How do I See my Future?

How do I see my future?

Honestly, I have a hard time envisioning myself in a marriage again, yet at the same time this is what I desire. I am lonely and sad and I don’t feel like a woman; I’m a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a co-worker but I feel asexual at this point. Any desires I have (and sometimes they are flaming hot) must be repressed because auto-stimulation is no longer doing the trick. I want a lover, a fixer-of-things, a hugger, a helper, a partner. So what is he like? Well, I’ve talked to my share of men through on-line dating and most of them fall into one of three categories – too needy, too eager, too boring. Then there are the freaks with strange fetishes or life-styles that I simply abhor. So, where is my Prince Charming? Does he even exist? For too long I’ve tried dating with pathetic half-assed attempts. My heart just wasn’t in it. My most successful endeavor was lukewarm at best and ended when he consistently chose spending time with his younger siblings and extended family over me (I was never invited to attend the gatherings). Currently I’ve been speaking to three men and each one fits into the above category – one is so needy it makes me cringe, the second is too eager and an insatiable nympho, and the third is so boring I wanted to run screaming from our only date because I spent the entire time talking and trying to get him to talk. He started to open up after 3 glasses of wine but by that time I needed to leave to pick up a kid and he made me late by sluggishly finishing his glass of wine and paying the bill. I almost walked out, to leave him to his wine.

So, where do I go from here? I loathe online dating, but I ask – what else is there? I don’t have the time to go traipsing around town in the hopes of bumping into a nice, single, non-needy, not too eager, not boring guy. Am I doomed to a life of perpetual sexual tension and longing for someone to kiss good-night? While I might not have been serious in the past, I am serious now. I view my state of loneliness as poor self-care; just like brushing your teeth and eating a healthy diet, taking care of emotions is important for an over-all healthy being. One could argue I’m lacking in my self-care in more than one way, since I haven’t really been taking care to eat right and exercise either. But, while I need to work on that, this emotional lacking is truly stripping me of a lot of energy. I minister to the children, my family, my friends and customers at work but there isn’t anyone helping me. I’m reaching burn-out stage and that’s not a good thing. What can I do? Delve back into online dating, trying yet another different program? Isn’t insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different results? But, if I sit back on my laurels just expecting Mr. Right to appear I will be waiting a very long time. I need to take action, but what is the best action to take? Should I try speed dating (if such a thing exists in my area)? Should I contact friends to see if they know any single, compatible guys they could set me up with? I don’t want to come off as desperate, even if that is sort of how I feel right now. I find myself pathetic, if you must know the truth. There are plenty of people living fulfilling lives as singles. I know of three wonderful women who are living single and have done so for many years. Two of them are very good friends of mine, I cherish them as witty, loving, special friends. They were both married in the past and have grown sons (they’re a great deal older than me) and they seem very happy in their lives.

I want be ok alone. And I have been for three years now. Wow, three years! But, something has changed and my desire to have intimacy has kicked into high gear. I’m devoted to the children and so any action I take will have to be to their benefit. Still, I can’t help but think I would be a better mother if I was able to take some time and find a mate (I’m not saying I want to get married tomorrow, but perhaps in the future?). Maybe it’s because my sister is engaged and I dread being the older, divorced sister with a slew of kids at her wedding. Maybe it’s because I just had a very lengthy conversation with the teen about losing his virginity and perhaps waiting until he’s a bit older (I know, I was practically a senior citizen when I had sex for the first time, but I just think that 15 is too young). Regardless of the reason why, I have been in a funk about all of this for the month of February (which just so happens to coincide with the third anniversary of the end of my marriage), so I think something needs to be done.   

My personal issues have been compounded by a teenager eager to lose his virginity. I’ve been frank and honest with him in answering questions and in suggesting he wait. In my personal opinion, he is just too young and while is mature for his age, I don’t think he’s mature enough for the responsibilities that come with being sexually active. It’s hard to have to try to instill certain values in a child who simply doesn’t see things the same way I do (based on the example of adult relationships he’s witnessed in his life). And, it is dually difficult having these discussions while remaining celibate. Nothing like fanning the flames while explaining how sex works and addressing fears of being a “minute man” or not being able to get it up due to also being attracted to young men. Life is forever a struggle and these past few weeks have been tough. I pray a little Spring sunshine will come soon to wash away these winter blues. I pray for strength to continue to endure whatever comes my way.