For the Grace of God

Life is very strange sometimes. Yesterday after work I went to CHOR to pick the kid up because he had a visit with his mom and older brother. I sat in the waiting room for a few minutes before the three of them walked in together, escorted by a staff member since the visits are supervised. I had met his mom before on a few occasions, but usually I was sitting in the car and she was outside; this time we met face to face. We chatted a few minutes and the kids mom reiterated she was glad he was with me because he seemed content. He showed them silly selfies we took on my phone and his brother made inappropriate sexual comments regarding the kids girlfriend (enter eye roll here – but, it is also indicative of something a little more sinister because there seems to be this pressure on the kid to become sexually active, like his older brother. I find it troubling and think I will need to bring it up to his case worker.). His brother does not have a filter, whatever is in his head comes out his mouth. At one point the kid laid his head on my shoulder (something he does a lot) which made me feel uncomfortable in front of his mom. We walked outside together and the kid asked if I could take his mom and brother home, since it would be a long walk halfway across town. I agreed and we all piled in the car to drive them home. At one point the kid demanded his mom and I converse in Spanish, just to prove I could. Finally, after a conversation about me being able to evade getting in trouble with cops because I’m white, we pulled over to drop them off. As we were pulling away the kid commented, “I’m glad you and my mom can be friends because if I ever do get to go back with her we can all hang out and I can still see you.” What? First, let me address the “if” in that statement. I haven’t had that many older kids in foster care, but the ones I have interacted with almost always spoke of going home as a “when” and not an “if.” The pre-teen I had a few years ago would pepper her comments with a “if I’m still here” meaning in foster care. Not this guy. He speaks of the future as if his time in foster care is indefinite. I don’t know if this is a self-preservation effort to guard against the bad news that going home won’t happen as quickly as he had hoped or if he is unaware of the vocabulary he chooses when speaking of the future, but it’s different in my experience. I don’t question him on it. His desire and assumption that his mother and I could and should be friends is a little more problematic. I don’t dislike his mother, quite the opposite in fact, but we have chosen radically different paths for our lives. His mother couldn’t believe that she and I were the same age (nor could I believe it because I certainly don’t think I’m old enough to be his mother let alone have children older than him) because she looks and acts an entire decade older than me. I don’t think life has been very kind to her, but some of that stems from the choices she has made. Regardless, the lifestyle she now lives is totally opposite from the lifestyle I am trying to live. And I don’t say that as if I am trying to look down on her – but for the grace of God, there go I. However, I get the sense that his mother and brother think of me as a goody two shoes and so no fun to be around (the song Sandra Dee from Grease comes to mind). So do I think we will be bosom buddies? No, I do not. Could we socialize on occasion and be agreeable? Yes, I think we could, certainly more so than with any other biological family of the foster kids I’ve had. This foster parenting thing makes for strange relationships.  

In other news, my dad called with an official diagnosis for my mom - she has stage 3 cancer with lymph nodes involved. They did take one lymph node out on Monday when the did a second biopsy and inserted the port for her chemo which she is expected to start next week. They will most likely also do a PET scan to see if the cancer is anywhere else in her body. It's terrible, but I'm nearly at the point where I cringe when my father calls because it seems like every time he calls me it's with worse and worse news. It's really scary. Damn scary. We need prayers for total healing.