Paying Attention

This week has been a tough week. Mostly, it’s been my own personal demons hounding me, but the little girl has also had a rough week. Due to the cold weather (and other issues, I’m sure) her bio mom has been missing quite a few visits. Since the little girl is always asking what our schedule is for every day of the week, she knows there is supposed to be a visit. When I arrive to pick her up at daycare instead of a case worker from CHOR, she gets upset knowing she won’t be having a visit. This results in a mega throw-herself-on-the-ground-and-scream temper tantrum for at least 15 minutes. Yet, it was reported to me that during the visits the little girl is generally ignored in favor of her older sister. The baby just screams for most of the visit. I noticed at one of the visits two weeks ago the bio mom looked like she was high. Now, I don’t make that statement lightly and I base it on the three years I worked as an admissions counselor in a drug and alcohol facility, but I could always be wrong. Sometimes lack of sleep or severe depression can mock the same signs of substance abuse. This past week it was more pronounced and more obvious. She was slurring her words and stumbling around like a zombie. It was so sad. Unfortunately, the case workers cannot cancel a visit just because the bio mom appears to be under the influence of something, unless she is also inappropriate with the children. They had been having visits once a week at the local library but one of the case workers told me the library asked that they only come for an hour at a time, not the allotted two hours. Our case worker confessed to me she thought the visits were detrimental to the children, especially the baby and the little girl because he screams the whole time and is clearly uncomfortable and the little girl is ignored and so she acts out behaviorally to get attention. The case worker even mentioned to the bio mom that she should spend more time trying to include the little girl in the activities she does with  the older girl, but the bio mom refused.

I was thinking about it before but now I am determined to do it – I’m going to arrange to spend some time with just me and the little girl to giver he a special time and all my attention without the boys present. She craves attention so bad is nearly oozes off her skin, so while I don’t believe an afternoon with just her and I together will “fix” things at least it will help a little bit for her to realize she is important and deserves positive attention. So now I will have to plan for once a month weekends with Primero and once a month a girly day with the little girl (she’s really not that girly, I mean a day with just us girls). I just feel bad for her because she really just wants a mommy who gives her appropriate, positive attention on a regular basis. I know she has me, but I also know she wants this from her “other mommy” (the term she uses to refer to her bio mom). The other week we were in the car driving home and it was quiet with just the radio playing softly. The little girl asked me in a small voice, “Mommy, am I your daughter?” I didn’t know how to answer her. I didn’t want to say, “well, you’re my foster daughter” because that seemed mean and I didn’t want to just say, “yes” since that’s not technically true (yet). So I asked her, “What do you think? Do you think you’re my daughter?” She said yes. “Well ok then.” And she was onto the next question, “What are we going to eat when we get home?” I was telling this story to the case worker and she suggested, if the little girl asks me again I could say something like, “well, in my heart you’re my daughter” or “I love you like you’re my daughter.” This past Monday night we were at home together sitting on the couch watching TV when the little girl said, “I don’t have a daddy. I told my friends at school I don’t have a daddy.” I asked her, “Does it makes you sad that you don’t have a daddy?” She said, “No. No because I have a foster brother Primero and I love him. I tell all my friends at school I have a foster brother.” She expresses her love to Primero more often than anyone else, so I know she really adores him. I just wish he were a little kinder to her and a little less rough with her. I know she drives him nuts, but so did my little sister when we were growing up. Then we were best friends when we were teenagers. Maybe they will be friends when she is a little older, who knows?

I think I’ve settled down a little with my woe-is-me pity party. I’ve (once again) come to terms with things as they are and not how I want them to be. I just reminded myself to count my blessings and not look at all the troublesome things surrounding me. And, I realized I can only be responsible for my own actions and reactions. I was so stressing about Primero and his girlfriend becoming sexually intimate (she’s already experienced and has had two miscarriages from her previous boyfriend) and even more freaked out when Primero told me his two gay friends at the after school program had a three-some with another boy (OMG!!! They are just CHILDREN! What is wrong with this world? Where were their parents while this was happening?!). But, even if I’m still pretty freaked out by things, I can only offer Primero advise and try to guide him to make good decisions for his life. Do I still think he’s too young? Oh hells yeah I do! Do I really wish he’s wait or that he believed in waiting until marriage? Yes, I do. But, I haven’t been instilling in him these past 15 years the moral guidelines I hope he would follow. I’ve been trying to instill these values in him for just a year now and I’m fighting against all the other (poor) examples he’s lived with and finds acceptable. He didn’t see an problem with a three-some. I can only love him for who he is and be there for him to help pick up the pieces if/when he makes a poor decision. I guess that’s called learning to let go. I really suck at it. But, for my own peace of mind, I need to learn to offer advice then step back and let him make his choice. And pray. Pray a whole lot. For me as much as for him. It sounds petty and stupid, but the thought of him getting some action while I’m desperate and celibate, well it kinda makes me a tiny, little hair jealous. Which is so ridiculous! But, like everyone else, I’m a work-in-progress so I have to just keep on keeping on.

How do I See my Future?

How do I see my future?

Honestly, I have a hard time envisioning myself in a marriage again, yet at the same time this is what I desire. I am lonely and sad and I don’t feel like a woman; I’m a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a co-worker but I feel asexual at this point. Any desires I have (and sometimes they are flaming hot) must be repressed because auto-stimulation is no longer doing the trick. I want a lover, a fixer-of-things, a hugger, a helper, a partner. So what is he like? Well, I’ve talked to my share of men through on-line dating and most of them fall into one of three categories – too needy, too eager, too boring. Then there are the freaks with strange fetishes or life-styles that I simply abhor. So, where is my Prince Charming? Does he even exist? For too long I’ve tried dating with pathetic half-assed attempts. My heart just wasn’t in it. My most successful endeavor was lukewarm at best and ended when he consistently chose spending time with his younger siblings and extended family over me (I was never invited to attend the gatherings). Currently I’ve been speaking to three men and each one fits into the above category – one is so needy it makes me cringe, the second is too eager and an insatiable nympho, and the third is so boring I wanted to run screaming from our only date because I spent the entire time talking and trying to get him to talk. He started to open up after 3 glasses of wine but by that time I needed to leave to pick up a kid and he made me late by sluggishly finishing his glass of wine and paying the bill. I almost walked out, to leave him to his wine.

So, where do I go from here? I loathe online dating, but I ask – what else is there? I don’t have the time to go traipsing around town in the hopes of bumping into a nice, single, non-needy, not too eager, not boring guy. Am I doomed to a life of perpetual sexual tension and longing for someone to kiss good-night? While I might not have been serious in the past, I am serious now. I view my state of loneliness as poor self-care; just like brushing your teeth and eating a healthy diet, taking care of emotions is important for an over-all healthy being. One could argue I’m lacking in my self-care in more than one way, since I haven’t really been taking care to eat right and exercise either. But, while I need to work on that, this emotional lacking is truly stripping me of a lot of energy. I minister to the children, my family, my friends and customers at work but there isn’t anyone helping me. I’m reaching burn-out stage and that’s not a good thing. What can I do? Delve back into online dating, trying yet another different program? Isn’t insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different results? But, if I sit back on my laurels just expecting Mr. Right to appear I will be waiting a very long time. I need to take action, but what is the best action to take? Should I try speed dating (if such a thing exists in my area)? Should I contact friends to see if they know any single, compatible guys they could set me up with? I don’t want to come off as desperate, even if that is sort of how I feel right now. I find myself pathetic, if you must know the truth. There are plenty of people living fulfilling lives as singles. I know of three wonderful women who are living single and have done so for many years. Two of them are very good friends of mine, I cherish them as witty, loving, special friends. They were both married in the past and have grown sons (they’re a great deal older than me) and they seem very happy in their lives.

I want be ok alone. And I have been for three years now. Wow, three years! But, something has changed and my desire to have intimacy has kicked into high gear. I’m devoted to the children and so any action I take will have to be to their benefit. Still, I can’t help but think I would be a better mother if I was able to take some time and find a mate (I’m not saying I want to get married tomorrow, but perhaps in the future?). Maybe it’s because my sister is engaged and I dread being the older, divorced sister with a slew of kids at her wedding. Maybe it’s because I just had a very lengthy conversation with the teen about losing his virginity and perhaps waiting until he’s a bit older (I know, I was practically a senior citizen when I had sex for the first time, but I just think that 15 is too young). Regardless of the reason why, I have been in a funk about all of this for the month of February (which just so happens to coincide with the third anniversary of the end of my marriage), so I think something needs to be done.   

My personal issues have been compounded by a teenager eager to lose his virginity. I’ve been frank and honest with him in answering questions and in suggesting he wait. In my personal opinion, he is just too young and while is mature for his age, I don’t think he’s mature enough for the responsibilities that come with being sexually active. It’s hard to have to try to instill certain values in a child who simply doesn’t see things the same way I do (based on the example of adult relationships he’s witnessed in his life). And, it is dually difficult having these discussions while remaining celibate. Nothing like fanning the flames while explaining how sex works and addressing fears of being a “minute man” or not being able to get it up due to also being attracted to young men. Life is forever a struggle and these past few weeks have been tough. I pray a little Spring sunshine will come soon to wash away these winter blues. I pray for strength to continue to endure whatever comes my way.

Frustrated

I’m frustrated. Frustrated to near tears in fact. You see, Primero has not spent one single night in respite in the year he’s lived with me (yes, it will be a year on Saturday) so today was the very first time I ask to have him in respite overnight and it’s a no-go. The place he’s going will keep him Friday night until 10, but no longer. When all I wanted was one night, just one night to not have to rush back and pick him up after the bible study. One night where I could poke around and take my sweet old time. But no. Seriously, I feel like sobbing.

 The little ones will be in respite Friday through Sunday. Primero had grandiose plans to celebrate our year together by doing the things we had done when it was just the two of us. But, then he found out he’s going to be in various programming for black history month with the after school program and frankly, it’s ruined the whole thing in my opinion. I just don’t want to go and sit through this program and I don’t want it to interrupt a day in which we could be doing all kinds of things. But, whatever. Nothing in life goes as I had planned, why should this?

Allegations from the Past

So, the new therapy for the little girl started on Saturday. And it was one hot stinking mess! We got there just in the nick of time and were asked for her SS card (this is not given to foster parents, not ever), her insurance card, the court order for her being in my care and my ID. I had exactly none of those things. We were in a hurry, so I left my purse, which contains most of the items they requested, in the car. While I tried to explain this, I was told they could not see the child, I would have to pay out-of-pocket and then the director and one of the intake secretaries had a conversation in Spanish in front of me, not knowing I understood them. They also kept confusing my foster daughter with her older sister, who had not arrived. I sent Primero to the car for the items I had (all but the Social Security card) and when I gave it to them, they were disinterested in it. The case worker insisted she told me to bring these items (she did not – I took notes during our conversation and made no note of needing any of those things requested). We were then left to wait. The family advocate for the mother was there and helped guide things along and explain things to me. She took the little girl upstairs and then came back and said the bio mom was refusing to stay the entire time, stating she had another appointment. She ended up staying, as did Primero, the baby and I. The other foster mom left and came back. She was anxious to leave because it had started to snow and she was taking the sister to her new foster home (so she moved after all). Bio mom explained that grandmother’s wife was having some health issues and that is why she didn’t return my call. I wonder what this means for the sister? Grandmother had presented for the sister, but if her significant other is having major health issues it might not work out. I wish her wife a speedy recovery. These therapy sessions are going to be every Saturday morning for an hour and a half – bleck! At least we have this Saturday off.

At therapy last night Primero was asked to complete a trauma assessment, something all the clients are asked to do (I had to do one for the little girl at her therapy session on Friday). Based on his answer to one question, a call was made to the child line to report an incident that happened several years ago. Primero was upset that his therapist had to report this and is refusing to talk anymore about it. Someone from CYS has to see him in the next 24 hours because it was determined an investigation should be started. Primero is most upset that they are going to question his bio mom regarding the incident because he never told her it happened. He didn’t (and still doesn’t) want her to get upset and depressed about it, calling herself a “bad” mother. I see it as her taking over the situation for the attention to be on her, rather than Primero, but that’s just me. Certainly there are things that all mothers do that they wish they hadn’t done – we’re human. The point right now, is to help Primero deal with what happened to him so he can over-come it and move forward in his life. Guilt-tripping isn’t going to solve anything and only adds to the anguish the kid already feels. I wish someone could tell her that in a nice way that makes sense. But, as I see it, it’s all about her. My heart breaks for Primero and what he endured. I wish I could reach back in time and scoop that little boy right out of that situation and into my arms, so he never felt so scared or hurt. But, that’s just not how life goes, now is it? And, I guess it’s his past pain that makes him the awesome kid he is today – the pain has taught him to have compassion for the suffering of others. Still, he is being forced to re-live something he doesn’t want to remember or dwell on and he’s now forced to tell his story again (he told his therapist and me). I hope and pray he can find peace in all of this and perhaps make peace with the incident that happened (he claims he’s totally over it, but yet it keeps popping up in how he interacts with certain people).

I spoke briefly with Hermano via Facebook messenger and he said he was going to talk to his case worker about being moved again. That’s all he said. He’s not been interested in maintaining contact. I keep trying to stay involved as a way to show support but I’m beginning to wonder why. Primero has not been maintaining contact with his brother and isn’t concerned about his latest drama, so why should I worry myself about it? I guess I just don’t want him to feel like I don’t care when I do, I do care. I pray for guidance in how to proceed. One thing is for certain – life as a foster mom is never boring!

Beautiful Moments

So the bio mom is supposed to start PCIT (Parent-Child Interaction Therapy) classes with the two girls this Saturday. This was a decision made at the last court hearing. I was supposed to get a call from the medical facility providing the classes because apparently I have to be there for the first few minutes of the first 5 classes. Oh boy! This means that the baby and Primero will have to entertain themselves while I observe the class (luckily, Primero is good at entertaining the baby, so this shouldn’t be a problem), since they are not involved. From a cursory google search, this seems like a good thing for the girls and their bio mom to be doing – it might even be a good thing for me and the grandmother (or whoever will end up taking care of the older sister – my understanding is that the 30 days from the 30 day notice was up yesterday, but the same foster mom was at the visit Tuesday night, so I don’t know, maybe they rescinded the 30 days’ notice….) to attend similar trainings to help the girls. I think the classes would be helpful because my understanding is that the visits are not great with the girls and their bio mom and I know the little one I have has expressed a lot of anger towards her bio mom. When I finally spoke with the treatment coordinator, she said that bio mom was not really interested in the therapy, she was just looking for reunification, and she refused to have either foster mom present for the therapy. So, now I just have to drag three kids into town for an hour long therapy session. I’m not so anxious about losing some of my Saturday mornings to these classes, but that cannot be helped. I don’t know how long they are supposed to last, but it’s part and parcel for the foster care system.

In other news, Hermano’s previous foster mom called me two nights ago. She said Hermano had called her asking if he could come back to her house and she was trying to get in touch with him but his phone wasn’t working. Oddly enough, I had sent him a message on Facebook messenger earlier in the day just letting him know I was thinking about him and wanted to be sure he was getting settled. I sent him another message letting him know his foster mom had contacted me and he responded that his phone had been shut off but he would text her when he could. I asked again if he was ok and offered to help in any way  I could. He had not been in contact with me or Primero for some time. He did end up talking to me a bit through messenger, stating he needed a job. I offered to help, since my day job is helping people who are looking for work. I offered some advice and suggestions on job hunting and places for a teenager to go. Honestly, I don’t see him as being too driven or overly motivated. I don’t know that I would hire him or fear he wouldn’t want to put forth the effort or that he would just get bored with “work” and move on. Still, I feel bad for him, but he made the choice to move back to town to be closer to his “family.” From what it sounds like from his previous foster mother, he will most likely not be permitted to return to her because it seems her agency is washing their hands of him due to the trouble he caused. His saga continues.

I wish I could show pictures of some of the beautiful moments in my life, moments that are etched indelibly in my mind’s eye. Moments like when Primero is stooped over the baby and he reaches up with both hands, one on either cheek, and he smiles as they stare at one another their noses inches away. It makes my heart melt to see them together this way. I love when the baby wakes up on the weekend and he’s not crying but just lying in his bassinet cooing to himself quietly until I can’t stand the cuteness and have to get up and cuddle with him (he really needs to start sleeping in the crib Primero and I put together in the little girl’s room, but it’s so hard to think he’d be so far away that I wouldn’t hear his sweet little morning babbles). And I just love when he cuddles with me. When I pick him up and old him and he just lays his head on my shoulder, his little arm around my neck and we just “be” together. I love when the little girl climbs on my lap to watch TV and snuggle together. I love when she insists we pray together at night before she goes to bed, after reading her book. Her sassiness is something that I both love and hate because it makes me laugh but also makes her defiant. I struggle the most with the little girl and this is partly because the boys take up so much of my time in one form or another. I had the revelation today that I should plan a girls day out with just me and the little girl (and maybe a friend). We could paint our nails, go to lunch, and maybe the playground. She’s too little to do the grown up girl things, like shop and pedicures, so I need to really think this through so she has fun but also so we can bond a little more over the activities. Primero demands he and I do this once a month, so I think I should do the same for the little girl. The baby gets plenty of my attention, so at this point I don’t think he needs a whole day with me by himself. I know growing up, my parents would take each of us out with just the two of them when it was our birthday’s. It was a way to make us feel special, to celebrate our birthdays, but also to have alone time with all mom and dad’s attention on us, even if it was just for a few hours. I really liked that tradition and I would like to start that with these kids, especially since they only have one parent (well, one foster/adoptive parent).

The struggles I have (other than my less-than stellar housekeeping) are mornings, getting up and getting us out the door on time is a daily battle, and picking Primero up after his evening Glee/Pride programs three days a week. The baby is sleeping better, so you would think I could manage to get my tuckus up in time to have breakfast and get myself and the two little ones ready to go. But, I’m such a night owl that I don’t always go to bed when I should and then I’m lethargic in the morning and hit the snooze button a few too many times. I feel like this will be a life-long battle for me – I mean let’s be honest here, even without kids I’m rushing out the door to get to work on time. I’m just not a morning person and I take too long to get ready. If only I could win the lottery and skip mornings all together! The issue of having to pick Primero up at night is two-fold; one, I hate leaving my house again after getting home and doing the evening chores and getting settled and two, it’s a bother for the little girl since she doesn’t get to bed as early as she should. And poor Primero, I lose my mind if he’s not out the door and in the car on time (like Tuesday, when I waited in the car an hour as the kids had a visit, then went to training, waited in the car again with two kids for another 45 minutes and he came out 8 minutes late – I was livid!). I need to get a better attitude about it because he loves these programs and they are good for him (I think, although I worry that they take so much of his time and energy that he refuses to devote to his schoolwork…). Still, it sucks having to traipse out in the freezing cold with two kids three nights a week. It’s one of those moments when I wish I had a partner to do some of the leg work. I seriously doubt that will happen. But, let’s leave that pity part for another time, eh?   

TPR Scheduled

The case worker sent me an email today stating the TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) hearing for Primero is scheduled for the end of March, not February as the county had hoped. Still, it’s a good thing to know TPR will be occurring soon because that means his adoption is just around the corner. I don’t really know what all needs to be done between now and then, but we are both anxious to finally get to the adoption day and beyond. Some days it’s still hard for me to believe this is actually happening. For most of the time he’s lived with me we have been talking about adoption to the point where I feel like it’s more of a dream than a reality. This process has dragged on since I was initially asked to “take custody” of Primero last year the beginning of May. It’s crazy to think it takes a whole year to for the adoption to finally become a reality. I don’t know if the TPR date pushes things back for the adoption, I’m still hoping for it to happen in May, but I certainly won’t hold my breath. When I told Primero that the TPR hearing had been set he was excited for the eventual adoption date, which made me glad. I don’t know if his worries have been sufficiently squelched, but he seems to be fully back on board with the adoption.

As a follow up to the information I posted last week, Primero’s bio mom had commented on his Facebook wall regarding the story he had written and sent to her to read. At the end of her comment she stated, “[My Name] you have done a great job with him. I’m so grateful to have you a part of him.” I didn’t initially see this post, so I only responded on Sunday, when I saw it. I said, “He’s an amazing kid and I’m blessed to have him in my life. His heart, his talent, and his creativity are his most beautiful qualities. I’m grateful he’s in my life too [Bio Moms Name].” I guess this is a start to building some sort of relationship for Primero’s sake. We are not friends with one another on Facebook, but I’m friends with Primero and two of his siblings, plus involvement with all but his youngest sister through other forms of social media and telephone contact. He was talking to one of his younger sisters yesterday while she was waiting for a bus back to town from NYC and he had her on speaker phone. At one point while they were talking about how they disliked that their youngest sister called her step-mom “Mommy” and his sister said something to the effect like, “Oh, not [My Name]. I consider her family because she treats you just like you’re her son.” I haven’t spent much time with this sister, not as much as his older siblings, so I’m glad she feels comfortable with her brother being with me – I think this will help Primero too as the adoption moved forward. I don’t necessarily envision we will be one big happy family, but Primero has expressed a need for his family members to be in agreement with his adoption, for he fears they will treat him differently after he’s officially my son. If he believes his family will not only treat him the same but invite me into the fold, then it will make it easier for him. I might be a little squeamish about it, but I’m sure as time goes on it will become more comfortable and like it always was this way.

 Last night the baby was lying on the floor in the living room and I had walked out of his line of sight for a minute or two. When I walked back over to him he got the biggest grin on his face and I almost started bawling. First of all, he has two little teeth on the bottom now, which makes him all the more adorable, but when he smiles his big happy smile it just melts my heart. And when he smiles like that because he sees me, I turn into a mushy, weepy puddle. He is my baby and nothing makes me happier than seeing him grin at me just for being in his presence. He is such a precious baby, even if he is still fussy at times, and I love him more than words can say. I’m so grateful I’ve had this opportunity to have him in my life and I pray we will be able to continue on as the happy family we are right now.

Best Friends with Bio Mom

Hermano’s foster mom called me yesterday to tell me that it was his last day with her. He was headed back to town as we spoke to live with a different foster family where he will no longer have his own room and he will be one of 6 (the family has 5 adopted kids). He had been waffling back and forth on Facebook and Instagram about this move, but ultimately the pull to his bio mom was too strong and he chose to be closer to her rather than think about what was better for his future. At least that’s my take on the whole scenario. I suspect he will be running away from this new foster family to somewhere else in the city, since he knows a lot of people and still talks to the old crowd. He credited his bio mom for helping to make this decision, but I don’t know that she offered the best advice. Hermano has not really spoken much to me or to Primero and he certainly hasn’t let us in on what is going on. Which is fine, I guess. I mean, if he’s moved on then that’s his prerogative. It is hard not to feel a little used, but ultimately things will work out how they’re supposed to work out, I suppose. It’s just hard to stop caring. It’s hard to watch someone you care about consistently make poor decisions for their lives. Both Primero and I had dreams last night in which Hermano just showed up in our home and tried to conceal himself from us. I don’t know if that means anything other than that he was on our minds. I don’t want to interject myself where I am not wanted, but I do want this young man to know he has an ally and somewhere he can go if he ever needs a place to stay. How do I extract myself from this situation? I don’t suppose I can, not and still be ok with myself. Unlike Hermano and even Primero to a certain extent, when I offer my love and support I don’t do it lightly and I don’t take it back if it becomes inconvenient. I promised to love and care for Hermano and I will do that without ceasing. I’m obnoxious and tenacious that way. Just look at Flaco – even after he left and treated me so poorly, I still loved that bastard until the perpetual weight of all his mistreatment finally broke me, broke my heart. Unfortunately for him, I can despise him just as passionately as I loved him. But, I digress…….

I have been feeling lately like I won’t ever find love again. I guess with the third year anniversary of Flaco leaving, which coincides with a holiday made up for romantic love (Valentine’s Day) I’m feeling the woe-is-me blues about being single. I’ve tried dating, even with the kids, but I just can’t bring back that loving feeling. I love the kids, I love my family, I love my friends but I just can’t dig deep enough to love a man. I find the men I’ve met and dated a few times to be tedious and rather annoying. I guess no one fits the mold I have in my head of the type of man I would want to be with. Yet, I feel lonely. I miss the warmth of a hug, the tingle of a kiss, the excitement of making love then falling asleep together. I almost feel like it was a different woman who was married, who had those passionate nights in bed. Hell, I don’t even know if I remember how to have sex! I guess my sister getting engaged and my mom being over-the-moon excited about her wedding has me feeling this way. Yet, I question myself if I even want to be married again. It’s not easy and now there is the added baggage of my previous relationship and the complication of the children. I want to feel excited to spend time with the man I’m seeing, not feel like it’s just one more chore, one more obligation on my schedule – which is how I’ve felt about all the men I’ve gone out with. I suppose it’s because I’m meeting them on online dating groups like Match.com and OkCupid. But, how else is a working foster mom of three supposed to meet men? Ugh, life is just too complicated!

A few nights ago Primero and I were talking and he said he hoped he would have a big house when he’s older so he can move me and his bio mom in and we could sit in front of the TV with his bio mom watching Murray and me yelling at her to get that crap off the TV. I don’t know where he got this cockamamie idea, but I suppose it’s nice to dream. I didn’t rain all over his parade, telling him I highly doubt his bio mom and I will be such good friends in our old age, but it made me pause and think. He still wants us to be friends, me and his bio mom. He wants us to have a relationship with one another, yet I don’t know that either of us are comfortable with that. I think I’m a little too straight-laced for his mom and I know she’s a little to ghetto for me. Other than him, I don’t think we have much in common. I suppose I should try to reach out to her and take the first step to a relationship, but how?

Today we were both commenting on a post he put on Facebook about an argument at school regarding if people are born gay. The conversation/argument apparently started due to Primero reading aloud a story he had written. It’s a horror story in which one of the characters was gay and dating another young man (he based this on his friends from the CFA). We both commented that he did the right thing in standing up for his story and his beliefs. In the course of the conversation I posted “Love you” with a kissy face. His bio mom immediately posted “Love you buddy.” I find it awkward. She hasn’t made any attempts to see him (not since seeing him without the county’s permission in December), does not really communicate with him on a regular basis, yet interjects herself into this Facebook conversation. How do I manage all of this? She is his past, yet she will always be present in some capacity into the future. I’m his present, trying to be his future, but I feel like my position is always tenuous. It’s hard to not see her as selfish, as wanting to keep possession of that which is hers by birth. As far as I can tell, this has been her M.O. his whole life. She plops him somewhere (like when he lived with his uncle and aunt for the first three years of his life) and then pops back up to claim him when it’s convenient. She is poison to him, as evidenced by his reaction to her release from jail the beginning of December and his doubts regarding adoption after seeing her at Christmas. I know she is and always will be his bio mom, therefore she will always have a place in his life. I just wish it were a more positive place, more supportive of the life he is trying to live right now, which is vastly different than the life he lived with her in the past. When there is distance between them, he can see it and understand, but when she’s muddling in things he gets confused and unsure. So how do I become friends with her? I don’t dislike her but I don’t understand her. She’s lived a life very different from my own. I’m no saint and I’ve done things I wish I hadn’t, but I’ve never lost total control of my life. I drank a little too much my senior year in college and when I was in the Peace Corps, but I’ve never experimented with drugs (not even pot). I’m no virgin and I’ve had more than one partner, but not nine in one week. I know this sounds judgmental, but I have moral standards that make some things “not right.” I won’t apologize for that. Sleeping with nine men in one week is wrong. Using drugs in front of your children or getting drunk in front of your children is wrong. Calling your children derogatory names, drunk or sober, is wrong. I just don’t know how to do this open adoption thing. Sometimes I just wish she would go away, but that’s being petty. I know it is important to Primero that we all get along and so I will keep trying to make that happen. But, I also have to keep adjusting my expectations because how I thought my life would be going at this point is vastly different from how things truly are in reality. I thought by 33 I’d be talking about baby number 2 or 3, living in a nice house with my husband both of us working to improve our situation, yet happy with our little family. Whew! Was that wrong! Instead, I’m a struggling single woman with three foster kids, one I’m about to adopt and I have to learn how to share him and incorporate a biological family into the mix as well. Sometimes it just seems so crushingly and overwhelmingly difficult! I guess I just have to keep putting Primero at the center of it all. What is best for him has to be best for us all. He wants to have a relationship with his bio mom and so I must find a way to do that as well. Dear God give me strength!