Pomp and Circumstance

Last night Primero and I attended Esperanza’s graduation. Her aunt and uncle were there, as was her boyfriend, Mr. J and his girlfriend, her roommate, her youngest sister, as well as her former step-father and his wife. I did see on Facebook that her father showed up too, but he wasn’t sitting with the rest of us. The ceremony was nice, held in the football stadium. She went to a small school, so there were about 100 graduates. The ceremony took a little over an hour and we all cheered loudly when Esperanza received her diploma. Primero and I had gotten a cute stuffed dog wearing a black graduation cap that we had everyone sign to give to her. We also got a card and I hadn’t intended for everyone to sign the card, but they did. I slipped $20 into the card before sealing it to give to her. Once the ceremony was over we met up with Esperanza for some photos and to congratulate her. Primero’s uncle mentioned going to Appleby’s and Primero really wanted to go but by this time it was 8:30 and we were a thirty minute drive from town. We had promised the baby-sitter we would be home by 9:30 because she worked the next morning. Primero was furious with me for not allowing him to go along and he obstinately refused to talk to me or put his seat belt on in the car. I pulled over and asked him to get strapped in and instead he crawled into the back of the van. Sigh. Teenage temper-tantrums are never fun!

 

There are sometimes when we are at family functions, that Primero acts different and it bugs me. Last night there was visible evidence that I was an outsider. I sat at the end of a bleacher, against the chain-link fence, facing forward. Primero sat with his back to me so he was facing his uncle. Getting off the bleacher I got a horrible cramp in the back of my upper thigh. Primero laughed at me and marched off with his family. Not one ounce of consideration. I have tried to school myself into not caring about any of these things, to ignore his callousness and to try to gouge out my own place in this world I’m trying to stitch together. Sadly, I very often don’t feel like I belong. I feel like I try, I feel like I’ve been around long enough that this uneasiness should subside, but it’s still very prominent. Too prominent. I mean, I felt more at home in a foreign country than I do spending time with Primero’s extended family! Ouch! I keep hoping it will get better. I keep trying to put myself out there, to join in when I think it’s appropriate. I just don’t feel like I’m quite there yet. I’m no longer standing outside on the porch, but I’m certainly not chilling at the kitchen table with my feet propped up. I know this takes time and I know that things have improved from where they were in the very beginning. I just need to keep being patient and let things unfold as they will. And, lest it sound otherwise, I was very grateful to have been there last night to celebrate Esperanza’s accomplishment.