No again

Well, it’s been a week since the last call for a placement and I got a call late this afternoon letting me know it's not gonna happen. They found a home to take all 4 girls. The case worker said she was sorry to have to tell me no again. At least she acknowledged how sucky this process is..... 

 

It snowed, we shoveled out. It snowed again and we shoveled out again. Now it’s supposed to warm up and rain. And people think the snow will be gone. Hardly. I was out of work for 5 days straight – Thursday for the snow storm, Friday because no buses were running after the snow storm (and the people who take me to work were off) and then the weekend plus President’s Day. At least I had the kid with me for the weekend and President’s Day. He came Friday afternoon. Neighbors I go to church with lent me their car for Saturday and Sunday so we could go grocery shopping and run some other errands. But, it was snowing and I didn’t want to be out and about in someone else’s car. After church we had to take the car to get a plunger because the toilet got clogged somehow. At least I was able to fix it. My car has still not been fixed and I just keep grinding my teeth and accepting the kind offerings of friends willing to share their vehicles on the weekends and co-workers kind enough to take me to and from work. Last Wednesday night I went to my first beekeeping class. My cell phone battery was dead (I effing HATE this phone for that reason) and I was driving my grandparents car (I have a car charger converter but it was in my car, not with me – a problem I rectified). I had no idea where I was going and got so lost. I was late to the meeting, which stressed me out even more. And then, as the snow began to fall, I got lost on my way home. It was so stressful I am dreading going back to the class! I don’t have anxiety about many things, but getting lost is one of them. I know that seems silly, since I’ve spent time in foreign countries and managed to bumble my way around using public transportation and my own two feet, but when it is dark and you are trying to read directions while driving a car that isn’t yours, well it’s the perfect storm for “getting lost” anxiety. I lost count of how many times I turned around and wept most of the way there and home. I won’t let this stop me because the class was very informative (even if I couldn’t enjoy it due to the anxiety and arriving late), but I kind of dread it. When I signed up for the class last month I worried about having a placement before the classes ended (they are supposed to be every other Wednesday through March but the first class was changed to last week due to inclement weather). Now, I just worry about getting there and back.

 

So, the kid should be back again this coming weekend. He told me last week that his (bio) mom told him CHOR found a new family for him. But, when I talked to the foster mom yesterday, she didn’t seem to indicate that there was a family willing to take him in and that her 30 days was up on the 28^th and she was unwilling to keep him any longer than that time. It’s so hard when a kid doesn’t fit into a family and needs to be moved because once that decision has been made, it seems like the kid goes into over-drive acting up. At least that is my experience. For me, this kid is no problem at all. But, since I only have him on the weekends and put no demands on him (like doing his homework or doing chores), it’s pretty much whatever we decide to do. If this were a permanent situation, it would be different. I know that’s still what he wants. We’ve talked about it and he understands why that cannot be, but he still thinks he will be coming to my house every weekend. If I ever get a placement, he won’t be able to come (unless I get just one child and it’s a boy). And I’m sure once they move him, they (CHOR and the new foster family) will expect him to fit into the new family and spend time with them. He knows he is always welcome with me and I think that really matters to him, knowing he can reach out to me whenever he likes. As he gets more comfortable with me, he’s been more affectionate, sometimes laying his head on my shoulder or giving me a light squeeze. With little ones, I have no problem getting and giving hugs and kisses – in fact I enjoy that every much. With older kids, especially the opposite sex, I’m a little leery. It’s not that I don’t want to be affectionate, but being single and only the two of us in the house, I worry about allegations (which I probably wouldn’t worry about if not for the trainings we get about avoiding allegations). I don’t discourage his affection because it’s all been appropriate, but it bothers me. It bothers me that I don’t feel like I can truly treat him like I think I would treat a teenage son (egad!) and then it bothers me that it bothers me. Hugs can be a great thing when you feel like you really need a good one. I’m a grown up and I still really appreciate a nice bear hug from my dad. It’s reassuring and comforting – a hug means you truly belong. When the kid came over on Friday he told me he was supposed to be with his mom for the weekend, but he was worried about leaving me alone on Valentine’s Day (and the county did not have time to check out his mother’s place, so he couldn’t go anyway). I had mentioned that Montana would not be around for Valentine’s Day and that this made up holiday was one I despise because it was the day Flaco decided to leave (it’s been 2 years now, can you believe that? It feels a lot longer to me). He was worried about me being alone and anti-Valentine.  Bless his little heart! He has grown up having to take care of his mother, rather than the other way around, and now he feels like he needs to take care of me too! I told him I was fine and there was no need to worry about me. We did walk to the local diner for dinner on Friday. He was talking to his girlfriend via text and she was mentioning things I would never have dreamed of talking about when I was her age! Things like, guessing the size of her boyfriend’s penis, wondering what sex would feel like, how “they” would start, what would he do if she got pregnant. Really?! I think of myself as a realist and I don’t think things should be hidden from children, like they’re blind and stupid. But, I am also not equipped for the birds and bees talk! Especially with a boy!! Geeze Louise! Still, I asked him if he ever had this conversation with an adult and he said no. So I told him he needed to talk to a grown-up he trusted to get a real understanding before jumping into anything. I didn’t want to be preachy but for the love! They can’t even drive but they are talking about sex?! I mourn the loss of innocence in children these days! We talked a little bit about the things his girlfriend pondered on our walk back home and then let the subject drop, much to my relief.

 

At church on Sunday, I was the one opening the service with a reading from Scripture, prayer, prayer for the offering and a reminder for up-coming events. It was my friends turn to teach Sunday school, but her little girl fell asleep during worship. Since her husband was putting away the computer and projector we use to follow along to the worship songs, I took her baby and held her while she slept. And she slept through the whole service. I cuddled her as she lay on my left shoulder and every now and then I would reach up and stroke her curls, pat her back, or rub her soft cheek. As I hugged her to me and enjoyed our snuggle, I thought “this is all that I want” – just a sweet baby asleep on my chest. It might seem silly, but these little moments give me some hope. These little moments of mothering a child soothe my damaged heart and remind me that I am not wholly unworthy of motherhood, I have some use in that realm. I could have sat and held her forever but after the service her dad wanted to wake her up and it was back to reality. The reality of waiting and hoping and praying and wondering if “it” will ever truly happen for me. It’s silly, but every Monday I check my work calendar to see what day it would be a good day to get a placement and not miss out on anything too important at work. It has been 140 days since the kids left me in October and I’m still waiting. It feels like an eternity. The prospects of getting a placement to actually adopt seems like such a nebulous dream, completely intangible and unattainable. Thinking, “oh this time would be perfect”, or “this time would be ideal” to get a placement is nothing but hopeful torture. And yet, thoughts of babies or the call for a placements is never far from my mind. Maybe it should be. Maybe I should, after 5 years, really consider revamping my entire psyche to not think so much about “getting” a baby. Isn’t that what people admonish when they hear about someone struggling with infertility? Just stop trying and it will happen? I know I’ve heard that before. But, I am consumed with baby fever and I cannot extract this desire because it has become a part of me, it is woven into the very fibers of my being. There is only one cure for my case and that is to get my baby……..