Another snafu

A lot has been happening, even though I haven’t written and posted anything. A few weeks ago I had gotten frustrated with the older child’s relative bringing her back to my house so late at night (10:30 pm!!!) and I told her so. Since then she has been picking up and dropping off at the baby-sitter’s house. When I spoke to the county worker she told me the visits would be on a  strict schedule and occur every other weekend. But, the relative keeps getting to do whatever she likes, so I guess you only have to play by the rules if you are a foster parent. The behaviors of the child when she comes back to my house are nearly unbearable. Sometimes I dread picking her up from the baby-sitter’s Monday afternoons because I am assured to be in for a difficult evening. It is just so hard to keep hanging on when there is so much unrest with this case!

 

A few weeks ago I was told by the county case worker that the weekly visits the children have with their mother will increase from 5 hours to 7 hours and that in 4-6 weeks they would resume overnight visits. Two days after this pronouncement, the older child reported to her therapist that she was hit during a visit, so there was an investigation and visits with their mother were suspended for a week. The visit this past week was supervised and the visit next week might be as well. I feel like we are buzzing along and things are progressing and then BAM! we hit another snafu which seems to prolong the inevitable return home. The 6-8 weeks stay has now extended to 21 weeks and counting. I don’t know how much this blip will be in terms of length, nothing has really been discussed with me. There is another issue brewing with the older child and I’m not sure what might be the results of this latest problem, if anything. The case worker was over for a visit last night and she said there seems to be some hesitation with the county regarding the time frame for the kids’ return home. Part of me sincerely hopes that they don’t wait until the new baby is born and settled. It’s not that I don’t love these kids because I do – I just hate feeling like I’m living with my neck in the noose just waiting for the floor to drop out from under me. I’m learning to be more patient and just roll with the punches, but at some point I would like to be able to move on and actually achieve my goal of motherhood.  

 

Last week I got an email about a child from another county seeking to place him in a legal risk home as they move to terminate rights. He is nearly 4 and has a cleft palate but is described as a very happy and lovely child. I don’t know if it is a blessing or a curse, but getting a referral does not give me the same thrill of expectancy and send my imagination into over-drive like in the past. I guess I have finally gotten to the point where I can hear about a potential placement and not let it sidetrack me or send me into a tizzy.

 

For the most part I am just tired. The constant vicious cycle of  behavioral issues with the older child weigh on me and cause issues with the baby as well. Knowing that there is no immediate end in sight only makes the situation all the more grueling and difficult. Who would like their home to be in turmoil every Monday – Wednesday, sometimes Thursday? And it strikes me as odd that this placement, which was only supposed to be for 6-8 weeks, has become the longest placement I have ever had. The second longest was with the older child last year and that was just barely 5 months. We have now surpassed the 5 month mark and are heading into 6 months. But, I have made up my mind to persevere and not give up and send these kids packing. I know I felt that I was supposed to take them in when I made that return phone call back in December. There was some spiritual prompting, a stirring in my heart that said, “You should take these kids in.” I don’t know why, but I chose to believe it is all a part of God’s plan. Maybe I don’t get to keep them; maybe they just needed me for a time and I had to be there for them. Right after court in April, when the news was not something I expected to hear, I was frustrated and angry and I really was contemplating putting in my 30 days notice. But, I couldn’t imagine going back to an empty house and I knew I would miss the kids and want to know how they were doing and see them, so I pushed through my frustration. I’m resigned now. Whatever the outcome will be, for some reason I don’t yet know (and may never know) I was meant to be their temporary mommy and they were meant to be mine for a time. I don’t relish the heartache I will endure when they go home, but I will cherish the time I’ve spent with them. Last night we were in the backyard taking silly pictures with my cell phone and we laughed so hard and I know that is a memory I will carry in my heart  forever. Every time the baby comes running to me and wraps his arms around my leg or puts his hands up for me to pick him up, I will hide away in my heart. Every sweet smile, every lingering hug are mine to keep. We’ve made a lot of memories together in the past 5 months, going to see the Dinosaur exhibit, dying Easter eggs, going to the park, visiting the farm, picking strawberries, holding the baby ducks, going to the baseball game (yes, last week I was brave enough to take the two of them to a local minor league baseball game all by myself and we had a blast!), going to the yard sale, eating dinner out (lots of times!), going to church every Sunday, taking the cat the vet a million times – we have certainly done a lot! I wish our list could go on for a life-time, but I resign myself to just a season in life. I need to make room in my heart for my child because I’m sure he/she is getting nearer to being mine. But, I don’t ever want to forget the children who came before my child because they were all precious to me and I loved them with all I had while they were mine. I don’t always (ok, ever) take the time to appreciate the journey that brought me to where I am today and I want to start. I don’t want to be so worried about the future and “getting it right” that I don’t take time for today. I guess I’m just trying to learn from this experience and make the most of where I’m at right now. It ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings, right?