Doing it Alone

I have been thinking a lot about what a fellow blogger commented in regards to my last post. She wondered if I considered parenting on my own, as a single mother. I was very willing to do that when I had the baby and Flaco left. In fact, I was doing that for the majority of the time I had the precious little one with me. When I decided I wanted to continue with CHOR I explained it to my case worker like this: "I want to do foster care and open my home to a child in need. I am not opposed to adoption and I am not closing the door on adoption, if the right circumstances become available I would be willing to explore that option."  I wanted it to be known that I was not seeking adoption at this point, per se, but I would also not object if such a situation presented itself. I would leave all that timing and whatnot up to The Big Guy Upstairs. It’s not any easy thing to do, to let go of the control. After the therapist finally wrote the letter stating I was not crazy and would be a good foster mom, it was a mere 10 days before CHOR called me with a referral resulting in the child living with me now. I had already decided, baring any major health or behavioral issues, I would be willing to take nearly any child. I had told them I would be willing to take a child as old as 6 or 7 but ended up with  a ‘tween which is fine with me as well.

This week I was talking with my friend who recently adopted a child through CHOR and she asked if I was concerned that by having this child with me I would miss out on the opportunity to adopt a toddler or a baby. She believed this was still my intent in the foster care process. I told her that I was content being a foster mother because I needed to see if I could “do this;” be a single mother. Am I worried about losing a placement for a younger child? No. The child I have now needs a place to stay. She is supposed to be with me, for some reason. She has things to teach me about being a mom. At least this is what I choose to believe. I don’t know how long I will have her with me, it has been mentioned a few times that she would be with me for some time. And that is ok. If there is a child meant to be mine, he/she will find his/her way to me.

So, the question of me forging ahead into single motherhood is something up in the air at the moment. I don’t have the financial means to pursue impregnation via IVF and I don’t know that I would want to do that all by myself. I don’t know, I might re-consider this in a few more years when the ticking clock becomes unbearable. At this point, I think I would be much more likely to adopt a child in foster care. But, I do have some qualms about that as well. Mostly, I wonder if this is just pure selfishness on my part. Being a single mother is not easy, not for the mother and not for the child. When all the work falls upon one parent, it makes it much harder to enjoy other things. Right now, I feel like after we get home around 5 pm, have dinner and I try to get one or two tasks done around the house, there is simply not enough time for just hanging out or doing something special. Generally, I try to make up for it during the weekends, but some activities (like power washing and re-painting my back porch) cannot be completed during the week and must get done on the weekends. Wouldn’t it be better for a child to be in a two parent household, where the workload can be shared and the child can get more one-on-one attention? And I don’t say this to judge the many wonderful single mothers. I have some friends who are single mothers and their children are beautiful, well-adjusted, well-behaved, and doing just great. I am judging myself. And, really, my idea was never to be a single mother. I wanted the whole package; the husband, the house, the kids, the dog, mini van, pony, white picket fence – the whole enchilada! So, I just don’t know.

My therapist asked me yesterday if I am actively trying to date. I told him I was and now I am not. Maybe I was simply trying to fill in the hole that Flaco left in my heart and in my life, I don’t know. I jumped on the on-line dating bandwagon and allowed myself to get set up or meet other guys. All for naught. In my mind it felt like a bizarre game show.  A guy would show up one way or another and very quickly I would find some unbearable flaw and hit the buzzer, dropping him through the trap door. Next! Some would stick around for awhile and I would try, but none of it felt right. I had someone offer to set me up with a guy she works with and she says he is “so nice.” I declined at the moment, citing the foster child in my care as a reason. I discovered that I am actually grateful to have a valid reason to not be out there dating. I don’t think I have the stomach to wade through all the crazies and not-for-me kinda guys. Maybe this too is me finally letting God take over – Jesus take the wheel! I suppose, if I am meant to be with someone, God will put us in each other’s way and it will be a positive interaction, balanced and simple. If there is a guy out there who wants to stick around and get to know the fabulous person I am, then I guess it will be meant to be. At the moment, I have finally erected some walls and hurdles for anyone wishing to date me to surmount. I have had several offers for friends with benefits arrangments, which makes my stomach churn worse than the Metformin..... I know I might not have the highest self-esteem some times, but I truly think I am worth a whole lot more than that! And I deserve more than that! Friends with benefits - who benefits? Certainly not me...... So, no boys for me. Right now, they all have cooties.....