It's Complicated

So we received word that we can have Hermano visit for Thanksgiving. The only dilemma now is the impending snow storm on the day I planned to pick him up. Non-essential state employees (that’s me) are allowed to leave work 2 hours early Wednesday, so this means I could start my journey to get Hermano at that time. But, the snow is supposed to start sometime late morning and so things could be very messy by 2:30. Not only that, but I would need to be back to town a little before 5 in order to pick up the children and take them to their visit by 5 pm. Even without snow, this would be pushing it because it’s a little over an hour to get there and then another hour back, which means we would only be back to town by 4:30 at the earliest. I could take the little ones with me, but I would still need to be back to town by 5 to get them to their visit. Add a dash of fear that my car won’t make this trip up and back and you have a recipe for some serious anxiety. Just the complications of life……

 

So, I’m kind of ambivalent about Hermano’s visit right now. I don’t mean about him coming, but about how his stay will go. First of all, the little ones will be around so that will make a difference. Second, it will be for a longer time, so more time for things to go sideways. Also, after a few discussions with Primero and the things  I see Hermano posting on Facebook, I just don’t know what to think about the whole scenario. Primero spent some time with his oldest brother and sister last week. He said he asked them the question I asked him about Hermano being manipulative towards me to get what he wants and they believed he would do that. I get the sense that the older siblings don’t trust Hermano, perhaps because he got mixed up in the wrong activities and they, like Primero, blame him for their mother getting involved in those things as well. Maybe they just project their anger towards their mother onto Hermano, since he was the last one to be taken from her. I don’t know, I’m no psychiatrist. I just get the sense that things have changed since his first visit. Maybe it’s me who’s changed or maybe it’s just the natural way things go – big hype, lots of emotions at the onset and then things settle down as the situation is accepted for what it is. Or maybe it’s just the dread of the drive that is making me wish it was the weekend already. I simply don’t know.

 

In all honesty, my ambivalence might be more due to my severe lack of sleep than anything else. The baby is teething and so neither of us are sleeping well right now. It’s starting to drag on me as I clocked my fourth sleepless night last night. Not only is the baby waking up 4,5,6 times but he does not want to fall back asleep. He wants to be held and when I think he is asleep and lay him back down he waits until I’m back in bed and then begins wailing once again. My nerves are a bit frazzled at this point and I’m looking forward to the distraction of the holiday where at least I’ll have more hands to help in soothing a crabby baby.

 

Last week the little girl started therapy. It might sound silly, a toddler in therapy, but so often these little ones have been through so much trauma they just need a little professional help to sort it out. The therapist sat and talked with me about the types of behaviors and issues I felt the little girl was displaying and that could be addressed in therapy. I think it will be helpful for her, but it means more running for me.

 

Running kids here and there pretty much defines my weekday evenings. Primero is involved in two programs at the Center for the Arts on Monday’s, Tuesday’s and Thursday’s until 8:30 in the evening. Every other Tuesday I have training at CHOR from 6-7:30 pm. The little ones have visits on Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s which have just changed from 4-6 to 5-7. Ugh! The only night that no one has to go anywhere is Friday (except when Primero has therapy on Fridays – it waffles between Monday’s and Friday’s) and by that point I’m just pooped! It won’t be like this forever. Right???    

The Road Thus Far...

Maybe because this year is drawing to a close or maybe I just needed some time for reflection, but I have been thinking about my journey to motherhood a lot lately. I was re-reading some of the older posts, the painful ones from when my life turned upside down right up to the more recent ones. I felt anew the poignant punch of joy and loss, reliving the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I guess I was looking to the past to get an explanation of how I got where I am today, but I also wanted to be sure to embrace my current situation as the epitome of what I have been striving for all along.

If you watch the TV show Supernatural, you will catch my drift, but here it is, the road thus far:

 

It’s actually hard to remember my life when I was married. I have to force myself to remember how happy I was when Flaco first came home in October of 2006. Our time together was rife with struggle, both personally and as a couple. Flaco struggled to fit into a new culture and society and I struggled to get everyone to like him. Together we battled financial ups and downs and learned how to get along as a couple living under one roof. We had many happy times, although they all seem tarnished by the end of our tale together. Infertility did a number on us, especially me because I felt like it was all my fault – after all, I was the one with the problem.

 

We eventually found a way to become parents through adoption. I can never and I don’t ever want to forget the surreal feeling when we drove home with the baby boy in our car. After the crushing realization that we wouldn’t have a biological child, it felt unreal to have a baby in our lives. But, I cannot remember that joy without the memory of his loss tying knots in the pit of my stomach. I remember how awkward I was with the baby, how everything seemed so strange and foreign. I clearly remember one afternoon when I had the baby out running errands with me after Flaco left us and I wanted to take him to the play land at Chick-Fil-A but I was so unsure of myself. He started having a temper tantrum as we walked across the parking lot, so I turned back and went home. I felt inadequate a his care taker, like everyone was watching me make the novice mistakes. I noted in my blog that the darkest time for me also left a hole in my posts. I was going through the motions of life at the time and had nothing more to contribute.

 

But, I did manage to pull myself from that pit of despair and I began fostering alone. That was a big leap for me too. I really wasn’t sure I could do it alone. I had a very difficult placement that eventually led me to ask for her removal, but it taught me the important lesson that I could parent a child alone. Not only could I be a single mother, but I discovered that I still really wanted to be a mother, even if it meant doing it alone.

 

Not long after my second placement left I was contacted for a third placement, my most challenging thus far. I went from an empty house to one full of three little girls in one fell swoop. I was a little overwhelmed but found that with a routine we were able to get along. With that placement I had my first experience with a newborn and I loved every minute. Too quickly I was mourning the loss of these girls and contemplating taking in a new placement - my longest foster care placement. (Actually, Primero just surpassed the length of time those kids were with me – I had them 262 days and today is Primero’s 264^th day with me).

 

My parents were the most attached to these two little ones, especially the little boy. I know initially my mom held back because she was so hurt after the little girls left, but it was impossible to not be charmed by the little boy and his sweet little face. We loved him to pieces and it was so hard to watch them go when they returned home on my birthday last year.

 

For reasons I don’t think I will ever understand, the greatest moment of joy followed by the most horrific disappointment occurred last year right before Christmas. The Friday before Christmas it seemed like all my prayers had been answered because I was called about a baby boy that was about a month old and I would be picking him up on Monday. The weekend of elation turned into deep sorrow Monday morning when I was told an aunt had surfaced. I was crushed and broken, my heart and my hope had deflated.

 

The next twist in the tale brings us up to present day. It’s hard to believe it was not quite a year ago when I first met my son. He came to stay with me one cold rainy night in January as a respite case for the weekend. He enjoyed his stay so much that from that weekend on, he was with me until he moved in full-time the end of February. God certainly moved in mysterious ways to get me and Primero together. My initial hesitancy to take Primero as a foster care placement blossomed into the desire to be his permanent home; to adopt him and call him my son.

 

But, God wasn’t done there. The middle of June I was contacted about two potential placements for babies soon-to-be born. A little over a week later I was contacted because the county wanted me to take a baby sibling to the little girl I had in respite for several weeks. I was contacted Friday and Monday morning I found myself being escorted through the hospital with a brand new baby in my car seat. I was on cloud nine, loving the boys in my home and re-learning how to live on little sleep. It seemed like all my dreams were coming true.

 

I had the baby for less than a month when I was asked to consider taking the sister who had been with me in respite. Initially I demurred, pushing the decision off until the last possible moment. But, again God was moving things in the direction He felt was best and so I had the space in my basement turned into an extra room and welcomed home a third child.

 

So, here I am. Three children in the course of eight months. Primero will soon be my son legally and the little ones are considered legal risk, so there is a possibility that this is my forever family. Until we heard about Primero’s older brother, Hermano. I had met him a few times, I knew who he was, but I had no idea we would be where we are now, trying to finagle a way to get this boy into our home as well. I told God I wanted a big family, I always had, but I figured, when I was plagued with infertility and then numerous non-adoptive placements, it was God’s way of telling me I was not destined to have the big family I desired in my heart. Maybe I was wrong?

 

After the Christmas Miracle Baby debacle, I prayed that God would make it a smooth process when I was finally getting my “baby.” I also prayed that my next placement would be *mine*, my child to keep. God answered those prayers for me. The next placement after the Christmas Miracle Baby was Primero. His case seemed to move effortlessly from foster care to adoption and even having his mother agree to sign the termination paperwork was with little drama or effort. To me, it seems like God just tied it all up with a neat little bow and placed this blessing in my lap. But, it also seems like, in accepting Primero, the floodgate has opened and God just keeps pouring these precious little blessings into my life. He waited for Primero and I to get settled before the baby came home and then, once I had a handle on mothering an infant and teenager, He threw the little girl into the mix. Now, I feel prompted by God to take in a second teen because he needs a home just as much as that tiny baby did in the hospital.

 

This road has been long and painful, rife with intense loss and near-total devastation. But, out of the ashes, my family has formed. Things have been tough lately with costly repairs and monetary issues, but when I keep my focus on these three (four) kids I know I can make it through anything for them. For the first time since I began this journey to motherhood, I feel like I have a cohesive family. I feel like the four (five) of us are a complete unit and I need to pinch myself at the wonderful blessings I have been gifted. I’m thankful I never gave up, even when it all seemed impossible. I’m thankful I listened to the gentle whispers of God to open my heart to Primero. I’m thankful my children have found me and they are more beautiful and amazing than I had imagined possible. I’m glad my journey brought me here, with these precious children I love more than words can express.    

Lost and Disconnected

“…research suggests kids who don’t use contraception tend to be kids who are feeling lost and disconnected and not doing well.” (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/27/health/27well.html?_r=0)

 

I don’t even remember what I was looking for when I found this article. The line I have copied above sums up what I believe about Hermano and that chickie he’s sort-of seeing. Despite my best attempt to intervene, he is still talking to this girl, as Primero reported to me last night. The girl came to the after school program where Primero hangs out and she told Primero all about his brother and their conversations. Apparently the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage – the latest lie in my opinion. When Primero told me this I said, “Well of course it did because it’s not like she can keep that lie going for very long, eventually people are going to want to see the baby!” So, as I surmised, Hermano is engaging in risky sex (not using protection) because of the pain on the inside. He’s lost and not doing well. Luckily, he is also many miles from this little tart, so they are unable to get into trouble at the moment. But, it did make me pause last night and think about Hermano’s motives for trying to get here. I would say it’s a mixed bag. Mostly, he wants to have a family, to fit in and be loved, but I think it might partially be to get “back” to his “old” life too. Primero admitted he didn’t know his brother well enough to determine his true motives. Showing wisdom beyond his years, Primero suggested we just hold on and see where things take us. Good idea, only I’m a little too type A for that (I don’t consider myself a textbook Type A like my sister, but I do have some of those tendencies…..). Still, worrying about things that might never happen is my specialty. I like to plan for the what if’s in life as best as I can. You would think that after all I’ve been through these last three years I would have gotten over that need to control all possible outcomes. After all, I never believed I would be getting divorced. But, old habits die hard. And, this is also where the Type A slips into the equation – I don’t want to make a mistake, I want to be perfect. It’s not like I actually believe I am perfect, because I know I am not, it’s more like I have a very stringent ideal I want to live up to and I’m hard on myself to make that happen. But, I’m miles off topic now. Back to the subject. I know, intellectually and cognitively, that Hermano is the only one who can make changes in the way he makes decisions and in the way he behaves. I know that I’m nothing more than a chirping little Jiminy Cricket doggedly begging him to “let his conscience be his guide” And I know one lecture about making wise decisions for his future does not undo the past umpteen years of misguided and corrupt morals. Still, I hold out hope. I pray my words do not fall on deaf ears and that something inside of him awakens to the new possibilities afforded to him, despite his distaste of his current situation. I pray that God sends angels to watch over him and that He reaches down to fill that empty void in this kids life. Parenting any teenager is a challenge, ask anyone living with such a creature, but parenting a teen from foster care takes an extra-special level of dedication and determination. In my moments of doubt I panic and think, “My God, I’m not equipped to do this!” but then I realize that biological children do not come with an instruction manual, so it is very likely that many parents feel inadequate when dealing with a teenager. I can only do what I can, the rest is up to the kid and God. But, in dealing with Hermano I am more and more grateful for the wonderful young gentleman I have already living with me. I know Primero isn’t a saint, but he’s pretty darn perfect in my eyes…..        

Foolish

I had my first opportunity to “mother” Hermano over the weekend. The girl who said she was pregnant with his baby called Primero Saturday afternoon. She is cousin’s with Primero’s girlfriend and they were hanging out together and decided to call Primero. The lying about being preggo chickie told Primero that his brother called her and wanted to know if they were still dating and she said they were. She then babbled on about different stupid stuff before asking Primero if he knew what every girls dream was with her best friend. When he said he didn’t know she proceeded to tell him it was for two best friends to get pregnant together by brothers. In other words, she wanted him and his girlfriend to get pregnant (which, um, she already is by someone else…..) and then she and Hermano would do the same. Unfortunately for Primero he had the phone on speaker when this announcement was made and I flipped out, stating he needed to get off the phone with these screwed up girls. A conversation ensued in which he denied hearing the comment and insisted he would not be interested in pursuing the plan as prescribed. I pleaded with him to not throw his future away on a girl like this, who thinks it’s cute to be a pregnant teenager. These girls are nothing but trouble with a capital T. So, since I gave Primero the lecture (and he’s really the most innocent of the bunch) I had to give Hermano my spcheal. But, with Hermano I launched into how this girl seems hell bent on getting knocked up and if he’s foolish enough to continue carrying on with her, he had better consider what type of father he wants to be. Does he want to be the absent father he had or would he want something better for his child? How would he support a child right now? I admonished him to worry about himself, to take care of himself right now before getting that involved with some girl. And, I told him he will have to live with the consequences of whatever decisions he makes. I also assured him that making a mistake does not mean he would not be permitted to live in my home, but I hope he will make a wise choice in whatever he decides to do. He took the speech rather well and even thanked me for it afterwards, stating I had given him a lot to think about and no one ever had the conversation with him in the past. I can only hope some of what I said sticks in his gray matter…..

 

 

Saturday night my clothes washer broke. The motor just up and died right after it filled with soapy water and baby blankets. Sunday I took my laundry to my friend’s apartment building because it was slightly cheaper than the Laundromat. While visiting my friend we told her about Primero’s birthday and his brother visiting. My friend was adamant about me not taking Hermano in. As we discussed this Primero, who I know has been holding this in, burst out how he felt it weird that Hermano calls me “Mom” when he doesn’t and he worries that we (Hermano and I) are closer than he is to me and it makes him feel some type of way. He also confirmed what my friend said, that it’s too much for him to have the little ones around, especially the little girl whom he is not very fond of despite her intense attachment to him. I spoke with Primero as we did the laundry and I said if he felt this way he should have told me before I made all kinds of promises to Hermano. He said he wants Hermano to move in but he also feels selfish about it and wants me all to himself. I get that. But I told him that I thought that what he has is what his brother wants, that there is a hole in his heart right now and he so desperately wants to fill it. I knew something had been bothering Primero and I tried to get him to tell me but he wouldn’t. I’m glad he finally let it out and we could talk about it. I assured him that, while my heart has always been to have a big family, it doesn’t mean he would be neglected or that he is any less special to me. I told him, at this point, he is my only son and regardless of the other children in my life, he is my priority. He assured me he did want his brother to live with him but I have my doubts. I guess we will see how things go on Thanksgiving and take it from there. And I know my friend is only thinking of me and worried about me, but her warnings do not deter me from the decision that has already been made. I suppose that’s foolish. I’m just not willing to go back on my word at this point. So, call me foolish.     

I Promise You

Yesterday I had the day off due to Veteran’s Day. We had Primero’s case worker come to see us first thing in the morning and Primero spent most of the time telling her all about his brothers visit. Primero had a plan to prove to his case worker that his brother should be allowed to move in with us. He showed her his room and she agreed the room was plenty big enough for two. Primero told her about a dozen times that Hermano started calling me “Mom” because he felt so happy with us and so comfortable. She agreed it was wonderful to see Primero getting to visit with his siblings and spend time with them. And she actually asked us how often we would be seeing Hermano. So, I asked about Thanksgiving. We would love to have him spend Thanksgiving with us and the case worker concurred, stating she would ask if I could get him Wednesday night and return him Friday so that I won’t have to worry about the holiday traffic on a very congested interstate highway. I explained how I was put-off by the GAL’s last minute decision to cut the first visit short and she said it was most likely due more to everyone being unsure of how it would go, since Hermano is new to the system. But, since things went so well and we had such a lovely time, she didn’t see a reason why the visits couldn’t continue. I was happy to hear this because I feared the visit was only granted for Primero’s birthday and therefore would only be granted in the future for equally as important dates to celebrate.

 

When I relayed the good news to Hermano, he was happy but again expressed his desire to make our home his permanent residence. He told me he had never felt loved before like he does now; to have someone care about him, be interested in his life, to fight to have him – this is what I imagine he means. Last night I posted on Facebook “Be patient. Sometimes you have to go through the worst to get the best” and “I feel like you are the reward for everything I did right in life.” I tagged both the boys in these posts and Hermano posted a beautiful poem in response.

 

I Promise You

 I can't promise you that dark clouds will never hover over our lives or that the future will bring us many rainbows.

 I can't promise you that tomorrow will be perfect or that life will be easy.

 I can promise you my everlasting devotion, my loyalty, my respect, and my unconditional

 love for a lifetime.

 I can promise that I'll always be there for you, to listen and to hold your hand, and I'll always do

 my best to make you happy, and make you feel loved.

 I can promise that I'll see you through any crisis, and hope with you, dream with you, build with you, and always cheer you on and encourage you.

 I can promise that I'll share my dreams my world, and every aspect of my life with you.

 I'll willingly be your protector, your advisor, your counselor, your friend, your family, your everything.

 And I believe that's what love is truly all about.

 

It pretty much sums up exactly what I want to say.  I keep encouraging him to be sure to follow the rules and be respectful when he talks to his case worker and GAL because that will go a long way in showing he is trying to make a sound and mature decision for himself. I tell him to keep up the good work in school, to be involved in the extracurricular activities to keep himself occupied and again, to show he is turning his life around and not looking to get back into the things he had been doing. When he was with us you could hear happiness and hope in his voice. Now that he’s back in his foster home, his voice is sad again, lacking the same merriment it had before. I know I am absolutely insane. I am. As a young single woman, I have no business trying to raise three kids let alone four. But, this isn’t some picture of a kid I see on the state listing for children seeking adoptive homes, this is a live, living, breathing child desperate for attention and affection and love. He wants a home, not just a house. I guess I’m a fixer and I can hear my mom saying to me, “You can’t help everyone. You can’t take away the pain from their past.” But, how can I not try? It’s not like there are hundreds of other families clamoring to take in and love hurting teenagers. If I don’t try to give Hermano a home he will age out of the system and most likely get right back into the life everyone is trying to get him out of. He is a young man who needs someone stable in his life, to guide him into adulthood with love and patience. He is still impressionable, more so than Primero even though he is younger. It’s gotta be someone’s responsibility to see that he gets a positive role model and an opportunity to succeed. My heart gets me in a lot of trouble. My heart pushes me out of my comfort zone, it pushes me to have sympathy for hurting children and to do what little I can to help. I don’t know how to turn it off. I don’t know how to stop being me, to stop myself from caring when no one else would. How do I make my heart stop aching for a child who is so hungry, so desperate for love that even the tiniest kind gesture is huge to him? I can’t help but look at my sweet Primero and think, what if I had said no, what if I refused to let myself care about him where would he be now? Primero was meant to be my son, he was meant to steal my heart one weekend at a time until it felt like I would lose a part of myself if he were to leave. And now, because I opened my heart to a sweet, gentle, kind, amazing teenage boy, I have been given the honor of another sweet teenage boy clamoring for my love and affection. I guess I would rather be called crazy than turn my back on a child who needs a mother. I let myself get pulled into these situations because I put myself in the shoes of these children and I feel their pain and their need for comfort and for someone to genuinely want them, not as an obligation but for who they are as a human being. I want this young man to do well in life and, like Mahatma Ghandi said, I need to be the change I wish to see in the world. I can’t promise this kid he will be able to move in with me, but I can promise to stick by his side and be available to him whenever he needs me, to pray for him, to worry about him, and to help him succeed in life. I can promise my unconditional love that will not fade or break due to distance or location. I will mother him from afar until we can live under the same roof. And I pray to God it will be enough.

Hermano and Our Great Weekend

It was a whirlwind weekend. At the last minute Friday morning Primero’s case worker sent me a text stating his brother’s Guardian ad Litem was not in agreement that he stay the whole weekend. The GAL wanted him to just stay the afternoon or, at the most, one night. Primero was bummed out about this and I felt like it was a trust issue, like I wasn’t being trusted. I mean, here’s the thing. This GAL does not know me, has never met me and only met Primero’s brother once. Yet, they can dictate and ruin the plans that we had for this weekend. Sounds insane, doesn’t it? I mean, the GAL is supposed to be representing the kid, looking out for the best interest of the kid. How can you do that without having a relationship with the child? How can you choose what is best if you don’t have the full picture? I have been here before and I know I can huff and puff all I want but in the end the only change I will create is negative in my favor. So, I bite my lip and keep my opinions to my blog.

 

So, we trekked an hour one way to get Primero’s brother (let’s call him Hermano, it means “brother” in Spanish). His foster mother was nicer in person than over the phone, but it was not an overly gregarious household. We drove an hour home, hitting some rush hour traffic and then picked up the boys’ older sister. The four of us went to the restaurant where the eldest brother works to see him as well. After dinner we went to the mall for a little and then to see the movie Ouija. We took the sister home and then went to our place to crash. It was pretty late by that point. I stayed up with the boys until 1 am and then crashed. I’m not sure how late they stayed up, but they were quiet so I can’t complain. The next day we had to go grocery shopping, which we did after a lazy morning just hanging out around the house. The sister came over with their aunt and visited for a little while and before we knew it, it was time to take Hermano back to his foster family an hour away. We stopped and got some pizza for dinner and then began our journey with heavy hearts. No one wanted the weekend to end. We visited with Hermano’s foster family for a little bit when we dropped him off. It was hard separating the boys again. Hermano gave me a big bear hug (he’s a big kid, over 6 feet tall) and then asked if he could call me, wait for it.......... “Mom.” Yikes!

 

And that’s the thing. Hermano so desperately wants to be part of a family, a real functioning family. He saw how affectionate Primero and I are with one another and he ached for that connection too. His current foster home is very experienced, they’ve been fostering for nearly as long as I’ve been alive, but they are not family to him. He says he feels like a guest there. They can meet his physical needs for shelter and sustenance but they cannot fill his emotional needs. In a brief 24 hours with me, this kid is asking to call me mom, he’s texting me and messaging me constantly to maintain the connection. After we left he sent me the following message, “Had so much fun today all I wish is that I can be with you. I feel loved in your house like I never did before. Like you’re the best and I wish God is with us and lets me come to you. I love you Mom.” I cried. Primero read this to me as we were driving home and I bawled my eyes out. I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. I was kind to him, I encouraged him, I treated him just like I treat Primero – like he matters, like he is important to me. I know it’s crazy, I know that he’s got some skeletons in his closet, I know there is a big possibility for failure, but I cannot turn my back on this kid. We are all praying he can come home to us, because we are his home. Am I being manipulated here? Is it all a ploy just to get himself back to the city where he can run wild again? If it is then he’s pulling the wool over Primero’s eyes too. I think he is sincere. I think one of the reasons he got caught up in the junk he was in is because there is a hole in his heart. Their mother loved them the best way she knew how, but it was not a healthy motherly love. The foster home he is in now treats him well but they do not love him. I love him. And not just by extension of being my son’s brother. After spending time with him, I love him for who he is.

 

But, there’s things of the heart and then there is reality. The reality is constraints on space and finances, the emotional side is a desire to build a life-altering relationship as a cohesive family. My house is small, that’s a reality. But, the room we created for Primero is the largest in the house, plenty big enough for two boys. I found out yesterday that God answered my prayers in relation to paying for childcare, I was approved for financial assistance that will take my monthly payments from $1000 to $20. That’s huge! The little ones also get WIC which helps a great deal, especially with formula, and then there’s the stipend for having foster kids. This would all make the finances possible. Hermano told me he wants to be adopted but was told he would just stay with his foster family until he is 18. So, the powers that be would rather that he age out of the system, alone and cut off from everyone he knows, than make some minor concessions to let him join his brother and be adopted into a family. It’s hard not to feel bitter about that. I need to be careful. I told both the boys this – I cannot and will not do anything to jeopardize or disrupt Primero’s adoption. This is a fight I must sit out. But, I will be sure to let everyone know I am open to dialogue about the situation and I am more than happy to open my home to Hermano and even adopt him as my son, should such a thing be allowed. I’m not saying it would be easy and I’m fairly certain Hermano will break my heart by making me a grandmother before my time, but he deserves a shot at happiness. No, love does not cure all ills, but it does go a long way to mend broken hearts. Hermano is really just a little boy trapped in a man’s body. At one point he said to me, “I’m not a bad kid.” And he’s not, he’s actually very sweet. He’s made mistakes, haven’t we all? But, the price he is being asked to pay for his mistakes is too steep. I know, I know, I’m just a bleeding heart. I guess that is my weakness as a foster parent – I care too much. We all have to live with the decisions the system makes for us, even if we don’t agree with them. But, if given the chance, we will argue our point and explain our desires.

 

I guess all I can say in conclusion is that I feel like God brought Primero to me to be my son. He orchestrated our whole meeting and took us baby steps from respite care to adopted son. Now, through Primero, God is moving to expand our family with Hermano. As I explained it to Hermano, I think God is using the resistance of the county and CHOR to help us be sure this is the step we want to take and so that when we are all together we will be mindful of the time when we were not. Maybe it’s just me being crazy, but I feel deep down like this is going to happen, Hermano will come home and be a part of our family. We just need to be respectful and follow the rules to make it happen. And pray. Every time I think of Hermano I say a little prayer that God will produce another miracle and move Hermano home.        

 

 

http://www.fosteringperspectives.org/fpv13n2/minds.htm (This brief article mentions some of the same things I say about teens in foster care)

Small Victories

It may sound silly, but for a little while now I’ve been worried that the baby wasn’t bonded to me. And, this isn’t coming from a selfish, I-want-to-be-his-forever-mommy place, it’s coming from an understanding that if a baby can attach to his caretaker appropriately, then he will have less attachment issues later on. Last night dispelled my fears. I had a meeting at night after work and had to leave the children with a different foster family. They had taken care of the baby one day last week and they agreed to watch both children while I was in my meeting. The little girl cried when I left her, which she has done before. She settled down after a few minutes and didn’t notice my absence until later on. When I got back to the house I could hear the baby crying. The foster mom was holding him and she said he had been crying like that for 45 minutes. I took him from her, kissed his cheek and said, “What’s the matter sweet boy?” He quieted almost instantly. “Aw, his just needed his momma,” the other foster mom said. I was amazed at how quickly he calmed down once I was holding him and he only whimpered when I put him in his car seat. It was true, all he wanted was the person who has been holding him and putting him to sleep night after night for the past four months. He wanted me. I know to all those bio-mommas out there, this ain’t no thang. But, it’s HUGE to me. I almost started bawling right then and there. So, the baby *is* attached to me. To me! He likes that Primero makes him laugh and plays him music or when his sister pretends to read him a book, but when he is tired and in a strange place, he seeks comfort from my arms, from my voice, from my kiss. It’s an amazing thing, it truly is!

 

Yesterday was full of good news. We got the green light to have Primero’s brother spend the weekend with us for his birthday! Both boys are so excited and I know for Primero this birthday is shaping up to a pretty good one. One downfall is that I do have to drive an hour one way to get this kid, but it will be worth it, for both of them. It will be wonderful for Primero to have his brother with him on his birthday because he couldn’t last year. And it will be worth it for the brother because he will get to spend time in our home and see if it is still the place where he would rather be. I’m so, so, so glad it worked out because before yesterday morning, it didn’t seem like it was going to happen. I called the brother’s foster mom last night. She is with a different agency, one I’ve never heard of. In my short stint as a foster mother, I’ve interacted with many foster families from my own agency, but very few from other agencies. With the exception of one person, I’ve found all the foster families with CHOR to be kind, warm, and genuinely nice people. The one person I don’t care for is arrogant and seems disinterested in being a foster parent, he does it because he’s married to a woman who’s been a foster mother for many years. When I have called other foster families who don’t know me, they are always cordial after I explain who I am. This other foster mother was gruff and rather rude. I’m hoping she is less abrasive in person than over the phone and that when I meet her Friday afternoon, she is as kind and gregarious as all the other CHOR foster families. I know we are with different agencies and we live in different counties, but we have two young men who are brothers and I think we should be able to work together to help them out. Rather than a sense of cooperation, I got the sense that I was an annoyance to her and a problem she wished to expel. She wanted to hear from the case worker with her agency that this plan was truly happening, which I can understand. But, there are polite ways of stating this, which she did not employ. If she treats the foster kids this way, is it any wonder the brother wants to desperately to leave that home? Again, I’m hoping  I just caught her at a bad time, in a bad mood, or off-guard and her normal behavior isn’t so condescending. I don’t mean to rag on another foster parent, I know firsthand that this isn’t an easy gig. I was just so put off by her mannerisms, I can’t help but relay my displeasure. Regardless, we count this as a victory for Primero and his brother. As Primero’s case worker said, they deserve this and they do. I’m glad I made the inquiry and didn’t let fear hold me back. I’m hoping we have a lovely time together, just the three of us since the little ones are going into respite for the weekend. Two teenage boys in the house this weekend, I’m a glutton for punishment! No, in reality, it is a blessing, one I'm very thankful is coming to pass.    

Her Body

My son is dating a young lady who is about to have an abortion. The baby isn’t his, thank God, it’s from her previous boyfriend. He told me about it last night and it’s been killing me ever since. I don’t want to get into politics about abortion. I understand that other people feel differently about it than I do, and probably share Primero’s cavalier opinion that “it’s her body.” I am staunchly pro-life. There, I said it. I’m not saying I would totally ban abortions, but I firmly believe they should not be used a birth control. I believe they should not be common place and they should not be taken lightly. I think they should be reserved for instances of rape and incest or when the mother’s life is in danger. I don’t think abortions should be for stupid teenagers who can’t be bothered to be responsible enough to use protection when having sex. Sex is not a right, it is a privilege that can come with life-altering consequences such as pregnancy. If a young person is not mature enough to handle the consequences, then they should not engage in the act to begin with – and yes, I know telling a hormonal teenager not to do something is about as good as asking your cat to tap dance. But that’s why teenagers still have parents and parents still have control over their teenagers. Again, I know that I am not expressing a majority opinion here and I don’t care. I am mostly concerned about this situation due to my son’s involvement. First of all, I don’t like that he’s dating a promiscuous girl. He is still innocent and I want him to stay that way for a few more years (not innocent in understanding, please it’s 2014 and he’s seen a lot in his life not to mention on TV and in movies – I just mean in his personal experiences). Not only is this girl promiscuous but she is also irresponsible because this is the second time in a short few months she’s been knocked up by her boyfriend. Once, a mistake, twice you’re irresponsible. I know this girl from this past summer and thought she was sweet. I don’t dislike her now, I just wish she weren’t interested in my son. My second issue is Primero’s reaction to all of this; his nonchalant attitude about abortion and that it’s “her body” makes me want to throw up just a little bit. If it takes two to create a baby, it should take two to destroy a baby as well. It might be her body, but she now shares it with another life (since I’m being unpopular, I might as well go ahead and say I believe life begins at conception), a life that is part her creation and part the creation of her boyfriend. Why should she be the only one to decide the fate of that life which is only partially hers? I’m not a proponent for teen pregnancy, far from it. But, as a person who cannot procreate, I cannot endorse killing a life because it is inconvenient. And I hate the fact that my son could as easily eliminate that fetus as he could a bag of trash. I fervently hope and pray he never finds himself in this situation and I’ve talked with him about it a million times. I never told him I expect him to wait for marriage or any other “antiquated” idea such as that, but I did tell him I hoped he would wait until he was truly in love and that he would be responsible every single time. I warned him of the consequences, not just pregnancy but STDs as well. My heart is a little broken over this but I promised him I would stop talking about it. He said he didn’t want to tell me because he knew I would react this way (I had a similar reaction to the news that his brothers girlfriend was pregnant – which oddly enough that girl is Primero’s girlfriends cousin……). Am I over-reacting? Maybe, but it’s hard not to when you see someone about to extinguish something you so desperately wanted to have, to easily shed an experience you’ve hoped and prayed to have for years. It’s not about me, it’s about her and “her body” but I don’t buy that. It is about me because it’s happening in my community, in an after school program where my son loves to hang out, to a girl he really likes. And I find it deplorable.  

Not my circus, not my monkeys

So, we had a nice night trick-or-treating on Friday. It was a little chilly, but we kept warm walking around my friends neighborhood. The little girl was scared at first, but she soon got the idea and had a great time gathering candy. Primero pushed the baby around in the stroller until he began to cry and then I carried him (the baby, not Primero). We have a few cute pictures and a nice memory.

 

This weekend Primero’s brother began unraveling again. He posted on Facebook that he started cutting himself. I sent him a message hoping to bolster his feelings, but it had little effect. He called Primero and they talked for a minute and Primero expressed his exasperation about his brother to me. The brother had broken up with a girlfriend last week and immediately began “dating” another girl via Facebook, but then they broke up as well. How do you stop the insanity with such poor relationship decisions? He doesn’t need a girlfriend right now, he just needs to concentrate on getting (and staying) healthy himself. And then, he can look for a healthy relationship, once he is ok on his own. But, that level of maturity escapes him, unfortunately. We have still not heard if we would be able to have Primero’s brother spend this coming weekend with us. Primero has vowed to follow up with his case worker, since I said it made me uncomfortable to push the envelope. I just don’t want to get any entity irritated and jeopardize Primero’s adoption. At this point, I feel like pulling away from the situation. It’s not that I don’t want to help Primero’s brother, but I doubt very much his moving in with us would cause any great change for him emotionally. He doesn’t have Primero’s plucky spirit and his desire to make the best of every situation. He mentioned on Facebook that his family doesn’t care about him and I know that is bullocks. I know his siblings care about him, but they are not in positions where they can help him beyond offering their emotional support. It’s almost like he is determined to be miserable and even seek attention to draw others into his misery. I’m not a therapist or a psychologist, I have no clue how to help him over-come his emotional demons. It’s always a fine line between offering to help and being a nosy nuisance. I want this kid to know he has a friendly ear to listen, if he feels like talking about things or even just bemoaning his current situation. But, I don’t want to be pushy or seem like I’m trying to force myself into a situation where I don’t need to be. It’s a strange situation to be his brother’s mother (almost!), but nothing to him. So, really at this point it would be easy to just give up and walk away. Just as the Facebook meme states, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” But, that’s the easy way out, it’s the simple way to absolve myself of the responsibility to care for someone I don’t have to care about. Since when have I been about the easy way out? I will reach out to him once again and offer support, let him know all hope is not lost. And, I might even try to get in touch with the case worker to have a definitive answer about this weekend. I will do what I can and pray for the best…….