New Ideas

The CHOR case worker came over again last night. Since the kid and I are getting along so well with no issues, her visits are rather brief. Last night she asked if the county case worker could accompany her next Thursday because they need to do a planning meeting. She said they need to talk about permanency for the kid and she assured me the county is still “working on it” meaning they are still looking for a different foster home for him. When she asked the kid how he felt about leaving my place he said, “Please don’t talk about it, you’re going to make me cry!” And I felt like such an ogre. I felt like such a rotten, selfish person. It didn’t help that a few days ago a friend of mine who happens to work for a different foster/adoption agency sent me information regarding a potential placement for a toddler boy. I notified my new family worker (Oh yeah, I have a new family worker. My family worker is still with CHOR but for whatever reason they shifted me to the woman who wrote my family profile) and it turns out the county wants to keep him in their  county and they are not considering other counties at this point. Blah. Unfortunately, I let it slip in conversation with the kid that I was interested in another placement and the poor thing got so upset! “So, they’re going to move me?” he asked. The tone of his voice was half panic and half sad disappointment. I let him know it was not definitely happening and that I didn’t think “they” would throw him out. But, it got me thinking. I have a room in my basement. It was started by Flaco to be his man cave. Currently, it is my storage room for things like Christmas decorations, out of season shoes (because they  can’t all fit in the closet at one time), and all the baby paraphernalia. The room is heated and has walls and most of a ceiling. I have the two new windows to put in, I just need someone to build the sills. It has recessed lighting (although only one of the 4 bulbs work) and a door. It’s a start, basically. Now, if I were handy, I could finish this room all by myself. But, I’m not handy. And I don’t have a lot of the necessary tools. So, I asked around and found three possible helpers. My hope and goal, is to make this room my bedroom (although, I’m not sure about the chandelier I got for Christmas – the ceilings are low because it is a basement and I’m not sure that lighting will go with the recessed lighting throughout the rest of the room. It’s something to think about). If I move myself to the basement (I need the weather to get warm enough to open up the doors and windows and really give the basement a good scrubbing before finishing the room) it would leave two bedrooms upstairs – one for the kid and one for my baby. Perfecto no? The only issue with the basement bedroom, other than the cement floor, is that it is not air conditioned. But, since it is technically underground, it doesn’t get all that hot. It does get a little on the swampy side when it’s very humid. I’m thinking all I would need is a fan to push the muggy, torrid air around and I would be good. And I might need a dehumidifier in the summer. The stuff currently stashed in the room will need to move to the other side of the basement, encroaching on the cat’s area, but they would also gain access to the bedroom, so I guess it’s 6 of one, half dozen of the other. So, this is my solution. This way, I can still be available for a permanent adoption placement and the kid can stay put until he returns home to his mother. It’s a win-win, right? Plus, as a bonus, my bedroom would increase in size and I might just be able to get a closet big enough to fit all my stuff in one place! Woo-hoo! I just hope I can make it happen and soon. I’m praying for wisdom to know what to do in this situation. Part of me doesn’t want the kid to leave because it’s nice having someone around and because he’s such a good kid. But, the other half of me is so desperate to get a permanent placement to adopt that it makes me sick to think of putting that on hold (yet again).

 

I found out this morning via Facebook that a friend is expecting her first baby in November. I promised myself I wouldn’t harp on this all day, but I would be a liar to say it doesn’t faze me anymore. Right now I know three pregnant women – one about to pop and two due in the fall. And I’m hardly any closer to motherhood than I was 5 years ago when I began all of this. I’ve been forcing myself to think of something positive that has come out of this long and miserable journey. The only thing I can think of is that I know what I’m made of, I know just how strong I am. I could say something sappy, like getting the be in the lives of some pretty great kids and having wonderful adventures and experiences with them. But, quite frankly, I would change that for having been able to get immediately pregnant. Sorry, but it’s the truth. So much for being positive. I got cocky. I thought I was doing so well with my pregnant co-worker friend (the one about to pop) listening to her talk about her pregnancy and whatnot. But, then another co-worker got pregnant and now this. And I’m not doing as ok as I thought. Instead I feel a physical pain, a searing, burning, inside dissolving pain. I want to think about all the good things I have – I must think about this! But, the placement phone calls have all but dried up and I have a teenager living with me. This just isn’t the life I imagined for myself. So, I guess the best thing to do is make the most of what I do have and stop worrying about what I don’t have. Only God knows why this the path I’m on and only He can do anything to change its direction.