Graveyard of my Dreams

Last night I worked on getting all the baby things moved out of the extra bedroom. I cried as I tucked the tiny baby clothes back into the storage bins under my bed, packed the cloth diapers into shopping bags and lugged them into the basement to join all the other baby paraphernalia. The children’s books I stacked in a box, the bedding I folded into bags, the crib mattress I covered in a large trash bag and moved to the basement. The crib remains intact but devoid of any drapery or bedding, it’s bare skeleton bringing tears to my eyes as I imagine disassembling it and lugging piece by piece to the dark depths of the basement, putting it to rest like my dreams of motherhood. I’m over-dramatic, I know. But, as I began the task of de-babying the room, I felt the loss of the Christmas miracle baby so poignantly. I remembered that feeling of sheer joy when I thought he would be mine and I felt the crushing blow of losing him to his aunt. I thought of the last baby to have slept in that bed and how much I loved him and miss him and how nearly every time I see my parents our conversation turns to him and how we all miss him (I miss his sister too and I think of her a lot, but in the end as she spent so much more time with her relative, we didn’t have the same relationship as I did with the little guy). I thought of the first baby I had, the first one to capture my heart and then the unimaginable heartache that occurred. And I cried for me too, for the pain this journey has brought me, for the losses I have endured, and for the last fleeting remnants of hope lying tattered deep in my soul. I expressed it this way to Montana – imagine the worst thing that ever happened to you and then imagine it happening over and over and over again for 5 long years. By the end of the night I felt drained, emotionally void and running on autopilot. I don’t regret my decision but I do lament the twist this development has taken and what it means to my goal. I know I made the right decision but sometimes making the right decision is painful. As always, my dream dances just out of my grasp, teasing me with how close it is and yet how far away, intangible and unattainable.

 

This morning I left my house early so I could stop by the school to get the paperwork to get the kid enrolled in school in my district, since that’s different from where he is now. I spoke with the helpful secretary about an after school program and busing to and from school and felt like I had everything worked out. I called the case worker and left her a message telling her what I was able to accomplish and what I would need from her to complete the process. She called me back to tell me the county worked out a deal with his current school to allow him to continue with them but live with me in a different district and they would even provide transportation to and from my house. Dang! This is one lucky kid because not only does he get to move in with me, as he wanted, but he can stay in his same school, as he was hoping. I’m happy for him, the school he is in now is much better than where I would be sending him. The only glitch is finding a place for him to stay for an hour after school before I get home. The case worker is going to try to find another foster home to keep him for that time or we can try to work something else out (not sure what). Tonight, after my beekeeper’s class, I plan to strip his bed and put on new, clean sheets. Unfortunately, all the sheets I have are girly, pink and purple with flowers and whatnot. I made sure to empty the dresser in his room, so he can store his clothes there. I will need him to help me move the drawers that are one side of the crib because they are bulky and the only way to get them in the basement is to take them outside, down the back steps and down the basement steps. The inside basement steps have a curve to them that the drawers won’t fit around. I guess we will do that this weekend. And then the transformation will be complete. The room will contain no items for a baby at all. My hope is that soon I will be lugging all these things back upstairs for my baby, but I guess I will have to wait and see. For now, my basement is the graveyard of my baby dreams…….