Fat Girl Yoga

I know, in the world of infertility, there is no real winner, no one with an easy path and I’m not trying to join the Pain Olympics. But, in dealing in passing with the unwanted pregnancy of Primero’s friend it struck me that I have never, not once, not even a little bit, been pregnant. Not that I want to have been pregnant and lost the baby because that is so painful in a different way, but it makes me profoundly sad to think my body is so messed up it simply cannot do what it was designed to do. My ovaries and uterus are like a beautiful yacht sitting on dry land; it looks like a nice seaworthy vessel but it’s never been in water let alone sailed to a beautiful destination. I don’t know why it makes me feel as sad as it does.

 

Maybe I’m just struggling right now because my period has been such a bitch I honestly contemplated doing something permanent to no longer get a period. I just can’t stand how much it interferes with my life, the gushing blood and time it takes to clean up after the mess. And all for nothing because my ovaries don’t do the only thing they’re supposed to do and my uterus just collects blood to irritate my for 10 days every month. The progesterone helps a bit but what I’m finding is, it’s hard to keep the supply coming at a steady pace (both a me issue and an issue with the pharmacy taking FOREVER to fill the prescription and mail it to me), which results in the hot flipping mess that is my pointless, miserable period. This has been going on for too long and I am so tired of it; tired of how miserable it makes me feel, tired of hoping I don’t bleed through the tampon and pad while I’m not at home. Tired of stained sheets and ruined clothing. This is what pushed my mom to have a hysterectomy – just to stop the madness. I feel so done with it all.

 

Primero’s friend has finally decided to tell her mother so she can get an abortion and get on with her life. I’m glad she’s finally decided to take responsibility about the whole thing. When I was visiting my sister and we were talking about it my sister expressed her deep fear (still, to this day) of getting pregnant when she didn’t want to be. But, unlike Primero’s friend, she takes precautions to ensure she is much less likely to get pregnant (because nothing barring abstinence is 100%). And, while it’s not something she wants in her life, she is in a much better place (stable, loving relationship, financially secure, own a home, has a job, not a teenager) to care for an unwanted pregnancy. Honestly, I’m just waiting for the day I get to stop hearing about all of it. Not that I don’t want Primero to share what’s going on in his life, but it’s just so painful to hear and it’s nearly impossible for me to not take it all to heart. Life isn’t fair and there’s really no point in trying to make sense of any of it.

 

In other news, I spent this past weekend visiting my sister and we had a lovely time reconnecting. I hadn’t been down alone to stay with her since my birthday in 2012, so it was due time (I had been down to visit with my parents and grandmother when she graduated from grad school last spring). She had our schedule pretty planned out, because that’s her type A planner, but it wasn’t too intense and we had a lot of fun. She took me to a yoga class, my first ever live class. I was a little very nervous because I had only ever done yoga at home with a video and I tended to yell profanities at the instructor (it was a more intense yoga, my sister took me to a beginners class) when it got hard. Plus, if I look a fool in my living room who cares, but in front of a room full of people? No thank you. And, I should mention, my sister has just become a certified yoga instructor, so there’s that. Anyway, I ended up really loving the class and only having minor issues with two poses, so it was pretty cool. The instructor, who my sister knew, was super sweet so that certainly helped, but what I liked most was the peacefulness at the end of the class. The instructor told us to spread out, make ourselves take up as much space as possible, connect with our breathing and relax and it was so nice! So, I came home and, as fortune would have it, promptly found a yoga studio (sadly, not the one my sister uses) offering a beginners six week class and so I signed up and apparently I do yoga now. I am a little intimidated because yoga isn’t really a fat girl thing, but I’m lucky that I’m pretty bendy and so, other than the standing on your head things, I can get into most of the poses. I also need to purchase a few things I can wear because I’m really not a t-shirt girl (too short-waisted and chubby) and I only have a few leggings. I do have a yoga mat, so there’s that. Yeah, so I do yoga now, who knew?