I went to see Dr. F. today, in the office where my mom works. It was a mistake. I suppose I was hoping that finally someone would be willing to help me. To figure out why I am not getting pregnant - the whole story. I want to figure everything out. That is not what happened. What did happen makes me feel even more hopeless and sure we will never have a biological baby.
So, the doctor had me explain what other doctors have tried. He mentioned that my hemoglobin was high and when I asked what that meant, he said my body can hold a lot of oxygen. I have no idea what that means. He said my blood pressure was a tad high, which I said always happens at the doctor's office. Most of the time I was with the doctor, he talked about losing weight. He didn't ask me about my irregular periods. He didn't care that the nurse documented that I pass clots sometimes as large a half dollars during my period. He didn't really seem concerned about the spotting sometimes a week or more before my period. And he did not do an exam (which, actually I was glad about, since I have a head cold and feel worse that 3 day old shit). No, he just kept harping on my weight. Hello! I know I am fat. I have a mirror in my home. I have known I need to lose weight since I was a chubby kid - the only girl wearing a bra in third grade. If I had a dime for every person who felt it was their job to tell me I should lose weight, I would be so much prettier if I'd lose weight, I'm fat, I'm too heavy, I'm undesirable because I am not at a weight that is "normal," I have such a pretty face to be so over-weight, for every backhanded compliment like "you should be a plus-sized model" - if I had a dime for every time I have looked in the mirror and tried to imagine how I would look if I were thinner, for years of hating, loathing, and detesting my body, for every time I get so frustrated trying to find something to wear, for every pound I lost only to gain back. For the kids who tormented me about my weight in grade school. For the Nicaraguans who would ask, "You're so fat, arent' you?" For every time my husband suggests I should try herbal tea or diet supplements or some exercise equipment to lose weight. If I had a dime for every single one of these things, I'd have more than enough money to pay for IVF. So, now I can add to that list, the fact that I can't have a baby because I am too fat. The doctor actually suggested lap-band surgery. So, all the feelings of peace and over-coming the pain of not having a biological child - it's gone. I felt so terrible about myself, that I didn't eat a dam thing for dinner. I wish I had not gone to this doctor. And I am scheduled to go back in a month. For a weigh-in. Great.
The doctor did put me back on Metformin - which I hate. My body never got used to it last time. I will fill the prescription on Monday. I will suffer some more or some ridiculous pipe dream that I don't even believe in. And I will try to lose weight. I will start walking and eating tiny portions. I will agonize about every morsel I put into my mouth. I will feel miserable and deprived and worthless. But, there really is no point. Now more than ever I don't believe I will ever have a biological child.
So, tomorrow we have our third and final adoption training. Generally, I have looked forward to our trainings because it takes us one step closer to actually adopting a child. But, now I don't feel like doing a dam thing. I feel so disheartened. And the fact that I have a cold is not helping. And I was just beginning to get excited about adopting a baby. Next week my mom and I are going to a Just Between Friends event, where there are a lot of great gently used baby and children's items. I was really looking forward to it. Now, I don't really want to go.
I am right back where I was so many months ago - hopeless, miserable, broken. And now, I can add self-loathing to the list. Dam it all to hell.
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