Last week was very stressful, things were crazy with Chica
Marie’s school and I had to have a biopsy and the emotional fallout from that –
I was just a mess. Rather than recuperating over the weekend, my stress went
off the charts as I felt like I was raked over the coals emotionally. I managed
to do nothing yesterday but that didn’t make it a day of relaxation. I really
need to find time to de-stress and soon because I feel like I’m mere inches
away from a total breakdown.
I had hoped for a quiet weekend, but things started out with
an aborted sleep-over Friday night. Esperanza and Cousin were at my place when
I got home from work. Primero didn’t have school, so he invited them over in
the afternoon. He didn’t clear this with me and I had hoped to have just us
four for dinner, since we eat out and I didn’t have a ton of money for dinner
that night. Unfortunately, with two extra guests, the only dinner I could
afford was fast food. The teens were having a good time, joking about a cute
boy behind the counter and being silly. We went back home and were just
unwinding together in the living room when Esperanza abruptly got up and left
the room. She went downstairs to Primero’s room and the other two teens soon
followed. After a few minutes Primero came back upstairs to ask me my opinion
on what was happening. Esperanza was having issues with her landlord claiming
she wasn’t paying rent when she was and stating the other roommate was angry
about Cousin living there. It was a jumbled mess and sadly, the only advice I
had was to leave and find another place to stay. Esperanza stated she needed to
go home and refused a ride, choosing to walk instead. Of course Cousin was
going with her, but two pretty young girls walking through the city at night –
not the best of ideas. Primero wanted to walk with them, which I refused. But,
I could see on his face and in his mannerisms, this was going to cause a
problem. He has a high need to take care of his sister, to be her protector
even if she doesn’t want him to be. So, to avoid issues between the two of us,
I asked if he would feel better chasing her down. We grabbed the little ones
and strapped them in the van to drive after them. When we saw them, we pulled
over and Primero jumped out to talk to them, leaving me and the kids in the car
waiting. Primero came back alone, stating the girls were going to walk and
check in with him periodically and he was ok with that. So, we drove the short
distance back home and I spent a lot of time biting my tongue and not saying
what was on my mind.
Because I had already agreed to take her to work when she
was staying over, Saturday morning I got myself and the little ones ready to go
so we could leave the house by 11 to drive Esperanza to work. Primero got out
of bed and was tired and dragging his feet so we made Esperanza late to work.
Cousin came back home with us. Primero stated Hermano was on his way with his
girlfriend and new baby for a visit. They had a few places they wanted to visit
while in the area and would let us know when they were headed to our house. The
house was a mess because we’ve been so busy this summer I haven’t had the time
or energy to get it cleaned up, at least not to my standards. So, I started
cleaning the living room, asking Primero to help. Since the little ones were
napping, I decided to jump in the shower before the company arrived.
It’s not easy seeing a brand new baby with these kids as
parents. The baby is tiny but Love Bug was smaller, although I don’t remember
him being so small, I know he was. Primero changed the baby’s diaper and tried
to get him to open his eyes. I was worried that Love Bug would be jealous
seeing us hold the baby but instead he was very interested in the baby, wanting
to hold him and look at him. It was very cute. The mom looked totally spent and
I felt bad for her since she was the one driving. She brought along two of her
friends but I guess neither of them drive. After visiting us they took the baby
to visit Esperanza on her break, then off to one of the mom’s friends places
before attending the cook out at the uncle’s house.
Primero’s aunt and uncle moved from their apartment into a
town house just outside the city. The decided to have a cook out and invite
everyone over to celebrate their bigger space. There were a lot of people at
the cook out, mostly family, including Primero’s youngest sister and her
brothers who know Chica Marie and Love Bug from daycare. The kids were playing
nicely together, except Love Bug kept throwing things over the short fence into
the back alley. And Chica Marie was picking berries off a holly tree and
pretending to eat them while Love Bug was not pretending. I spent my time
chasing after the kids, trying to keep them outside and out of trouble. I asked
Primero to watch them so I could eat and he gave me a hard time, treating me
like I had the plague or like I was the dumb dorky kid in school he got stuck
doing a project with and resented me and need to put me down to act cool in
front of his friends. Not great. So, when he finally came to watch the kids for
a moment, he was angry, claiming he couldn’t enjoy his food. I was able to grab
a plate but really had nowhere to sit and eat. I ate quickly so Primero could
go back to doing whatever he was doing nowhere near me. I tried to interact
with some of the adults I knew and some that I didn’t know, but mostly I was
chasing after Love Bug and the two little boys he was playing with. There was
loud rap music playing with inappropriate language, which Chica Marie reported
to me, “Mommy, this song isn’t for kids.” I was beginning to feel sick, with
cramps and the stress of the week squeezing every muscle into tight, angry
spasms. I text Primero that I was ready to go and he became angry. This is the
same dance we have every time. Primero never thinks we spend enough time and I
get tired easily because I have to watch the kids more than if we were at home.
He came to me and declared his uncle would bring him home. His uncle had been
drinking and I didn’t feel comfortable with him driving Primero home, even if
it was a short drive. Primero was irate and cocky in his response to me and he
stormed off. Not long after that he came back asking to sleep-over at another
uncle’s house. And I just didn’t care anymore. I rounded up the little ones and
left, only to remember I needed to stop at the grocery store because we had
nothing for breakfast, not even milk (Hermano drank the last of it). I got sick
at the store and had to drag the two kids into the bathroom with me. When we
got home I gave them a bath and put them to bed. Primero came home around 10:30
to grab some things. After treating me like trash, he tried to give me a hug
and I told him not to because I was angry with him. He stormed off.
I had told him we were going to the farm on Sunday and I
wasn’t sure what time, so I asked him to be home by 11 am. I text him at 11:30
to see where he was at. I called him just before 12:30 because he still wasn’t
home. The conversation was ugly. Primero was cruel and nasty. He didn’t want to
go to the farm, he wanted to stay at his uncle’s place. He asked if he had a
choice and I told him no, he needed to go with us to the farm. He came home
around 1:30, which was when I wanted to leave. At the farm, he refused to get
out of the van. My sister went and spoke to him for a little while and he did
eventually come out to eat. After dinner he began asking me what we had planned
for Monday. I told him nothing and I knew he was cooking something up. As we
were leaving the farm, he finally asked me if he could go back to his uncle’s
house, the one he has just started talking to, not the one we see fairly
regularly. I told him I didn’t want to answer him right then, I wanted to think
about it. When we got home Primero became extremely helpful and hovered while I
bathed the children and got them ready for bed. He wanted an answer. I was not
understanding the urgency until he revealed he wanted to sleep-over again. After
the way he acted that day? No. He flew into a rage, yelling he was going to his
room and not coming out as he stomped downstairs. I finished getting the kids
ready for bed and let them chill for a bit watching TV while Primero text me
how angry he was. I told him I wanted to talk to him once the children were
asleep and he said he was too angry to speak to me. After Love Bug was asleep I
went downstairs thinking we could talk. Primero was curled in a ball on his sofa
with his hoodie pulled over his head, covering his eyes. He would not look at
me, he would not really talk to me, just mumble into the arm of the couch.
I was surprisingly calm for almost the entire conversation. But,
the conversation was awful, just awful. Primero said our families were too
different and he refused to see any commonalities that there might be. He told
me how he feels cut off from his family, despite seeing them regularly (and definitely
more than his younger sisters do!), and he wants to be with them because things
are going really good now. After dancing around and around the topic he finally
declared he wanted to live with his uncle and that his uncle was ok with that.
When I reminded him he was adopted and not in his uncle’s custody, he threatened
to run away. He called his uncle, who did not want to talk to me, instead promising
we could speak on Monday. The conversation ended with Primero telling me he had
made a choice and didn’t care what the consequences and ramifications might be,
he only cared about being with his biological family.
Let me stop here. There is a lot to unpack from this
altercation and I’ve had a lot of very strong feelings about many players in
this saga. I’m not trying to cast stones, but I am so hurt and so disappointed
in Primero and his uncle for many, many reasons. I feel like Primero was trying
to emotionally manipulate me and, since his uncle never followed through with conversing
with me, I feel like he is being duplicitous. To my face, he tells me he supports
Primero’s adoption and appreciates what I’ve done and what I continue to do.
But, if what Primero tells me is true (and since I cannot ask the uncle these
things face to face), he was willing to break up our family simply because he
doesn’t think I trust him. Well, if I didn’t trust him before, I certainly don’t
trust him now. I am happy that Primero’s family is healing and coming back together,
but that does not give them the right to tear my family apart. At this point in
time I feel like Primero’s family has critically damaged our relationship, that
they are no longer seeking to be supportive and inclusive, but they are trying
to drive a wedge between us. Had his uncle made it a priority to talk to me
yesterday, as I had requested, I might think differently, but at this point I
see them as toxic and hostile towards my family. How can I allow Primero to
spend unsupervised time with them, to fill his head with lies or promises they
cannot keep? His uncle has no legal claim to him. And, as I told Primero, I
would have to be dead in order for them to dissolve the adoption because I
simply will not do it (not to mention I have no idea what the fall-out might be
for the little ones – would I be allowed to adopt after dissolving an adoption?).
If the uncle wanted to take custody he had nearly 3 years to do so and didn’t. How
can I trust someone who can look me in the eye and tell me they support me, but
then turn around and try to undercut the very thing they support?
I did nothing yesterday except the bare minimum to care for
the little ones. Primero hid in his room. I sat around waiting for his uncle to
contact me so we could talk and he never did. According to Primero, he was
moving Esperanza into his house. Most of the day I was a bundle of nerves,
literally shaking at some points. My stomach was queasy and breathing felt like
a chore. Primero did eat dinner with us but then went right back down to his
room. He didn’t say one word to me all day. After the little ones were asleep
(and Love Bug took a long time to actually fall asleep), I went downstairs to
talk to him. It went better than the night before and the tension lessened a
bit. But, this huge thing is still hanging in the air and I feel like there has
been a huge shift in our relationship. Fortunately, I had a therapy session
scheduled for this afternoon and Primero agreed to go along. I’m hoping it will
help with things because I don’t feel capable of continuing on. This load is
too massive and thorny. I know I am strong, but everyone has a breaking point
and I feel I am getting very close to mine.
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