Whisper Down the Alley

“Wow, she has amazing eyelashes! So, thick and long!”

“Yeah, her little brother has great lashes too. Makes me jealous!”

“Does your husband have a brother?”

Er….

 

Chica Marie had a dentist appointment yesterday for her 6 month check-up. The dental hygienist assisting the first hygienist in cleaning her teeth commented on her fabulous eyelashes and somehow the conversation turned into an uncomfortable moment. Assuming the child is my biological daughter, the hygienist joke assumed her eyelashes came from her father, my husband, and asked if he had a brother, implying he would also have luscious lashes. Rather than correct her, I just smiled and concentrated on keeping the wiggly child from grabbing the tools from the hygienist’s hands. On one hand, I’m glad the assumption was Chica Marie was my biological child. But, the assumption that I was married to her father seems ludicrous when the reality is I have never met him. And, I’m not married. Luckily, the questioning and joking stopped so I didn’t have to explain and a simple smile got me through it.

 

When the dentist came to see Chica Marie he explained she had sustained some trauma to her top front teeth which was now causing problems because the teeth are decaying from the roots down. She has an abscess above one tooth, so they must be pulled. We were given a referral for an oral surgeon and sent on our way.

 

And the fun begins. Because TPR still hasn’t happened and somehow bio mom has become available (supposedly), we have to go the painful route of getting her to sign off on every medical procedure. I notified the CHOR case worker and county case worker and now must wait for approval. Here’s the rub, bio mom has this power over children she has seen twice (both times at court) in the last 15 months since visits were discontinued. She hasn’t seen the color of Chica Marie’s teeth, she didn’t hear what the dentist told me, and she can’t see the pimple-like abscess on her gum. Yet, she holds the power to approve or deny the prescribed treatment. We – me, Chica Marie, the medical staff – wait on her to make a decision based on whatever she is told in whisper-down-the-alley style.

 

What’s worse is as of right now I was not granted educational guardianship because bio mom has promised to be available, so all the forms that need to be signed have to go through her. This might not sound so end-of-the-world, but knowing it took over 6 weeks for Chica Marie to be approved to take a new medication because bio mom had questions about it, makes me so nervous. Thursday evening I am meeting with staff to review the need for a TSS worker and the CYS worker will be available via phone to sign off on it only because we set this up weeks ago at a meeting with the school. A meeting that bio mom did not attend. I hold out hope that TPR will really happen next month and we don’t have to worry about all of this craziness. Of course, if TPR had happened back in June, when it was initially supposed to happen, this craziness might have been avoided. Why it has taken so long is beyond me.

 

Earlier this month, when we had the second big meeting with Chica Marie’s school, the woman who approves the insurance payments for mental health treatments attended in person. After having multiple conversations with the mobile therapist, she was frustrated with how CYS was handling the child’s case and wanted to be there in person to smooth out communication. She had worked for a different Children and Youth Services in a neighboring county, so she understood the job of a case worker. When the CYS worker mentioned bio mom having private counsel, the insurance/former CYS worker understood this was a reason for so many of the delays. She said something to the effect that the appointed lawyers generally just urge their clients to agree with whatever terms CYS has offered whereas private counsel will fight every little thing on behalf of their clients. It actually made me feel sorry for the bio parents who can’t afford private counsel because I question if they are given a fair shake in the whole ordeal. Yet, having this whole case drag out, potentially because bio mom has her own lawyer, doesn’t seem fair either. As I’ve said before – there are no winners in foster care.