Holding

He hugged me when I told him and nearly cried, which made me teary eyed. I didn’t want to tell him (because I wasn’t sure if I should or not) but when we got home Friday night I couldn’t keep it in. He was getting himself worked up about the new home where he was going and worried that his new foster family would be “wratched” his made up word for all things awful. So, I told him he was coming to stay with me because the county hadn’t found him another foster home and the only option left was a shelter or group home. I told him I couldn’t let him go to a shelter when there was an empty bed in my house. He was so excited it was all he could talk about all weekend long. I swore him to secrecy because I didn’t want to get in trouble for letting the cat out of the bag. When his foster mom came to get him she told me that as far as she knew, she was dropping him off on Friday and “someone” would need to come get him on Sunday because Friday was her last day. I told her he was coming to stay with me because I was “holding” him until they could find another home. He text me later Sunday night to tell me his foster mom told him he was coming to stay with me. I did warn him this was temporary, but he’s a teenager so he only hears what he wants to hear.

 

So, I have this week of freedom before I’m back to playing the role of “Mom” full time. I have to figure out what middle school he will be going to and what afterschool program he can join. And I have to disassemble the crib and move it back to the basement to give him more space in the bedroom. I’m finding it hard to convince myself to take the crib apart, probably because it symbolizes no baby in my immediate future. I will have to store the cloth diapers somewhere and move the car seat and bassinet back to the basement shrouded in black trash bags to keep the dust at bay. After the whole Christmas miracle baby debacle, I just could not bring myself to put the ready car seat and bassinet back in the basement. I never even unpacked the diaper bag. The drawers connected to the crib still hold the baby clothing I lovingly washed and folded. I was in no hurry to put all these things back into storage because I felt, for some odd reason, letting them out might bring a baby to me, like a ship drawn in by the Sirens song. My mind works in strange ways, I guess. So, tucking this all away, even temporarily, seems like an insurmountably difficult task. But, the decision has been made, there is no turning back now. Montana suggested God would bless me for being unselfish and kind in taking this kid in despite the ramifications towards my goal. Perhaps. I did it because it was the right thing to do and I am sure plenty of other people would do the same if they found themselves in my shoes. How could you not? For the life of me, I cannot understand what the draw is to my home. It is small and unexciting in my opinion. And, with no car and lots of snow, we haven’t been doing all that many fun things outside of the house either. The weekends I am fairly laid back and don’t really stick to a schedule, other than church Sunday mornings, but during the week I’m a different animal entirely. I’m sure we’ll work it out and hey, it’s just a temporary situation, right?

 

Saturday night I had a dream. I dreamt that the county was so happy I took this kid in that they decided to give me a legal risk placement too – twin baby girls. And because I was so successful with the three they gave me the toddler boy I had last year (oh, how I wish!). So I had four kids total. And since I got my adoption placement, I told the county they didn’t have to move the older kid. It was an insane dream and I’m pretty sure the house in my dream was much larger than the one I have right now. Oddly enough, I did have a baby in the house Sunday afternoon. We didn’t make it to church because the car my friends let us use had a dead battery. Ugh! I’m the grim reaper of cars! That same couple called me later in the day to see if I could watch their little girl (my church baby) while they got their taxes done. So me and the kiddo entertained their 18 month old daughter for a few hours and he took pride in making her laugh. She had fun poking the cat and following the dog around the house. And then both the kids left at the same time and my house felt so empty and quiet. Hopefully someday soon, it won’t be like that, my door will no longer be a revolving door pushing kids in and out and the only quiet is when everyone is asleep. It’s strange how easy it is to forget the time when I had little kids in my house and my free time was spent matching socks and washing diapers. I wish for those days to return…….