New Years Resolutions

The end of the year is always time to reflect on the past year and look forward to a new beginning with the coming year. The end of this year, also marks the three year anniversary of when Flaco and I started trying to conceive our first child. I have been thinking about what a person can do in three years. Three years is longer than being in the Peace Corps (that is 2 years and 3 months). In three years  a person can get an associates degree or be over half-way done with their bachelors degree (generally, this takes 4 years). If we had gotten pregnant right away, our child would now be almost 2 ½ (he or she might have been born in September 2009 – wow!!!). In three years time the presidential election is coming back around as are the summer Olympics. A lot can happen in three years!! But, one thing has not happened. . . . . 

So, every year I make new years resolutions. Some years I am more gung-ho about it than other years. This year I would like to call them goals, rather than resolutions. I have decided that 2012 is going to be a stellar year for me and Flaco. I’m done with the bullshit. Done with the sorrow and the misery and the waiting, waiting, waiting. This year is going to be different. It’s going to be off the charts and totally rockin’! I have read the book The Secret and listened to the CD. I listen to Joyce Myer every morning. While The Secret can be a little on the hokie side, the main idea is good – that by thinking positively about something, believing it to be true, the cosmos works to make it so. In Joyce’s words, God wants to give us abundant life, we just need to believe it is ours to have – or something like that. My point is, I am calling positive abundance into my life because I am stating these things as truths that have already happened. 2012 is awesome – not might be, not could be, but IS. Perhaps you think I have gone kookie or lost my marbles. Honestly, I’m not really into the ooie-gooie celestial stuff. I think I’m a lot more pragmatic than all that. However, all the pragmatism in the past did not get me anywhere really. Rather than moving forward, I felt that we move backwards in 2011. Backwards in terms of our finances, our relationship, and the whole infertility fiasco. So, I’m adding a sprinkle of spirituality into this coming year, in hopes that by faith and belief and sheer mental determination, 2012 will be a year of miracles and abundance. 

So, for my goals in 2012. I have three. I thought I would list them here, since it will make them available for anyone to hold me accountable to them. Without further ado, here are my 2012 goals/resolutions.

1)      Financial – in 2012 we are getting out of debt. I have already devised a plan to pay off the debt we have, bit-by-bit. The good news is we will have paid off several smaller debts by May, which will allow us to dedicate more financial resources to the bigger money suckers. But, getting out of debt will mean we will be able to save more money and not have to live paycheck-to-paycheck. It will also mean we will be able to do more things – like take mini vacations or treat ourselves every once in awhile without feeling guilty or worrying about how we will put gas in the car the next week. So, 2012 will be our year to break free from the bonds of our debts. Woopie!!

2)        Weight – Yes, this is everyone’s resolution every year. But, I figure it can’t hurt to give it a try yet again! My goal is to lose 50 pounds, which is a little less than a pound a week. I will do this by eating smaller, healthier portions and walking with my sweet Canela (she is the dog I brought back from Nicaragua, I call her my Nica princess and love her to pieces. She loves to go for walks and she is always very good). I’m not a gym person and I am not a runner (too many things jiggle), but brisk 30 minute daily walks are totally do-able. I like to ride bike as well, so maybe as a gift to me, when the debt is paid off, I can get a nice bike. 

3)      Clean house – To make room for all the new blessings coming our way (mainly, a child) I think it is time to get the house in order. The whole house. Top to bottom, bottom to top. We need to cull our wardrobes, get rid of unwanted, unused junk, de-clutter, and get everything in a proper place. I started doing this when I was getting the house ready for the home study, but since then things have piled up. So, time for some organizational systems to be put in place (and enforced) and get it all ready. Yesterday’s potential placement made me realize that my house, my car, and my life needs to be ready at any moment to welcome home our baby. So, I will set a cleaning schedule and whip Mr. Flaco into shape so that our house is never not ready for company – if that makes sense. This is probably going to be an on-going venture, since things happen that make cleaning a low priority (like illness or an über-busy schedule). Still, I think it is a worthy endeavor and so I have made it a goal. 

I wish everyone a healthy, happy and fabulous new year!!! 2012 is going to ROCKS!

Placement

Nothing is ever easy. I thought, foster-to-adopt would be easier than trying to scrimp and save for IVF or other infertility treatments that might or might not work and sure as hell would hurt. I thought my heart would be safer and the process would be less painful. I was wrong. 

I got a call this morning from Consuelo, our case worker at CHOR. She left a message on my cell phone, rather than calling my work phone (which I thought was odd). I heard the message at lunch. She said she had a placement for us, for two girls ages 5 and 3. But, they were not legal risk. They were just in need of a home for foster care. She asked me to call her co-worker Andrea to get more information and to let her know if we would be interested. Before I called Andrea, I called Flaco. I told him the situation and he said flat out, “No.” His reason? “We don’t want to be a daycare with kids coming and going. We want our own child.” This is true. So, I called Andrea to let her know. Before I could explain to her our decision, she began to tell me about these two little girls. First of all, the girls also have two brothers for a grand total of 4 kids in the family (I guess the brothers have already been placed in a home). Consuelo got their ages wrong, they are actually 6 and 4 (almost 5). They are African-American and they are in foster care because their parents can’t keep housing and have been bouncing around for over a year and a half, in and out of homes or temporary housing. She said the children do not show signs of behavioral issues but there has been the suggestion of domestic violence in the household (it is thought to be just between the parents and not involving the kids). Apparently, about 6-8 weeks ago CHOR found a home for the kids but the county didn’t take them up on the offer. Now, they went to court yesterday to remove the kids and desperately need to place the kids in homes, but the original home (the Lopez’s apparently) are not responding to the phone calls and messages. So, they thought of us. I kindly explained our situation as follows, “I really appreciate the referral and that you thought of us. Thank you for giving me all this information. I spoke with my husband before I called and he is adamantly opposed to foster care due to our delicate situation. We have been through a lot with infertility and he worries that a foster care situation might be too much for us at this time.” I thought it sounded diplomatic. 

But, I feel bad. I feel bad for the two little girls (the older girl has a name on our short list of girl’s names that we might have used if we had been able to get pregnant) that they have to be in this situation. I know it would be totally impractical to take them into our home. We don’t have a crib yet, let alone two beds (which would never fit into the tiny room we have for a bedroom, unless we got bunk beds and in my opinion 6 and 4 year olds are too young for bunk beds) and the house is a hot mess because I was so sick last week and then Christmas hit and there was no time to clean (this is on my agenda for tonight). We would need to find immediate childcare and potentially enroll the older girl in school (which is out until January sometime – I think, but what do I know, I was homeschooled!). My heart hurts for these girls (just like it did for the little boy who was potentially going to be placed with us right before Thanksgiving). Where did they spend Christmas? Did they have a nice meal? Gifts? Were they warm and safe? I know we could provide them a nice temporary home, give them love (I already imagined myself trying to find some educational age appropriate shows on TV, making chicken fingers for dinner, and heaving them in and out of our giant old claw-foot tub for baths – I think of the weirdest things sometimes!) and stability. Part of me wanted to say yes, just so I could be a mom for a little while. But, I sent an email to my friend SJ (her finalization was last Wednesday for her little girl she adopted through CHOR) and she confirmed Flaco’s decision  - “Wow Flaco  is right you need one that is legal risk... Don’t start with foster care as it could suck you in in getting the placement you want. If we would of said yes to Foster Care when we took our break we would not have A. So you did the right thing.” But, still – I feel badly for saying no. These are two precious little girls who need someone to care for them. And apparently, I am a reproductive delinquent who needs someone to care for! I know in my heart of hearts that we are waiting for an infant. A baby that will ours, not just living with us on a temporary basis. I just didn’t expect myself to get attached to children I haven’t even met! But, I guess it all stems from me thinking that all children deserve happy homes with lots of hugs and kisses,  giggles, bedtime stories, tickles and love. And knowing I can offer this to children in need, makes me want to sweep them all up in my arms and make them feel safe and secure and happy. But, I also need to be realistic. And I need to think of our emotional welfare as well. I said a prayer that these girls will be going to a happy home where they can feel safe. I asked God to watch out for them and their brothers and to help their parents to get their act together and find them a permanent home. I gave them a mental hug and prayed for “our” baby to come to us soon! I don’t really know why we are going through what we are going through. I have already mourned a child that was never mine every month for the past three years, what’s a few more? I guess, this is all intended to make us stronger – at least it hasn’t killed us yet. 

Other random notes of interest. My mom and I were talking about babies and undeserving mothers whilst post-Christmas shopping on Monday. My mom declared, “It’s not fair because you would be a great mom.” I almost started bawling! I think that’s the highest compliment my mom could ever pay me – to tell me I would be a great mom. It was sweet and while it hurts that I am not already a mother, it made me feel better to know that someday I might be a dam fine mother (only I will need to learn not to use words like “dam” around the kiddies!). Last night Flaco and I went to the mall. Today is his birthday and we were looking at some potential birthday presents. As we were clomping along we passed a man holding a baby girl (the baby was dressed all in pink, so I am assuming girl) and feeding her a bottle. He seemed a little awkward, but the look of sheer joy on his face radiated pure love to her. He didn’t notice anyone else in the mall, just the baby in his arms. I’m thinking he’s a new daddy (the baby might have been 3-4 months old – but, what do I know?), but the image not only made me smile (teary eyed) but it is also burned into my memory. It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. My heart ached for Flaco to have the same experience with our own baby girl (or boy). Perhaps someday . . . . .  

Merry Christmas!

     I know the holiday's are a rough time for infertiles. While enjoying friends and family with new babies is a blessing, it can also be a reminder of the pain in not having a baby of your own. I have spent a lot of mental energy thinking about how this might actually be the last Christmas without a baby (we are quickly approaching our 3rd year anniversary of trying to start a family, so this is the 4th Christmas that I have thought it might be the last one we spend without a baby). Mostly, it makes me feel better and more excited for Christmas next year. But, it also makes me a little sad. I have three friends who are celebrating this Christmas with a new baby - two for the first time. I want to be them - and when I think like that I tell myself that next year I will be them. I will be celebrating baby's first Christmas with our "new" baby. So, I don't want to dwell on the past sorrows or pick at the scabs of previous injuries. 2012 is going to be an awesome year for me and Flaco. I am accepting that as a FACT.

     I am blessed in my life to have many special friends. There is a woman I work with, who is old enough to be my grandmother. She jokes that she adopting me as her daughter so she has someone to leave all her great jewelry to when she passes on. She is dealing with the foster system as a great-grandmother. Her grandson fathered a child, but he refuses to accept the child as his own (even after the paternity test shows the baby, now 1 1/2 years old is his). Her great-granddaughter's mother is not doing what she should be doing to get the baby back. This child will be the fourth she has lost to the child welfare system. But, the family who have this baby now and who are hoping to adopt her, do not want any family interaction. My friend is heartbroken. She does not want to adopt her great-granddaughter and be a mother again, she just wants to be a grandmother to her and spoil her and spend time with her on weekends and holidays. The new potential adoptive parents want nothing to do with her or her son. It breaks my heart. I pray that Flaco and I will be given wisdom when our time comes, to decide what (if any) family members should stay involved in our baby's life. My friend came to my cubicle on Friday to give me a beautiful bracelet for Christmas. She also asked me a favor. She knows that Flaco and I are adopting (she wishes she could give us her great-granddaughter - if only things worked that way). She asked to be a part of our baby's life. She wants to be "Gran" to our baby. I told her we would be honored and in my opinion a baby can never have too many grandparents.

     I have another friend around the same age. She is a pistol. Totally hysterical and I love her to pieces. I hope I can be as "cool" as she is when I am old. She lives alone and sometimes calls me to come spend time with her when she gets lonely. She always has the best wine. Today we went out to a Christmas Eve brunch. I told her the above story (she knows the woman I work with) and she said that she expects to be a part of our baby's life too. She wants to baby-sit and spoil our baby.

     So, I am telling these stories because I am so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life. People who are not only supportive of me and Flaco, but who are also anxiously awaiting for our baby to come home. Our baby is already so loved. And he/she already has so many people waiting to love her/him, to spoil her, teach her, and spend time with her. I just want to be sure to remind myself to be thankful for such blessings in my life.

     I wish everyone a blessed and very Merry Christmas!

If you love something, let it go. . . . .

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours forever. If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be.” 

I can’t remember how much I wrote about losing one of our dogs – well, not losing. Flaco made me give him up. The dog, a white Siberian Husky named Toby, whom I fondly call Monster, is back home with us again. The end of July, beginning of August, after yet another fight with Flaco about the dog, I  got pissed off and posted him on Craig’s List as “free to a good home”  to prove to Flaco that no one would want a 3 year old dog (and I received a million emails about how I should not have done this because that is how animal hoarders get most of their animals or how people find “feeder” dogs for dog fighting). Toby is a beautiful dog – pure white (unless it has recently rained because he likes to play in the mud) with light blue eyes. I posted a picture of him and I received a lot of phone calls and emails. Toby is very friendly and loving (and huskies are generally more stand-offish). I didn’t want to give him up, but a couple contacted me, provided a referral (they got two huskies from this other woman) and even came to pick him up with their other two dogs. They seemed like a really nice couple. I cried my eyes out for days after Toby left. Even though he was a pain in the arse with his trash-eating, door handle jingling, paper towel shredding, sock burying, underwear chewing, need for constant attention ways – he was still a part of the family. I got some up-dates on Toby and by all reports he was doing well. 

Then, out of the blue, last week I got a message on Facebook from the wife.
"Hi I'm the one who has Toby. I was just checking with you to see if you could take him back for a little til someone else could keep him. My husband git into trouble with the law last week is standing trial out of state. I am 15 weeks pregnant and he took all our money so I am going back to my parent who live overseas (they live in Turkey) to have the baby. I'm very sad to leave the dogs but I don't have another choice. I just wanted to check with you if you could take him I am looking everywhere for homes for my babies. It's just hard to rehome 3 siberian huskies in a week or so."
 Seriously?! Is this for real? What could I say? No, I can’t take him back. So, I went to get him last Friday. Flaco is furious. He told me I could put another add on Craig’s List to get rid of the dog again. But, I was so happy to see Toby again!! And it felt so right for him to be home. Like a missing puzzle piece was finally back in place. Jackson (he’s one of the cats and Toby’s bff) was so happy to have his buddy back, he laid next to him and licked his ears. Even princess Canela (she is the dog I brought back from Nicaragua) was happy to see Monster again. But, Flaco warned that this was going to cause problems between us again because he hates the hair that Toby sheds. And he complains that our house is too small for two dogs and two cats. 

This past weekend I went up to the farm to make cookies (we are a little crazy with our cookie making – we make at least 12 different kinds!) and my mom (who noticed my post of Toby’s return on Facebook) asked me what we were going to do with the dog. I explained how Flaco wants him gone again and how I am so happy to have him back. My mom and sister believe it would be best to have Toby find another new home because it might be too much for the baby we are hopefully getting soon. They worry about hair and dander (and I wonder if they doubt my housekeeping skills) in our small home. But, in my heart, I know that Toby deserves better than being bounced around just because he sheds a lot (and he does! Like pounds of hair every Fall and every Spring). And Monster loves kids! I worry more about Canela with small children because she gets scared and can be a little snippy (she is a smaller dog – about 30 pounds). I don’t know, I feel like the family is all back together again and I would hate to have to go through this all again. So, the quote above this post, is kind of how I feel about Toby. Maybe I will change my mind when he is shedding again (although a friend of mine suggested Omega 3 tablets to help with the shedding – she said it really works with her dogs). 

We got our official letter of approval from CHOR on Saturday. The waiting has officially begun. I hate waiting. I am not a very patient wait-er. And, we are on the eve of our 3 year anniversary of when we began trying to start a family, so I think that makes the waiting even harder. We have been waiting for three years!!! In this amount of time, 16 babies have been born to friends/acquaintances!!!! SIXTEEN!!!!! And I know four pregnant women right now. It’s crazy! It’s actually kind of depressing to look at these numbers. Very soon, 20 children will have been born into this world and not a one has been born to me and Flaco. I know of one friend who is dealing with infertility right now. So, 20 out of 22 couples have been able to conceive and deliver babies (which I guess is actually pretty good odds, since one in six couples have infertility issues, as the national average). I must be careful that the old bitterness doesn’t creep back in. 

I have been dreaming and day-dreaming about “our” baby. At random times throughout the day, I will think to myself how whatever I am doing at the time might change once we have a baby. I envision holding my baby at church, and what that might be like. I think about looking in my rearview mirror to see if the baby has fallen asleep on the drive home. I was thinking last night as I was drifting off to sleep that we will need to get a baby monitor because I will never sleep if I am worried I will not hear the baby cry. I was thinking that the “baby’s” room is so far from our bedroom (our house is tiny, but the baby’s room is the farthest room from our bedroom) and how I might just want the baby to sleep in our room until I feel more settled as a new mom. I think about what kinds of foods I will need to buy for the baby (if he or she is a little older like 2 or 3). When we were baking cookies, I thought about holding a baby on my lap as I decorated the cut-outs. Probably 23 of the 24 hours in a day I am thinking about “our” baby. I might be just a tad-bit obsessed. But, it is hard to not think about it. And I have modified my thoughts from including pregnancy and telling people about my pregnancy, to just simply having a baby plopped in my arms. But, I still think a lot about a baby and how our lives will change. I am anxious for the baby to be here, but I might need to wait for a long time. So, I try to put all my thoughts out into the future. I pray every day that God will guide our baby to us – the baby He means for us to have. 

Stamp of Approval

     It is official! As of 12/06/2011, we are approved to adopt a baby from the Children’s Home of Reading!     We will even be getting a certification in the mail! Consuelo came to our house around lunch to make sure we made the necessary changes (the new child proof locks are craptastic, but if they fail, we still have the old ones in place) and I gave her the final paperwork (minus our photos because they didn’t come in the mail yet today). Now we wait. Consuelo indicated we might be waiting a long time, which makes me sad, but it surely won’t be longer than the three years we have already been waiting. . . . . Flaco voiced some concerns about getting a child of a race/skin color different from us because the child’s friends might make fun of him/her. Consuelo told him not to worry about it because it doesn’t matter, children pick on other kids for any and all reasons and as long as we love our child, it doesn’t matter. I told him he just needs to have faith in God that He will send us the child that is meant to be ours. I think Flaco is just freaking out because THIS IS IT, we are approved and any day now we could have a baby in our home. To be honest, I’m even a little rattled. . . . . 
     But, there are other side stories brewing behind the scenes. The day that Consuelo called us about the 18 month old baby boy, I was so excited I just had to call my mom and tell her about it. We had a brief conversation because we were both still at work and then we chatted later that night. She told me she had been talking to a different doctor where she works, to see if he would be willing to see me because she didn’t feel Dr. F did a good enough job. He just pawned me off to a different infertility doctor, whom I never saw due to the cost of a simple consultation. I told her I would be amendable, but I was not going to see another doctor, just to have him tell me “take the metformin, loose some weight, and try IVF.” She said she would be sure to express this to the “new” doctor, Dr. E (these are the real initials of their last names, in case anyone thought I was just trying to go through the alphabet ;). While I have moved on to accept the reality of adoption rather than biological children, my mother has not – she still hopes for a biological grandchild. I find balancing her hopes and fears with my own somewhat exasperating, but I try not to delve too much into the psychology of it all. Suffice it to say, that much like other diseases and ailments, infertility affects so many in our lives. Another side story is the possibility of getting into an  infertility study.
     A few weeks ago (or maybe more like a month or two) my mom had given me the name of a person at the Hershey Medical Hospital who was conducting an infertility study. The daughter of a nurse my mom used to work with got into this study and my mom thought it was worth me giving it a try. Unfortunately, I miss-placed the number. But, right before Thanksgiving I found it again and called. The woman’s voice message stated that there was a high volume of calls and messages, but she would eventually return them all. She called me the next day and left a message on my cell phone. After playing phone tag, I finally spoke with her last Monday. There were two studies she was screening for – one for women with PCOS, but I couldn’t be taking Metformin and would need 2 months for it to “wash out” of my system and by that point they would no longer be taking new participants. So, I was ineligible. The second study was for unexplained infertility and I could not have an official PCOS diagnosis (which I guess I have). Again, ineligible. So, she said she would pass my name and number along to a co-worker who was screening for a PCOS study and there would be enough time for me to “wash out” of the Metformin and get into the study however, I get a period every month and would need to prove (?) that I don’t ovulate to get into the program. I spoke with Patsy, who heads up this study, last Wednesday. I stopped taking the Metformin that very day and I need to call her in January when I get my period so she can test my hormones to make sure I didn’t ovulate. Then, there will be some other preliminary tests done on me and Flaco and we could be in the study. This study is specifically for women with PCOS. Apparently, they are testing some new ways that doctors can work with women, using Clomid to induce ovulation, to help them get pregnant. There are three possibilities 1) I will be told to just lose weight and be in a rigorous weight loss program (goodie), 2) I will be encouraged to lose weight, will be put on the birth control pill for a short time (I am not sure why and didn’t get a chance to ask) then be given Clomid, or 3) I will be given just Clomid. I could be in the study up to 18 months, depending on how things go. Hey, if getting pregnant becomes a by-product for helping future women with PCOS get pregnant, I see it as a win-win-win! But, first I have to officially accepted into the study. This will happen no sooner than January 2012. 
     Yesterday, Flaco and I went to NYC to renew Flaco’s Nicaraguan passport – this did not happen, but we do have all the information we need to get him a new one (because they don’t renew passports? Neither of us understands, but whatev). We drove to a friends house Sunday night (we got there around 2 am – it’s just about a three hour drive and we left after Flaco came home from work and took a shower) and went into the city during the day. My friend and fellow blogger, has a 2 year old son (just as precious as can be) but she is dealing with secondary infertility (which is mind boggling to me – if it worked one time, why doesn’t it work more than once? Biology is messed up!). Well, this little guy took a liking to Flaco almost right away. Me, eh just some lady that calls me dude. But, Flaco, he’s totally toddler cool. When getting a tour of the house in the morning, my friends baby took Flaco’s hand like it was just the most natural thing to do. Later, when we were out to dinner, the little guy let Flaco lift him across the table to sit between us for a picture. And when we were saying good-bye, he ran to Flaco for a big hearty good-bye hug (he needed to be coaxed and cajoled to give me a hug, sniff sniff). It made my heart so glad and happy to see my husband with this sweet little boy. I have always known that Flaco will be an awesome dad, but I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing him in action. Flaco makes it seem effortless. Is it because he is the oldest of 5 and helped to raise his younger siblings? Perhaps. But, I think it is also just who he is. My Flaco, the world’s number one dad. I am crying now. I feel guilty for impeding Flaco’s ability to be a great dad. I hate infertility. But, I know this will be over soon – right? Soon, we will get a call and our baby will be running to Flaco’s arms every night he comes home from work for a big hearty hug.