So, yesterday Flaco and I had our first adoption training class. It was a little boring, but also a little interesting. We did the training in Spanish, so we could be together - I could have taken the training in English, but I thought it might be better for us to be together. The class was small only 8 other people. Flaco and I were only one of two couples, the rest attending were women (I'm not sure of all of their martial statuses - I know some were widows and some single). We were also the only ones strictly interested in adopting - the rest were there to be foster parents. We did three different topics, starting with the process that leads to a child being placed in foster care or for adoption, then the types of foster families, and finally the grief and loss process for the children, but also the foster families. I won't bore you with the details, but there were certainly things that I had not considered which are good to ponder.
The confusion, as the title of this post alludes to, does not come from the adoption training - that is just something we must do to get us closer to the actual act of adoption. Rather, the confusion lies in me and some zany "symptoms" I believe I have been experiencing. Now, let me preface this by saying that I had made peace (or thought I had) with the fact that Flaco and I would not become parents in the way I had imagined. I had carefully re-imagined our lives with a baby that became ours through the process of adoption, not the biological steps of conception, pregnancy, birth. I knew that the end results would be the same - a happy family and a baby for us to love. I refused to let anyone, any well-meaning friend or family member, who knew or heard of our struggles with infertility and now our decision to adopt to tell me not to give up hope on having our own baby. I would not accept their platitudes of believing we were on the precipice of natural conception. In other words - I absolutely refused to believe we would have a baby any way other than adopting. And, honestly, I found peace. Truly, giving up on a biological baby allowed me to accept my monthly period with just the slightest twinge of sadness. I did not weep. I did not wonder why. I did not get angry with God. I just accepted that my baby, our baby, was somewhere else right now, just waiting for us to get through all the hoops that would bring us together.
Well, about a week ago something changed that. Generally, before my period, my breasts get tender. At the most for about a week or so and they are not generally so tender that I feel like ripping them off my body. And they did not disturb my sleep like they have been the past 7-10 days. Generally, before my period begins I feel crampy and bloated. I felt no cramps, but an odd heavy feeling in my lower abdomen. This could have been explained by the constipation I was experiencing or the gas. I had some lower back pain and leg cramps. I was more thirsty, this could definitely have explained the need to use the bathroom more frequently. What I am trying to say, is that I thought there were numerous suspicious clues that led me to idiotically, yet firmly believe irony of all ironies, that I was pregnant. Until yesterday. At the training. When there was the small, tell-tale sign, a tiny disappointing smudge of pink on the TP - and a weeks worth of jubilation deflated to once again crushed hope. I know better. I do. But, somehow, I let this insane though pop into my head. I let the "clues" amount to undeniable proof. And, hey, Dr. Internet backed up my claims by declaring these symptoms as the earliest of all pregnancy symptoms. But, of course the spotting is increasing, which can only mean one thing - my period is on its way. Which means, the extremely tender breasts, constipation, frequent urination, exhaustion, gas, leg cramps, and lower back pain were just PMS symptoms. And this just means that I can't trust my own body. It lies to me. Mentally, I am angry with myself for being duped into believing the impossible. Emotionally, I am ok - I keep telling myself that this does not change things. We are still well on the path to having a baby. I just wish I hadn't let myself dare to dream about the whole pregnancy process after carefully erasing this from my mental picture.
Included in one of the packets we received yesterday, there is a whole section about infertility, which I have to read. But, the one thing Consuelo said (she is our caseworker - or whatever you call her), was that couples who have struggled with infertility and are now hoping to adopt, must accept that their adopted child will not look like them, will contain no biological familial traits. Since Flaco and I are the only couple who have struggled with infertility and are now hoping to adopt, I am sure she was talking to us. I think we have come to terms with this situation, but after this past week, it seems like it is something that might keep popping up all on it's own. I hope I can maintain my peace.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Freaking out
I know, I know I have not written on here to up-date in awhile. Although I had started this blog as a way to help me cope with the up’s and down’s of infertility, I found that too often I used this space to gripe and complain about a situation I cannot change. In an attempt to stay more even-keeled and emotionally steady, I have removed myself a little from this infertility blogging world. I have missed following and keeping up with some of my blogger friends, so I am trying to strike a happy medium in which I can contribute and offer my support, but not get sucked down into the maddening, tearful unhappiness.
So, there are a rash of pregnant women around me these days. A pregnant friend (whom I have written about previously) revealed her sister (a former crack addict with three children from three different men) is pregnant and due a few weeks after my friend. And pregnant friend’s sister-in-law is also pregnant with her second child (sister-in-law happens to be my ex-hair-dresser – ex because the last time I was there and she badgered me about children, I revealed we were having a hard time conceiving and she proceeded to flaunt the possibility that she was pregnant (she was not) in my face in a way that made me want to puke on her and then back over her with my car). A former co-worker is rumored to be pregnant and I discovered on Facebook a Peace Corps friend living in Minnesota is in her first trimester and a woman at work told everyone last week that she is due in January. This must be a test. This is only a test! God must be testing my resolve to follow through with adoption (I have another reason to believe this, which I will talk about in a bit). I mean 6 women whom I know are pregnant at the same time?! Is that some kind of record? But, I can’t let myself feel sorry for me. I cannot get bitter towards these women, no matter their situation or story. It has nothing to go with me. It is only a test.
Besides the numerous baby bumps all up in my space, on Saturday Flaco made me give our dog away. I can’t talk about it too much, because I am trying to be ok with it, but it hurts like hell. Our dog was a beautiful all white Siberian Husky with striking blue eyes. I posted him on Craigslist on Thursday and he was gone by Saturday. The couple who took him seemed very nice and they have two huskies already. I miss him terribly, but Flaco demanded the dog be re-homed or he would not continue with the adoption process (please, don’t get me started on how shitty this was for him to do – like I said, I am trying to be ok with this). I was so depressed this whole weekend, crying for having to give up the dog. And then it dawned on me, this is what I am doing to another human being. The couple who took Monster (that was my nickname for the dog) were happy as clams to have him, never mind my grief. Flaco and I will be tickled pink to have a baby, despite the potential heartache the child’s mother might be feeling. It put things into perspective for me – that there will be a “good” and a “bad” a “happy” and a “sad” to our story. I need to keep moving forward and forget about the sacrifices (real or perceived) to reach the goal.
So, my friend at work who is just about to finalize her adoption of a beautiful little girl (who will be 2 this month) and had suggested CHOR as an adoption agency, came to me today and told me that she had heard of a baby that would be perfect for us. She said her friend texted her last night and asked if they had found their daughter (my friend has three older sons ages 12, 16, and 18). She said her ex-sister-in-law was pregnant and since her other kids were already in foster care, this baby would also be put in foster care, most likely to be adopted. She is having a baby that is half-white and half-Hispanic (which is what our biological child would be, if Flaco and I were able to conceive). Well, right now I am feeling over-whelmed by the paperwork we must slough through. We have to go get our finger-prints taken as some Ship-to-Mail place (which is weird, when I had my finger-prints taken for the Peace Corps I had to go to the State Police Barracks), our classes start the end of this month, and we still need the home inspection and interview, not to mention we need to finish writing our profiles. Oh, and we need to get a place set up for this baby! Our office, which will become the baby’s room, still has all our junk in it. We don’t have a crib or any of the other pre-requisites for a baby, like covers for the electric sockets, locks for medicine and cleaning products, and batteries for the smoke detectors. We haven’t even begun all this preparation yet! I’m not sure why we are dragging our feet, other than that it seems so strange to randomly go out buying all these items when we aren’t even sure when we will get our baby. I suppose we need to get cracking on this though because we need to be prepared! I worry about getting the right stuff. I mean, if we get an infant I assume they will need a different crib or car seat than a toddler would. And how can we buy clothing if we don’t know how big or small the baby will be? This is so confusing to me! I feel like I am already a terrible mother because I don’t know how to get prepared! In all my visions with the baby, we are snuggling and playing and visiting people – not worrying about cribs, clothes, and car seats! We might need formula and diapers and who knows what else! We have no toys, high-chair, or bouncy seat – nothing! And, it’s not like we can go register for these things for a baby shower. I doubt we’ll have a baby shower, just because it’s too confusing and we haven’t shared with everyone that we are adopting – yet. I guess we need to just take it one step at a time and get the things that we need bit-by-bit. I would welcome suggestions from adoptive mommies out there on how the heck you prepare for a baby when you are not sure of the exact age, gender, or needs of the child!
So, there are a rash of pregnant women around me these days. A pregnant friend (whom I have written about previously) revealed her sister (a former crack addict with three children from three different men) is pregnant and due a few weeks after my friend. And pregnant friend’s sister-in-law is also pregnant with her second child (sister-in-law happens to be my ex-hair-dresser – ex because the last time I was there and she badgered me about children, I revealed we were having a hard time conceiving and she proceeded to flaunt the possibility that she was pregnant (she was not) in my face in a way that made me want to puke on her and then back over her with my car). A former co-worker is rumored to be pregnant and I discovered on Facebook a Peace Corps friend living in Minnesota is in her first trimester and a woman at work told everyone last week that she is due in January. This must be a test. This is only a test! God must be testing my resolve to follow through with adoption (I have another reason to believe this, which I will talk about in a bit). I mean 6 women whom I know are pregnant at the same time?! Is that some kind of record? But, I can’t let myself feel sorry for me. I cannot get bitter towards these women, no matter their situation or story. It has nothing to go with me. It is only a test.
Besides the numerous baby bumps all up in my space, on Saturday Flaco made me give our dog away. I can’t talk about it too much, because I am trying to be ok with it, but it hurts like hell. Our dog was a beautiful all white Siberian Husky with striking blue eyes. I posted him on Craigslist on Thursday and he was gone by Saturday. The couple who took him seemed very nice and they have two huskies already. I miss him terribly, but Flaco demanded the dog be re-homed or he would not continue with the adoption process (please, don’t get me started on how shitty this was for him to do – like I said, I am trying to be ok with this). I was so depressed this whole weekend, crying for having to give up the dog. And then it dawned on me, this is what I am doing to another human being. The couple who took Monster (that was my nickname for the dog) were happy as clams to have him, never mind my grief. Flaco and I will be tickled pink to have a baby, despite the potential heartache the child’s mother might be feeling. It put things into perspective for me – that there will be a “good” and a “bad” a “happy” and a “sad” to our story. I need to keep moving forward and forget about the sacrifices (real or perceived) to reach the goal.
So, my friend at work who is just about to finalize her adoption of a beautiful little girl (who will be 2 this month) and had suggested CHOR as an adoption agency, came to me today and told me that she had heard of a baby that would be perfect for us. She said her friend texted her last night and asked if they had found their daughter (my friend has three older sons ages 12, 16, and 18). She said her ex-sister-in-law was pregnant and since her other kids were already in foster care, this baby would also be put in foster care, most likely to be adopted. She is having a baby that is half-white and half-Hispanic (which is what our biological child would be, if Flaco and I were able to conceive). Well, right now I am feeling over-whelmed by the paperwork we must slough through. We have to go get our finger-prints taken as some Ship-to-Mail place (which is weird, when I had my finger-prints taken for the Peace Corps I had to go to the State Police Barracks), our classes start the end of this month, and we still need the home inspection and interview, not to mention we need to finish writing our profiles. Oh, and we need to get a place set up for this baby! Our office, which will become the baby’s room, still has all our junk in it. We don’t have a crib or any of the other pre-requisites for a baby, like covers for the electric sockets, locks for medicine and cleaning products, and batteries for the smoke detectors. We haven’t even begun all this preparation yet! I’m not sure why we are dragging our feet, other than that it seems so strange to randomly go out buying all these items when we aren’t even sure when we will get our baby. I suppose we need to get cracking on this though because we need to be prepared! I worry about getting the right stuff. I mean, if we get an infant I assume they will need a different crib or car seat than a toddler would. And how can we buy clothing if we don’t know how big or small the baby will be? This is so confusing to me! I feel like I am already a terrible mother because I don’t know how to get prepared! In all my visions with the baby, we are snuggling and playing and visiting people – not worrying about cribs, clothes, and car seats! We might need formula and diapers and who knows what else! We have no toys, high-chair, or bouncy seat – nothing! And, it’s not like we can go register for these things for a baby shower. I doubt we’ll have a baby shower, just because it’s too confusing and we haven’t shared with everyone that we are adopting – yet. I guess we need to just take it one step at a time and get the things that we need bit-by-bit. I would welcome suggestions from adoptive mommies out there on how the heck you prepare for a baby when you are not sure of the exact age, gender, or needs of the child!
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