Village Wanted, Apply Within

One of the things I determined were important for 2019 (one could call it a resolution) was reading more. Once upon a time, many moons ago when I was a child, I had been a voracious and avid reader. A little book mobile would come to our tiny rural town once a week and by the time I was in fifth grade I had read nearly all of the age-appropriate books and we started going to the library in town. You would have been hard-pressed to find younger me sans book within reach. One year for Christmas someone gifted me a book light, the kind that clips on the book and illuminates the text from above, and my mom, exasperated at my nighttime reading, had to barge into my room and confiscate the light to stop me from reading my books. I read less for pleasure in college but resumed my insatiable reading when I was in the Peace Corps. Reading for pleasure was not common in rural Nicaragua and I was branded as odd, but I did manage to read all but the last few Harry Potter books swinging from a hammock in the shade of my front porch. Sadly, when I began a real grown-up, with a house and a spouse and a full-time job, I my reading began to dwindle. When kids came into my life, my reading stopped entirely. I didn’t think I had time. Well, let me tell you, when you look for it you can find the time to do something important to you. Last year I didn’t read a single book for pleasure and only about 3 books related to adoption or child-rearing. Since the start of the new year I have read six books! And, three of those books were well over 400 pages (I read the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series).

 

One of the catalysts to my decision to find a way to return to my former love of reading was a post a friend made on Facebook. She offered to gift a book (new or used) to anyone who would post the same offer on their Facebook page as a way to promote reading this year. I responded that I wanted to make an effort to read more this year and this past weekend my friend brought me a book. And a dozen eggs from her hens, but let’s focus on the book. She had gotten me a signed copy from a bookstore in a neighboring county, by an author local to the area where I attended college. I finished “The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest” and dove into “Sensitivity Girl” by LuAnn Billett. The book was about a woman who described herself as sensitive and explained how she became to view what she thought was weakness as a super power.

 

The book was good, a quick read after the voluminous Stieg Larsson novels, but there is one thing that has stuck with me since I finished the book on our snow day Wednesday. One of the traumatic things that happened to the author was her husband died just a few months after their triplets were born. She was left with three infants to raise by herself while also dealing with the emotional shock and devastation of losing her husband. But, she was not alone. Her village, her support network quickly swooped in to help her not just in the weeks and months after the tragedy but for YEARS afterwards. Her family, her friends and acquaintances from her neighbor cocooned her in much needed adult help and support. I wept as I read the book. Of course people come to help when there is a crisis, but to have her help stick around for years and continue to support her and help and love her, where do you find that? I have lamented before how I could really use a stronger support network but I have no clue how to find such a thing. Is it me? Do I not ask for help the right way? Do I look like I can do it all and keep it all going on my own? Who would really be there for me should some event make it hard or impossible for me to keep doing it all alone? Even something relatively simple, like a broken leg or major surgery, who would be there to help get the kids to school and keep the house clean? I honestly do not know. I am jealous of her supportive village. The book has left me feeling even more alone than I felt before.

 

Case in point: yesterday there was a two hour delay for school. I have only two valid options to get Chica Marie to school when there is a delay for her but not for my work. Option A is I take her to daycare and then take an early lunch to take her to school  at the later start date. But, this would not work on Thursday because we had a very busy orientation and I would not be able to leave work until after 11, an hour after she needed to be in school. So, my second option is to have Primero walk her to school and then walk himself to school a few minutes late (because they start school at the same time). This is the option I chose for Thursday. Just before lunch I received a notification that Primero was not in school. I text him and he didn’t deny it, stating he stayed home because all of his uniforms were dirty. Washing them during the snow day the day before was not, apparently, a thought to him. This lead to a van ban and angry Primero and well, I will save that mess for another post. But, if I had a village, if there were some other two hour delay option, it would take some of the pressure off of me and Primero. Until then, I can only do what I can do.

Satisfying Moments

Today the kids had a snow make-up day, which I find ironic since we've had very little snow. I had off for President's Day, so I was able to stay home. This is not something that happens very often. Unfortunately, I woke up with a painful headache this morning; the kind of headache that made me nauseous because my head hurt that bad. Thankfully, two Aleve helped alleviate the pain and I managed to get Chica Marie to school and Love Bug to daycare. I had a leisurely breakfast and started binge watching a Netflix show called "You." Usually, once I start down the binge-watching rabbit hole, it results in getting nothing done and I berate myself for being lazy and wasting the day. Today, I managed to bake some brownies, wash the kitchen floor (an act of futility), and finish the laundry I had left over from yesterday. It felt so good to have not only spent some time relaxing, but also accomplishing some tasks on my to-do list. There is nothing better than the feeling of a freshly cleaned house. Sure, it only lasts a few moments in my house, but still those few moments are quite satisfying.


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The End of Me

I love my children with all my heart but some days I think they are trying to end me. Valentine’s Day is a hard day for me because it is the anniversary of the end of my marriage. It was the day my ex-husband walked out on me and the little guy we I had hoped to adopt. I don’t think much of the day until it hits me square between the eyes and I feel sad and grateful all at once. It is a complicated day, with messages of eternal love and grand gestures of affection clogging social media. Meh. I try to focus on making the day fun for the kids, handing out valentines, making a treat for daycare, things like that. Over the weekend we bought the valentines for Chica Marie’s class and Love Bug’s daycare. We also bought a little something for their teachers since the valentines don’t seem to have teacher cards like they did when I was in school. So, a heart box filled with various flavor filled chocolate for Chica Marie’s teacher and a Minnie Mouse box of chocolates for Love Bug’s teacher because she likes Mickey and Minnie. It was a small but meaningful gesture, I thought. We also make a pretzel treat for daycare, melting a Hershey kiss and then pressing a candy heart on top. Simple and cute. The valentines and teacher gifts were tucked into plastic shopping bags sitting on the kitchen table so I would not forget to send them along on Valentine’s Day. When I opened the bag with Love Bug’s valentines inside I notice the box of chocolates intended for his teacher was missing. I made the kids look for it and asked them to tell me what happened. Apparently, according to Chica Marie, the cats knocked the box out of the bag and down into the basement where it disappeared. Love Bug told me it was in their bedroom. The box was not found and I bought a different, less personal, box of chocolate on my lunch break to give to his teacher. I was very upset with the children because I hate not being able to trust having things sit out. I hate feeling like I need to hide everything or else the children will just take it. It was not a good morning in our home.

 

Not long after I got to work I received an email from Primero’s IEP teacher at school. He is failing all his classes this quarter. When I contacted Primero about it, he got angry that the school had contacted me. When we talked about it last night he was indigent, telling me his grades were none of my business and as an adult he can’t have everything going to his parents. He wants to fail on his own, thank you very much. We didn’t get a chance to really resolve the issue because he was more concerned about having a friend stay over than he was about his grades or his future or being an actual responsible adult. I hate how our relationship is right now. I hate his horrible sleeping schedule (stay up all night, sleep all day). I’m fairly certain he has been skipping school on the days they have delays for weather. I know he lies to me as often as he takes a breath and I don’t trust him very much anymore. I don’t see him as an adult, I see him as a child in a young man’s body. He is not responsible with his money and his only care in the world is getting the van to go to work. I want to shake him, I want to smack the teenage hubris right out of him. Instead I grit my head and lower my head to go another round in this awful game of growing up. I feel defeated. I feel tired. I feel like my household is not my own, it is just manipulated by a wanna be grown up with control issues.

Two Truths and a Lie

Have you ever played the game 2 truths and a lie? It’s meant to be an ice-breaker kind of game where a person lists three things and the rest of the group has to guess which thing is false. Here is my blog version of 2 truths and a lie.

• Primero got his nosed pierced last week. He got out of work early last Monday, walked to the mall with a friend and got it pierced at one of the kiosks. I didn’t see him Monday, so Tuesday was when I noticed the band aid over his nose and questioned why it was there. He showed me a small diamond stud on his right nostril. He eventually plans to get a ring, once it heals. And the band aid? It was to keep the ring in his nose while he slept.
• Love Bug has finally decided to sleep the entire night in his own bed. He said he didn't want to be little forever, he wanted to be a big boy and sleep on his own.
• I became friends with the little one’s mom on Facebook and Instagram earlier this week. She had been tagged in something the kid’s grandmother posted and I just took the plunge and sent the request. She responded almost immediately.

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Vanzilla

I did my taxes over the weekend. I am anxiously awaiting the refund so we can finally get a new van. The one we have barely passed inspection last year and would undoubtedly have trouble passing this year. Not only is the check engine light constantly on and the van inexplicably uses quarts of oil, but there’s an issue with the exhaust that makes it roar like big truck, plus the heat in the front is not working which has been great in this polar vortex. There are more things wrong with the van than there are right and I am so looking forward to leaving this hunk of junk behind. Still, it is the car that Primero used to learn to drive and took the driving test more than a few times. It has taken us on several excursions and seen more than its fair share of tears, fights, hugs and other family moments. Love Bug turned his car seat around in this van and Chica Marie lost a tooth. Luckily, we are not financing our memories and we will have plenty more in our new van, with working heat and A.C.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Life's Challenges

One month into the new year and life is chugging along. I’ve made good so far on reading more, I’m on my third book this year, and I’m working on meal planning and eating better (no carbs for breakfast or lunch on most days). I did get to one yoga class last month. I tried hot yoga and it reminded me that I should listen to myself when I say things I know to be true about me. I hate the heat. My body hates the heat. Hot yoga gave me a painful, send-me-to-bed level headache. I will stick to moderately warm yoga, thank you very much. Thus far we have not made an bucket list plans or talked about a family vacation, but the list of things important in 2019 feels like it’s being observed modestly.

 

In many ways, the troubles of 2018 have stuck around this new year. Things with Primero have been as tumultuous as ever, with some positive improvements followed by epic fights and loss of any ground gained. It feels like it is one small step forward and several long leaps backwards. I don’t know if I hold any hope for lasting improvements; mostly I just feel defeated.

 

Love Bug has been morphing from the charming little imp he has always been, into a demanding task master with zero patience. He seems incapable of not getting what he wants when he wants it and he has hit me and even tried biting me on more occasions than I can recall. He also does this super-fun thing where he declares “it’s table time” and climbs onto the kitchen table when the mobile therapist is visiting. Mostly, it is a show of defiance because he didn’t get his way, but I just wears me down. There are days where I feel like this one child has used every last drop of my patience and I have no more to give. There was some snafu with getting his TSS worker and so while I thought we were waiting for the agency to hire someone, we were actually waiting on approval. I think it is all worked out now, but honestly this TSS cannot come soon enough. I need to learn how to get through this irrational demands and find a way for compliance without feeling like I’m in a hostage negotiation with terrorists who don’t speak English. I’m fairly exhausted.

 

Chica Marie had been bringing home change, telling me this friend or that friend had given it to her. I had my doubts but I wanted to believe her. I hate thinking of my child as someone who lies to me so readily. Sadly, this was not the best course of action. It allowed her to flitch money from kids at school and daycare unchecked. After talking to her mobile therapist about it, he told her teacher who was the one to confront her. But, even after the confrontation, she brought two nickels home. I made her take them back to school. She insisted she found them on the floor in the cafeteria but I told her she was not allowed to take any money, even if it seemed to belong to no one. The stealing and the lying makes me so worried, especially if it continues as she gets older.

 

After the whole Christmas debacle, I hadn’t really talked to my mom. I didn’t really know what to say and then, the more I didn’t say anything, the harder it became. But, my sister talked to her and Mom said she wanted to sit us down and talk to us. When my sister delivered this news, we both talked about our reservations for this discussion. We thought, in order to keep the conversation positive and moving in a direction of growth and not just a bitch session, we wanted to have a moderator. My sister thought we could find a family therapist who could be an unbiased third party, keeping healthy boundaries for all of us. I talked to my therapist about it and it didn’t seem likely, so we turned to the pastor I had contacted over the summer. I’m not sure if my dad ever managed to get my mom to see him, but we honestly didn’t know who else we could call on. Last night, via three-way calling, we broke the news to our mom and were met with the hesitation we expected. She sees it as airing dirty laundry. My sister is fearful she won’t be able to stay civil during the discussion. I am dreading the whole thing. I asked Mom to think about it and get back to me. I had already reached out to the pastor to see if he would be available and he responded favorably. Hopefully Mom will agree to let him moderate.

 

It has been very cold here and our house does not stay warm. It was 52 degrees (Fahrenheit) when I woke up this morning. The van does not have heat in the front, but I think (hope) it works in the back. I need to find someone to fix the electric baseboard heaters in our house. I think 3 of the 5 do not work. And I should find the money to get more insulation somewhere. Thankfully, this artic cold is supposed to abate this weekend, so we won’t be huddled together under blankets to stay warm. Hopefully, the groundhog won't see his shadow tomorrow and Spring will be on the way!