Hard to Untangle

Sometimes it’s hard to untangle life, it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. Last Thursday I got a call from the woman who has been raising Primero’s older sister, the one who has come to stay with us on a few occasions. It was a long, difficult conversation. The impetus for her call was mostly because she believed the sister was spreading misleading and damaging rumors about her and she wanted to be sure I heard her side. She started off the conversation by telling me she didn’t want Primero to hear what we were saying. He never left my side the entire time we were talking, except to keep the baby quiet. In the hour plus that we spoke, this woman, who considers herself their aunt, did not say one nice thing about the sister. She called her a money grubbing, gold digging, lying, manipulative, slut. This woman lied to make herself out to be a victim. I asked her how I could help and she asked me to see if there are any services that she could use for the sister. I spoke with two case workers about her situation and one said it sounded like the girl was being verbally abused. She is 18 but still needs to complete her final year of high school and I don’t think she is emotionally ready to be living on her own. The case worker suggested she could sign herself into foster care, thus removing herself from her current home. Primero wants her to move in with us and given how insane things seem to be for her, I consented stating we would worry about the legalities after the fact – sort of like asking for forgiveness rather than permission. My heart breaks for this girl and she sent Primero a picture of her arm full of hundreds of nasty red slashes because she had repeatedly sliced herself with something. Her phone had been taken from her, so we were unable to hear her side of the story. When she was finally able to call, she sounded so broken it took everything I had not to pile the kids in the van and go get her away from the mess. This is hard because I want to help and I care about this girl simply because she is family through Primero. But, I also don’t want to start a war with the “aunt” (she is a friend of their mom’s whom they all once lived with so they call her their aunt) and I don’t want to over-step my boundaries. I feel like this is Hermano all over again with the only difference being this girl is not in foster care and is legally an adult. And I don’t really know what to do or how to help or if I should just worry about us and not get involved.

Saturday we will have Chica Marie and Love Bug’s older sister visiting with us, beginning the bi-weekly sibling visits. It’s convenient that she is back in town again, although I don’t know for how long. I’m sure she will be excited for the visit and I hope she will behave the entire time. We plan on going swimming to give her an activity rather than just sitting around the house. The foster mother and I decided we would take turns hosting the visits, although I’m not sure that she would be keeping Love Bug, probably just Chica Marie. I guess we will see.

Nothing New at Court

So the little ones had court yesterday for a permanency hearing. What a mess! This was the first time I’ve been to court with them and not gone before the judge, instead the hearing was before the magistrate as most other CYS cases. The county case worker gave testimony of bio mom not attending scheduled meetings or coming an hour late and not following up. The magistrate discussed all the things that needed to be completed before reunification could be considered and how little to nothing had been done. I had to interject at one point about paperwork not being signed for Chica Marie to attend therapy. The bio mom’s lawyer focused more on the dysfunction of the system and the lack of knowledge the new county case worker seemed to have, versus the issues of the bio mom not completed the mandated things she needed to do. There was heated discussion regarding why Love Bug wasn’t having visits when there was no professional, therapeutic evidence that he was being traumatized, as the case worker indicated. Never mind the persistent documentation by the case workers who facilitated the visits, stating how the baby, even at a young age, would howl nearly the entire duration of the visit. I wanted to recommend they put the bio mom and baby in a room together and see for themselves how he reacts. The lawyer wanted to know where the baby’s trauma came from, sort of trying to imply that it must come from his current setting, meaning my home, and not the visits. Or from the fact that he was “ripped away from his mother right after being born.” In the end, nothing was really decided, other than that another permanency meeting would take place in December. Visits were not reinstated. The bio mom was supposed to take a urine sample immediately after the court hearing and also sign the release for the therapy. The CHOR case worker said she overheard the mom telling her lawyer she couldn’t take a urine test that day because of certain medication she was taking. To me, she looked high. I also suspect she might be expecting again. She was wearing a dress with an empire waist, so any small bump would be hidden, but I caught her rubbing her stomach and noticed it seemed distended. I am most likely reading into things, but honestly, nothing would surprise me.

As we were walking into the services center yesterday for court, the bio mom called out from  behind us and so we walked in together and rode the elevator to the 11^th floor. She gave Chica Marie junk food and tried to hold Love Bug before her lawyer arrived and called her away. At that point I was ushered back into the playroom where the older sister was waiting. She was so happy to see Chica Marie and Love Bug, she picked Chica Marie up and carried her around the room. There was a case worker or assistant (she never introduced herself) who wanted to take pictures of the kids, who were not cooperating. The sister wanted desperately to hold Love Bug and got upset when he would react by clinging to me and crying when she tried. “He doesn’t know me anymore,” she lamented and then began to cry. I felt so bad for her, knowing she had been moved again. I asked if I could give her a hug and told her I had some things in the car to give her from the birthday party. I said we would like to have her come visit whenever that became possible then gave her a tissue and was called off to court. I discovered, during the proceedings that the sister had made allegations against her foster family and so was removed. She told me she is living back in town again, rather than 45 minutes away as before. I also discovered that the girls came into care in January of 2014. It was mentioned that they have been in care for over 15 of the last 18 months and that a petition was filed to terminate parental rights.

So, it was an insane morning, followed by a crazy afternoon at work and helping Primero deal with issues at his summer camp plus getting braces. I’m really looking forward to the weekend and hopefully some rest and relaxation!

Need a Breather

Primero and I had another fight this morning. During it he compared me to both his biological mother and father and it cut me very deeply. He accused me of not being affectionate with him. I accused him of not caring about anything or anyone but himself. And, now that I reflect on the whole thing, I feel like the worst parental caregiver on the planet. I hate these moments. I hate that these stupid things keep coming up and I hate how I handle everything. I’m fairly certain I am doing it all wrong and messing everything up. I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve these kids and even more sure that I need a little break, which will be next to impossible to get because respite is such a premium these days. But, I really do need a breather.

I found out yesterday, from a family worker at CHOR who comes to visit Chica Marie to work on completing her child prep and profile, that the older sister was moved to a different foster home. I was appalled, given how gung-ho the foster family was at court just a few short weeks ago. They had been so in love with this child, so amazed at how differently she was acting and how wonderfully she was fitting into their home and life. And *poof* it’s all over and that poor child is once again bouncing around foster homes. She was moved just last week but the family worker said she thinks the girl’s current foster home is just a temporary stop until she is moved yet again when the county case worker is back from vacation. I mentioned to the family worker how surprised I was, given their attitude the last time I saw them, and she said she didn’t really know what transpired but had heard the girl was talking about boyfriends and some inappropriate relationship things. I have no idea what this means, but I feel bad for the child who is now in her 6^th foster home since being in care less than 18 months. I now wonder if they will reconsider the grandmother as a placement for this girl?

Finalization Paperwork

Primero is starting summer school this week. He needs to pass Math and English in order to pass onto the 9^th grade. He knows this and he desperately wants to move onto high school, but he seems rather unmotivated to do the work. This is an on-going issue for him, one that has been an ingrained habit since long before we met. I need to find a way to be more proactive and helpful in getting him to complete the assignments. Mostly, I am looking at moving him back into a traditional school rather than keeping him in cyber school because he needs the personal attention of a teacher, not the impersonal attention of an online tutor. The school I want to enroll him in only starts at 9^th grade, so he would need to pass to get in. It might be a long summer for us!

We found out last week that our beloved CHOR case worker is leaving the end of this month. Primero is besides himself because she has been with him from the moment he came into foster care and has been his greatest  champion for over 2 years now. She is moving to Florida, so it’s not like she is taking another job but will still be in the area. She promised to be friends with Primero on Facebook and she will be keeping her cell phone number and is fine with him calling or texting if he needs/wants, which I think is great. He has a connection to her and I hope they can keep in touch and Primero can continue to get the support he feels from her. When she was out at our house last week she mentioned that CHOR has been interviewing new case workers and that we would most likely get assigned to the new worker. I balked at this, stating I had worked with a new case worker two years ago and felt so unsupported and discontent. I expressed my reluctance in “breaking-in” another new worker and both Primero and I asked if we could be transferred to the case worker who had been assigned to Love Bug for most of last year. I said it made the most sense, since she knew the story with at least 2 of the 3 kids and Primero just likes talking to her. Our case worker has little control over who is assigned to us, but she did say she would mention our request to her supervisor. She also said she would very much like to attend Primero’s adoption ceremony and will do all in her power to be there, even if it means coming back to the area from Florida (she did say she anticipates making several trips, so one of those trips could be planned to coincide with the adoption finalization).

So, that is the other piece of news she brought to us. Primero’s finalization paperwork has finally been sent to CHOR and she believes his adoption could be made final in the next month or so. I asked her about updating my clearances and medical information, but she didn’t think it was necessary. I hope not, because that could hold up the process. She said she wasn’t sure who would be assigned to manage the case, but that they should be in touch soon. His county case worker has still not come out to visit us and hasn’t really responded after I told her our availability. The adoption supervisor called me to set up a time to come out next Thursday for her first home visit and safety check. This means a massive house cleaning to prepare for her visit.

The other thing our case worker said we need to consider is his therapy and if it should continue. The case worker seemed to think it could stop and Primero is anxious to stop going to therapy. I feel somewhat hesitant to totally stop all therapy just because I’m sure there is plenty for us to continue working on and I fear being cut loose to navigate this transition alone. I guess that’s silly, but the second half of our year together was so rocky and we just weren’t communicating in the best fashion. I shudder to think how we would have overcome it all without having a third party to air our grievances with. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like we still have unresolved issues that resurface from time to time. I guess some things just might never be resolved and I just have to find a way to be ok with that. At this point, his mother is not in the picture while she is in rehab, but I am sure there will be a day sometime soon when she will pop back into our lives and all those feelings he’s never really dealt with will come rushing back. Our comingled insecurities just feed off of one another and we can’t seem to stop it. I know he has state provided insurance and so we could always find a new therapist, but I think being in a crisis and seeking therapy isn’t always the best way to manage these issues. I am still seeing my therapist, but it’s hard right now because work is crazy stressful and I can’t always get away to see my therapist. I guess we will just have to figure things out as we go along and hope for the best.