Freaking out

    I know, I know I have not written on here to up-date in awhile. Although I had started this blog as a way to help me cope with the up’s and down’s of infertility, I found that too often I used this space to gripe and complain about a situation I cannot change. In an attempt to stay more even-keeled and emotionally steady, I have removed myself a little from this infertility blogging world. I have missed following and keeping up with some of my blogger friends, so I am trying to strike a happy medium in which I can contribute and offer my support, but not get sucked down into the maddening, tearful unhappiness.     
    So, there are a rash of pregnant women around me these days. A pregnant friend (whom I have written about previously) revealed her sister (a former crack addict with three children from three different men) is pregnant and due a few weeks after my friend. And pregnant friend’s sister-in-law is also pregnant with her second child (sister-in-law happens to be my ex-hair-dresser – ex because the last time I was there and she badgered me about children, I revealed we were having a hard time conceiving and she proceeded to flaunt the possibility that she was pregnant (she was not) in my face in a way that made me want to puke on her and then back over her with my car). A former co-worker is rumored to be pregnant and I discovered on Facebook a Peace Corps friend living in Minnesota is in her first trimester and a woman at work told everyone last week that she is due in January. This must be a test. This is only a test! God must be testing my resolve to follow through with adoption (I have another reason to believe this, which I will talk about in a bit). I mean 6 women whom I know are pregnant at the same time?! Is that some kind of record? But, I can’t let myself feel sorry for me. I cannot get bitter towards these women, no matter their situation or story. It has nothing to go with me. It is only a test.     
     Besides the numerous baby bumps all up in my space, on Saturday Flaco made me give our dog away. I can’t talk about it too much, because I am trying to be ok with it, but it hurts like hell. Our dog was a beautiful all white Siberian Husky with striking blue eyes. I posted him on Craigslist on Thursday and he was gone by Saturday. The couple who took him seemed very nice and they have two huskies already. I miss him terribly, but Flaco demanded the dog be re-homed or he would not continue with the adoption process (please, don’t get me started on how shitty this was for him to do – like I said, I am trying to be ok with this). I was so depressed this whole weekend, crying for having to give up the dog. And then it dawned on me, this is what I am doing to another human being. The couple who took Monster (that was my nickname for the dog) were happy as clams to have him, never mind my grief. Flaco and I will be tickled pink to have a baby, despite the potential heartache the child’s mother might be feeling. It put things into perspective for me – that there will be a “good” and a “bad” a “happy” and a “sad” to our story. I need to keep moving forward and forget about the sacrifices (real or perceived) to reach the goal.     
    So, my friend at work who is just about to finalize her adoption of a beautiful little girl (who will be 2 this month) and had suggested CHOR as an adoption agency, came to me today and told me that she had heard of a baby that would be perfect for us. She said her friend texted her last night and asked if they had found their daughter (my friend has three older sons ages 12, 16, and 18). She said her ex-sister-in-law was pregnant and since her other kids were already in foster care, this baby would also be put in foster care, most likely to be adopted. She is having a baby that is half-white and half-Hispanic (which is what our biological child would be, if Flaco and I were able to conceive). Well, right now I am feeling over-whelmed by the paperwork we must slough through. We have to go get our finger-prints taken as some Ship-to-Mail place (which is weird, when I had my finger-prints taken for the Peace Corps I had to go to the State Police Barracks), our classes start the end of this month, and we still need the home inspection and interview, not to mention we need to finish writing our profiles. Oh, and we need to get a place set up for this baby! Our office, which will become the baby’s room, still has all our junk in it. We don’t have a crib or any of the other pre-requisites for a baby, like covers for the electric sockets, locks for medicine and cleaning products, and batteries for the smoke detectors. We haven’t even begun all this preparation yet! I’m not sure why we are dragging our feet, other than that it seems so strange to randomly go out buying all these items when we aren’t even sure when we will get our baby. I suppose we need to get cracking on this though because we need to be prepared! I worry about getting the right stuff. I mean, if we get an infant I assume they will need a different crib or car seat than a toddler would. And how can we buy clothing if we don’t know how big or small the baby will be? This is so confusing to me! I feel like I am already a terrible mother because I don’t know how to get prepared! In all my visions with the baby, we are snuggling and playing and visiting people – not worrying about cribs, clothes, and car seats! We might need formula and diapers and who knows what else! We have no toys, high-chair, or bouncy seat – nothing! And, it’s not like we can go register for these things for a baby shower. I doubt we’ll have a baby shower, just because it’s too confusing and we haven’t shared with everyone that we are adopting – yet. I guess we need to just take it one step at a time and get the things that we need bit-by-bit. I would welcome suggestions from adoptive mommies out there on how the heck you prepare for a baby when you are not sure of the exact age, gender, or needs of the child!