The Waiting Game - Again!

     So, I have not had a chance to call and make an appointment with the new infertility doctor yet. I will get around to it, hopefully Monday morning. I did call the Social Security office (the national call number) and they told me I would need to call my local office. So, I called the local office and was told that they no longer send out the yearly benefits letter (which we could have used in place of the W2s) and in fact, this letter no longer exists. She said I would need to fill out paperwork and send it in with about $35, then wait 4 months to get the past W2s. I do not want to wait 4 months! I did look for our W2s and was only able to find last year's W2s. I have no idea where we (read Flaco) might have put them when we moved the desk to the basement about 6-7 months ago. I find this so frustrating! Something so stupid could hold us up for 4 dam months! And what the hell are my W2s from 10 years ago going to prove? I was in college, working as a waitress over the summer. Uh, $3,000 for a year is well below poverty, but I was still dependent on my parents. And, after college I went into the Peace Corps. Technically, I did not make an income (although the dam government did take taxes out of my resettlement allowance). Again, what does this freaking prove? Flaco only has W2s from the past 5 years because before then he was living and working in another country - to my knowledge Nicaragua does not have W2s. So, I am going to call the IRS number that I have and see if they can offer a faster return on the W2s.
     Today my mom gave me a name and a number to call to possibly get into an infertility experiment. It is being held at a hospital that is about an hour and a half away in Hershey, PA. They are studying hormones in the endocrinology department. I will give them a call on Monday to see if I could fit into the experiment, but more importantly, I would like more information. Yes, it would be nice to get free treatments, but I don't want to relinquish all the control related to treatment. I also don't want to feel like a lab rat.
     I am still not totally comfortable with adopting and pursuing infertility treatments at the same time. I guess it feels like we are just trying to get a baby by any means we can - I suppose, in fact, that is what we are doing. I just hope we are not shortchanging anyone in the process. I try to tell myself that we are just trying to put our eggs in more than one basket - literally and figuratively. Most days, it feels like we will simply never be parents. . . . .

Latest and Greatest

     Yesterday I had a second appointment with the "new" doctor where my mom works. It went much better, in terms of how I felt when I left, but I am still wondering what on earth I am doing. The doctor said that because I have already been on Clomid for six cycles, without much luck, he really didn't feel comfortable in having me do another cycle with it. He feels I might need a stronger drug to induce ovulation. Of course, he still thinks it's a good idea for me to lose weight (duh!) but even that is not a guarantee to ovulation (believe it or not, there are thin women who have PCOS). And, because I am now 30, the doctor thinks we should get a little more aggressive with treatments before we need to start fighting the clock as well. So, he referred me to a different infertility doctor (who's name is dangerously similar to the previous infertility doctor I saw). I explained my concern about the financial costs of infertility treatments because my insurance does not cover a dam thing. I know from the previous infertility clinic that even an IUI treatment can cost well over $2,000. The doctor said he understood and he would write a letter to the new infertility doctor and "work something out" with him - I have no idea what this means. I will call and make an initial consultation with the new infertility doctor. From what Dr. F said, I'm fairly certain he will want to do a more thorough semen analysis - which I'm not sure Flaco will go for. He hated it so much the first time and he told me he does not want to spend any more money on trying to have a baby. I don't know. I don't really think my heart is in it anymore. Not that I don't want a baby more than anything. Not that I wouldn't love to be able to have all the experiences that go along with having a biological baby. But, I think I am just trying to protect myself. I feel like we have really been through the ringer with all that has happened in the past two plus years. I just don't know if I want to go there again, to truly believe that anything I do will make a difference and result in having a baby.
     Things are progressing with the adoption process. I need to find our W2s because it will take at least 4 months for the IRS to get them to me. Plus, it will cost me about $35. We will be seeing the doctor Tuesday morning for our TB tests and physicals, not to mention the drug tests. Flaco wrote his autobiography - or well, he dictated it to me and I edited some of it (let's be real, Flaco is not much of a writer and so if we want this thing to get done, it falls to me). So, once I find the dam W2s, I will get the cats to the vet and we will be all but done! I am excited to think that we could be getting a match so soon, although I think it will take longer than I had hoped to get matched. I truly hope we get a baby, an infant - but I think I would be happy just to have a child in our home.
     Random side note - I was at the grocery store last week and I needed to buy some pads :( and it occurred to me that the pads we right across from the baby diapers and next to the baby food. I don't know if I didn't notice it before because it is different in other grocery stores (I don't always go to the same one), but I found it to be very disheartening. Here I am, on my period and thus clearly not pregnant as I would like to be, and I need to buy pads across from the diapers I might never need. I try not to let myself think of these things because they happen more often than an infertile thinks they can stand and it drives me to the ugly place of "why me!" and I don't want to go back there.
     Today I was supposed to go to a friends baby shower, but I conveniently got bronchitis, so I can let myself off the hook and not go - I mean, I wouldn't want to give my friend bronchitis in her final two months of pregnancy. I will take her the gift personally at some point and send her an apology text, citing my illness and not wanting her to get it. I want to be a bigger person, but I am not feeling 100% and I am not sure I would be able to withstand all the ooo-ing and ahhh-ing today. So, I will beg off. That's not too mean, is it?

Home Inspection

      We had quite a whirlwind weekend! On Friday, I left work early because I was translating a wedding ceremony at the local courthouse for a friend of mine. She was marrying her fiancé, who arrived a few weeks ago from Columbia (so, they only had 90 days to get married). After the brief ceremony, I rushed home to meet a friend to head about and hour away for a Mary Kay training event. When I got back to my car, I saw I had a message on my phone. It was Consuelo from CHOR. She discovered that I had off from work on Monday (10/10) and would it be ok for her to come then for our home visit, rather than the following Monday (10/17) as originally planned. Sure! What horrible timing! I was gone Friday night and didn’t get home until around 6 pm on Saturday. I was home for a few hours and then went to my Columbian friends place to celebrate her nuptials. I spent all day Sunday cleaning, but really only managed to get the office-now-baby’s-room cleaned and organized. Yesterday Flaco and I got up early to finish cleaning and complete some of our paperwork. We did not eat breakfast and ordered Chinese delivery and had just finished our paperwork when Consuelo got there at 2 pm. She was with us for 3 hours. She finished our interview and asked us specifically what kind of child we would or would not accept. Here are some interesting things I discovered:
      1) Flaco has wanted to be a father since he was 17 years old – or at least that is what he told Consuelo. (I suppose that is not such a shocking thing for a young man living in Nicaragua – an American the same age would be doing everything he can NOT to become a father at 17).
      2) When asked what gender and age we desire for our child, Flaco answered without hesitation, “a four-month old girl.” I had no idea he wanted a girl. Of course his answer was too specific, so we agreed upon any gender from 0-3 years old.
      3) When filling out our paperwork there was a question about who we were closest to in our family. I answered my sister and expected Flaco to answer his brother closest to his age. Instead, he said his 21 year old sister, M. 

     So, after our extensive interview, Consuelo walked through our (very, very clean) house. We mostly passed with a few minor, easily correctable things. We didn’t hang our fire extinguisher (which we got at Wal-Mart for $40), mostly because I think it is unsightly, but we will hang it up. We got a new (used) dishwasher but when Flaco put it in place it leaked, so he needs to fix it. The front is off of it, revealing all the wiring, which is a hazard but of course we don’t plan on letting it that way. The child proofing we did to the cabinet where we keep our cleaning supplies is not sufficient, so we need to get another one (and I wonder how long it will take us to get used to the baby proof locks – all day yesterday we would tug on the door, only to have it fwap back into place due to the lock!). Also, we need to lock the cabinet in the bathroom where we keep our hair and shaving supplies. All of our smoke alarms work and we have a sufficient amount. We have all the electric sockets plugged with these dam plastic things I can never get out! I felt bad that we didn’t get all of our paperwork in order before Consuelo came over and when I told her that, she said that we are moving along so quickly and that we are very good about getting our paperwork done and handed in to her. We still have to get the cats to the vet and we need to finish our autobiographies, plus I have to find the dam W2s! Consuelo said we can use the annual letter we get from the Social Security office – I’m fairly certain that if I ever got those, I threw them away because I didn’t know what they were. I went on the Social Security website and there is a number I can call to get a form to fill out and request this information. I wonder how long that will take? But, it sounds like once this paperwork is through, Consuelo will come back to our place and we will be officially approved.  I am so ready to have a baby in our home. I pray that we will be matched with a baby that just immediately feels like ours.

     On Friday my friend at work found out she is going to be a grandmother again. Her daughter is pregnant again. Her first baby was born early and only weighed 2 pounds. The baby is doing very well, but she is still a little behind in her development for her age. They are worried that the moms condition (I’m not really sure what it is) might cause another premature birth, so she will see a specialist for her entire pregnancy. My co-worker received this news while at work and of course I over-heard her call because my desk is near hers. After the call, she came over to me to get a hug. I was fighting back the tears, but I managed to give her a hug and congratulate her on this news. I wonder if I will always feel that twinge when someone else gets pregnant? I hope not. I hope that I will feel an immense overwhelming joy at being a mother, regardless of the process to get to that point. I hope we are offered an infant and I do hope we get a girl, although I would be just as happy with a little boy. 

     So, as I am slowly revealing to people that we are adopting, I am beginning to despise the response, “That’s so great!” While, yes, it is great that we are a loving couple looking to bring a child in need into our lives, this “greatness” fails to acknowledge all the pain and suffering we have endured to get to this point. It was not great to make this decision because we are not able to conceive a biological child. It was not great going through so many tests and procedures and enduring months and months and months of semi-hopeful waiting. It’s not the other person’s fault. Most healthy people don’t think of infertility. In fact, some staggering statistic (don’t ask me where I got it, I can’t remember) states that 1/3 of all pregnancies in the U.S. are unplanned (has no one heard of birth control?!). But, it does not feel great to be at this point of infertility limbo and adoption purgatory. We are not actively pursing pregnancy, yet we are not officially waiting to adopt. We are stuck. But, at least no one has said, “Gee, why would you want to do that?” when I reveal we will be adopting. I wonder if I will ever truly “get over” this whole infertility thing? I hope we are matched quickly! January will mark three years since we made the decision to toss the birth control and start trying to have a family. It seems so much longer than that. I feel like I can’t hardly remember a time when we weren’t trying to have a baby. Hopefully the waiting will end soon. . . . .   

Interviewing Skills for Babies

Last night we had our interview with Consuelo at CHOR. She asked us questions about our families, extended family, education, our childhoods, how we met, our greatest strength as a couple, how we handle fights and disagreements, and if we would be willing to accept a child in legal risk (meaning, they are not 100% ready for adoption, but it is a high probability they will be -  this option would give us the greatest opportunity to get a baby rather than an older child or teenager). We were at the CHOR offices for over 2 hours and didn’t even complete all of the questions. We did set up our home inspection for 10/17. Below, I have listed what else we need before we are officially approved:
     - We both need to complete our autobiographies – mine is nearly done (I need to edit it because it is too long) and Flaco has not even begun his and now he has two weeks. I am not supposed to write it for him.
     - We were given another form to fill out by the home visit and we need to write up a fire escape plan.
     - We need our W2’s from the past 10 years – Yikes! My parents did my taxes until after I came home from the Peace Corps, so at most I will have the past 4-5 years. Flaco has only been in the country for 5 years (or it will be 5 years the day after our home inspection on 10/18). Consuelo will check on how to handle Flaco’s situation. I hope I can find all these W2’s!!
     - We need copies of our car and home owner’s insurance (this is the easiest thing!)
     - We both need physicals, which Consuelo will set up with their doctor after the home visit (bleck!).
     - We need the most recent vaccination records for the animals. This means, we need to take the cats to the vet for their vaccinations and I need to check on Canela (the dog) to see if she is up-to-date (I’m pretty sure she is, we took her in last December for her shots).
     - We need to have all the things done in the house, like a 5 lbs fire extinguisher, covering the electric sockets (this we have done), have fire alarms on all floors (we need to put batteries in the ones up-stairs and we need to get one in the basement), all cleaning products and chemicals should be locked up or put up high or put in the basement, all medications must be under lock and key, we need to get the room cleaned out for the baby (we now have a pack-n-play purchased from someone at my work, a pink covered car seat and walker given to us by a friend of a friend from work, and we picked out a convertible crib that my mom will purchase for us  - it also has an attached changing table/night stand). 

     So, that is all that stands between us and our baby. I am freaking out about the W2’s and the animal vaccinations. Most everything else I think we can handle. I hope Flaco will take his autobiography seriously and actually write it. I think it would be ok if he dictated it to me and I type (read – edit) it. At one point Consuelo did tell me it needs to be in English, which Flaco will not be able to do. Oh, well we will figure it out! But, until we get the final stamp of approval, I think I will be in freak-out mode! I just want us to be approved without any lingering issues. I want to get us on the list so that our baby gets to us sooner, rather than later. I am not letting myself get too excited because I feel like we still have a long way to go in this process. 

     On Sunday, after my parents got done at the local out-door market (my father grows and sells organic poultry and eggs and my mom helps him at the out-door street market on Sunday’s), my mom and I went to Baby’s-R-Us to look at cribs. We found one at a local  department store that was on sale along with a changing table and a little dresser when we were out shopping Friday night. This set is a cheaper quality and my mom was worried it would not hold up. So, at Baby’s-R-Us we found a convertible crib that has a changing table attached, better quality and a little more expensive. My mom wants to purchase this item for us. I know the second we know what age and gender child we will be getting, she will be out buying baby clothing like there is no tomorrow. My mom is so ready to be a grandmother. She wants to spoil this kid rotten. I did much better at Baby’s-R-Us than I did at the consignment sale last week. I did not freak out, but I still felt out-of-place and somewhat detached. The store wasn’t very full and I arrived there before my mom, so I walked around looking at the cribs and the adorable blankets and sheets and wall coverings. I thought wistfully of how different it might have been, if we were having a baby and could joyfully pick out all the cute little items we wanted for a registry. But, I concentrated on what we need, which is a crib/toddler bed for the baby. Consuelo said it was not necessary to have these things for the home visit, just so we can get them when she calls us with a placement, but I will rest easier knowing we are prepared. 

     Yesterday, my friend Sara from work (she has almost completed the adoption process for her little girl – she was the one who suggested CHOR to me), had a friend looking to give away a baby car seat and a walker. Both are covered in bright pink fabric. How could I say no to something free? So, I have the car seat in the back seat of my car. Because we were in a hurry when I got home from work yesterday (I got home around 4:45 and the interview was at 5), we did not remove the car seat from my car. It is so strange to see it there. The walker and pack-n-play are in the trunk of my car (with my birthday balloons, which I forgot to take inside). I feel like things are all upside-down and sideways. We have these random baby items, but don’t know when (or, at this point IF) we will be having a baby. It almost seems like a tease; we have things that remind us of babies, but we do not have a baby. 

     Flaco is worried about the “legal risk” situation. He is worried that we will have a baby placed with us and after a year or more the adoption will fall through and we will need to give up the baby. Consuelo admitted that this could happen and suggested Flaco prepare himself for that. I know that Flaco has worried about loving and getting attached to the baby – he fears he won’t be able to because the child is not his by blood. In fact, it took Flaco a long time to decide he was ok with adoption to begin with, so I know he is fearing falling in love with a child that might be taken away. I told him we need to just rely on God on this one, because it is something that is entirely out of our control. I know we have both experienced a lot of loss through our struggle with infertility – not that we had any miscarriages or anything, but the loss of our dreams of having a biological child was hard enough to bear. I pray that we have paid our pound of flesh, so-to-speak, and the adoption process will be as easy as the infertility struggles have been hard. I guess we will find out, one way or another. . . .