The Most Awful Day of the Year

I f-ing hate mother's day. I wish I could hibernate through this whole dam weekend. That wouldn't be fair to my mother, so I put on a happy face and mutter through. I am in a funk today. I want to be busy little beaver cleaning my house, pulling weeds. I should be spending time with my sister who is visit from DC. But, instead I want to RAGE. I want to scream and cry and throw things. I don't know quite why. Perhaps, part of it is mother's day. Perhaps part of it is that my fourth wedding anniversary would have been Thursday (5/10). Some of it is my feeling of entrapment financially. I am very stuck here, in this house, with little finances to do a total make-over as I would very much like to do. And some of it is stems from this guy I am seeing. He's calling me his girlfriend. But, I haven't seen him in over a week. And we have only seen each other three times total and two of those times it was at my behest. I am waiting for him to think of something. I guess, he thought the first time he asked me out would be the only time..... I don't know. And, I know he is way more into me than I am into him. Don't get me wrong, I like him. But, I don't have any romantic feelings towards him. More than one friend has said that in the beginning perhaps that isn't as important. Feelings need time to grow. Well, it wasn't like that with Flaco. There was (and sometimes still is) an immediate magnetic attraction. Not love at first sight but something pretty dam close. I guess you could argue, "well, look where that got you." And to some extent you would be right. But, does that mean I will spend my life without that passion? That burning desire that makes you want that other person with every fibre of your being? I don't know. I just fucking hate things right now. I try hard not to hate my life at the present moment, because things could be so, so, so, so much worse in the grand scheme of things. But, here I sit on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Crying. Wishing I could have woken up in someones arms this morning. Wishing I could feel those feelings of romantic love again. Instead, I am here alone. Doing wash and trying to convince myself to get the house cleaned and the weeds pulled. Telling myself that things aren't that bad, they will get better, and I should be grateful for what I do have like my health and great friends and a loving family...... But, I can't stop sobbing. And feeling pretty dam sorry for myself. And hating myself for feeling sorry for myself. Told you I was in quite a funk..... I feel like I am suffocating. I feel like I have a tiny match to hold against the encroaching, all encompassing, looking darkness that threatens to gobble me up and whisk me away for good. I am standing at the precipice and losing all my ability to keep from tumbling down, down, down into oblivion. I put on a CD I made for myself with positive songs that remind me to hang on, this too shall pass. But, my evil mind keeps playing over the bad things, the things I cannot control, the things I don't like to think about right now. I don't know why today this all seems to overwhelm me. For a long time I was doing pretty good - no tears, not feeling sorry for myself, finding that girl power thing..... Not today. I am weak today. I could use as hug today. I want to climb back into bed and cry myself to sleep. I have been thinking this morning that I think I need to stop seeing this guy or any guy. Clearly, I don't have much to offer at the moment, Just confusion and sadness and brokenness. I need to find the woman I am all alone. The woman who is ok with being thirty and motherless and single. I need to find the happy me under all this shit. But, I fear she doesn't exist. I feel like all I wanted from life was to have a happy marriage and a happy family. And for some reason, that makes no sense to me, I don't get to have what I want. Not even a little bit. I used to think being an adult meant making decisions to get what you want. But, now I realize that being an adult means making decisions and never getting what you want. I don't think my steam of consciences makes sense anymore, so I will sign off. There are other up-dates, but they will have to wait. For now, I just need to try to breathe.......