Whirling Dirvish

Most days I am just fine. I have my routine, I go to work and come home and have chores to handle around the house. I keep myself busy, visiting with friends, going out to eat, meeting a few guys. I don’t like living alone, I never really did, but I am trying to be ok with it. I have to be ok with it because it is my reality and probably will be for some time. I am working with my mortgage company and credit card companies to make ends meet and have been successful thus far. Flaco keeps promising to give me money to help pay the credit card debt, but thus far he has only given me $60. That’s not even enough for one payment….. 

I am fortunate to have so many people in my life who are thinking of me and who are offering me their support and morale. It’s the only thing that keeps me moving forward some days. That and my resistance to proving the county right, that I can’t handle this (quick blurb regarding that fiasco – BCCYS called CHOR three times demanding that CHOR drop me from being a foster parent. CHOR refused but they are requesting a letter or some kind of documentation from a mental health professional, that I am fit to be a foster parent. Apparently, after BCCYS read my blog, they thought my mental state was questionable. Really? I re-read it as I was deleting some information and it seemed to me like it was written by a person deeply hurt but fighting through the pain. Where they see weakness I see strength – maybe I’m just wearing my rose colored glasses again….).

So, I soldier on and on and on. Yet, I have a hard time looking to the future because the future I thought I knew has disappeared.  What I do not find helpful are the “you’re better off without him” comments or the “you’ll see, in the end this will be for the better” suggestions. I know the people telling me these things mean well and they are trying to find ways to lessen my pain and suffering, yet I find that these pat responses make me feel worse. First, by telling me I’m better off it negates how I am feeling right now, which is pretty shitty (I mean, I’m feeling shitty, although the negating how I feel can be viewed as shitty as well – but it not done with malice intent). I still love the man who has hurt me so much. I can’t just turn these feelings off at will. I am trying and I remind myself several times a day that he does not love me, he does not want me and I must move on. Saying I’m better off without him also devalues my time with him – at least in my mind. I already feel like the past 6 years have been wasted, but being better off without him just solidifies this thought of lost time. Things being better off in the long run seems to be a more helpful comment, but it too sweeps my current pain under the rug. Reaching that point where things are truly better will take time and a lot of healing. It won’t be tomorrow or the next day or next week or even next month, perhaps. Not that I want to wallow in self-pity, but I also can’t stuff these feelings deep inside either. I need to go through them. I thought this is what therapy is for, but I am finding that is not the case. At least not with my therapist, who seems to want to force me to admit I am depressed (um, anyone who has been through 3 years of infertility only to have it end with divorce and a failed adoption would be better dam bummed, I would say. But, read my lips “I AM NOT DEPRESSED.” Feeling sad and feeling upset about what happened or didn’t happen is not depression it’s called life.). But, I digress…..

So, as I mentioned, I have been seeing a few different guys. I met some from match.com and one I met through a previous co-worker who works with his mom. Lest anyone judge, let me first say that I am not seeing anyone seriously nor I am I looking to start something serious at the moment. I just need a distraction. And, except for one outing, I have been quite miserable going out. I despise the word “dating” and I loathe the idea that that is what I am doing….. Let me also be clear to say, I don’t need a man. It’s just at this point in my life, I would very much like to be married with at least a kid or two. And finding myself suddenly unattached, makes my head spin. Not my plan. Not my idea. Not what I want. None of these things matter. I have to deal with what I do have, put on my big girl panties, and move on. So, the first guy I met (Carlos) was a dud. No, worse than a dud he was a jerk. At some point I might tell the full story, but right now I will just say that I met him one night for drinks and after he felt it was appropriate to shove his tongue down my throat. And then text me incessantly to not “lose” me. I’m sure you can imagine where I told him to go and what I told him to do with himself there…. Then I met Babar (yes, his real name) and while he was rather innocuous in general, my spidey sense was tingling and I figured it best to get the hell outta Dodge. He texts me sometimes, but I have no interest in seeing him again. After, I met Julius. He is nice and respectful (the second time I met him, he asked if he could kiss me and was fine when I told him “no” ), but I just don’t have much interest in seeing him again either. I went to a baseball game with Brian. Other than nearly freezing to death, it was fine. But, (and this will sound so superficial and conceited, but it’s the truth) he is 27 and has rotten teeth. Just the thought of him trying to kiss me makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth….. So, no. Not seeing him again.

And finally, we come to Ryan. He is the only one I have not met through match. His mother works with a friend of mine and when we all went out for St. Patty’s day she suggested I meet her son. He is in a similar situation, meaning he is young (he is Flaco’s age) and his marriage has just ended. His wife went back to Texas, leaving him high and dry. We have gone out twice. The first night we went to dinner at a local restaurant and were finally kicked out after midnight. We were so engrossed in conversation the waitress had to come back three times before she could take our orders. And it was a school night, yikes! I saw him again Saturday night and only got home around 2:30 am (we were talking, nothing more). Last night he text me to see “where this is going” and I demurred, stating I wasn’t ready to give “us” a label and that I still need time to heal. I have a friend who has dubbed herself my brain, since I told her my head and my heart are not in agreement at the moment. She thinks I should keep seeing Ryan (and Julius and Brian) but I don’t know. See, I made this list. It is a list of things I want in a “man.” My friend thinks I am using it to find something wrong with every man I meet. Maybe I am. I can tell you right now, my heart cannot love anyone at the moment. Or I should say, my heart cannot love anyone new in a romantic sense. I love my parents, my friends, the dogs, myself, but not someone new. Not yet. I guess I’m just in a whirling dervish kind of situation. The world is spinning out of my control (not that the world was every in my control but I certainly felt like I had a better handle of the whole thing than I do now) and I can’t do a dam thing to stop it. 

Right now, my biggest comforts are listening to Joyce Myer (sometimes it feels like she has written her sermons just to suit my situation), being with friends and family, and reminding myself that I truly like who I am as a person. (Notice how therapy didn’t make the list?) I have been keeping myself busy by gardening (which is strange because I’ve never really taken care of my flower beds before. They look more beautiful now than ever before!), making the house all mine (my sister came and helped me remove the old pictures and reminders and all his lingering things), and getting out of the house as much as I can. The money I had been saving for an anniversary cruise (that date is looming closer and closer) is now the money I am using to go to LA with my sister. I leave Friday (4/27) and I am very excited! I have a direct flight from Philly to LAX and will meet my sister there (she is flying out of Reagan). I will see my friend Maria and my sister is seeing a college roommate. I have planned a crazy busy schedule for us! And, we are going to try to get on a taping of The Price is Right! It will be great! And, I am hoping it will give me some new perspectives on things.   

Starting Over

I am here. I'm not always all there, but I am here. I am surviving. There is a lot to say, but I can't say it all right now. I am alone - well, other than the two dogs (yeah, the Monster is back....) and two cats. I am doing fine. I am not on medications, prescribed or otherwise, and I have not lost my mind either. I have been seeing a therapist, but I don't like him. Another part of the story, I suppose. I have met a few men, something I will explore here later. So, this blog was shut down due to what happened with the baby. I have scrubbed telling information from the blog, regarding the foster baby I had. This blog is really no longer about infertility, but I need an outlet, so indulge me as I write about the mess I find myself in right now. Honestly, I never wrote for others, I wrote for myself. Hearing from others in similar situations helped me, but so too did just getting "it" out there...... So, more to come. Right now I am preparing for a vacation to LA with my sister. I'm happy to have something to look forward to and an opportunity to get out of town.....