Esperanza got into a fight at school last week. So, now I’m
trying to help her through that mess. From what I understand about the story,
the other girl was talking about her to a friend on the bus after school.
Esperanza let it go but they continued going on and on and so she made a derogatory
comment about the girl not having her son (he’s in foster care) because of the
way she acts. This resulted in the other girl punching Esperanza in the head
and face, breaking her glasses and bruising and cutting her left eye. Both
girls were suspended for 5 days. Esperanza is worried she won’t be allowed to
attend the homecoming dance because of the fight. And this is so unfortunate
because we discovered homecoming is the week after Hermano’s football game, so
she didn’t have to choose between the two events. She was also worried about
getting in legal trouble because she is 18 and the other girl is only 17. It’s
a mess. I’m going with her for a meeting at school to try to work it all out.
Last Friday Primero’s mom posted on Facebook that she would
be in town at a park and tagged people, including Primero, to come see her
there. I asked Primero if he wanted to go and he said no. I asked him three
times, three ways and the answer was no each time. So, I let it drop. Saturday
we were running errands and had just gotten home to eat the pizza we picked up
when his phone rang. It was his younger sister. She was at a local Burger King
with their mom and she wanted to see him. It was a few minutes before 4 and she
would be there until 5. Primero said he would have to ask me and I was
irritated. Once again, no planning. Once again we are expected to drop
everything to meet on their whim. Of course we went. He hasn’t seen his mother
since March. Of course it was awkward and I was irritated by the whole dam
thing, plus trying to keep a squirmy 14 month old content added to the arduousness
of the task. We were there for roughly 30 minutes. We would have been there
longer but they didn’t specify the Burger King and so we went to a different
one initially. When we met with his therapist to renew his goals on Monday, I
brought up how frustrating it was to deal with the lack of planning. She said
as long as I let it continue, it will. I explained that I hated being the bad
guy especially when he so infrequently is given an opportunity to see his
family, especially his mom. How else do I strike a balance and keep the peace?
If I start denying him access to his family, I’m the bad guy. If I start making
demands, I’m the bad guy. Yet, the therapist is right – the longer I let them
give us the run around, the longer it will go on. It’s not easy…..
During the therapy session I expressed my doubts and uncertainties
about how to proceed with Primero’s family. Or at least I tried to. It was hard
to exactly express what I was feeling, I couldn’t identify why it was different
for Primero than it was for the little ones. I thought perhaps because Primero
has more history with his family and that made it more awkward. I tried to
describe how I was unsure of how to proceed; do I develop my own independent relationship
with his aunt and uncle and perhaps his mom? Do I still attend their family
functions even after Primero is adopted and old enough to take himself? Or do I
let it all up to Primero, allow him to dictate how we interact, to what extent
we forge a bond beyond him? I was frustrated with myself for lacking the eloquence
to truly describe this, as I have done just now and then it hit me. I’m
struggling with this because I don’t see myself as Primero’s mother. That piece
of my heart that was so tortured during the whole “mom” debate has fled into
the dark recesses of my inner self, hiding behind think, impenetrable layers
and denying the mantle of motherhood, specifically for Primero. For the little
ones I have found my role and I know my place, who I am to them and who I am to
their extended family, barring their mother. But, for Primero I’ve removed
myself from a position of “mom” to one of parental guardian, a sort of
nondescript, semi-authoritative position that almost defies the normative
parent-child relationship. And, if my position to him is so unremarkable, then
it is even more insipid when it comes to his family. Is it any wonder then that
I don’t know how to proceed and feel a cocktail mixture of confusion, frustration,
fear, and uncertainty when it comes to Primero’s family? How do I make this
make sense? How do I find my footing and work my way out of this? Surely,
feeling like a non-parent to a child I’m adopting is not a good thing, yet I
don’t know how else to feel. Lest anyone think differently, my confusion over
the semantics of “mom” does not dictate how much I love and care for Primero,
nor does it change how I treat him or raise him. It’s an internal struggle that
seems mostly to affect how I view my place within his family.
I’ve been trying to get the little one’s together with their
older sister and the other foster mom has been lax on getting back to me. The
grandmother reached out to me the other day and asked about the visit I had
promised and I explained the reason for the delay. She said she is meeting with
the county case worker to see about gaining custody of the older sister and I
said that would make it much easier for the children to spend time together.
Our CHOR case worker has been trying to come out for a few weeks now and things
keep getting in the way of her plans. I want to ask her what she knows about
the little one’s case, if anything is happening or if everything is on hold
until their next court date in December. At our court date in July, I think it
was mentioned that the paperwork had been or was being filed for TPR, but I’m
not 100% certain that is what I heard. Thus far no mention has been made of
reinstating visits, so it seems like things are same old, same old. Hopefully
the CHOR case worker knows more than I do….
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