Yesterday I had a second appointment with the "new" doctor where my mom works. It went much better, in terms of how I felt when I left, but I am still wondering what on earth I am doing. The doctor said that because I have already been on Clomid for six cycles, without much luck, he really didn't feel comfortable in having me do another cycle with it. He feels I might need a stronger drug to induce ovulation. Of course, he still thinks it's a good idea for me to lose weight (duh!) but even that is not a guarantee to ovulation (believe it or not, there are thin women who have PCOS). And, because I am now 30, the doctor thinks we should get a little more aggressive with treatments before we need to start fighting the clock as well. So, he referred me to a different infertility doctor (who's name is dangerously similar to the previous infertility doctor I saw). I explained my concern about the financial costs of infertility treatments because my insurance does not cover a dam thing. I know from the previous infertility clinic that even an IUI treatment can cost well over $2,000. The doctor said he understood and he would write a letter to the new infertility doctor and "work something out" with him - I have no idea what this means. I will call and make an initial consultation with the new infertility doctor. From what Dr. F said, I'm fairly certain he will want to do a more thorough semen analysis - which I'm not sure Flaco will go for. He hated it so much the first time and he told me he does not want to spend any more money on trying to have a baby. I don't know. I don't really think my heart is in it anymore. Not that I don't want a baby more than anything. Not that I wouldn't love to be able to have all the experiences that go along with having a biological baby. But, I think I am just trying to protect myself. I feel like we have really been through the ringer with all that has happened in the past two plus years. I just don't know if I want to go there again, to truly believe that anything I do will make a difference and result in having a baby.
Things are progressing with the adoption process. I need to find our W2s because it will take at least 4 months for the IRS to get them to me. Plus, it will cost me about $35. We will be seeing the doctor Tuesday morning for our TB tests and physicals, not to mention the drug tests. Flaco wrote his autobiography - or well, he dictated it to me and I edited some of it (let's be real, Flaco is not much of a writer and so if we want this thing to get done, it falls to me). So, once I find the dam W2s, I will get the cats to the vet and we will be all but done! I am excited to think that we could be getting a match so soon, although I think it will take longer than I had hoped to get matched. I truly hope we get a baby, an infant - but I think I would be happy just to have a child in our home.
Random side note - I was at the grocery store last week and I needed to buy some pads :( and it occurred to me that the pads we right across from the baby diapers and next to the baby food. I don't know if I didn't notice it before because it is different in other grocery stores (I don't always go to the same one), but I found it to be very disheartening. Here I am, on my period and thus clearly not pregnant as I would like to be, and I need to buy pads across from the diapers I might never need. I try not to let myself think of these things because they happen more often than an infertile thinks they can stand and it drives me to the ugly place of "why me!" and I don't want to go back there.
Today I was supposed to go to a friends baby shower, but I conveniently got bronchitis, so I can let myself off the hook and not go - I mean, I wouldn't want to give my friend bronchitis in her final two months of pregnancy. I will take her the gift personally at some point and send her an apology text, citing my illness and not wanting her to get it. I want to be a bigger person, but I am not feeling 100% and I am not sure I would be able to withstand all the ooo-ing and ahhh-ing today. So, I will beg off. That's not too mean, is it?
Nope- not mean. Totally understandable.
ReplyDeleteI understand your mixed feelings about continuing with the infertility doctor. It's so hard to come to terms with having a screwed up body, and once you start to, you don't want to go back and open yourself up to that kind of pain again. After 17 months, I've finally started doing home ovulation testing the last couple months, with no luck, an I've got to make a decision about when and if I'm going to start in with the infertility doctors and testing. I'm not sure I have it in me.
On a happy note, I got the referral questionnaire in the mail and I should have time to focus on that in the next few days!!!
Having the stamina to start or continue in infertility treatments is something each couple has to decide on their own. I could not imagine doing it with an active toddler to care for as well! Just know you have my unwaivering support, in any manner you might need.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being a referal for us, I hope the paper work is not as daunting as ours has been! :)
Hugs!!