I don't know why I stopped writing. It's not like I didn't need this space or found a better way of working through things. Maybe I just got tired? In any event, I am not utterly abandoning this space and want to return and make the time to continue writing about the struggles and the beauty of adoption and infertility.
We have had endured some challenging times during this extended lockdown. The last Wednesday in April I got so upset (at something rather trivial) I left the house for two hours. I just walked out sobbing and drove around sobbing until somehow I found my way back home. Only, I didn't want to go home. I needed two friends to talk me into going home. In the end, I only returned because I needed to use the bathroom (and had no mask to use a public restroom) and needed to charge my phone. I hid in my bedroom until it was time to make dinner. The day ended with all four of us making dinner together and all was right with the world.
The children have been doing zoom calls for therapy. I have been doing therapy over the phone, as has Primero and my women's empowerment group has been meeting via Zoom as well. I hide in my van, since there really is no privacy in my house. Primero sits with the kids, reluctantly. He is not working (arcade places are not essential).
The things we are doing well:
1. Taking time outside (when it is not raining)
2. Not worrying too much about school or work and stopping those activities by dinnertime.
3. Trying to stay in touch (the kids have been video chatting with their family)
4. Spending quality time together (we developed a "mom night" for the kids, where they take turns staying up with me while their sibling goes to bed - to give them each some one-on-one time with me and break from one another)
5. Staying home
6. Trying new things
Things we could improve:
1. Primero could spend more time with the people living in this home and less time with the virtual people
2. Anxiety (especially for Love Bug)
3. Primero spent the night with his sister-in-law this past weekend
4. Having a little more grace with one another
5. We could be doing a little more school work the teachers have worked so hard on sending to us
6. Mom could have a little more patience. Ok, we all could.
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I can't imagine how tough it all is for you. I'm glad you're getting support though - both from friends and therapists. I hope you get time and space to breathe deeply. But you've taken a really big step just by admitting the things you want to improve in the future. Good luck!
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