Tepid First Step

I’ve been collecting my thoughts for this post, although I still feel like I’m mostly winging it. One hundred and thirteen days after all hell broke loose there has been movement towards reconciliation. In some ways, I feel like it’s a little too late and a little too hard to come back from these months of pain and no communication. I did have a little clarity, when I was speaking with Esperanza Wednesday night, into why this whole thing hurt me as badly as it did – I cared too much and had unrealistic expectations for our relationship. And, since I don’t do anything half-assed, I was all-in when it came to trying to establish the relationship I envisioned we both desired. I treated Esperanza as if she were my daughter or foster daughter. I treated her just as I treated Primero in regards to my expectations and my interactions. It turns out that isn’t what she wanted from me. I’m still not quite sure what it is that she wanted, but I clearly over-stepped my boundaries and when it came down to it, she lashed out as a way of telling me to back off. It hurt me because where I saw family, she didn’t and I suppose that would hurt anyone’s feelings.

 

Let me back up and describe how this all came about. Wednesday evening we went to the Quick Care for a doctor to take a look at my toe since it wasn’t feeling any better and seemed to be getting infected. I had forgotten I made an appointment for a financial planner I had met at the job fair earlier this month and so rushed home from the Urgent Care to meet with him. As we were wrapping up our conversation, Primero came into the kitchen and said Esperanza needed me to sign paperwork from her school and she couldn’t get a ride to our place. The paperwork needed to be handed in the following day. I had received an email earlier in the day regarding this paperwork, so I knew I needed to sign it, but I didn’t realize it needed to be done so quickly. I was irritated because it was already almost 9 pm and well past the bedtime for the little ones. After the financial planner left Primero told me Esperanza had hoped to talk to me about things when we went to her house to sign the paperwork. Sigh. I was so tired and it was late and the kids needed to get to bed. But, I saw no way out of it and so agreed to have the conversation. We drove to Esperanza’s house and I signed what I needed to and then Primero took the kids and Esperanza’s boyfriend upstairs so we could talk alone.

 

To say it was awkward is a gross understatement. We sat side by side staring at our hands quietly for what seemed like hours. Esperanza apologized and said she didn’t really know what to say. I confessed that I was letting her guide this because, as I stated above, I had over-stepped boundaries and didn’t want to do that again. I told her I know I am nothing to her and I won’t push myself into a situation where I am not wanted. She said she didn’t want things to be awkward between us when we see one another at family functions and whatnot. I told her I know how to be cordial and I would never start something at a family function. She seemed to be asking how to fix things back to where they were before, but the reality is we can never get back to that. I was taking on a role I should not have been taking on and she was playing along until it got to be too much. I’m not sure really what sort of relationship we will have and suggested she be the one to define it, since I got it wrong before. Maybe she was just looking for a good friend to help her out and I just didn’t get that message, I’m not sure.

 

The good news is that instead of standing stagnant, we have made a move. It was a tepid move, something akin to picking up the tools needed to repair the relationship, but any movement is better than stagnation. Esperanza invited me and Primero to her graduation next week and I’m glad to be going. We shall just have to move slow and see where things go from here.