Settling In

I haven’t posted anything in a while. Not because nothing is happening, but just because I’ve been busy. The kid and I are getting into a routine, after settling all the bus issues (as in the school refused to send a bus even though I was told they would – eventually, they agreed to pick him up in the morning and another busing company drops him off in the afternoon). I’m adjusting to having someone else living in the house with me and all the running around foster parenting requires (therapy, visits, training, medical appointments, etc.). I met the kids mom last week (we sort of met the very first weekend I had him in respite, but it was a “hi” and “bye” kind of situation) and she asked me if I would be ok with him having visits on the weekends. I told her that was not my decision to make, but that I would be fine with transporting him to and from the visit once CHOR rubber-stamped the idea. The case worker nixed the weekend visits (well, technically the county did) much to the kids consternation. He was hoping to go home soon as his mother indicated because her other son (his older brother) is back with her. I have no idea of the validity of this declaration from his mother and the CHOR case worker gave me no indication of how soon or long or anything concerning timing or his length of stay. Is it groundhog’s day? I feel like I’ve done this before……

 

I get the sense that the kid really just wants me and his mom to be bff’s. I know during foster care training they mention that many times kids feel bad or guilty when they like spending time with their foster parents because they feel like they are being disloyal to their biological parents. I think this is his way of rectifying the situation. It’s ok to like being with me if we are friends. I always try to advocate doing what is best for the children in every situation, so I would be willing to try to get to know his mother. I’ve met her twice and find her to be a nice woman (although one does get the sense that she comes with a lot of baggage). The only other biological family I’ve worked with was the mother and grandmother of the last kiddos living with me and I was not about to become their bosom buddy. Still, I suppose I could give it a try. Perhaps I am inspired by this article - although I am not adopting this kid. Still, if the grown-ups in a child’s life can get along, I’m sure it’s a better deal for the kid. And it’s no skin off my back to be nice to his mother, she’s had no complaints towards me, in fact she told me when we met that she is glad he moved in with me. Like so many things, I take it one day at a time.

 

I know when I agreed to take this kid in there was talk of the county continuing to look for another foster home for him, but already I get the sense that this is not the case. The CHOR case worker has to visit us weekly for 4 weeks because he is a “new” placement with me – even though he had been coming on weekends for 2 months. She made no mention of the county still looking to place him somewhere else or that  I was just “holding” him. I think I’ve been duped. But, didn’t I suspect this was the case when I decided to take him in? I knew there would be consequences but I also knew I made the right decision. Now I need to decide to not complain about the decision I made. I know I was led by God to take this kid in (how else would you explain the circumstances?) so I must also believe He has a good reason for it. I don’t know what that might be and chances are, like the last kids I felt led to take in, it might not be for me. For the longest time my fervent prayer has been for a baby, for my baby. I would groan in my spirit and every breath would be more pleading for a baby. I feel like lately God has asked me to stop that. He has asked me to trust Him, to trust He has heard my prayer and if I just do what He has asked me to do (care for this kid to the best of my ability) then He will be sure to take care of me. No more begging. And no whining either. We all know I’m a complainer, so that part will be hard. I was telling God this morning that this journey has been so long and I felt like He was telling me, “I don’t want to hear it because it’s not over yet.” It’s best to make the most of what I have and be grateful for it. This kid is supposed to be here. I don’t know why and I don’t know for how long. He’s just supposed to be here, in my house and in my life. Period.

 

In other news, Montana and I are over. He told me the week before Valentine’s Day that he was going to help his best friend move to Florida. He left on Valentine’s Day and was supposed to be gone a week, which turned into two weeks. He came back the last Friday in February and made no mention of seeing me at all last week. So, I invited him to go to the movies this past Saturday. That’s when he told me he was going to the mountains with his cousins visiting from Missouri. And that’s when I got pissed. I was patient when we first started talking and he was working in Montana. I was patient when he extended his stay an extra 6 weeks. I was patient when we saw one another infrequently over the holiday season. I was patient when he up and left for Florida. But, my patience had run out. Do you or do you not want to spend time with me? Basically, he told me this was as good as it was going to get, that he was “busy” and his family time was very important to him. Whoa, back up the train here pal! First of all, I too am busy but I can make time. Two, my family is also important to me (I just don’t happen to have cousins in every state of the union and celebrate every tiny occasion with them three times a week!!!). And why, might I ask, are these two things mutually exclusive? I’m in no rush here, but couldn’t you invite me along to your family gatherings? I mean, your younger siblings have their husbands, wives, significant others along, so why not me? To me he was saying, “you are not important enough to warrant my time” and I put up with that for YEARS with Flaco. I’m not willing to do that again. I can’t have a relationship via text messaging. If you don’t want to spend time with me, if I’m not good enough to meet your family, that’s fine, I’m out. Peace. I questioned if having a relationship was a priority to him and he said it was – well, actions speak louder than words mon ami. He wanted to blame it on the foster kid, which also pissed me off. He purported being so “supportive” of me being a foster parent, yet the second I get a full-time kid he’s running chicken shit for the hills. Please! Plus, this kid just moved in with me but this issue has been going on longer than that (and I have mentioned to him before that I wanted to see him more often – is that too much to ask?). It’s maddening, really. But, I mentioned in previous posts that I wasn’t all that into him, we were missing a spark and all that, so I’m not terribly broken up about it. I know I deserve better and so I won’t settle until I find better. That’s all there is to it! People ask why I don’t “find someone” and then adopt – this is why. Montana was perfect on paper but turned out to be such a dud. He wanted a girlfriend around for when there were no other better offers on the table, he could swing on by. Who would put up with that? He mentioned that “this” always happens with the women he dates. Well, duh! They always question his commitment to them when his family always, always, always takes precedence and no concession is made to include the girlfriend. Idiot! If you know this is the issue then why don’t you do something to fix it? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity, and dude, you are the poster boy there! He wanted to be friends, but I doubt he will have time. I know I sure don’t!