Self Care

 “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

 

Self-care. I’m probably doing it wrong. Someone telling me I need to take time to care for myself triggers me. It makes me angry. Not because I don’t want to take care of myself, but because the demand that I do is just one more demand on me, one more admonishment to do something I’m probably not doing right or the person wouldn’t have to tell me about it. It never fails, if I am telling someone about how hard virtual schooling has been and how stressful it is to simultaneously be expected to work from home, the response is “What do you do to take care of you?” Because adding more things to my ever-growing list of stuff I’m not doing or not doing enough is going to help. Let’s be real here. Things are not easy right now. Our world got up-ended in March and it is still weeble-wobbling around unsettled. I had been working on getting additional child care options prior to Covid. I had mostly gotten all my plates spinning in the same direction and it was manageable. But, quarantine smashed them all to the ground. So, now I am trying to patch it all back together, but we have some missing pieces. I think what bugs me the most about someone questioning my self-care is what they don’t know. I make a point to have time to sit and relax at night when the kids go to bed. I clean my house so I can stay sane. I have been getting up and doing yoga every weekday morning for about three months now. I have found a meditation app and I use it almost every weekday morning. Once a week I take a soaking bath in Epsom salts. I shower regularly and I am constantly trying to eat healthier (of course I slip up a lot, but I’m learning to forgive myself and so should you). I have set my phone to dim at a certain time at night, reminding me to make my way to bed. I am not doing nothing! But, life is like a sieve. The more I dumb in, the more runs out. I just haven’t reached a catch up point. I would need like a two-week, kid-free all expenses paid vacation and that just hasn’t materialized. So, I keep making an effort to do the things I can do and add other things when I can afford them and make the time to make it happen. Ironically, I find it stressful finding a reliable option for child care so I can do some of the extra stuff, which is another reason I hold back. I think, rather than adding to the load when things are hard, it might be more helpful to offer support. Is there anyone or anything that can help you take care of yourself? Don’t add more pressure or demands – hey you! Take care of yourself dammit! Anyway, aren’t we all just doing the best we can right now?

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Covid Scare

 We had our first covid scare. Friday, the kid's therapist contacted me stating she was going to get tested. We had plans for Chica Marie's friend to spend the night on Saturday. I text the mom and let her know what was going on. I also text my supervisor because my job is pretty strict about contact tracing. She was getting her test expedited and hoped to have the results by Sunday evening. Work wanted me to self-quarantine pending the results. If the results were positive, I needed to get tested and have my doctor fill out a form before I could return to work. The kids would also need to be tested. Fortunately, the results came back early, on Saturday, and they were negative. We were able to resume our lives without quaranting. But, there was a lot of confusion regarding what was my responsibility (do I tell the daycare or does she, since she had been seeing the kids there?) and what was the exact protocol. I am so glad the test was negative. 

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Multi-tasking

 A few weeks ago I was tasked with presenting information in a virtual staff meeting. When my supervisor asked me about it I groaned. The meeting is held on a Wednesday morning, which means I would be working from home. This means there is a very high likelihood something embarrassing will happen when it is my turn to present. I did my best to prepare, had the paper with what I wanted to say in front of me. I warned the children that I would be in my meeting and they could not disturb me or make noise. I asked them to quiet the dogs if they started to bark. I held my breath, unmuted my microphone and started my video. As I began presenting, Love Bug sidled up to me and climbed into my lap, tapping my cheek and trying to get my attention. I hugged him, held his hand and continued without breaking my stride. Not to be out-done, the cat, who is not allowed on the table, sashayed across my laptop in front of the video several times while my full focus and attention were on presenting the information professionally. Love Bug began humming and tried to pry the headphone from my ear. I snuggled him closer, pressed the headphone tighter into my ear and finished my presentation without missing a beat. I was pretending that none of those things were happening. Pay no mind to the man behind the curtain! But, the site administrator called attention to the chaos and applauded my ability to multi-task. I was just grateful everyone remained quiet during my presentation. This isn’t the first time I have had to summon my ability to simultaneously handle something happening in front of me while continuing to engage professionally. This is working from home as a single parent. It is our new normal for as long as virtual meetings are occurring. I’ve done my best to make peace with it. I try not to get frustrated with my kids when they interrupt, but sometimes it makes me batty trying to continually split my attention. What is even more worrisome to me is my inability to do just one thing at a time. I have been trying to meditate in the mornings but I find myself unable to *just* meditate, not meditate and eat my breakfast or meditate and get my laptop booted up for the day or meditate and check the kids school schedule. I don’t sit and watch a show, I am reading or on my cell phone at the same time. I am folding laundry and watching a video and talking to one of my kids. Part of it is my need to be productive because when I slack off the work just piles up. Some of it is because I am a single parent and I have to be able to handle multiple tasks simultaneously. But, a lot of it is the societal need to be busy and that even extended into quarantine during a global pandemic. I am thankful I was able to maintain my focus during the virtual staff meeting, but I am hoping to break my multi-tasking habits for a mentally healthier me.

 Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.