Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 35 years old. I had a
hard time turning 30 because I had hoped to be a mother by the time I was 30
and well, that didn’t happen. I’m not going to say I have the same hang-up
about turning 35, but the age has given me a moment’s pause. I am distinctly
aware, as I’m sure most inferiles are, that age 35 for a woman is when
fertility begins to wane. It is when the ticking of the clock becomes more
urgent because eggs are shriveling and hormones are slacking off. And that’s in
healthy women with normal reproductive systems.
Why should I care, you might wonder. Really, I shouldn’t
care, I have three kids and a full life and I’m happy. But, I suppose in that
tiny little corner of my brain, the part that still believes in unicorns, Pluto
as a planet, and gold at the end of a rainbow, I still hope to find someone and have a biological
child. There. I’ve said it. I’ve admitted this quiet little secret I’ve been harboring.
And turning 35 seems like a massive killjoy to such crazy dreams. Because, it’s
not just that I’m turning 35. It’s that I’m turning 35 alone, with no
significant other. Eh, I’ve been dabbling in online dating but it’s such a
crapshoot! There are so many crazies out there, wading through them could be a
full-time job. Not to mention the time it takes to respond to the messages and
weed out the no-go guys. Sigh. I’m glad to be celebrating another year of life
and I’m not discontent with how my life is right now. I guess I just want it
all, I still want the husband and kids and a big life shared with someone else.
I have written about having baby fever previously.
The feeling had died down a bit until Hermano came over with his tiny newborn
son and my dormant baby fever flamed to life. What's fun is I think Love Bug also has baby fever. When Hermano was visiting with his newborn, I worried it would upset Love Bug to see use all holding the baby. Instead, the only thing that upset him was when we took the baby from him after his turn "holding" the baby. He saw a picture of the baby on my phone as I was scrolling through Facebook last night and I had to stop and let him kiss the baby. I truly enjoy Love Bug at the age
he is right now, but I surely do miss when he was so tiny! Several nights a
week I dream of babies, tiny sleeping infants cuddled in my arms. This only
fuels my desire and try as hard as I might to extinguish it, I simply cannot.
So there you have it, I am certifiably crazy and one year older.
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