Life's Challenges

One month into the new year and life is chugging along. I’ve made good so far on reading more, I’m on my third book this year, and I’m working on meal planning and eating better (no carbs for breakfast or lunch on most days). I did get to one yoga class last month. I tried hot yoga and it reminded me that I should listen to myself when I say things I know to be true about me. I hate the heat. My body hates the heat. Hot yoga gave me a painful, send-me-to-bed level headache. I will stick to moderately warm yoga, thank you very much. Thus far we have not made an bucket list plans or talked about a family vacation, but the list of things important in 2019 feels like it’s being observed modestly.

 

In many ways, the troubles of 2018 have stuck around this new year. Things with Primero have been as tumultuous as ever, with some positive improvements followed by epic fights and loss of any ground gained. It feels like it is one small step forward and several long leaps backwards. I don’t know if I hold any hope for lasting improvements; mostly I just feel defeated.

 

Love Bug has been morphing from the charming little imp he has always been, into a demanding task master with zero patience. He seems incapable of not getting what he wants when he wants it and he has hit me and even tried biting me on more occasions than I can recall. He also does this super-fun thing where he declares “it’s table time” and climbs onto the kitchen table when the mobile therapist is visiting. Mostly, it is a show of defiance because he didn’t get his way, but I just wears me down. There are days where I feel like this one child has used every last drop of my patience and I have no more to give. There was some snafu with getting his TSS worker and so while I thought we were waiting for the agency to hire someone, we were actually waiting on approval. I think it is all worked out now, but honestly this TSS cannot come soon enough. I need to learn how to get through this irrational demands and find a way for compliance without feeling like I’m in a hostage negotiation with terrorists who don’t speak English. I’m fairly exhausted.

 

Chica Marie had been bringing home change, telling me this friend or that friend had given it to her. I had my doubts but I wanted to believe her. I hate thinking of my child as someone who lies to me so readily. Sadly, this was not the best course of action. It allowed her to flitch money from kids at school and daycare unchecked. After talking to her mobile therapist about it, he told her teacher who was the one to confront her. But, even after the confrontation, she brought two nickels home. I made her take them back to school. She insisted she found them on the floor in the cafeteria but I told her she was not allowed to take any money, even if it seemed to belong to no one. The stealing and the lying makes me so worried, especially if it continues as she gets older.

 

After the whole Christmas debacle, I hadn’t really talked to my mom. I didn’t really know what to say and then, the more I didn’t say anything, the harder it became. But, my sister talked to her and Mom said she wanted to sit us down and talk to us. When my sister delivered this news, we both talked about our reservations for this discussion. We thought, in order to keep the conversation positive and moving in a direction of growth and not just a bitch session, we wanted to have a moderator. My sister thought we could find a family therapist who could be an unbiased third party, keeping healthy boundaries for all of us. I talked to my therapist about it and it didn’t seem likely, so we turned to the pastor I had contacted over the summer. I’m not sure if my dad ever managed to get my mom to see him, but we honestly didn’t know who else we could call on. Last night, via three-way calling, we broke the news to our mom and were met with the hesitation we expected. She sees it as airing dirty laundry. My sister is fearful she won’t be able to stay civil during the discussion. I am dreading the whole thing. I asked Mom to think about it and get back to me. I had already reached out to the pastor to see if he would be available and he responded favorably. Hopefully Mom will agree to let him moderate.

 

It has been very cold here and our house does not stay warm. It was 52 degrees (Fahrenheit) when I woke up this morning. The van does not have heat in the front, but I think (hope) it works in the back. I need to find someone to fix the electric baseboard heaters in our house. I think 3 of the 5 do not work. And I should find the money to get more insulation somewhere. Thankfully, this artic cold is supposed to abate this weekend, so we won’t be huddled together under blankets to stay warm. Hopefully, the groundhog won't see his shadow tomorrow and Spring will be on the way!