Current Frustrations

Life is so frustrating at times! Here is a list of my current frustrations in no particular order:

 

1. I got the results back from my biopsy and everything is normal. I didn’t really expect to hear anything different. The slick-talking drug salesman, er nurse, tried talking me into the IUD again. When I balked, she ran through the gamut of contraceptives, including some new devise that is implanted in your arm – oh HELL no. When I again expressed a disinterest and explained why (I’ll own up to my irrational thinking – I don’t want to be on birth control because if I were to find someone I don’t want to have to think about stopping birth control or getting something ripped out of my arm), she just came round again to the various options of BIRTH CONTROL I could use. I asked about herbal supplements to help with heavy periods and she had no clue. They don’t have drug reps coming into their office promoting medicinal herbs, I guess.
2. While things between Primero and I have mellowed, this calm after the storm feels like walking on cracked ice. We are being nice to one another but there is still an underlying tension, still a possibility for things to flare up again at any notice. Our joint therapy session was helpful but we were barely scratching the edge of the very giant iceberg. The hurt is still fresh, still aching and while I know Primero’s tendency is to stuff it and move on, I just can’t do that this time. This was major to me not just because of the duration but the ferocity in his apathetic feelings towards our little mish-mashed family. I feel like all the bonding, all the talks, all the good times and bad were for naught because no matter how hard I try to be a good mother to him there is always one thing I will never, ever be – I will never be biological family to him.
3. While I’m not asking for a medal for doing what I do, it would be nice to hear a “thanks” or “I appreciate you” every now and again. I suppose that is asking too much, but I have done so much for Esperanza, it wouldn’t hurt to hear a few kind words. Granted, she did not ask us to take in her three kittens, but still acknowledging that it was a nice gesture would be appreciated. Instead, she text me to ask for her phone number to be changed because I bought her the phone for Christmas and she is still on my plan.
4. Visits with bio mom were cut-off in court June of 2015. TPR was initially scheduled for June of this year but postponed for unknown reasons (at least, unknown to me). CYS has been lackadaisical at best and negligent at worse in responding to needs regarding the children, especially Chica Marie in starting her new meds and getting paperwork handled for school. TPR was supposed to happen in September but is now scheduled for the end of October. After the two meetings with Chica Marie’s school, CYS agreed to get a court order to handle certain permissions and/or to get me educational guardianship, allowing me to sign necessary paperwork. The court order was drafted and awaiting the signature from the bio mom’s attorney. An email earlier this week stated bio mom would be available to sign any necessary paperwork, as needed. Are you SERIOUS?! Bio mom’s absence, as documented by the 9 phone calls, 3 emails and 2 letters from CHOR, was what held Chica Marie up from starting her new meds. With TPR looming and various incidents of bio mom being unavailable, how are you seriously going to let things go on like this? Wow, just wow. Chica Marie (and Love Bug, for that matter) deserves so much better than this! Welcome to our broken system where children are taken for their safety only to be treated like crap by bureaucracy.  
5. I have been trying to have a conversation with Primero’s uncle since our horrid conversation Sunday night. When we called him that night he didn’t want to talk, asking for us to meet on Monday. He indicated he had some errands to run in the morning but would be available in the afternoon. I text him just before 2 asking to have a chance to talk. He reiterated that he needed to run some errands but would be sure to contact me later in the day. Tuesday evening we drove to his house to get Cousin so she could help Primero get the kittens. Uncle came out to the car to chat, briefly. It was not the time or place, in front of the kids with the car running. He asked me to call him that night. I put the little ones to bed and called him around 8:30. He didn’t answer and he didn’t call back. Yesterday I drafted a message to send to him via text and on Facebook messenger. In essence I was trying to put him at ease, if he thought I was trying to be adversarial I wanted him to know that was not my intent. I asked him to meet with me so we could discuss three main topics and so we could get out in the open the things I’m sure we have both heard about one another from Primero. Crickets. It looked like he read it on Facebook messenger, but no response at all. So, we are stuck at this uncomfortable impasse and my hands are tied. I have tried everything, short of sneak attacking him in his home, to have a simple conversation regarding not just the issues from this past weekend but previous things and pave a way for smoother sailing going forward. What more can I do? I’m not trying to be aggressive, but I am also not comfortable with Primero visiting until we have cleared up a few things first. Primero gave the excuse that his uncle was tired and busy. Really? As a single, working, mother of three, I think I can safely say I know what busy and tired is, yet I would make time for this meeting because it is important to me. I guess that’s the rub; it’s just not important enough for him to make time to talk to me about his nephew. And it is so, so frustrating!
6. I have been dabbling in online dating for several months now. Most of the time the conversations peter out before any plans to meet can be solidified. And, if that’s not frustrating enough, constantly having to start over and get to know someone, there are also some real winners out there. Some are too needy and cannot fathom not getting all of my attention 100% of the time. It’s called being an adult, but sure blame it on the kids. Some are nice but noncommittal in making plans, just throwing ideas and times out at random with no follow up. Some move too fast, thinking we should be living together by the end of the week. The worst are the rude ones. I was talking to one guy for a few days and then one evening, out of the blue, he text me to tell me my new short haircut is “gross.” He asked me to grow it out for him. When I called him on his rudeness and refused to kowtow to his demands, he called me an ugly, short-haired dike. So, after touting himself as some super nice guy who never gets a chance, it turned out he was a super ass who couldn’t stomach a strong woman. No thanks, I’ll pass. Next, please!  
7. Speaking of my short hair, it has grown considerably since the cut two months ago. I feel it is at an awkward stage right now and I struggle with styling it. My hair is thick and not really straight, although it loses a lot of the body when it’s short, so there aren’t really any curls to speak of, except this annoying one at the base of my neck. So, I try to keep the back of my hair from sticking out and making me look like a mushroom while trying to coax some body into the front. I thought about getting it cut again and having the stylist thin it out, but a friend talked me out of it because the shorter pieces would most likely end up sticking up all over the place. So, I just have to hope it grows through this stage quickly and not feel too frustrated with the progress.