Will she be taking him for his driving permit this Saturday? Has she fought with him to DO his school work and get the grades he is getting? I mean, HOLY SH*T!!! I wish I could say this doesn’t bother me, but that’s a lie. I wish I could say this can’t hurt me anymore, but that’s also a lie. I don’t know how often the same wound can be reopened, but apparently at least once more. I didn’t confront him about it. I only asked about the woman and who she was, I didn’t tell him it tore my heart out and slammed it into the ground to see him call her “mom.” I said nothing. I keep hoping at some point I will become numb to it and the pain won’t touch me. Yesterday was not that day. I remind myself of my place in his life. It is a supporting role and nothing more. And it won’t matter how hard I try to earn the title of mom, nothing short of an act of God will make that happen. Still, it hurts like hell to see some woman who hasn’t laid eyes on him in years (to my knowledge) get that coveted name I won’t ever hear. And sadly, I feel like he is a lot less inclined to include me in any way than he was in the past. I feel like I have really been sidelined in his life and I can’t figure out why. Yes, I know teenagers are supposed to pull away from their parents as they age, but it’s not that. I mean, why not tag me in the Facebook message? Sure, I already knew about it, but what does it hurt to include me? It’s so strange because our day-to-day life has been going well. I think we need to plan some quality time together, just the two of us. That won’t be easy with the lack of respite possibilities, but we shall do what we can.

#Microblog Monday My Inagural Post

Not sure what #Microblog Mondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate.

So, generally speaking, I don’t promote my blog, since the purpose is for really just for me to spill my inner thoughts regarding infertility, foster care and adoption. But, I have been reading the other blogs on The Stirrup Queens MicroBlog Monday’s and finally felt compelled to join. My goal is to post a microblog every Monday this month. That is, if I do it correctly! It might be hard for me to keep it short and sweet, since I tend to be long winded, but that just adds to the challenge!

 

I don’t think I am shy in telling people I have a 16 year old son. I’m proud of him and I’m proud to be his mom. But, probably 9 out of 10 times I mention having a 16 year old son I get the comment, “you’re so young to have a son that age!” Sigh. The problem is multi-faceted. First, I generally look younger than my age. I’m 34 years old and often times I’m still carded for things. It can be bothersome, but I like it better than the alternative. I’m blessed to have good genes and, if my parents are any indication, that will last for many more years. But, in this sense it is more complex. It’s hard enough being adopted at age 16 let alone having everyone point that out incessantly. Which is what happens when people comment that I look too young to be the mother of a teenager. I try to give people the benefit of doubt, so I think they are trying to compliment me on my youthful appearance verses the passive aggressive dig at what they might believe to be my teenage folly. It doesn’t bother me, per se, what bothers me is my desire to respond to assure them I did not have my son at age 18. I am just a few months younger than Primero’s mother. She did indeed have her fourth child at age 18. I think, in a subconscious way, I am trying to set myself apart from her and I also just don’t want people thinking I was a teenage mom. So, this leads me to two solutions. I grin and bear it or I out us as an adoptive family. I’ve been really pushing myself to keep his adoption under wraps because I don’t want him to spend his life being reminded he was adopted. I know that he knows, obviously, but I don’t think it needs to be a near daily reminder. Often times, if this comment comes up in front of Primero he will tell the commenter that he is adopted. I just wish I could have a kind “mind your own business” comment handy for when this comes up. Kind of like I did the one time Chica Marie was questioned if she looked like daddy, since her and I are not the same race. I winked and said, “I don’t know” and left it at that. Still, on the scale of importance, this adoption issue scores very low. Any suggestions on how to handle it (preferably with a combination of humor and grace) would be appreciated!

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Pomp and Circumstance

Last night Primero and I attended Esperanza’s graduation. Her aunt and uncle were there, as was her boyfriend, Mr. J and his girlfriend, her roommate, her youngest sister, as well as her former step-father and his wife. I did see on Facebook that her father showed up too, but he wasn’t sitting with the rest of us. The ceremony was nice, held in the football stadium. She went to a small school, so there were about 100 graduates. The ceremony took a little over an hour and we all cheered loudly when Esperanza received her diploma. Primero and I had gotten a cute stuffed dog wearing a black graduation cap that we had everyone sign to give to her. We also got a card and I hadn’t intended for everyone to sign the card, but they did. I slipped $20 into the card before sealing it to give to her. Once the ceremony was over we met up with Esperanza for some photos and to congratulate her. Primero’s uncle mentioned going to Appleby’s and Primero really wanted to go but by this time it was 8:30 and we were a thirty minute drive from town. We had promised the baby-sitter we would be home by 9:30 because she worked the next morning. Primero was furious with me for not allowing him to go along and he obstinately refused to talk to me or put his seat belt on in the car. I pulled over and asked him to get strapped in and instead he crawled into the back of the van. Sigh. Teenage temper-tantrums are never fun!

 

There are sometimes when we are at family functions, that Primero acts different and it bugs me. Last night there was visible evidence that I was an outsider. I sat at the end of a bleacher, against the chain-link fence, facing forward. Primero sat with his back to me so he was facing his uncle. Getting off the bleacher I got a horrible cramp in the back of my upper thigh. Primero laughed at me and marched off with his family. Not one ounce of consideration. I have tried to school myself into not caring about any of these things, to ignore his callousness and to try to gouge out my own place in this world I’m trying to stitch together. Sadly, I very often don’t feel like I belong. I feel like I try, I feel like I’ve been around long enough that this uneasiness should subside, but it’s still very prominent. Too prominent. I mean, I felt more at home in a foreign country than I do spending time with Primero’s extended family! Ouch! I keep hoping it will get better. I keep trying to put myself out there, to join in when I think it’s appropriate. I just don’t feel like I’m quite there yet. I’m no longer standing outside on the porch, but I’m certainly not chilling at the kitchen table with my feet propped up. I know this takes time and I know that things have improved from where they were in the very beginning. I just need to keep being patient and let things unfold as they will. And, lest it sound otherwise, I was very grateful to have been there last night to celebrate Esperanza’s accomplishment.